Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Professor Returns...Forgets To Hit "Publish Post"...Is This Piece Actually Finished? I'm Not Sure...

Time to offer the Australian selectors a bit of credit, following the release of the Australian test squad to tour Sri Lanka. I begun reading the squad with trepidation, knowing that the 'Kat' wouldn't be there, no beacon of batsmanship in a sea of nonsense was expected from the top-order. And of course, there was no Katich. Too old. Too useful. Values his wicket. Once threatened to throw hands with his lovestruck skipper.

But then... Shaun Marsh! Huzzah. Just the man that could have righted the ship against England all summer. Marsh deserves his chance at this level, as only a mountain of runs or an interesting haircut can convince this selection panel. And his call-up is long overdue. Sure, he may not get a run, with the amazing form of Phil Hughes, and the man who proves that nothing can prolong your career like a good multi-vitamin - Ricky Ponting - standing between him and a test match, but at least we know he is finally knocking on the door.

And the bowling looks likely. The choice of Copeland is again, late. Weight of wickets eventually has triumphed. Roebuck, between being a complete dick, threw out a Sarfraz comparison for Copeland today and one hopes that the comparison is for bowling, rather than the pants prowess that surely made Sarfraz's card read: 'never to play test cricket ever ever again no matter how well he bowls.'

There are of course issues. The aforementioned Kat omission rankles the most. And Mitchell Johnson again proves that he can neither bowl his way out of a wet paper bag, or the test team. And two duelling spinners, battling for a test spot. This may remind the selectors of taking both Slater and Hayden on an ashes tour and watching them raise their games, battling for the opportunity to open with Mark Taylor. The difference however, is that neither is very good.

Of course, the most irksome issue is that two young, quality quicks will make the trip to Sri Lanka, return the kind of figures that only the subcontinent can give you and get the non-test-player stamp on them.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Fifty Not Enough?

AFL umpires boss Jeff Gieschen dropped a bombshell yesterday by hinting at the introduction of a 'one hundred metre penalty' for season 2012. Gieschen, who has come under fire for his umpires' repeated shithouse performances, the unbelievable amount of fifty metre penalties awarded over the past few weeks, and general game-ruining, hit back at his team's critics. "It's one hundred percent the players fault. They are obviously just all completely fucking stupid. It seems that they're not getting the message and we may need to look into harsher penalties" he said. "Whether you're five metres over the mark or five millimetres, I really don't give a fuck. And if you're a millisecond too late to a contest, that's a fifty all fucking day. A player should realise in the millisecond before his millisecond of being late that he is going to be a millisecond too late and thus, is going to be a millimetre over the mark, and pull out of the contest" continued Gieschen.

Gieschen examining a bump from the weekend's play...six to eight weeks for that shit son!

He also suggested that fans and umpires alike loved fifty metre penalties. "I know for a fact the boys love to dish them out, but I also sense the excitement of the fans when a fifty is awarded. The crowd just goes wild! A seemingly innocuous passage of chipping on the half-back line becomes a set shot from fifty metres out. A shot from fifty metres out becomes a 'gimme'. What fan wouldn't enjoy watching their team march up the field without actually having to play any footy to do it?!?". Suggesting that a harsher penalty for infringements at the marking contest was needed, Gieschen put forth the idea of a 'hundy'. "Not only could this help with dumb-ass players facing the prospect of an even bigger spray from their coach, we could have full-backs getting shots on goal. We could have guys like Matty Scarlett and Daniel Merrett in Coleman medal contention..." he mused.

Fan reaction to the news was mixed. "As a Collingwood bogan, we know we can bully the umpires into shit decisions so it's going to be great for the 'Pies" said Collingwood bogan cheer-squad leader Joffa.

Already top of the table, the 'Pies and their bogan army will be unstoppable with the introduction of the 'hundy'...

"Fuck the umpires, fuck Gieschen, fuck fiftys, fuck hundys. The game has become a fucking unwatchable joke. I watched a replay of the 2003 Grand Final recently and I could swear that I was watching a different fucking game. It was unrecognisable. That was only eight years ago! Seriously, you can't fucking bump a guy without getting rubbed out and you can't even look at the guy on the mark or you cop a fucking 'hundy'. This is what you get when put a guy in charge who was a shit player and a shit coach, he becomes a shit director of umpiring and gives already shit umpires ways and means to become more shit. Thanks for completely ruining the game fuckheads" said seriously fucked off Brisbane fan Captain Carnage.

The umpires boss is also coming under fire from players with a spate of broken ankles, torn ankle ligaments and torn calf muscles in recent weeks. Many are considering legal action after sustaining their injuries trying to avoid going a millimetre over the mark whilst running at full speed. "Basic physics will tell you that it's impossible to just stop dead when you're running at full speed but that is what we are being asked to do. I tried to stop on a dime, my ankle just snapped like a twig, and then while writhing on the ground in agony, I suffer the added pain of the umpy awarding another fifty" said one player who didn't wish to be named for legal reasons, and also so he could unleash this spray on Gieschen and his "faggot" umpires: "It's season over because of these fuckwits and their bullshit rules. They just fuck the game up a little bit more each year. Those little, mostly balding fuckers in their gimpy little outfits, with pasty poofter chicken legs, with no feel for the game whatsoever, they just make my fucking blood boil. Thanks a fucking lot you bunch of cockbags."

"That's a hundy! You can't call me a gaylord, even if it's true!"

Sunday, July 17, 2011

You Know It's (Definitely!) Not Your Team's Year When...

On the Rabbitohs last set of six in regular time, Roosters hooker Anthony Mitchell is knocked out next to the play the ball. When this happened to Mick Crocker earlier in the game, play was stopped for 10 mins while he was helped off the ground, stunned, but resplendant in a freshly-dressed Armani suit...Is he okay?...We can hold up the game for a bit longer if his measurements aren't quite right...But anyway, with Mitchell in fucking la-la land, this time, it's 'play on'. Whatever. After Souths complete their set, the Roosters work their way downfield to seemingly set up a shot at the match-winning field goal. Anasta is set to the left, 40m out. Just where he hit that one to sink the Tigers in last year's's going to Anasta there on the left, that's the play...then, as a still obviously concussed Mitchell staggers into dummy half and fires the ball to the right, and a valiant 42m left-footed attempt from Jason Ryles lands 10m short and 5m wide, as the big fella throws his hands in the air and asks "why the fuck would you give it to me?!?!?', well, you can almost sense that little fucker Sandow smashing over a golden-point droppy from 52m out in the rain...

There's always next year.....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Origin 2011, Final Thoughts

Congratulations QLD. Congratulations Locky. Congratulations even to fat Inglis, though commiserations to Rusty Crowe because that'll be all for Inglis for the season!

I am always gracious in defeat, and don't generally like to comment straight after matches where my team has lost, as drunk QLDer mates tend to pass it off as sour grapes, without even listening to what I say.

Again, congrats to QLD, what I'm about to say is not meant to undermine the Maroons victory in any way...

But Tony Archer is the worst fucking referee ever in the history of Rugby League. I had no dramas whatsoever with Shayne Hayne's call of the game tonight, but the slicked-back Archer, too busy greasing back his hair and listening to his own whiny voice instead of being competent, well he can go fuck himself, and then do it again. He now has the trifecta; a fucking disgraceful performance in the NRL Grand Final, a fucking disgraceful performance in the Tri-Nations Final, and a fucking disgraceful performance in the Origin Decider. And yet, this fuckwit, who clearly isn't up to it, continues to be awarded with a whistle in the big games. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! If he inexplicably gets given another big game, then I will have no choice but to be at said game and finish what Todd Carney started...

And Sam Thaiday...what a hard man. He smashed Soward. He really smashed Pearce. He picked a fight with Gidley. He even smashed this puny, pasty clown:

Fuck you're a hard man Sammy. You are real tough guy. Maybe even a hero...

Final Analysis: Lockyer = champion. Archer = fuckwit. Thaiday = "hard man". Sticky, brought some passion back to the Blues shirt. Bozo, enough is e-fucking-nough. Everyone has a place in life...yours is with The Continuous Call Team. Qld got the business done and Locky got his fairytale...But the Blues showed me enough, in a series with two away games, to make them specials for next year. That's right, put your house on 'em. At 24-0, and with no possession to speak of, to somehow end up only losing that match by 10 was a solid effort. A couple of consolation tries maybe, but you can't say that QLD had clocked off when they were pounding the Blues line for last 20 minutes. At 24-10, the Blues had plenty of chances but lacked the clinical finish. The Count's trap-with-the-foot-gone-wrong ended up being the difference; it kept Qld just far enough in front that NSW felt they had to play catch-up footy for the rest of the 18-10, they're playing more sensibly in attack than at 24-10. Add home ground advantage to the Blues new-found spirit under adversity, then subtract Lockyer, add a tentative Thurston just getting back to regular football after a potentially serious injury, add/subtract Qld guys getting old, then add that Qld couldn't be more due for a series loss, and the Blues will win next year. You heard it here first.

That's me done for Origin 2011. Looking forward to 2012, where the Blues will reign and the Maroons will be of busted-ass...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Origin III Thoughts

The moment of truth is finally here for NSW, Sticky and Bozo. Only a win tonight will suffice in the eyes of WHAB. Only maroon-shirted hicks with their heads in their hands, as a tear rolls down Locky's cheek, is good enough. Near enough just ain't fucking good enough. I don't want to know about an "honourable loss" followed by Bozo talking up the 2012 tilt. It's go time Blues! Fire 'em up Gallen!

On a sobering note for the Captain is the realisation that I will soon be father to a QLDer, unless I can convince the missus to head south of the border when the moment arrives. "But the Tweed is only an hour away...honey, do you really want our son to grow up a bogan, grow a rat's tail, leave home one day in some sort of Holden vehicle, and move to Ipswich?...And worse, he'll never know the feeling of getting steak pieces caught between his two front teeth...

The poor little fella won't stand a chance..."