Johnson Watch

It was refreshing to see Clarke hook Johnson out of the 1st innings opening attack after a mere two overs yesterday. Ponting would have let him roll through at least 10 overs of pies during his reign, so it was great to see a captain not afraid to hook an under-performing and horribly inconsistent bowler. And it was fair enough; the Rhino had only gone for 3 runs and Johnson, once again, was easing the pressure at one end allowing 14 off his two. While Watson and the Rhino proceeded to tear the Jaapies a new one and Siddle chipped in with a run out, Johnson wasted space. Brought back on when SA were 9-for, to try and claim a meaningless, yet confidence-boosting scalp, he couldn't get it done and the Rhino didn't need a second invitation. 0/28 off 5 in a total of 96. Fan-fucking-tastic. Then, during the Aussies batting collapse, he played a fucking stupid shot exactly when it wasn't needed, picking out gully perfectly.

A match report is forthcoming; it will be all wrapped up early on day 3. There will be questions asked. People will be held accountable. There will be words of curse. It's the WHAB way.

WHAB's Match Report: Parental advisory...

The Professor Returns...Forgets To Hit "Publish Post"...Is This Piece Actually Finished? I'm Not Sure...

Time to offer the Australian selectors a bit of credit, following the release of the Australian test squad to tour Sri Lanka. I begun reading the squad with trepidation, knowing that the 'Kat' wouldn't be there, no beacon of batsmanship in a sea of nonsense was expected from the top-order. And of course, there was no Katich. Too old. Too useful. Values his wicket. Once threatened to throw hands with his lovestruck skipper.

But then... Shaun Marsh! Huzzah. Just the man that could have righted the ship against England all summer. Marsh deserves his chance at this level, as only a mountain of runs or an interesting haircut can convince this selection panel. And his call-up is long overdue. Sure, he may not get a run, with the amazing form of Phil Hughes, and the man who proves that nothing can prolong your career like a good multi-vitamin - Ricky Ponting - standing between him and a test match, but at least we know he is finally knocking on the door.

And the bowling looks likely. The choice of Copeland is again, late. Weight of wickets eventually has triumphed. Roebuck, between being a complete dick, threw out a Sarfraz comparison for Copeland today and one hopes that the comparison is for bowling, rather than the pants prowess that surely made Sarfraz's card read: 'never to play test cricket ever ever again no matter how well he bowls.'

There are of course issues. The aforementioned Kat omission rankles the most. And Mitchell Johnson again proves that he can neither bowl his way out of a wet paper bag, or the test team. And two duelling spinners, battling for a test spot. This may remind the selectors of taking both Slater and Hayden on an ashes tour and watching them raise their games, battling for the opportunity to open with Mark Taylor. The difference however, is that neither is very good.

Of course, the most irksome issue is that two young, quality quicks will make the trip to Sri Lanka, return the kind of figures that only the subcontinent can give you and get the non-test-player stamp on them.

Hilditch Puts His Spin On Cricket

Trying not to think about another likely series loss for the Blues this evening only leads me back to something that's been bothering me every bit as much as the disgraceful lack of contract for the Master Of The Grundle, Simon Katich. What do Nathan Hauritz, Jason Krejza and Xavier Doherty have in common? Well they've all been trotted out at Test level for Australia and, quite frankly, have sucked. So in rebuilding for the future, Master Douchebag Hilditch and his merry band of douchebag selectors reward all 3 of these guys with a contract. That's right. All 3 of these guys that you've witnessed stinking it up against the Poms have been given fucking contracts. One wonders what in the fucking hell we need these guys for if they not only can't cut it at Test level, but are competing for ODI/T20 spots against Cameron White and Steve Smith. I guess, looking forward to our next Ashes tour, that gives us 5 fairly useless options in the spin department. But seriously, it's all about the future...And building an army of spinning all rounder types for limited overs. Which is great considering we just missed the boat on that one with the sub-continent World Cup done and dusted for another 12 years or more. A future of 40-year-old-spinning-all-rounder-limited-over-specialist types, ripping it up at the 2024 World Cup eh Hilditch and sidekicks? You fucking clowns, where's the future in this squad without some young spinners who've shown some early skill in the longer version of the game? And you know what? The thing that's mostly fucked us all off is losing 3 STRAIGHT FUCKING ASHES SERIES' YOU FUCKING TWATS! If I could ask for just one thing as an Aussie cricket fan, it's Ashes glory! And you're telling me Phil Hughes, a distinct lack of grundle, and this collection of spinning mediocrity is going to get the urn back for us?!? Are you d'bags off your fucking trolley?!?

So to Hilditch, G. Chappell, Boony and Cox, on behalf of all true Aussie cricket fans, Simon Katich, Brad Hodge, and even Zaheer Khan;

FUCK AND FUCK OFF NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From One Lot Of Retards To The Next...

As if the Blues demented selections weren't enough, that douchebag head of selectors for the Australian Cricket Team is at it again. This time he's decided that super-grundler Simon Katich isn't in the top 25 cricketers in the country, with a view to the next Ashes series. Sure the Kat has never been the most exciting batsmen but I've always felt that he's someone who could consistently be relied upon at the top of the order. And given our current situation, i.e, an Ashes flogging on home soil featuring a pretty average bunch of cricketers, there is no question he is well inside our best 25. He's more like top 5 or 6. I can understand that Hilditch and his cronies want to get a younger opener in for the next Ashes BUT: Firstly, they could have done it by dropping our best batsmen Watson down the order and keeping the Kat as the experienced opener. If Watson bats at 4 or 5 I reckon he averages around 80. Secondly, even if they keep Watson as opener, what happens if it doesn't work out with Hughes? Which is highly likely, mind you. The only other option is Paine who is a keeper/ODI opener and you would think more of a perfect replacement for Haddin at 7 in a couple of years. Surely you couldn't entertain the idea of Haddin opening. The man loves to loft. And that's great when you bat at 7 in Tests or open in ODI's. Not great when you open in Test Match cricket. Katich was the perfect guy to keep in this transitional phase. He gave you options. Now there's only one immediate option, and it's a huge call to assume that Hughes will work. The guy no doubt has plenty of mental scars from his previous Ashes campaigns. The worst thing about this is that because the Kat doesn't have a contract, they won't consider him even if Hughes sucks or Watson gets injured. They will have to stubbornly try to justify their belief that he's not in Australia's best 25. And he should be pointing out that he, in fact, is easily in that group, with a Brad Hodge style barrage of abuse...

I've seen it before. Once you don't have a contract, you only get a look in for a tour of Zimbabwe. And if they picked me for a tour of that hellhole, and I'm sure I can speak for the Kat here, I would consider that a fucking insult...

Things That Have Angered Me Since My Last Blog Post

- Mitchell Johnson.

- After giving Clarke the benefit of the doubt for not bowling Steve Smith in the 1st ODI, who I've got no doubt would've had Malinga skying a catch within two overs, I see Smith named for the 2nd ODI. So clearly, Smith wasn't injured at all as some reports had suggested. And even more clearly, Clarke has no testicles and is every bit as shithouse at captaincy as Punter.

- Mitchell Johnson's tatts. He's got his whole arm inked up but as the guy on Cricinfo said, the only tatts he needs are one on his left arm inked with "line" and one on his right with "length".

- The inexplicable decision to not play Xavier Doherty in the 2nd ODI after his brilliant debut performance in the 1st ODI. I was gobsmacked when I saw Hauritz was replacing him. There is no sane reason for a decision like this and the selectors can go royally fuck themselves for it.

- Johnson, when interviewed during the coverage of the 3rd ODI, saying that he was focusing on bowling really fast and wasn't paying any attention to media reports about his fucking horrendous bowling. How about bowling better instead of fast and actually taking it on board when people are saying you're fucking terrible, because generally criticism comes your way for a reason you fucking douchebag.

- After seeing the batting line-up for the ill-fated 2nd ODI, I did some calculations in my head; I subbed out Cameron White, dropped Brad Haddin down the order to 7, and subbed in Simon Katich and Marcus North...well fuck me, that's our Test batting line-up! That's what you want in an ODI!

- Johnson being comprehensively out-bowled by the relatively inexperienced Clint McKay and debutante Mitchell Starc in the 3rd ODI. McKay picked up a 5-for and Starc bagged 4. In case you're wondering, Watson got the other wicket. In his first match, Starc showed exactly where a left-hander should be consistently bowling. Maybe that's why he had 4 times more wickets in one game than Johnson had in 3 games. And we're backing this guy for the fucking Ashes. Fuck me sideways.

- Finally, bumfuck sports journalist Robert Craddock basically blaming our misfortunes on Dave Warner, Cameron White, Shaun Marsh and James Sutherland's 14 man Cricket Australia team being over-loaded. Boy has this fucktard missed the point. Dave Warner...a T20 specialist. Cameron White...after being highly critical of White over the years, all I remember in recent times is him smashing us out of trouble in the late overs on numerous occasions; in fact, I think the team plan in the short form of the game of late is to pretty much leave it all up to White to smash us to a decent score/victory...Shaun Marsh, has definitely been disappointing, but does he make Johnson bowl bad? Does he make inane selections at the selection table? Does he make the testicle-less calls not to bowl a potential match-winner? Does he neglect to mention how fucking shithouse Johnson is bowling at present?...Sutherland, well, anyone who knows anything about cricket knows that the guy is a complete fucking boob and has no idea how he got his job. But seriously Robert Craddock, if that's your conclusion then you are an even bigger fucktard then I already knew you were. You could've slagged off Ponting, Johnson, the selectors, Hilditch, the regime in general, but you came up with the most fucking off the mark article in the history of cricket. You're shit, and you know you are and you can seriously go fuck yourself...and then do it again...

But Mostly, Fuck Mitchell Johnson

After the loss in the first ODI, and being subjected to some of the most stupid bowling imaginable...where to begin...okay we'll start here: Fuck you Johnson you piece of shit. And fuck you Michael Clarke for throwing that fucking joker the ball when the game was on the line. Honestly, Clarke/Ponting, what the fuck's the difference? Clarke makes all the same fucked up calls as Ponting does. He just hasn't mastered bringing himself on at the death yet. Seriously, that worked once, and it was all ass rather than class. Johnson and Siddle, as senior bowlers bowling to Malinga and Matthews was just downright unwatchable. I went and tidied the kitchen instead, hoping that when I came back they'd be not bowling anymore. Short, wide, short and wide, legside, every form of a pie-delivery you could think of, they bowled it. It was pretty much business as usual for Johnson. England must have been licking their fucking chops watching that. Siddle seemed to be working on a cunning plan of getting a catch on the boundary off a mistimed hook shot. How about this plan...bowl at or near the fucking stumps and on a length! Hastings wasn't much better but I can forgive him on the grounds he's only played a couple of games. Tim Nielsen describes what he saw: "We kept bowling bouncers that were chest high rather than head high, we bowled a few wides, we bowled a few slower balls that we didn't land properly, and we didn't really do anything out of the ordinary". Yep. Thanks Tim. Now how about you do something about it you giant douchebag. The worst part of it all was that Clarke clearly had no idea what to do. It looked like he was going to break down and cry. Harden the fuck up princess!

But you've got to always look on the bright side. No matter how fucked everything else was, Xavier Doherty was superb. He should be waited on hand and foot by his teammates who fucked him over from the man-of-the-match award in his debut performance...maybe Johnson could give him his Sir Garfield Sobers Trophy, because there's no way he fucking deserves it...

How Predictable

It's funny how a guy does absolutely nothing of importance for a couple of years until a grilling from WHAB fires him up. After being the subject of much ire in a recent post here on WHAB, Marcus North finally pulled his finger out. Now, this better not be a one-off, flash-in-the-pan champ. I'll still be keeping an eagle eye on you, particularly bearing in mind that the pitch was just about friendly enough for me to knock around a half century...Anyway, the power of WHAB seems to be at work again; it wasn't too long ago that we were giving Shane Watson a royal tongue-lashing here and look at him now! He's our best player!

To more serious matters now, in a message for Sreesanth; you are nowhere near good enough nor fast enough to wear a head-band while bowling. You are an ass-clown. Harbhajan should bitch-slap you again, much harder this time.

The main point of this piece is that our illustrious leader is staring into the face of another series loss. Despite a superb piece of captaincy, throwing Michael Clarke the ball, and bringing in long-on for a wicket the next ball. Great stuff, cutting India down to just 5/411. What a cricketing genius he is, having the foresight of knowing that Raina would play a crap shot and hit the ball straight to long-on, as India are left teetering at 5/435 at stumps.

There's just one more series to go...the final frontier begins November 25.....

Musings/Rantings

After suffering through a Grand Final loss featuring Tony fucking Archer and pouring rain, two things that the Roosters are allergic to, my attentions turn now to cricket I guess. I'm not sure what else to do with myself to be honest, after a massively boozy, yet ultimately disappointing extended weekend. So cricket it is, and arriving home I got to watch the tail end of Ricky Ponting captaining the Aussies to another Test loss...and with some cricketing mastermind coming up with the Two Test series, it could well be another Test Series loss for Punter. The thing that annoyed me the most was Mitchell Johnson somehow managing to take 5 wickets in the first innings. I'm sure Punter thought that was all well and good, but watching him bowl leg-side pies to try and close out the match was a bit hard to cop. I honestly have no idea how that guy won an ICC Cricketer of the Year award. Was every other cricketer in the world just absolute rubbish that year?!? Surely there was someone who at least had an alright year...maybe every batsmen facing Johnson that year got cut-shot-from-a-wide-one-and-caught-at-point happy. It's the biggest mystery of the sporting world for mine. Actually, it's the second biggest. The biggest is why you'd even bother to select Nathan Hauritz if you're just going to bowl Marcus North at the business end of the match. Maybe it was just Punter's way of trying to justify a guy being in the team who's been clogging up the No. 6 spot in the order with meaningless knocks for a couple of years. Seriously, how the fuck is Marcus North still in this team? Don't we have the best domestic competition in the world? Is there no-one else? Do we have to settle for such mediocrity these days? Apparently so. If you're going with North as your off-spinner then how about picking another batsmen to compensate for the huge hole that's at No. 6.

The other big news in cricket is the introduction of a new one-day format, seemingly devised by James Sutherland. I've generally found that when Sutherland has anything to do with anything, it gives me the shits. But anyway, the new Ryobi One Day Cup has split innings and is like a "mini-Test match". I boycotted the first match because it sounds as stupid and not properly researched as everything else that James Sutherland has ever been linked with. You can re-invigorate the game all you want, but in the end, cricket is simply ball vs bat in any form of the game. If you really want the crowds to come back to the one-day matches, here's a free tip pal; let the people have a bit of fun. And by fun, I don't mean sitting silently and motionless, drinking light beers all day and not building cup-snakes. That's not fun you clown and that's why no-one goes. Seriously, cricket in this country would be the only sport in the world to ban the Mexican Wave...

The Second Test vs India starts this weekend, let's see if Punter can bag a 2-0 loss to prepare for his final frontier...a possible home Ashes series loss.

Brett Lee Interview

With the news that the ACB have kept Brett Lee's contract, throwing out those of Stuart Clark, Nathan Bracken and David Hussey, we thought we'd catch up with the Bollywood superstar, guitar hero, Ashes legend and former fastest-ever-recorded-bowler-ever.

WHAB: So Brett, you must be very, very, very, very, very pleased that the ACB have renewed your contract...

BL: Yeah, I'm mega-stoked. I thought that considering I've done sweet FA for the past couple of years, they might want to go in a new direction. But I guess nothing can replace bowling really, really fast. With myself and Taity, that's some serious heat right there...

WHAB: So you were as surprised as the rest of us?

BL: Yeah. But I guess that the ACB has looked backed upon my illustrious career and shown me the loyalty that my mega-fast bowling deserves.

WHAB: Yeah...right.....so what are your goals for the coming year?

BL: I'd like to just get back into the first XI for Australia in all forms of cricket. Obviously I'd like to play more than 3 matches this year, injuries permitting. I'm a bit older now, so I'll leave the ultra-mega-fast-bowling to Taity. I'd like to think of myself as a bit of a role model for Taity, so I'll definitely focus some energy there...as Taity's personal coach, I reckon he can bowl 165km/h...Outside of that, I'd like some more Bollywood action and I have a new side-project called "Caught Behind", so things are looking good.

WHAB: Do you feel that Stuart Clark, Nathan Bracken and David Hussey have been hard done by?

BL: Not really. I've always had the edge on Sarfraz as a bowler, he just bowls too slow quite frankly. So does Nathan Bracken. Sure he changes up his pace in the limited overs form of the game, but nothing can substitute for raw pace. And David Hussey, well Adam Voges is clearly the man in the middle order for the Aussies, in all forms of the game. His output has been seriously huge for us. He has been just awesome for us in the last couple of years, particularly in the pressure situations. I mean, it's easy to score runs when we're cruising to victory. Anyone can do that. But it's how you lift yourself when you're under the pump, that's what's impressed me with David Hussey, I mean, Adam Voges in recent times. Seriously, what has D. Hussey done for Australian Cricket that A. Voges can't do?

WHAB: Well, best of luck for the coming year champ...you're definitely going to need it...

BL: C'mon champ, don't be such a negative Nellie! I'll be sweet, maybe not as fast as Taity, maybe not taking any wickets, but, if nothing else, check out the smooth sounds of "Caught Behind".

WHAB: I'll be sure to do so. Really. Thanks for your time dickw-....I mean cheers pal...

First Test Post Match Comments

Firstly, congratulations to Shane Watson on his maiden Test century. He has shown all the youngsters out there that, if you are an all-rounder, and the selectors like you enough to give you a hundred chances to impress, then you too can score a century thanks to a dropped catch. Honestly, why is Abdur Rauf fielding at point? Why would you put a fast bowler there? Do we plug the point region with Doug Bollinger? The West Indies had an even more retarded idea; let's put the ungainly Sulieman Benn at point. But back to Watson, and in all seriousness, he has surprised me with the quality of his batting. That is, until he hits the nervous nineties, where he transforms back to the crappy Watson of old. Straight bat, still head, timing, clean hitting, it's quality stuff. However, the man-child still has a long way to go for us here at WHAB to forgive the spoilt brat persona that comes with being gifted ODI and Test call-ups without doing anything to deserve them for years on end...

The other notable from the match was Mohammad Aamer. In Australia's second innings, he gave us a glimpse of what to expect over the next 5 or 6 years until he breaks down. I can't imagine being a Test spearhead at just 17 is going to lead to a long career, so enjoy his Wasim-style bowling and all-round brashness while you can. Aamer aside, I find it hard to believe that this is the Paki's best bowling lineup. Abdur Rauf; innocuous medium pacers, and obviously not in the team as a specialist point fieldsman. Mohammad Asif; kept things tight at around 130k/h and picked up a couple of wickets...if you look up "first-change bowler" in the cricketing dictionary, you'll find that exact description. There seems to be a couple of other speedsters in the wings and they need to be given a go. Aamer can't do it all. Saeed Ajmal; convincingly out-bowled by Nathan Hauritz. For all the doosra talk, he bowls a poor man's Murali' doosra. Hopefully Danish Kaneria will be right to go for Sydney, if so, we might see a cracking Test match.

Obviously Pakistan's batting appeared a little thin also. It will be interesting to see if Younis Khan answers the call to bolster their line-up for Sydney.

Happy New Year to all, strap yourselves in for a big 2010!!!

An Excerpt From The Captain's Diary 2009

August 23, 6:30pm, The Oval, London: Sitting in a quiet dressing room, I put my head into my hands and the questions start. Why? How? Then I remember something that Andrew Hilditch said: "Look Punter, we've lost Warne, McGrath, Gillespie, Gilchrist, Hayden, Langer"...It makes me feel a bit better. It's not my fault. The boys tried their hardest, even Mitch with all his dramas. Poor guy. What a mean mum he's got. Yeah, we tried our best but we were such a young team. If only Brett Lee had of been fit. Might have been a different story then you Pommy bastards. Did I do all I could as captain? Yeah, I did my best. Made the right calls. What the fuck would people back home know? They weren't here in the trenches with my inexperienced squad and the selection panel. Fucking Aussie media and armchair experts. I can just imagine what those fuckers at WHAB are writing. The English media think I'm doing a great job. The Poms were just too good. They'll go down in history as a truly great side. I'll tell my boys how proud I am of them. Sure we lost the Ashes again, but we tried hard against a superior opponent, so we can hold our heads high. Like Andrew Hilditch whispered in my ear just now; "we've set the foundations to build for the future". He's right. The man knows what he's talking about. Knows cricket inside and out. Knows the right things to say. What are you looking at Sarfraz? Fucking extra baggage you were. Young Phil looks pretty dejected. Poor guy. He had to go though. Shane Watson is the future, already with a couple of nice 50's to his name. Plenty of big centuries around the corner. Some nice bowling too. The more I look around, it seems the harder my team tried. We'll take this pain - the pain of losing the Ashes, and we'll take the pain of losing the Ashes before as well, and use those losses as fuel for our Ashes 2013 tour. They say you have to lose an Ashes tour or two, or even three before you can appreciate winning one. We'll be back Poms. I'll be back...until then I'll imagine what it feels like to lift the urn and scream to the heavens: "Fuck you WHAB!"......

Exclusive Andrew Hilditch Interview

Ahead of the Test series against the Windies, WHAB caught up with the mastermind behind our selections, Andrew Hilditch.

Insert your own caption here_______________

WHAB: Welcome to WHAB.

AH: Thank you.

WHAB: First things first; how do you justify the lack of sackings after the disastrous Ashes tour?

AH: Disastrous? I don't think that's the right word. The phrase I prefer to use is "learning curve". We lost guys of the calibre of Warne, McGrath, Gilchrist, Langer, Hayden, the Waugh brothers, Border, Big Merv and Boony in the last few years so it was always going to be close to impossible to beat such a talented England side.

WHAB: Right...that actually created even more questions...didn't we lose those guys years ago? And most would say that the England side was one of the weakest and most beatable in Ashes history...

AH: Well they dusted us off so they couldn't have been that bad. And yes, we missed those guys greatly. We're in a rebuilding phase at the moment; we haven't been able to replace those guys and probably won't for many more years yet.

WHAB: Forgive me for being blunt Andrew, but to me that just sounds like a copout and an excuse for you to keep your job.

AH: Now listen son...we were never going to win the Ashes despite the best efforts of our Captain and his inexperienced squad. But we have to move on. These things take time but we're looking forward now to the West Indies and another challenging series.

WHAB: A challenging Test series against the West Indies? Are you joking?

AH: No, I'm most certainly not. They are a dangerous side and I'm anticipating a closely fought series.

WHAB: You'd be about the only one. I'm not going to mince words here Andrew; it seems to me that you are trying to make us all believe that Australia are worse than they really are and that other sides are better than they really are, in order to justify your position, the positions of your fellow selectors, and the position of your Captain.

AH: That's ridiculous. Nothing more than hearsay and conjecture.

WHAB (muffled): Douchebag...

AH: Sorry, I didn't quite catch that...

WHAB: So, how are we shaping up for the First Test?

AH: It's going to be tough. Without Warne, McGrath, Gilchrist and the likes

WHAB (coughs): Bullshit...

AH: Pardon?

WHAB: Now answer me this; did Stuart Clark shag your missus? Is that why he is continually overlooked for selection?

AH: That's preposterous. If he is not selected for a series, then it is because he's not the right man for the job. Plus we've got a good young crop of pace bowlers coming through, most of which can bowl 150 km/h, which is very exciting.

WHAB: Are you sure he didn't run over your dog?

AH: No. Why is it that no-one in this country believes that we have at least 6 pace bowlers who are a better option than Stuart Clark?

WHAB: That is perplexing isn't it? Now Dean Jones said recently that "When you lose the Ashes, normally someone's throat gets cut. Now they just get paid more". How do you respond to such criticism?

AH: Well, like I said earlier, we've lost some of the all-time greats in Warne, McGrath, Gilchrist,

WHAB (muffled): Fuck me...

AH: Sorry, what was that?

WHAB: Nothing Andrew. I think that's about all for today. That's definitely all I can take...

AH: Well thanks for having me. Look, we dominated the run-scorers and wicket-takers in the Ashes, so there are positives moving forward.

WHAB: ......................................I....need.....a......fucking......drink.........................................................

The Rollercoaster Ride Of The Sports Fan

As a lover of all things sport, you experience a wide range of emotions. Like the untold anger you feel when you hear the latest report that Phil Hughes is to be dropped for the Third Test, on the back of just two sub-par Tests (just three innings).

There's bemusement when you hear of Karmichael Hunt going to play AFL, a game worlds apart from Rugby League. You see that the Gold Coast can afford to dick around trying to get bums on seats for their debut season when they have something like 25 of the top 20 picks in the AFL draft. The only problem is, if he doesn't cut it in the QAFL (a highly likely scenario), can you afford to play him in the AFL?! Yes, there's bemusement to be had.

But mostly, it's the rage you feel when Phil Hughes, a guy who made a century in each innings against South Africa (see Dale Steyn, world's #1 ranked bowler), is dumped for Shane Watson. A guy who has done absolutely nothing, in any form of the game, for his country. He has played eight of the most mediocre Tests you could imagine. But to the deadshit selectors and Captain Fucktard, this compares favourably to Hughes brilliant performance on the tour of South Africa and just three (3) average knocks in the Ashes.

There's the calmness that comes from knowing your NRL team, who have sucked incredibly all year, have signed a coach who will next year clean out every old, fat, useless, stupid, overpaid, drunken idiot from the place. Serenity now.

Then there's the feeling that you just want to smash something when Phil Hughes gets dropped for Shane fucking Watson, and you wonder does this also mean there will be no Stuart Clark because now we have an extra "bowler". Or "all-rounder" should I say.

I'm excited to see Michael Schumacher returning to Formula 1! I hated the guy for so long being a massive Hakkinen fan, but it will be fun to see how he goes at the ripe old age of 40. Hopefully he tears it up and saves my huge plunge on Jensen Button from earlier in the year by taking points off the Red Bulls...

But in the back of my mind, there's the outrage, and I just keep coming back to the bunch of fucking spastics that we call our selectors and that fucktard of a captain of ours, who hates our best bowler Stuart Clark, makes fucked decisions, sets fucked fields, and thinks denting the confidence of Phil Hughes by inexplicably dropping him here, for a fucker who's done nothing and picks up injuries simply by walking out his front door, is the best way to get back into this series.

Then there's hope...yes.....Watson pops out his shoulder, breaks an ankle and tears a stomach muscle while warming up in the nets, before being hit in the head and heavily concussed by a wayward Mitchell Johnson delivery.....Reinstated Hughes blasts a double ton, raises his bat, then drops his strides in the direction of the Australian dressing room and parts his cheeks....

Finally, the enigmatic Major Turdler is officially done supporting the Australian cricket team. He confided in me today saying "I've snapped" and "Am done. Done." after this shocking decision. He went on to say that he hopes that Stuart Clark will defect to Bangladesh and lead them to a Test series victory over a Ponting led Australia. In his self-imposed exile, he will be supporting Bangladesh should they acquire the services of Sarfraz, if not, he will now support Ireland, as well as any team playing against Australian under Ponting's captaincy.

The McFan club

As the second test draws to what looks like a painful close, it doesn't seem too early to summarise a few thoughts and look forward to the third test. Some reflections:

1) Andrew Flintoff's post wicket celebrations make me want to punch him in the face. And the English commentary team (and even a lot of the Aussie media) seem to be pretty keen to fuel the douche fire within.

2) Umpiring decisions: Just baffling. Three out of the first five dismissals, just horribly wrong.

3) Ponting: Always wrong. If the coin is in the air, and you are thinking tails: Call heads. If you think that an extended North spell is the right choice: try Hilfenhaus. If you can't remember who that 15th guy in the squad is and you're tempted to call him Kasper: try Sarfraz.

4) Stuart Macgill is the new Richie Benaud.

5) Apparently Mitchell Johnson has a girlfriend who is good at karate. Did you know that?

Some thoughts on Selection:

1) North and Hauritz shouldn't coexist. If Ponting is hitching his cart to Hauritz, then the allrounder spot must go to McLovin. Hauritz can tie up an end for five days with innocuous offspin. So, unless you want to tie up two ends with innocuous offspin, there is no real job for "Pete" North with the ball. Alternatively, and this is radical thinking, you could pick a BATSMAN at 6. North fills a role in an Australian team without a specialist spinner, but I challenge anyone to tell me that if there is no bowling role for North what he offers that someone like David Hussey, or the chunktacular Brad Hodge doesn't. So, option one: McLovin. Option two: Specialist Batsman.

2) Of course, you can keep North and drop Hauritz. I'm not saying that Hauritz hasn't surprised me with those little nothing balls of his, but North can earn his Allrounder tag as the supplement to a four-pronged pace attack of death. Who constitutes that pace attack is a matter of some debate. Hilfenhaus is the only shoe. Johnson needs to suck less, much less. Maybe Ricky and co should watch him in the nets or something. I find it unfathomable that Johnson wouldn't be showing symptoms of suck in the nets. It would be nice to imagine that Johnson is okay. Siddle is not getting a lot of help from the English decks, but is reliable and an over-eater. Sarfraz is on a learning tour, so look for Lee to be the fourth member of the attack. Look for Lee to be a mentor for Johnson. Johnson might not get better at cricket, but will be gangbusters on the Double Bass.

Captain Clarke Gives Us Hope For the Future

Well the 2nd ODI gives us a sample of the Aussie cricket team under Michael Clarke. Given that Clarke has "learnt everything he can about being a captain from Ricky Ponting" and judging by his selfish pursuit of a 4th ODI century, as captain of his country, in which he forgot that 225 is an absolute rubbish ODI score, even against a crappy NZ outfit, our national cricket team appears doomed for a long time. I want to re-iterate here...NZ are very average. But they look comfortable chasing scores that they would more likely be set by Zimbabwe. I am calling for an entire overhaul of the team. Warner...well it was fun for a while there. The Hussey brothers...there may be a Test series around the corner for you guys. White...White??? Can anyone tell me why the fuck he's still in the side??? Bowling; shite. Batting; shite. Fielding; pretty shite too. Johnson's penchant for rubbish wide bowling doesn't attract nearly as many rash shots as in the Test forum, instead we have to settle for a ridiculous number of wides/leg byes down leg side. Hilfenhaus can swing the ball...er, yeah that's great, just wish he didn't go for 60 off his ten every game...except when NZ are only chasing scores low enough to be set by the UAE. A clue usually helps when you're bowling at the death. Luckily for Hauritz, he didn't roll his piss-weak arm over tonight or there'd be a 50,000 word diatribe on his shiteness. And Punter captaincy clone Clarke, if there is one thing I'll say about the captain, it's that he would have put his team before a moderately paced ODI hundred. Opening the batting and still being short of a century in the 48th over is not cool. You should at least be hovering near 140 by that stage. I'm disgusted with you M. Clarke...obviously the most over-rated woman on the planet is distracting you from all things cricket. That M. Hussey/M. Clarke bore-fest epitomises everything that has gone wrong for this once proud cricketing nation. My heart is heavy watching this crap. The bell is tolling for you, suckful Aussie cricketers...Just re-iterating; this NZ side is fucking useless and they are 2-0 up somehow! Get ya fucking shit together!

Unconventonal Wisdom: Why does Captain Ricky bat 3rd?

In game three of the one day series, a lot of blame should fall on the shoulders of the rather pedestrian looking Australian middle order. An apparently less pressing question is who should open with David Warner.

Whilst Warner was blazing the ball to all corners of the SCG, his opening partner was grundling his way to 43 off 63 balls. More problematic was his slow start. Despite Warners hot start, Australia struggled to keep their run rate over 6.

Who should be Warners partner at the top of the order? In the 50 over game, by definition - there are a limited number of overs. Further, the best opportunity for genuine shot-makers to score is the first 15 overs. After this, the game degenerates into a singles fest. Recent one-day opening stands on average last about 8 overs. Say it takes the first drop 15 balls to get set, we are looking at the start of the 12th over to have the number three established. 

Who should bat at the top of the order? Well, the best batsman in the team. This maximises the potential number of balls that the best batsman can face. It maximises the number of balls that the best batsman can face with the fielding restrictions imposed. It is pretty obvious that Ricky Ponting is that player.

Why then, does Ricky Ponting bat 3rd? Say what you will about Ricky's captaincy, he is Australia's best batsman. The idea of letting openers take the shine off the new ball in test matches to "protect" the number three makes logical sense. However, the same logic cannot apply in the limited overs game. From the school, to warehouse cricket and beyond the idea of the importance of protecting the "first drop" is ingrained. However, a simple look at the nature of one-day cricket would suggest otherwise. I have been massively critical of some of captain Ricky's tactical decisions over the years, but he could go a long way to wiping the slate clean with a brave call here.

Is It Feeeer?

The Australian cricket community was left bemused yesterday with NSW hiring a Kiwi for the domestic T20 final. Andrew Symonds, in particular, was outraged and claimed that it was an un-Australian act by the New South Welshmen. And for once, I agree with him. Whilst Victoria (T20 finalists also) haven't cried foul as yet, you can bet they will if they are beaten by a Brendan McCullum cameo on Australia Day weekend. McCullum was quick to hose down the controversy, saying "I know it doesn't seem feer, and people are a but upseet, but under-arm wasn't feer either and we were upseet about thet for yeers. In fect, we're still upseet about thet, even after all these yeers". New South Wales coach Matthew Mott was unapologetic. "What's the big deal? Contracts and rules and making a mockery of the domestic T20 Big Bash concept shouldn't get in the way of entertainment. If Victoria had any sense, they woud have been on the blower to Chris Gayle or even Andrew Symonds". Actually, I have an even better idea:


Seizing the initiative, glamour A-League club Melbourne Victory have reportedly been in talks with Brazilian superstar Kaka, after his negotiations with Manchester City broke down. "I can't say too much at this stage, but we might be looking to bring in a superstar to win the grand final for us!" exclaimed Victory coach Ernie Merrick. Merrick added, "Just like the NSW cricket team, we want to win at all costs. So if it means burning $10 million, signing a superstar for one game, making a mockery of the league, and listening to Adelaide or Frank Farina or whoever whinging about it for the next fifty years, then so be it!".

WARNER MADNESS!

On Sunday evening as the Aussies openers came out to bat at the MCG, the name David Warner flashed up on the screen. I asked rhetorically and out loud "Who's David Warner?". The missus was passing through and thought I was talking to her...she didn't know either. So there you have it; two days ago, my missus knew as much as I did about David Warner, such has been his meteoric rise. It's hard to think of an Aussie sportsmen who has captured the public imagination in the same way Warner has but when you can smack Dale Steyn around like he's a C-grade warehouse cricketer, than kudos to you son. There have been calls (from the likes of Shane Warne, Bill Lawry and Boof Lehmann) for him to be included in the one-day side immediately with a view to the Ashes; perhaps a bit premature for a tour of the Old Dart, but he should definitely be given an opportunity at some stage durung this ODI series. The guy has got people genuinely excited about cricket and has injected some life back into the Aussie team after a deflating home series loss in the Tests. Looking forward to another big innings tonight, at a reportedly fungus-ridden Gabba...best go over the top then. Hopefully he can put Steyn over the fence a couple more times!

Australia vs South Africa, Third Test.

I will start by applauding the Australian selectors (for the first time in about 15 years) for selecting some promising new faces. I will continue by berating them for doing it far too late. Anyhow, Australia will take to the SCG looking to restore some of the pride that has been dwindling away, thanks to the selectors and Captain Head-In Hands Ponting's complete lack of imagination. We all still bear the scars of the Ashes tour debacle (not completely healed by our whitewash back home), and now, we have suffered the ignominy of a home series defeat. A home series defeat?!?! And sure, we are all disappointed that Dougie Bollinger has grown hair, but if not a mean, bald guy who you wouldn't want to stumble across late at night, then he is a heck of a bowler:

"Are the Aussie selectors watching any of my fucking NSW matches?!"

Andrew McDonald is a great inclusion as well. If Symonds ain't bowling, and correct me if I'm wrong, but is he not the all-rounder that the selectors have decided that we must have, above all else? And if not Symmo, then we must have Watson. Well dipshits, how about a guy who can actually bat as well as he can bowl? Isn't that the definition of an all-rounder?! I'm disgusted with the current state of this team, but am excited to see some new faces who might actually offer something to the team when given a run. South Africa are the number 1 Test side in the world now, so let's not kid ourselves. It's the perfect time to display some talent from the best domestic cricket competition in the world...thankfully the selectors finally think these guys are ready. Now the geniuses led by Andrew Hilditch just need to grow some balls and oust Ponting as captain, at the same time, not giving it to Captain Punter clone Michael Clarke. If a man has learnt everything he knows about captaincy off Ricky Ponting, then, he too, might lose us an Ashes.

Australia v South Africa Review.

Congratulations to the Proteas for an exceptional run chase today. Whilst it was painful as an Australian cricket fan to watch at times, it was one of the better test matches in recent times on Australian soil and sets up what should be a fun series. 

Whilst no Australian batsman managed to post three-figures, this side of the Australian game seems to be no concern. Certainly there are questions over the future of Matt Hayden, however no panic should exist in this regard - if Hayden continues to falter, Klinger's superb season should be rewarded and potential superstar Phil Hughes is only a year or two away. Did Australia score enough runs on a placid pitch? Probably not. Is Australia's batting a weakness? Definitely not.

Bowling, on the other hand IS a problem that should leave Australian selectors with some concerns. The loss to the Proteas in Perth has thrown light on just how much of a struggle the post Warne/McGrath era could become. Whilst Mitchell Johnson has established himself in this game as Australia's frontline bowler, his supporting cast were pretty meek. 

The defeat in Perth encompasses many things. Not scoring enough runs, meek bowling and the main point: The fact that Australia were outplayed by a Proteas team which demonstrated resilience, class superior tactical nous and grace under pressure. Ricky Ponting, rather than putting his finger on any of these points instead blamed Cameron Sutherland. Yet again, Ponting demonstrates the class in defeat that has been one of the sad hallmarks of his tenure at the peak of Australian cricket. Instead of lauding the South African achievement, he blames the curator and then calls out the "passengers" in his team. Whilst many, including we of this blog have exhausted much space on the interweb deriding the tactical nous of ponting, his graceless press conferences must be considered equally damning. 

Ricky Ponting considers how he scored 0 & 32 on a dull and lifeless pitch. 

Again, whilst all credit must go to the victors, the punchless Australian bowling attack must come under scrutiny. Lets start with Brett Lee. Never the most cerebral of bowlers, Lee has always relied on bludgeoning batsmen out rather than thinking them out. In the last four years or so, he has bowled to a good pattern and at pace. Now as he has begun to lose his pace, he looks to be unable to adjust. Of course Lee deserves a chance to right the ship, but without the express pace, Lee could be turning his attention to a full time career in Bollywood sooner rather than later. Peter Siddle looked punchless although he looked to be the better of the bowlers on day five. Unfairly for the big quick, he will be the test matches casualty. Likely, he is the passenger to whom Ponting refers. Unless he is of course referring to Shane Watson, who was 12th man and offered a poor drinks service. Often, Ponting would wait one over, maybe two for his warm milk. Krezja, between flashes of brilliance is yet to be able to put together a long probing spell of bowling. That takes time, his potential to be quite decent should earn him some patience.  

So what to do? In a perfect world, this young team would be led by Simon Katich. 

This is not a perfect world.

At best we can hope for a minor tweak. I would advocate a squad for Boxing day of Hayden, Katich, Ponting, Hussey, Clarke, Symonds, Haddin, Johnson, Lee, Hifenhaus, Krezja and Bollinger. If the deck doesn't look conducive to spin - I would happily go in with that four man pace attack. Bollinger and Hilfenhaus both deserve to make their test debuts and both offer more than Siddle did in Perth.

For what it's worth, it was a pretty dull Perth deck in this match. However, it produced a result. Australia managed to lose 20 wickets on it. Ponting, a guy with Australia's best job should have the generosity to not put the spotlight on a guy who earns maybe 5% of what he earns. For all of the intensity of the Border, Taylor and Waugh years, there was still a graciousness in defeat that is lacking under Ponting.