Thursday, December 31, 2009

First Test Post Match Comments

Firstly, congratulations to Shane Watson on his maiden Test century. He has shown all the youngsters out there that, if you are an all-rounder, and the selectors like you enough to give you a hundred chances to impress, then you too can score a century thanks to a dropped catch. Honestly, why is Abdur Rauf fielding at point? Why would you put a fast bowler there? Do we plug the point region with Doug Bollinger? The West Indies had an even more retarded idea; let's put the ungainly Sulieman Benn at point. But back to Watson, and in all seriousness, he has surprised me with the quality of his batting. That is, until he hits the nervous nineties, where he transforms back to the crappy Watson of old. Straight bat, still head, timing, clean hitting, it's quality stuff. However, the man-child still has a long way to go for us here at WHAB to forgive the spoilt brat persona that comes with being gifted ODI and Test call-ups without doing anything to deserve them for years on end...

The other notable from the match was Mohammad Aamer. In Australia's second innings, he gave us a glimpse of what to expect over the next 5 or 6 years until he breaks down. I can't imagine being a Test spearhead at just 17 is going to lead to a long career, so enjoy his Wasim-style bowling and all-round brashness while you can. Aamer aside, I find it hard to believe that this is the Paki's best bowling lineup. Abdur Rauf; innocuous medium pacers, and obviously not in the team as a specialist point fieldsman. Mohammad Asif; kept things tight at around 130k/h and picked up a couple of wickets...if you look up "first-change bowler" in the cricketing dictionary, you'll find that exact description. There seems to be a couple of other speedsters in the wings and they need to be given a go. Aamer can't do it all. Saeed Ajmal; convincingly out-bowled by Nathan Hauritz. For all the doosra talk, he bowls a poor man's Murali' doosra. Hopefully Danish Kaneria will be right to go for Sydney, if so, we might see a cracking Test match.

Obviously Pakistan's batting appeared a little thin also. It will be interesting to see if Younis Khan answers the call to bolster their line-up for Sydney.

Happy New Year to all, strap yourselves in for a big 2010!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

How To Get On Next Year's Top 10 Douchebag List

It's easy all you sportspeople...behave like this:

And then butcher Sweet Child O' Mine by playing it on acoustic guitar.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Top 10 Douchebags Of The Year 2009

It's that time of year again; to salute the 10 biggest douchebags for the sporting year here at WHAB. It's a lot tougher than you'd think, trying to squeeze thousands of douchebags into a top 10 but we think we've nailed it...feel free to comment on any douche who you feel was top 10 material, but escaped said top 10...

RICKY PONTING: A massive surprise here, after yet another productive season for the Aussie captain. Another Ashes Tour loss, which included some more horrific decisions as captain, and more recently a lucky escape at home to the West Indies. I was a kid when we last struggled against the Windies on home soil. The man convinced his team that Freddy Flintoff is the greatest bowler ever to roll the arm over and convinced selectors that Stuart Clark is the worst. He single-handedly ended the career of Drinks Break, one of the most promising cricket bloggers of our time, with his inane decision-making. He rates Mitchell Johnson as the ideal bowler to knock over no. 10 and 11's. In fact, he rates Johnson the second best bowler in the world, taking over from Brett Lee at the 2, and behind only Freddy Flintoff. On a personal front, he's dropped out of the top 10 batsman in the world. He then writes a Captain's Diary about all this which people apparently buy. If you bought a copy, you are as much a douchebag as our illustrious (retarded) captain.

ANDREW HILDITCH: The Chairman of Selectors has a lot to answer for. Unfortunately all his answers are the same. Mrs Hilditch questions him on why he hasn't put the bins out this week; Mr Hilditch answers with "look honey, times are tough with the retirements of Warne, McGrath, Gilchrist, Hayden, Langer, Gillespie,...". Being in cahoots with Ponting, they can always get their stories straight and their lines right. A lot of people seemed to be fooled by these two clowns...well we ain't can't baffle WHAB with bullshit. You are a douchebag, you should be fired, and you should take those fucking bins out pal.

ANDREW FLINTOFF: For his unforgettable (vomitous) celebrations during the Ashes, where he acted like he was the Jesus for this generation, Freddy cemented his place in the anals of douchebaggery.

You'd think he's risen from the dead...really he's just knocked over Peter Siddle...

To carry on like he did, you'd think you were witnessing some of the greatest bowling from the greatest bowler ever, rather than tentative, softcock Aussie batting. Apparently the best all-rounder in the history of the game...perhaps his stats suggest otherwise. Regardless, if you want to carry on like a God on the cricket field, you'd want to be named Shane Warne or Don Bradman.

TIGER WOODS: Tiger just scraped into the top 10 in the nick of time. A rooting machine from all reports, the problem is that all the birds that he's been doin' other than his wife are deadset scrubbers:

Scandinavian face of an angel...


No more clean shaven Mr. Gilette...

LOTE TUQIRI: Speaking of cheaters, Lote nailed a couple of 16 y.o's and then got railroaded by John O'Neill. Once O'Neill had something on Tuqiri, he made sure the only possible outcome was tearing up his phat contract, which was no.1 on his task list anyway. Well played Sir. Paying a winger $1 million dollars a year is bullshit, especially when he drillin' teenagers left, right and centre. With all this cheatin', we're going to need Joey Greco here soon...

MATTHEW JOHNS: Alright, that's's GRECO time!

Did somebody say "cheater"?!

Sure it was 7 or 8 years ago and the bird was gaggin' for it, but naked dudes with other naked dudes is simply not cool.

BRETT STEWART: Newly appointed "face of the game", Stewart got hammered and inappropriately touched a teenager. On a related note, my team (Itmakesmeasadpanda) went on to become champions of our NRL Fantasy League "Touchedbyaneagle". Well played Captain.

SEPP BLATTER: Approaching a FIFA World Cup year, watching the draw *live and intoxicated* confirmed my suspicions about this guy. He doesn't know that much about football. He doesn't watch too many games. But he has a fuckload of money and an endless supply of people fondling his balls. The guy didn't even know where South Africa 2010 kicks off...maybe he was distracted by the horde of Africans polishing his knob under the table.

BRENDAN FEVOLA: If you look up "drunken fuckwit" in the urban dictionary, you'll find a pic of this neanderthal. The Footy Show played a clip featuring his tamest work on Brownlow night...can't wait to see the uncut version. My Brisbane Lions have signed him up now...knowing that I live in the same city as this guy is making me a bit nervous...

SERENA WILLIAMS: Tennis can be a frustrating game. In my playing days, I smashed a lot of rackets, and they all deserved it. I had numerous temper tantrums, cursed and spluttered at the injustice of it all, and occasionally entertained thoughts of jumping the net and wrapping my racket around my opponent's throat. But my antics as a youngster can't compare to the beastly Serena's crazed outburst for all the world to see at the U.S Open. She's one bad-ass, mean mofo when she's riled up... in the wrong part o' town!

So there you have it. I know there's so many more but these were the highlights and lowlights of 2009 for me. So remember all you sports stars, keep it together or you could find yourself on the 2010 list. And keep it in your pants...or Joey Greco will get you!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

An Excerpt From The Captain's Diary 2009

August 23, 6:30pm, The Oval, London: Sitting in a quiet dressing room, I put my head into my hands and the questions start. Why? How? Then I remember something that Andrew Hilditch said: "Look Punter, we've lost Warne, McGrath, Gillespie, Gilchrist, Hayden, Langer"...It makes me feel a bit better. It's not my fault. The boys tried their hardest, even Mitch with all his dramas. Poor guy. What a mean mum he's got. Yeah, we tried our best but we were such a young team. If only Brett Lee had of been fit. Might have been a different story then you Pommy bastards. Did I do all I could as captain? Yeah, I did my best. Made the right calls. What the fuck would people back home know? They weren't here in the trenches with my inexperienced squad and the selection panel. Fucking Aussie media and armchair experts. I can just imagine what those fuckers at WHAB are writing. The English media think I'm doing a great job. The Poms were just too good. They'll go down in history as a truly great side. I'll tell my boys how proud I am of them. Sure we lost the Ashes again, but we tried hard against a superior opponent, so we can hold our heads high. Like Andrew Hilditch whispered in my ear just now; "we've set the foundations to build for the future". He's right. The man knows what he's talking about. Knows cricket inside and out. Knows the right things to say. What are you looking at Sarfraz? Fucking extra baggage you were. Young Phil looks pretty dejected. Poor guy. He had to go though. Shane Watson is the future, already with a couple of nice 50's to his name. Plenty of big centuries around the corner. Some nice bowling too. The more I look around, it seems the harder my team tried. We'll take this pain - the pain of losing the Ashes, and we'll take the pain of losing the Ashes before as well, and use those losses as fuel for our Ashes 2013 tour. They say you have to lose an Ashes tour or two, or even three before you can appreciate winning one. We'll be back Poms. I'll be back...until then I'll imagine what it feels like to lift the urn and scream to the heavens: "Fuck you WHAB!"......

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I hate twitter

Except this twitter.

The greatest wrestler of the modern age, you humble me Sheik.

Cricket: Assessing the Aussies for the rest of the summer.

I'm no Ponting/Hilditch fan... let me get this out there for those who don't know that already. But I guess an opening gambit for me is that the West Indies team we ran into in Adelaide were of a fairly high standard and a draw in and of itself is no shame. The Windies have a fairly strong batting lineup all things considered, with Gayle, Chanders, Sarwan and a couple of new players that have some real class about them. Bravo is a dangerous and highly talented number six, and even the Nash is not disgraced as a grinding middle order type.

The bowling is not quite as solid, and they haven't really shown the ability to run through the Aussies. I'm fairly high on Roach, Benn is the kind of player that traditionally gives the Aussies (and noone else) trouble, Bravo is solid enough and Rampaul is well, rubbish.

There seems to be few concerns in the Australian batting. I'd be keen to move Hussey to opener for the remainder of the summer. It seems to be the old ball that troubles him, though I could see him prolonging his career as an opening partner for Katich for the next four years. Without the move, I think he struggles to see out the summer. Watson has surprised the hell out of me with his bowling. North is the guy who for me doesn't see next summer in this lineup. He has played well to date, but his spin bowling is fairly pedestrian and as a batsman I'm not sure what he offered to keep the unlucky Brad Hodge away from test cricket.

Bowling is a shambles at the moment. Without getting to spin - the crux of this post - the pace attack is not looking particularly strong. Hilfenhaus when fit is leading the attack. Bollinger is the best left arm option in the country and then it's a big question mark. Mitchell (I'm Mitch now) Johnson somehow took 8 wickets in this test. I'm staggered by his 50 wicket calendar year - he is just awful. I'm going to try and plot his wicket balls through the year - I'll put money on 70% of these wickets coming from pies. And he's a giant vagina. The Captain sent me a message on Saturday along the lines of "Johnson has had a fight with his mummy this morning. Not allowed to bowl like a man." I laughed hysterically. Siddle has looked like a guy playing injured and then what's left? Sarfraz would potentially complement this group the best but what's he got to do? Watson is so much better with the ball at test level than I ever thought he would be.

Spin? When I watch Hauritz trundle in I ask one question. Honestly. Would Mark Waugh circa 1995 be Australia's first choice spinner? He's basically Nathan Hauritz in a pair of shades. I say fuck risk and throw Smith into the next test. If you believe he can bat 6, you can play four seamers at the WACA or at a lot of other grounds you can play Krez as well.

Saturday, December 5, 2009


Welcome to the FIFA World Cup Draw *Live* on WHAB, your home of drunken *Live* stuff!

South Africa "welcomes us with open arms"...just try stepping outside of Jo'burg airport...

The entertainment is a cross between Play School, Lion King the musical and Milli Vanilli armed with an electric guitar (not plugged in)!

Am I that drunk or is Nelson Mandela speaking Swahili?!

You suck Sepp Blatter. I abhor you...

It's a love story, baby just pay me lots of cash...

Where do we kick off? I'm only the President of FIFA, how the fuck would I know?!

The chick hosting this has things growing from her ears...

Africa this, Africa that...all the while Blatter is getting his balls licked under the table...

Said chick hosting had those things cut off...


Okay, enough already. I haven't slept for days. Let's get on with it. It's nearly 4am here. Fuck the shy homo leopard mascot. God, what a faggot mascot. Enough. Let's draw motherfuckers.

Elephants are cool though...they got skillz!

This is getting increasingly homosexual...

Clear as mud!

Group A: South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay, France

Group B: Argentina, Korea Republic, Nigeria, Greece

Group C: England, USA, Algeria, Slovenia

Group D: Germany, Australia, Ghana, Serbia

Group E: Netherlands, Japan, Cameroon, Denmark

Group F: Italy, New Zealand, Paraguay, Slovakia

Group G: Brazil, Korea DPR, Cote D'Ivoire, Portugal

Group H: Spain, Honduras, Chile, Switzerland

There you have it: Germany, Ghana and Serbia...looks pretty tricky but could have been worse...discussion forthcoming...!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Who do we want to draw?

Easier draws would obviously be a good starting point:

From the seeded pot, I think you'd want to steer clear of Brazil, Germany and Spain. These are seeded teams, so there's no easy wins there. South Africa would obviously be the best results from Pot A but I'd happily take my chances to get a result out of England or Argentina (in their current malaise) as well. Of course, if I could beat any team in this world cup it would be England, closely followed by Italy. I hate the poms so much. Netherlands at full strength are my tip to take this out, and we played pretty well against their B squad but I'd like to avoid that. I'll also take the chance to post a pic of my favourite Jaaaapie. Not that there's a lot of competition.

Preferences here:
England, South Africa, Argentina, Italy, Germany, Brazil, Spain, Netherlands.

From Pot three, it's really just an enormous shitfight. You could make a case for drawing most of these teams as a "soft" option, though you could also prefer to avoid them all for reasons unknown. Paraguay and Chile qualified handsomely for this cup - Paraguay taking Brazil's scalp along the way. Eased off the throttle after qualifying, otherwise could have topped the South American group. That's great form. Chile got off to a slow start in the qualifiers, to romp home and have been the hottest team in South America in 2009. If you have to draw a South American, may I suggest U-R-Gay.

Of the Africans, Algeria is tipped to be relatively weak, though I don't necessarily concur. They'll be a stout defensive team that came through a relatively strong African group and I'd say they are the most underestimated African nation, possibly as they don't have that Sub-Saharan darling thing in their favour. Ghana look weak, it's last two starts resulting in a draw with Mali and a loss to Benin. The Ivory Coast and Nigeria look the class of the Africans.

If I have to put my preferences down here, I'll go

Ghana - Uruguay - Cameroon - Algeria - Ivory Coast - Chile - Nigeria - Paraguay.

The Europe Group is a bit of a mess to list my preferences.

I hate the Swiss. They share a border with the Dutch, charge $20 for a McValue meal and hate you for your general relaxed happy outlook on life. I'll take them in a heartbeat. Even with the aged Stefan Henchoz in tow. I'd happily draw the Danes for one reason alone,

Beyond that, Greece Serbia and either of the Slovs would be good. All I'll be saying is not France or Portugal.

Group of ease:
Switzerland - Ghana - South Africa

Group with tasty fans
Germany - Paraguay - Denmark (France and the freaky deaky Dutch get an honourable mention. I don't do that whole Brazil = hot thing, but you might think differently.)

Group of Douche (almost all in the same pool; you'd typically say England - Italy - Brazil)
ENG-A-LAND - U-R-Gay - Portugal

Group of Death
Netherlands - Portugal - Paraguay

Anyway, comment away. Particularly if you want to debate my hot fan thing.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

FIFA World Cup Draw!

WHAB will be reporting *live* from Cape Town for the FIFA World Cup 2010 draw where we will find out who our mighty Socceroos will be pitted against. Will we get the group of niggle with New Zealand, "Look at this country...U R Gay", and those diving bitch Italians? Brazil again? Tim Cahill's whipping boys Japan? Or the unstoppable Honduras...Honduras?! Don't be soft, join us at 4am AEDT, with beer in hand!