On The Road To Beijing

The Torch Relay To Beijing.

The Olympic torch relay today descended into a farce as organisers decided the only way to make sure the torch got to Beijing safely was for Arnold Schwarzenegger to finish the American leg with a view to an extension.

“It’s out of control all this ruckus about Tibet. Arny was just sitting around in congress thinking about how he could have saved some of his men in Predator if he had his time again, so obviously he jumped at the chance,” said IOC President Jacques Rogge.

“He’s a former Mr. Olympia which is close enough to being an Olympian, and he’s packing some seriously heavy artillery, so get out of his way protesters”.

Schwarzenegger reiterated Rogge’s desire for the torch to arrive in a blaze of glory at the opening ceremony, saying “If it bleeds, we can kill it”.

AOC Chairman John Coates has expressed surprise over Dawn Fraser’s decision to boycott the Beijing Games. “She’s still alive? Are you serious? I thought she went down with angina twenty years ago”, he said.

Fraser, who won the gold medals in the 1924, 1928 and 1932 games, is well and truly alive and vocal in her support of a “Free Tibet”.

“As a spectator, I am making my own statement by not going,” Fraser said. “That said, I wasn’t going anyway because one breath of Beijing air would well and truly finish me off.”

Her decision to boycott the games leaves her in good stead to celebrate her 100^th birthday in September.

Unassuming relay freestyler Patrick Murphy found himself embroiled in the current crisis today, awaking to a gathering of media around his carport.

“Look, my car kicked the bucket last week. I went to Zupps and picked up a used car at a great price. That’s all there is to it,” he explained.

“The “Free Tibet” sticker was already there. It’s a fairly old car and these stickers were popular back in the day. It’s all just a coincidence”.

Murphy was quick to distance himself from the controversy saying that politics and sport were “like yin and yang”.

In the midst of the Nick D’Arcy should he/shouldn’t he be allowed to compete saga, it seems only one man doesn’t have an opinion either way. D’Arcy’s fellow Aussie 200m butterflyer Travis Nederpelt when asked for a comment replied; “Who cares if he swims or not? We’re all going to get our asses kicked by Michael Phelps anyway!”.