Monday, February 4, 2013

Assclown Of The Month - January

After much deliberation, our panel of experts were unable to split the two standout candidates for January's Assclown Of The Month award. That's right, it's a TIE!!!

Co-Assclown Of The Month #1: JOHN INVERARITY

Firstly, this guy just looks so fucking old:

The last time I saw someone that looked this old, they drove past a "no exit" sign, proceeded to drive in the wrong direction around a roundabout, then tried to reverse into oncoming traffic and got stuck facing the wrong way at the traffic lights at said roundabout.

Secondly, this guy is just a fucking extension of Andrew "Assclown Himself" Hilditch, I have seen no overall improvements in the scheme of Australian cricket under this old bastard. He's largely ignored the Argus, will no doubt ignore the Warnie, can't be told anything by anyone, has ramped up "rotation" to the point of insanity, which has left us with many injured bowlers (because instead of actually bowling everyday they spend their time fucking around with upper body weights and downtime (onya Pat Howard)), has given Michael Clarke (a petty and selfish man) a spot on the selectors panel, has left us with the possible horror story of a Maxwell/Smith middle order in India (fuck me dead) not to mention a possible Maxwell/Smith bowling attack (kill me now), not to mention that Steve Fucking Smith might actually get somewhere near that flight to Heathrow, and lastly, he's just so fucking old and has no fucking idea what he's doing. No more worthy candidate. Or is there?!?!?

Co-Assclown Of The Month #2: RAY LEWIS

Watching this assclown's blubbering pro-God bullshit after playoff wins against Denver (who grabbed defeat from the jaws of victory), and New England ($1.20 favourites in a playoff game, LAY THAT SHIT ALL DAY!!!), before enduring him collecting another Superbowl ring, well I still remember that the guy is an absolute c-word of a human being. Let me refresh your memory: Murder investigation. Missing white suit. Victims' blood in his limo. Dobs in friends. Obstructs justice. Pays off victims' families. 6 kids from 4 different woman. 4 different women that he's beaten up. Sorry Ray, your team was the better team in the Superbowl, it had nothing to do with God because it's safe to say that he thinks you're a c*#t too...

   "Man Don't Decide That. God Decide That."

Pretty sure God has bigger issues to deal with than making sure an assclown like you wins another Superbowl...

Friday, February 1, 2013

A good day for bit players

I stopped posting regularly a couple of years back for a couple of reasons. First, my work and life commitments increased. Second, the Argus review filled me with hope that the dark days of inept selections were behind us.

But then this happened. Rejoice, bit-players!

More to come on this squad later, but my first thoughts when I read it are that the selectors have no plan. Off the top of my head, the first choice team right now is probably along the lines of:

  • Cowan, Warner, Hughes, Watson,  Clarke, Khawaja, Wade, Siddle, Starc, Pattinson, Lyon.  
And that, is actually a perfectly cromulent starting XI. Sub in Johnson or Bird if you feel the need, your mileage may vary. You might want to play two spinners on a turning deck. In that case, maybe you use an all-rounder at the six spot. For that reason I can fathom carrying Henriques - who completely deserves his chance and Maxwell (although it's a bit more of a leap of faith to see Maxwell batting in the top six of a test team. So, perhaps you end up with a team that looks like:

  • Cowan, Warner, Hughes, Watson,  Clarke, Henriques, Wade, Siddle, Doherty, Pattinson, Lyon; or
  • Cowan, Warner, Hughes, Watson,  Clarke, Maxwell, Wade, Siddle, Starc, Pattinson, Lyon.
So, barring my long-standing objection to Mitchell Johnson, you have two very questionable selections.   The first is Xavier Doherty. We know what Xavier Doherty can do, which is probably not enough at test level. Why pick Doherty? The selectors have hitched their wagon to Nathan Lyon, and the unexciting Doherty will be unlikely to inspire a "spinner controversy" in the selection room.  Ideally, you would have seen the selectors groom a legitimate challenger to Doherty (the Colin Kaepernick to Lyon's Alex Smith) but, hey that is what forward thinking organisations do.

The really difficult selection to fathom here is Steve F. Smith.* Looking at the three possible line-ups listed above, it is difficult to see what role SFS would play. As much as I am a fan of Ed Cowan (Ed has his own article coming next week), I understand the need to have a reserve batsman on tour, to either cover for poor form from Cowan or Khawaja - or, I don't know, an INJURY. At the moment, your reserve batsman is Steve Smith. If one of the top five batsmen get injured, get ready for a middle order of Smith & Maxwell at five and six**. That's what this squad sets up. My first choice for the 17th member of the squad would have been Brad Haddin, for his ability to act as an adequate cover for the top six batsmen, and I don't know push/cover Matthew Wade.  Otherwise, take your pick of Bailey, Ferguson, Doolan, D. Hussey or whoever else you want, really.

* Steve Fucking Smith

** Hey, maybe Smith gets lucky and then he's your starting number six in the Ashes. You brought this on yourselves, Australia.