Friday, July 31, 2009

Another great response to the latest have a bowl vote, all those who voted have selected the 1983 Casio DG 20 electric guitar. For those who were intimedated by the options I have posted below a little of the magic that such a fine instrument can achieve. And don't forget that those who hold signs go on to hold many things!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Rollercoaster Ride Of The Sports Fan

As a lover of all things sport, you experience a wide range of emotions. Like the untold anger you feel when you hear the latest report that Phil Hughes is to be dropped for the Third Test, on the back of just two sub-par Tests (just three innings).

There's bemusement when you hear of Karmichael Hunt going to play AFL, a game worlds apart from Rugby League. You see that the Gold Coast can afford to dick around trying to get bums on seats for their debut season when they have something like 25 of the top 20 picks in the AFL draft. The only problem is, if he doesn't cut it in the QAFL (a highly likely scenario), can you afford to play him in the AFL?! Yes, there's bemusement to be had.

But mostly, it's the rage you feel when Phil Hughes, a guy who made a century in each innings against South Africa (see Dale Steyn, world's #1 ranked bowler), is dumped for Shane Watson. A guy who has done absolutely nothing, in any form of the game, for his country. He has played eight of the most mediocre Tests you could imagine. But to the deadshit selectors and Captain Fucktard, this compares favourably to Hughes brilliant performance on the tour of South Africa and just three (3) average knocks in the Ashes.

There's the calmness that comes from knowing your NRL team, who have sucked incredibly all year, have signed a coach who will next year clean out every old, fat, useless, stupid, overpaid, drunken idiot from the place. Serenity now.

Then there's the feeling that you just want to smash something when Phil Hughes gets dropped for Shane fucking Watson, and you wonder does this also mean there will be no Stuart Clark because now we have an extra "bowler". Or "all-rounder" should I say.

I'm excited to see Michael Schumacher returning to Formula 1! I hated the guy for so long being a massive Hakkinen fan, but it will be fun to see how he goes at the ripe old age of 40. Hopefully he tears it up and saves my huge plunge on Jensen Button from earlier in the year by taking points off the Red Bulls...

But in the back of my mind, there's the outrage, and I just keep coming back to the bunch of fucking spastics that we call our selectors and that fucktard of a captain of ours, who hates our best bowler Stuart Clark, makes fucked decisions, sets fucked fields, and thinks denting the confidence of Phil Hughes by inexplicably dropping him here, for a fucker who's done nothing and picks up injuries simply by walking out his front door, is the best way to get back into this series.

Then there's hope...yes.....Watson pops out his shoulder, breaks an ankle and tears a stomach muscle while warming up in the nets, before being hit in the head and heavily concussed by a wayward Mitchell Johnson delivery.....Reinstated Hughes blasts a double ton, raises his bat, then drops his strides in the direction of the Australian dressing room and parts his cheeks....

Finally, the enigmatic Major Turdler is officially done supporting the Australian cricket team. He confided in me today saying "I've snapped" and "Am done. Done." after this shocking decision. He went on to say that he hopes that Stuart Clark will defect to Bangladesh and lead them to a Test series victory over a Ponting led Australia. In his self-imposed exile, he will be supporting Bangladesh should they acquire the services of Sarfraz, if not, he will now support Ireland, as well as any team playing against Australian under Ponting's captaincy.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

JB, Professor, Touched Inappropriately in NRL Fantasy

The current leaderboard in our Fantasy NRL "Touched By An Eagle" League reads:

It Makes Me A Sad Panda (Captain): 10,768
RAMS (JB): 9961
Harassment Pandas (Professor): 8354

I'm calling it. It's over, even with many rounds still remaining and has been quite the molestation...what do you think Petey?

"Oh, who lives in peace 'neath the willow tree...
Sexual Harassment Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me...
Sexual Harassment Panda!
Don't say that! Don't touch there! Don't be nasty, says the silly bear!
He's come to teach you right and wrong...
Sexual Harassment Panda!"

Monday, July 27, 2009

Top 8 predictions

Well as the season end draws near and finals footy is already on the minds and tongues of most, I give you JBs top 8 predictions and finals fairytales. The NRL has a ladder predictor and having gone through a few scenarios and taking into account occasional shocks I can't go past a top 8 that looks like this:

1. Dragons
They really don't have to do that much to secure minor premiership. Their path to the finals sees them play Storm, Broncos and Eels at home and Panthers, Raiders and Rabbitohs on the road. All in all they have their arguably tougher games at home and apart from the Storm game at home and the Panthers on the road, the Dragons have all but captured the top spot. Even if they were to drop two out of thier last 6 the 4 point start they already have on the Bulldogs would be enough.

2. Bulldogs
A team that deserves the position given the football they have played all year, hat off to super coach . Remaining home games against the Raiders, Roosters and Warriors with away games to Rabbitohs, Cowboys and Tigers will see the Dogs come up against several teams who will be playing with everything they have to make the 8. In particular the away game to Cowboys will basically determine the chances of the Cowboys and second spot for the Dogs. I'm going to say the Dogs can do it up at Dairy Farmers with the Cowboys bumped out of top 8 - big game!

Away to the Dragons, Knights and the Warriors and home to the Roosters, Sea Eagles and Cowboys sees the storm with plenty of work to do if they want to secure a top 4 finish. Probably one of the harder runs to pick but going to go out and say that they will go down to the Dragons but be too good for the Cowboys, Knights and Sea Eagles, Roosters and Warriors. A loss to the Cowboys will see the Cowboys scrape into the top 8 but if they can't hold it against the Knights and Sea Eagles then both the will leap frog them into a possible final 4. I'm betting that the very rehearsed playbook of the Storm will see them hold their nerve and hold out the hopefuls.

4. Titans
I like the look of this football team, big questions (as was the case last year) regarding depth but I think they have developed and matured into a full squad. Can't see them not making the top 8 but will have to work on it to get into the top 4. Away to Dragons, Warriors, Rabbitohs and Sea Eagles, with home games to Sharks and West Tigers. Pretty sure they will go down to the Dragons, Sea Eagles and even Warriors on the road. But even with a factored in loss to the Cowboys at home, the Titans will make 4th all theirs.

5. Sea Eagles
Personally, this is a team that I want to see hurt and left dwelling in the cellars for years to come. Away to the Tigers, Roosters and Storm with home games to the Rabbitohs, Sharks and Titans makes me think that they will fly into the top 8. Predictable wins over the Tigers, Rabbitohs, Roosters and Sharks. Two danger games against the Titans and Storm with my prediction the Eagles to split their luck going down to the Storm on the road and a win over the Tits at home.

6. Knights
Not in my 8 at the start of the year but all in all worthy holders of a spot in the 8. They face the Roosters, Storm, Cowboys and Panthers at home with the Eels and Raiders away. W's over the Panthers and Cowboys put down to the home advantage. Also putting down wins against the Roosters, Eels and Raiders. The loss to the Storm the only hiccup predicted for this team on the way to glory.

7. Broncos
Need the wounded back and back pretty soon to be any chance but they do have talent to make it if they can play. Path to the finals includes away games to the Raiders, Dragons and Cowboys with home games to Sharks, Panthers and Raiders. Look I'm not going to say there isn't a degree of risk with this 8 and in particular this selection. I'm not sure the Broncs can win next week against the Raiders at home let alone the run they need to secure the top 8. I have them dropping next weeks game to the Raiders on the road, turning it around at home against the Sharks. A win at home against the Panthers will see them make 7th, a loss and they're doing it tough. No doubt they will go down to the Dragons, but a tough win over the Cowboys on the road and a home win over the Raiders will make the comeback complete for this team that is all but down and out at the moment.

8. Panthers
I'm sure that the Professor will tell me all about the Panthers chances and that the 8th spot is the worst they will finish but I've done the math. The most likely alternate ending to this line up in my mind is the panthers at 7th and Cowboys and Broncs fighting for 8th. Panthers have a win against the Warriors at home, a loss to the Dragons at home, a loss to the Broncos away, a win against the Bunnies at home, a loss to the Eels away and another loss to the Knights away. Plenty of games that the Panthers could win but I like it the way I have called it.

Points difference to determine final standings as usual but pretty confident on the line up as you see them here. The finals as I see it unfolding is:

Titans (w) v Sea Eagles
Storm (w) v Knights
Bulldogs (w) v Broncos
Dragons (w) v Panthers

Semi finals
Titans (w) v Knights
Storm (w) v Sea Eagles

Pre-lim finals
Bulldogs (w) v Storm
Dragons v Titans (w)

grand final
Bulldogs v Titans

To be honest the Dragons deserve to win the title but Titans on their day are one team that can un-do the dream and bring on more cries of serial chokers.

Well you heard it hear first Dogs v Titans final!

Monday, July 20, 2009

The McFan club

As the second test draws to what looks like a painful close, it doesn't seem too early to summarise a few thoughts and look forward to the third test. Some reflections:

1) Andrew Flintoff's post wicket celebrations make me want to punch him in the face. And the English commentary team (and even a lot of the Aussie media) seem to be pretty keen to fuel the douche fire within.

2) Umpiring decisions: Just baffling. Three out of the first five dismissals, just horribly wrong.

3) Ponting: Always wrong. If the coin is in the air, and you are thinking tails: Call heads. If you think that an extended North spell is the right choice: try Hilfenhaus. If you can't remember who that 15th guy in the squad is and you're tempted to call him Kasper: try Sarfraz.

4) Stuart Macgill is the new Richie Benaud.

5) Apparently Mitchell Johnson has a girlfriend who is good at karate. Did you know that?

Some thoughts on Selection:

1) North and Hauritz shouldn't coexist. If Ponting is hitching his cart to Hauritz, then the allrounder spot must go to McLovin. Hauritz can tie up an end for five days with innocuous offspin. So, unless you want to tie up two ends with innocuous offspin, there is no real job for "Pete" North with the ball. Alternatively, and this is radical thinking, you could pick a BATSMAN at 6. North fills a role in an Australian team without a specialist spinner, but I challenge anyone to tell me that if there is no bowling role for North what he offers that someone like David Hussey, or the chunktacular Brad Hodge doesn't. So, option one: McLovin. Option two: Specialist Batsman.
2) Of course, you can keep North and drop Hauritz. I'm not saying that Hauritz hasn't surprised me with those little nothing balls of his, but North can earn his Allrounder tag as the supplement to a four-pronged pace attack of death. Who constitutes that pace attack is a matter of some debate. Hilfenhaus is the only shoe. Johnson needs to suck less, much less. Maybe Ricky and co should watch him in the nets or something. I find it unfathomable that Johnson wouldn't be showing symptoms of suck in the nets. It would be nice to imagine that Johnson is okay. Siddle is not getting a lot of help from the English decks, but is reliable and an over-eater. Sarfraz is on a learning tour, so look for Lee to be the fourth member of the attack. Look for Lee to be a mentor for Johnson. Johnson might not get better at cricket, but will be gangbusters on the Double Bass.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I will start this post by apologising to Nathan Hauritz. He bowled well in the First Test, except at the end of Day 5 after Captain Dipshit Ponting bowled him for 100 straight overs. My concern is, considering that was the best I've seen Hauritz bowl in his entire career, can he bowl any better? Maybe that was as good as he's got. Anyway, I've perhaps been a bit harsh on him.

Where was Hilfenhaus at the end of Day 5? We are all wondering Punter. We are also wondering why you didn't bowl your best swing bowler to open Day 2. I reckon if the "Hilf" or the "Haus", whichever you prefer, opened proceedings on Day 2, we clean them up for 30-40 runs less. That would have given us maybe 10+ more overs at Monty and Anderson on Day 5. Does Ricky Ponting ever think ahead? Does he think at all out there, or does he just run off instructional flashcards from the coach? Under any other Australian Captain after Kim Hughes, we win that Test.

The conundrum for Australia in the bowling department is how to incorporate Sarfraz into the series:
Everyone except Punter thinks he should be in the line-up but at the same time you have a good balance with the other three quicks. Hilfenhaus has finally arrived, meaning we have a genuine swing bowler. Siddle can rough up batsmen and when he gets it right, like his ball to knock over Prior in the first innings, he's dangerous. And Johnson continues to take wickets with all of his rubbish balls. It can't be flukey anymore. He just has a knack of bowling a crap ball, but getting someone out. The decision on the bowling line-up is made easier by Ponting's view that Sarfraz is shite.

The other thing that really jumped out at me watching the First Test is that if we bat first, we will win any given Test in this series. We have a far superior batting line-up. The only problem being that one of our illustrious Captain's favourite phrases is "we'll have a bowl". It was the toss for the Second Test in '05 when Ponting called correctly. I got up thinking to myself, "sweet, Aussies batting, Pommies under the pump again, this could be just about series over". I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and then from the kitchen heard the fateful words..."We'll have a bowl". I missed the first few overs cleaning up the beer that I had dropped and smashed in disbelief. By 4am AEST the next day, England were back in the series with 450+ runs on the board for the loss of just a couple of wickets. We lost that Test by two runs but it should never have come down to that last wicket stand. He bowled first without the great Glenn McGrath and comitted the greatest error of judgment in Australian cricket history, at the same time, giving England both momentum, and belief.

England's bowler's were rather shite in the First Test, and it looks like "Mummy's Boy" Harmison will be back for this one. He should have played in Cardiff in my opinion, and it should spice up their bowling attack a bit. The beauty of Harmison is that he is great to watch when he gets it right and also when he gets it wrong. He's a crowd pleaser, that's for sure. Freddy Flintoff has announced his retirement at the end of the Ashes '09 in a lame attempt to fire up the Poms; the fairytale finish he's dreaming of could, and hopefully will, backfire spectacularly with the Poms getting spanked.

Umpires for this one are Umpires Doctrove and Koertzen:

Can Captain Punter bring home the Ashes? I reckon even Kim Hughes could get us over the line with such a talented squad. Or will Punter be overwhelmed by Freddy-mania and ultimately use it as an excuse for another failed Ashes tour? My advice would be...don't come home without victory...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

ASHES 2009

Tired of bemoaning the selfish, backward, downright stupid selections of the NSWRL selectors, it's time to turn our attention to those other idiotic selectors - the Aussie cricket team selectors. The guys that have kept the faith in Cameron White over the years. The guys who have never wavered in their belief that Shane Watson will one day be the greatest all-rounder to have ever played. The guys who took Nathan Hauritz, the most hopeless spinner to ever don a baggy green, to England. The same guys who insulted this country's finest bowler, by guaranteeing Brett Lee an Ashes start before Stuart Clark. But praise the Lord, Lee has been ruled out of the First Test through injury; there really must be a God...

For what it's worth:

Here is Stuart Clark's Test record:

Mat Inns Balls Runs Wkts BBI BBM Ave Econ SR 4w 5w 10
Tests 22 44 4864 2067 90 5/32 9/89 22.96 2.54 54.0 6 2 0

Pros: Bowls McGrath-esque nagging line and length. Test record speaks for itself.

Cons: Is not a Bollywood superstar. Does not play in a rock band. Ricky Ponting thinks he's shite. No hair-gel action.

Here is Brett Lee's Test record:

Mat Inns Balls Runs Wkts BBI BBM Ave Econ SR 4w 5w 10
Tests 76 150 16531 9554 310 5/30 9/171 30.81 3.46 53.3 17 10 0

Pros: Could once bowl really fast. Ricky Ponting thinks he's awesome. Is a Bollywood superstar. Plays in a gun rock band. Exclusively uses hair-gel.

Cons: Bowls slower these days, and generally bowls pies. Innocuous looking 76 Test record, particularly his average. Bowled pies for the entire '05 Ashes tour.

In a word, Brett Lee's 2005 Ashes series. To kill two birds with one stone, Nathan Hauritz's 2009 Ashes series.

You be the judge there...

Australia should win this Ashes series. The England side they are facing doesn't look half as good as the England '05 squad. To me, their batting line-up looks a bit thin, whilst their bowlers look good without comparing favourably to the top shelf, albeit ball-tampering '05 attack. Simply put, the Aussies won their last series in South Africa; England got rolled for 53 in an innings against the Windies earlier this year. On an unrelated note in terms of Tests, they lost a T20 match to the Netherlands. I just like to bring that one up, because losing to the Netherlands is hilarious. The main concern for Australia is the shiteness of Hauritz. Ian Chappell & co are panning the idea of considering to not play a specialist spinner; well Chappelli, as it were, we didn't take one on tour. I have seen more dangerous spinners than Hauritz in C Grade Warehouse...on Gabba grass no less. Suddenly, perservering with Krejza, like I suggested in the summer, seems like a real fucking good idea. How the hell did the selectors come to the conclusion that Krejza is a worse bowler than Hauritz? On one bad match in Perth, that's how. Idiots. On the pace bowling front, Stuart Clark will keep things tight as usual, and take wickets, but Ponting will still be unhappy because he doesn't nudge 150km/h. I think Peter Siddle is going to have a great series. He keeps the ball low off the pitch, keeps working on getting more swing and has a bit of mongrel. For the Poms, the non-selection of Harmison has robbed the First Test of a potential Harmy meltdown, always fun to watch:

I want my mummy!

You know its Ashes time when People magazine has the showdown between Aussie boobs and Pommie boobs. I'm predicting a 5-0 whitewash to the Aussies there!

Will "We'll Have A Bowl" Ponting, bring home the Ashes this time? He fucking better!