ASHES 2009

Tired of bemoaning the selfish, backward, downright stupid selections of the NSWRL selectors, it's time to turn our attention to those other idiotic selectors - the Aussie cricket team selectors. The guys that have kept the faith in Cameron White over the years. The guys who have never wavered in their belief that Shane Watson will one day be the greatest all-rounder to have ever played. The guys who took Nathan Hauritz, the most hopeless spinner to ever don a baggy green, to England. The same guys who insulted this country's finest bowler, by guaranteeing Brett Lee an Ashes start before Stuart Clark. But praise the Lord, Lee has been ruled out of the First Test through injury; there really must be a God...

For what it's worth:

Here is Stuart Clark's Test record:

	Mat	Inns	Balls	Runs	Wkts	BBI	BBM	Ave	Econ	SR	4w	5w	10
Tests	22	44	4864	2067	90	5/32	9/89	22.96	2.54	54.0	6	2	0

Pros: Bowls McGrath-esque nagging line and length. Test record speaks for itself.

Cons: Is not a Bollywood superstar. Does not play in a rock band. Ricky Ponting thinks he's shite. No hair-gel action.

Here is Brett Lee's Test record:

	Mat	Inns	Balls	Runs	Wkts	BBI	BBM	Ave	Econ	SR	4w	5w	10
Tests	76	150	16531	9554	310	5/30	9/171	30.81	3.46	53.3	17	10	0

Pros: Could once bowl really fast. Ricky Ponting thinks he's awesome. Is a Bollywood superstar. Plays in a gun rock band. Exclusively uses hair-gel.

Cons: Bowls slower these days, and generally bowls pies. Innocuous looking 76 Test record, particularly his average. Bowled pies for the entire '05 Ashes tour.

In a word, Brett Lee's 2005 Ashes series. To kill two birds with one stone, Nathan Hauritz's 2009 Ashes series.

You be the judge there...

Australia should win this Ashes series. The England side they are facing doesn't look half as good as the England '05 squad. To me, their batting line-up looks a bit thin, whilst their bowlers look good without comparing favourably to the top shelf, albeit ball-tampering '05 attack. Simply put, the Aussies won their last series in South Africa; England got rolled for 53 in an innings against the Windies earlier this year. On an unrelated note in terms of Tests, they lost a T20 match to the Netherlands. I just like to bring that one up, because losing to the Netherlands is hilarious. The main concern for Australia is the shiteness of Hauritz. Ian Chappell & co are panning the idea of considering to not play a specialist spinner; well Chappelli, as it were, we didn't take one on tour. I have seen more dangerous spinners than Hauritz in C Grade Warehouse...on Gabba grass no less. Suddenly, perservering with Krejza, like I suggested in the summer, seems like a real fucking good idea. How the hell did the selectors come to the conclusion that Krejza is a worse bowler than Hauritz? On one bad match in Perth, that's how. Idiots. On the pace bowling front, Stuart Clark will keep things tight as usual, and take wickets, but Ponting will still be unhappy because he doesn't nudge 150km/h. I think Peter Siddle is going to have a great series. He keeps the ball low off the pitch, keeps working on getting more swing and has a bit of mongrel. For the Poms, the non-selection of Harmison has robbed the First Test of a potential Harmy meltdown, always fun to watch:

I want my mummy!

You know its Ashes time when People magazine has the showdown between Aussie boobs and Pommie boobs. I'm predicting a 5-0 whitewash to the Aussies there!

Will "We'll Have A Bowl" Ponting, bring home the Ashes this time? He fucking better!

The Captain's NSW Origin III team

This continues the discussion from the comments courtesy of Major Turdler (aka The Phil Gould Fan Club) under the post "How do these guys keep their jobs?"...

My first forward picked, were he fit, (and I acknowledge that he won't be ready for game 3), would be Ben Cross. I look back to last year and he was fantastic in the two games he played in. In the game he didn't play, the other forwards in our pack were exposed as sissies, as we had no go-forward and got caned 30-0 accordingly. A Weyman/Cross front row looks a tantalising prospect over the next few years, particularly with the aging QLD front row. Poore in the run on...I guess I just cannot yet forgive the flimsy defence of he and Farah to let Folau score in game 2, as if he brushed off a couple of sheets of A4 paper. I'm going to throw someone else in the mix. He doesn't play for a flash club, and most people probably don't even know who he is, but I like an unsung hero. Particularly one who is in the top 10 in hit ups, metres gained and tackles made. El Masri, just can't have him in Origin circa 2009. If you play Campese, he can kick goals. Monaghan I'd also prefer to see on the wing. I have thought long and hard about the halves. Barrett is 31. The series is over. Wallace didn't work out. I pick Mullen with a view to him being picked for the WHOLE SERIES next year. I think he can become the undisputed NSW halfback if given a whole series. As much as I've tried to talk Mullen out of things in the past, I am now convinced he gives you all the skills required. Particularly when paired with Campese. Lastly, RE: the hooker...I have had a hundred or so QLD supporters that are astounded that we haven't picked Ennis. They hate him. They hate him becauses he's the most annoying fucker in the game and is from NSW. Imagine if he actually played for the Blues, how much they'd hate him. The new Benny Elias perhaps? Here's the team I would select, after kicking the current selectors in the nuts until they finally quit, and with a view to next year:

1. Hayne
2. Josh Morris
3. Jennings
4. Lyon
5. Monaghan
6. Campese
7. Mullen
8. Weyman
9. Ennis
10. Douglas
11. Laffranchi
12. Creagh
13. O'Donnell (C)

14. Gidley
15. Watmough
16. Leahroyd-Lahrs
17. Bailey

O'Donnell has been our rock in the forward pack and has shown that he can lead the troops. Not an ideal captain perhaps, but better than a fullback being captain in Origin when he's generally 50 metres away from what's going on. We've already lost the series, so why the fuck not? Could be a masterstroke. I keep Gidley on the bench because he and Mullen are able to orchestrate attacking raids out wide from inside their own half, which would hopefully give Jennings some space. Hayne obviously needs to be involved more. Monaghan would mark Folau and Morris could take Boyd. Campese plays a lot of dummy half at the Raiders so he/Gidley give Ennis a short breather. Anyway, I reckon it's a pretty well balanced team. Enough to get the hard work done up the guts and plenty of attacking options. Though I'm pretty sure the NSW selectors and Crankypants Bellamy will have their own horrid masterplan for game 3...

New poll with an origin Flava.

Vote away, go Blues.

How Do These Guys Keep Their Jobs?

Namely Bob McCarthy, Bob Fulton, Geoff Gerard and Laurie Daley. These guys have had as much success as NSW Origin selectors as Nathan Brown had armed with the hottest squad in the NRL, unfortunately coupled with the tactical nous of an under 8's coach. That's about as much success as Brad Fittler trying to find his hotel room after 88 schooners. If NSW suffer a fourth consecutive series loss tomorrow night, then these fuckers must go. The latest in a fucking gi-normous list of faux pas, is picking a centre/winger to cover for the loss of the utility player. I am a big Josh Morris fan, but how Terry Campese, Ben Hornby, and Michael Ennis aren't better equipped as utility players is fucking beyond me. These clowns make me so fucking angry, year in, year out, but unlike everyone else in the world, seem to suffer no consequences of doing a fucked job.

Over the years, this group or members of this group of selectors have also been responsible for (in no particular order):

* Repeatedly picking a guy like Steve Simpson, even though he turned invisible whenever he donned a sky blue jersey.

* Selecting the two biggest softcocks in Origin history; Jason Stevens and Jason Ryles.

*Persisting with guys like Braith Anasta and Brett Kimmorley, when they clearly weren't good enough to get the job done, rather than blooding some youngsters.

* Seemingly for no reason, repeatedly snubbing/dropping Anthony Laffranchi, even though he is deemed good enough to be in the run-on side for Australia.

* Picking players out of their natural positions.

* Not giving new players second chances.

* Picking 53 year old second rower Craig Fitzgibbon as a front rower.

* Making NSW fans fucking angry with their perplexing selection processes and lame excuses after losses.

That's just a couple of points off the top of my head. If I had time to think about it, there'd be many more I'm sure.

Regardless of the selectors' incompetence, I'll always be a Blues man and hope they can give us something in Origin II. They need a QLD-esque performance, to win against the odds. Let's just hope that if Robbie Farah goes down, Josh Morris is as good at hooker as the selectors think.

Dominating The Dojo...

Blue Samurai are my bitches!

Gentlemen, We Need To Find Us A Scapegoat Again...

As usual, after an Origin loss, Craig Bellamy and the NSW Selectors need to find someone to hold personally responsible for said loss. Terry Campese gets it this time. In his defense, I have seen many far worse Origin debuts. You're nervous early, make a couple of errors/poor choices but finish off the game okay. No you couldn't conjure up any miracles, but it was your first Origin, right? Anyway, as per usual, the selectors felt the need to trot out another old hand...Trent Barrett. I have nothing against Barrett, he'll probably play well, as he has in his side's "hot streak" where they have put away the Eels (14th), the Warriors (11th) and the Raiders (13th); but why you wouldn't give Campese another go is beyond me. They've embarked on a youth campaign, but sadly, and not for the first time, they've not had the balls to see it through. I think it also justs adds more confusion to Wallace's game having a new partner in the halves. Anyway, I hope Barrett can develop some chemistry with Wallace and remembers that his good form has been against rubbish teams, so he'll need to step it up a notch. I just want to end this post by expressing my deep desire to put one right between Colin Love's eyes. I can't stand the man and have no confidence in anything he's involved in. Is it wrong to want to punch an old guy? Even though he's a total douchebag? He makes me want to break stuff...

C'mon the BLUES!!! Give us something!

Show Some Respect!

Tim Cahill was refused service at Sydney bar Trademark over the weekend before being shown the door. Who exactly the fuck do these people think they are?! This isn't just another boozed up League star here, this is Tim Cahill, the golden boy of football in this country:

Take that Japan!

What were these idiots doing when this was on? The man is a fucking national hero! A national hero should be able to drink as much as he pleases without being harassed by wanker pub staff. How dare these assholes throw him out! Fuck you Trademark and your bonehead security staff! Tim Cahill is the fucking best!

WHAB in Lockdown

Our writers here at WHAB are currently in quarantine with full-blown Swine Flu. I personally blame dirty QLD'ers like Ben Hannant,

who don't think of the implications that rooting pigs can have on everyone else. Anyway while we've been bunkered down, QLD won Origin I after some highly dubious refereeing decisions, England got rolled by the Netherlands (!!!) in the T20 World Cup, Black Piranha shed his Group 1 bridesmaid tag in the Stradbroke Hcp, Brett Lee bowled an awful array of pies that were smashed to all corners of the Old Dart, the Socceroos officially qualified for South Africa 2010, "Bestial" Ben Hannant slept with a pig and gave everyone even remotely involved in the NRL Swine Flu, Jensen Button (!) continued to make it look like the rest of the field were racing ride-on lawnmowers, and Roger Federer finally blubbered his way to the French Open crown.

Who knows how long we'll be bailed up in this hell-hole with this miserable virus. "Hey JB, throw us another beer will ya!". Yeah this really sucks. "Professor, get the door will ya, that'll be room service!". Anyway, we better get back to being violently ill with this epidemic monstrosity that is Swine Flu. Check out our story in the coming days on Today Tonight and ACA...and be afraid people...be very afraid...it could happen to you.....

Latest News

I have been quiet since the announcement of the NSW Origin team; this is possibly because I'm still in shock that the selectors didn't do something completely fucking stupid like they usually do. For the first time in ages, they have picked form players, in their specialist positions, and have resisted "staying loyal" to guys who have been getting creamed by QLD for the last few years. As usual though, they have overlooked a couple of current Australian players in Watmough and Laffranchi...all I can think of is that these guys must be suspected of boning the selectors' wives to miss out. Ennis can consider himself unlucky as well, especially if your name is Professor Chaos, see below. They are very unlucky, but, then again, one can't really argue with the form of the players they have picked in their places. The Campese/Wallace halves combination...I haven't ever looked forward as much to seeing a pairing like this. Hopefully Jennings gets some space to show his blinding speed and he, Hayne and McManus can hold their own against Folau and Inglis. Oh, and Boyd...he's a real monster out there on the wing...A special shout-out must go to Michael Weyman! One look at the before & after and all you can say is "Thanks Wayne Bennett!".

In other news, QLD has picked their standard bunch of homos.

Also, for those of you who haven't yet had enough of the group sex scandal fiasco, check out the Chaser tonight.

The utility of a utility player.

Here is a very simple question which I will direct to the NSW origin selectors:

If Craig Wing is limited to play halfback and hooker, and Robbie Farah is a competent halfback/hooker, then what utility does Craig Wing offer in a bench spot that could not be offered by the far superior Michael Ennis?

This is no attack on Wing, however this look at a few scenarios demonstrates the fact that Wing offers no coverage for injury that doesn't already exist in the team. 

1. Scenario 1:

There are no injuries

Ennis and Farah play 40 or so minutes each at hooker. Potentially both can be on the field at one time. 80 minutes of Ennis and Farah (both kept fresh) means that the blues have a lot of spark out of dummy half.

2. Scenario 2:

Injury to Wallace/Campese

Farah probably slots in to the #6/#7. Wing (a far inferior #9 to Ennis) goes to hooker. 

3. Scenario 3:

Injury to Farah

Wing (a far inferior #9 to Ennis) goes to hooker.

4. Scenario 4: 

Injury to any other back

Basically this is the situation that would have given Wing the Edge.... in 2001. At this stage of his career, Wing is a marginal centre or winger at best. This is obvious. So Say a centre goes down. With or without Wing, Campese likely goes into the centres, Farah to the halves and Wing into 9. Wow, as opposed to the same shit, but with Ennis at #9 instead of Wing. 

The above scenarios demonstrate something pretty obvious. Wing's role in the NSW origin team is an interchange hooker and utility hooker (and halfback). Picking the better hooker for the final bench spot would have been more sensible - as due to the presence of Farah, Wing provides no utility value. 

This is just bat-shit-fucking-crazy. The selectors are telling you one of two things:

1) They didn't run through these very simple scenarios at the selection table. And are thus lazy. 

2) They did run through these scenarios at the selection table, concluded that Wing was a superior hooker to Ennis and are thus complete twats.

The selectors do deserve some credit. The Captain will rejoice that his mancrushes Terry Campese and Michael "Truffle Shuffle" Weyman were selected. I'm quietly pleased by the selection of Luke Lewis as 18th man. After pocketing $400,000 per season from my Panthers for doing sweet FA for 2005, 2006, and 2007 I am okay with him having his heart broken just a little.  Though I hope he plays. Go Luuuuuuuke.