Tuesday, July 7, 2009

ASHES 2009

Tired of bemoaning the selfish, backward, downright stupid selections of the NSWRL selectors, it's time to turn our attention to those other idiotic selectors - the Aussie cricket team selectors. The guys that have kept the faith in Cameron White over the years. The guys who have never wavered in their belief that Shane Watson will one day be the greatest all-rounder to have ever played. The guys who took Nathan Hauritz, the most hopeless spinner to ever don a baggy green, to England. The same guys who insulted this country's finest bowler, by guaranteeing Brett Lee an Ashes start before Stuart Clark. But praise the Lord, Lee has been ruled out of the First Test through injury; there really must be a God...

For what it's worth:

Here is Stuart Clark's Test record:

Mat Inns Balls Runs Wkts BBI BBM Ave Econ SR 4w 5w 10
Tests 22 44 4864 2067 90 5/32 9/89 22.96 2.54 54.0 6 2 0

Pros: Bowls McGrath-esque nagging line and length. Test record speaks for itself.

Cons: Is not a Bollywood superstar. Does not play in a rock band. Ricky Ponting thinks he's shite. No hair-gel action.

Here is Brett Lee's Test record:

Mat Inns Balls Runs Wkts BBI BBM Ave Econ SR 4w 5w 10
Tests 76 150 16531 9554 310 5/30 9/171 30.81 3.46 53.3 17 10 0

Pros: Could once bowl really fast. Ricky Ponting thinks he's awesome. Is a Bollywood superstar. Plays in a gun rock band. Exclusively uses hair-gel.

Cons: Bowls slower these days, and generally bowls pies. Innocuous looking 76 Test record, particularly his average. Bowled pies for the entire '05 Ashes tour.

In a word, Brett Lee's 2005 Ashes series. To kill two birds with one stone, Nathan Hauritz's 2009 Ashes series.

You be the judge there...

Australia should win this Ashes series. The England side they are facing doesn't look half as good as the England '05 squad. To me, their batting line-up looks a bit thin, whilst their bowlers look good without comparing favourably to the top shelf, albeit ball-tampering '05 attack. Simply put, the Aussies won their last series in South Africa; England got rolled for 53 in an innings against the Windies earlier this year. On an unrelated note in terms of Tests, they lost a T20 match to the Netherlands. I just like to bring that one up, because losing to the Netherlands is hilarious. The main concern for Australia is the shiteness of Hauritz. Ian Chappell & co are panning the idea of considering to not play a specialist spinner; well Chappelli, as it were, we didn't take one on tour. I have seen more dangerous spinners than Hauritz in C Grade Warehouse...on Gabba grass no less. Suddenly, perservering with Krejza, like I suggested in the summer, seems like a real fucking good idea. How the hell did the selectors come to the conclusion that Krejza is a worse bowler than Hauritz? On one bad match in Perth, that's how. Idiots. On the pace bowling front, Stuart Clark will keep things tight as usual, and take wickets, but Ponting will still be unhappy because he doesn't nudge 150km/h. I think Peter Siddle is going to have a great series. He keeps the ball low off the pitch, keeps working on getting more swing and has a bit of mongrel. For the Poms, the non-selection of Harmison has robbed the First Test of a potential Harmy meltdown, always fun to watch:

I want my mummy!

You know its Ashes time when People magazine has the showdown between Aussie boobs and Pommie boobs. I'm predicting a 5-0 whitewash to the Aussies there!

Will "We'll Have A Bowl" Ponting, bring home the Ashes this time? He fucking better!


Professor Chaos said...

I concur with all of this.
Hilfenhaus = must play at least the first two tests. I've been praying for the new Terry Alderman since the old one left.

jonathan said...

I'm waiting for the next match. They play great and will always so.

Poker said...

Well written article, and I agree entirely. Thank you for your fresh point of view. Keep up the good work.

Captain Carnage said...

Good to hear from you guys, Jonathon and Poker. We'll do our best to keep it coming...someone has to tell it like it is!