Saturday, May 29, 2010

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group F


Remember this diving bitch?!?

Like any of us can forget. Grosso, you are a fucking homo, and I'll hate you forever, even if it really was a foul...GET UP YOU FUCKING POOFTER!!!

Yeah, so Italy are pretty good, but seriously, fuck them. And that's not just sour grapes from Germany 2006. Well, maybe just a bit. Okay I'm still nowhere near over it, so kill me. And Grosso isn't in the 2010 squad, but yeah, like I said, fuck those finger-shaking-at-the-ref bitches. They comfortably topped their qualifying group, probably from diving all over the place and wagging their index finger at the ref like so:

They have a cast of Serie A stars in Cannavaro, Pirlo, Gattuso, Iaquinta, Gilardino, De Rossi etc, and I wish them all the worst in South Africa. In a perfect world, they'd get rolled by New Zealand here, but instead they'll probably dive their way to topping this group in a bitchly manner.


Paraguay's strike weapon over the past few years has been tall striker Roque Santa Cruz. I am a Manchester City fan, and from what I've seen of Santa Cruz this year, well, it's been pretty shite. Santa Cruz aside, they are obviously a handy side, finishing 3rd in South America. Benfica's Cardozo is a quality finisher and Borussia Dortmund pair Barrios and Valdez will also help pick up the slack. In fact, Santa Cruz might be lucky to get a run with coach Martino usually favouring new Sunderland signing and attacking midfielder Riveros in the starting lineup. They will, however, really miss the multi-talented Cabanas who had the misfortune of being shot in the head in January. Recent form saw them dominationg possesion but going down to Republic Of Ireland, and a 2-2 draw with Cote'd Ivoire. So you expect a side with such credentials and decent enough lead up form to give a real sight. A strong chance to progress, especially if they can knock off Slovakia.


I'd love to see our cuzzy bro's from across the ditch do well, but the fact is, they are easily the least talented team heading to South Africa. Yes, they looked very competitive against the Socceroos in the recent Friendly...but we were missing 6 starters...and still beat them 2-1. And I know that the Aussies in '06 were a case in point of a team playing with their hearts on their sleeves. But seriously bro', as fun as it is having the Sheep-Shaggers at the WC, they are not progressing. I'll support my Kiwi cuzzies in supporting them against the other teams in this group, and I was shocked when they grundled their way past Serbia last week, but they're not going through...if they get a point, they'll be happy, if they can get two points, they'll be absolutely stoked and if they get a win, they'll be partying Kiwi circa 1985 style:


I don't know too much about these guys, but what I do know is that they won a tough group in qualifying. And if I'm tipping Slovenia (2nd in the same group) to progress, then Slovakia must be a strong chance to do the same. My concern is that their preparation is not ideal leading into a World Cup with just two matches against Cameroon and Costa Rica. The key player is Napoli attacking midfielder Marek Hamsik who has some serious quality about him. At the back, Liverpool's Martin Skrtel will be filling the central defence and up front, the go-to guy is Sestak. They look a well-drilled outfit, capable of some attacking football as well. But really, I'm just going to have to toss a coin to decide between Slovakia and Paraguay...

PREDICTION: Heads Slovakia, tails Paraguay...and it's TAILS! Paraguay to progress with the Azzurri bitches. For punters, you'll get a lot better value taking Slovakia to progress.

Group F

Match Date Venue Team 1 Team 2 Kick-off (AEST)
11 15 June Cape Town Italy Paraguay 04:30
12 15 June Rustenburg New Zealand Slovakia 21:30
27 20 June Mangaung/Bloemfontein Slovakia Paraguay 21:30
28 21 June Nelspruit Italy New Zealand 00:00
41 25 June Johannesburg Slovakia Italy 00:00
42 25 June Polokwane Paraguay New Zealand 00:00

Friday, May 28, 2010

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group E


If you look up "massive under-achievers" in the Football Dictionary, you'll find pages of pictures of men in orange shirts, some looking puzzled, others downcast and others just downright embarrassed.

Oh the humanity...

It's great to watch the Dutch in full flight, unfortunately, they are usually only on for a short time frame. You've really got to catch them. Like in their WC qualifying group where they smashed all-comers. They were the first team to qualify for the Cup because of their total domination of their group. And with the likes of Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder, this Group better watch out or they could be similarly pantsed. Or otherwise there might be more pictures to add to that "massive under-achievers" bit. Robben and Sneijder are quite simply superb footballers and it's no coincidence that their teams squared off in the Champions League Final. And then you throw into the mix names such as Van Persie, Kuyt, Huntelaar, De Jong and Van Bommel and it usually equals fun. At the back, they are captained by Van Bronckhorst but will be missing a familiar face in goal; despite still being considered one of the best keepers in the world, Edwin Van Der Sar has retired from international football. I'm going to lay it on the line, they are absolute specials to top this group...better than bank interest as the tight-ass punters say.


Having accidentally deleted the Denmark episode of Destination South Africa, I asked the boys what they know of the Danes. The Professor offered this:

If she plays her cards right...Mrs Professor Chaos!

Luckily, after my faux pas with the IQ planner, we have a resident expert on all things Danish...

JB Says: Ahh Denmark...Won the 92 European championship after not even qualifying (made it in after yugoslavia didn’t attend for political reasons).

Denmarks 4th world cup and each time having progressed from the group stage – highest reaching the quarter finals in 98.

Qualified this world cup by ousting Sweden and touching up Portugal.

Coach played in WC for Denmark in 86 and coach of Denmark in 02

They tend to play a 4-3-3 due mainly to a lack of star creative players and strikers.

Strength is in first class defensive partnership of Daniel Agger (Liverpool) and Simon Kjaer (Palermo) in the centre of defense. Full backs of Lars Jacobson (Blackburn) and Michael Lumb (Zenit St Petersburg) filling out the back 4 are good but not great. Good depth with central defender Per Krodrup (Fiorentina) on the bench.

Absolute key to the team is Christian Poulsen (Juventus) playing the role of holding midfielder. Will probably be supported in the middle by Daniel Jensen (Werder Bremen) and William Kvist (Copenhagen) with up and coming star of the future Christian Eriksen (Ajax) prob being called on from the bench to provide much needed sparkle in the team.

Upfront you have Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal) and Jon Dahl Tomasson (Feyenoord), although Tomasson has suffered from a severe lack of goals recently.

Very much favoured to make it through the group ahead of Japan and Cameroon with some saying the have the goods to beat an ageing Italy whom they would likely meet in the rnd of 16.

A team built on defence with little spark or depth upfront. Will handle Japan well but could find that Cameroon has enough to put one past them and unable to do the same to the Africans. Having said that depending on what Dutch team turn up to play (mentally more than actual squad selection), possible to hold them out to a draw or get pantsed by 2-3 goals.

Circa 125-1 to win the overall tournament, more action to see if they make it through the group.


Well, you breath a sigh of relief when you don't draw Tim Cahill in your group...and then you draw the Netherlands! And then you find out your coach is off his trolley, talking up some semi-final action in South Africa! If I was Takeshi Okada, I'd definitely be focusing on just making it out of this group for starters. It's going to be tough for the Blue Samurai, probably a little too tough, though not beyond the realms of possibility. There's no way they'll beat the Netherlands but they are a chance against Denmark and Cameroon. The fact that the 3 teams fighting for 2nd here are from different corners of the globe makes for some intrigue. They'll be hoping for big campaigns from Shunsuke Nakamura in the midfield, Nakazawa in defence and Tamada up front. The guy I'm most looking forward to watching is Keisuke Honda; he made me a fan as he helped CSKA Moscow make it through to the Champions League quarter finals. They're recent form is not good with two home defeats, to Serbia 3-0, and Korea Republic 2-0. Okada is talking totally crazy with his top 4 prediction. I'm tipping they miss out on the knockout stages despite having a kick-ass national anthem...


Indomitable: adjective- that cannot be subdued by will, or courage; unconquerable: an indomitable warrior. So the Indomitable Lions is a pretty cool nickname then. Though their idea of an Indomitable Lion;

Looks like Aslan painted green...

All I've heard is that they're the most successful African side in World Cups, which isn't much to write home about. But Cameroon do have a lot of quality about them, starting with their captain, Inter's Samuel Eto'o. Other big names include Makoun (Lyon), Alexandre Song (Arsenal) and Tottenham Hotspur defenders Assou-Ekotto and Bassong. They came through in one of the tougher African qualifying groups (Togo, Morocco, Gabon), and the expectations are high for the World Cup. Perhaps too high. I think they'll fight it out with Denmark for 2nd place in the group. As for knocking off the Dutch...I don't think so.

Prediction: Hey Hey Let's Go Kenka Suru, Taisetsu Ma Nono, PROTECT MY BALLS!!! Netherlands to win the Group, but sorry Okada, you're totally crazy with your top 4 prediction. You should be admitted for that. I will take Denmark ahead of Cameroon for 2nd. Boka Gu Warui, So Let's Fighting Love!!!

Group E

Match Date Venue Team 1 Team 2 Kick-off (AEST)
9 14 June Johannesburg Netherlands Denmark 21:30
10 15 June Mangaung/Bloemfontein Japan Cameroon 00:00
25 19 June Durban Netherlands Japan 21:30
26 20 June Tshwane/Pretoria Cameroon Denmark 04:30
43 25 June Rustenburg Denmark Japan 04:30
44 25 June Cape Town Cameroon Netherlands 04:30

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


FUCK YOU BOB FULTON. AND FUCK YOU BOB MCCARTHY. AND FUCK YOU GEOFF GERARD. AND FUCK YOU LAURIE DALEY. AND FUCK YOU CRAIG BELLAMY. YOU FUCKWITS FUCKED IT UP AGAIN. And I'm over it. I don't even fucking care anymore. I expect us to fucking lose. From the moment you fucktards select our team full of players that are either fucking hopeless, or are playing out of position, or are playing out of position when they're the best in the world at their position, and you choose a captain who is at best a fucking bench player, and certainly no inspirational leader, and you go with one ball distributor and YOU'RE JUST ALL DOWNRIGHT FUCKED IN THE HEAD YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*I hereby nominate Josh Perry as Steve Simpson's heir to the throne as "Mr Invisible".
* Trent Barrett, a proven Origin player and specialist five-eighth just kills it in that game. Kills it.
* Geez Jamie Lyon looked good in the centres in the last 5 minutes of that game.
* Who did you retards think was going to rough up the opposition? Kurt fucking Gidley? Try proven Origin thugs in Barrett, Paul Gallen and Greg Bird.
* Seriously, where was our "utility player". Ennis did his best flying solo, but seriously, you fuckers.

From the vault of the PROFESSOR: The Professor is still with us, just really drunk most of the time, but leaves us with this; "Josh Perry to NSW is the equivalent of David Warner to the T20 Aussie cricket team. Warner is a specialist T20 player. Perry is a specialist Origin player..."

I'll call that some classic sarcarsm right there. Onya Professor.

So congratulations to QLD on yet another series win...a five-peat, if you will...

It used to be that Origin meant the world to me, win or lose. Now, I seriously don't give a fuck because we've lost the game at the fucking selection table. FUCK YOU FULTON, MCCARTHY, GERARD, DALEY, AND BELLAMY. You guys have just ruined Origin, and I sincerely hope history records this for all to see. I'm pretty sure 5 years of fucking it up will be recorded in the anals of history. You are fucking idiots and all NSW fans hate your fucking guts.....take the fucking hint assholes.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group C


Could it finally be time for England again? The Poms always have massive expectations heading into World Cups, usually borne from hot air rather than a squad genuinely talented enough to go all the way. But this time they may just have the right mix. For starters, they have a mastercoach in Capello. Secondly, they have one of the very best strikers in the world in Rooney. And then; Gerrard, Lampard, Terry (Captain Douchebag), Ferdinand, Defoe, Bent, Cole, Cole etc. It's a strong cast, and a much more attacking England squad and, as I said before, they have a mastercoach. Plus they have the 2009 UK Philandering Father Of The Year:

Smash him Tevez!

I'm not even going to entertain thoughts of them not making it to the round of 16, as fun as that would be...


One of the teams the Socceroos will face in their final World Cup lead up match. The Yanks looked pretty good during their qualifying campaign but since then have lost 4 of their last 5 International Friendlies, the only win coming against El Salvador. When you think U.S football, you invariably think Landon Donovan, and I'm definitely a fan. Playing a cameo role for Everton last season has led to more awareness of the guy's talent. Coach Bob Bradley has been an advocate of American players plying their trade in Europe, and aside from Donovan, they have Rangers pair DeMarcus Beasley and Maurice Edu, Fulham's Clint Dempsey, Bolton's Stuart Holden and Borussia Monchengladbach's Michael Bradley to name a few. Their biggest threat in any competition is this guy:

Card-slinger and US-hater Jorge Larrionda

Larrionda sent off two US players during the '06 World Cup match against Italy and recently endeared himself further by slinging another red at Michael Bradley. When WHAB pressed the issue with Larrionda, he started ranting about "that stupid cartoon show insulting our wonderful country":

Uruguayan referees aside, the US will see their clash with Algeria as must win, will be happy with any result against the Poms and then it likely comes to the result against Slovenia.


Slovenia find themselves just above footballing powerhouse Israel in the latest edition of the rankings; not bad for a country of just over 2 million. They conceded just 4 goals in their qualifying group, impressive when you consider they played home and away to group winners Slovakia and regular World Cup finalists (pre-2010) in Czech Republic and Poland. And then they took out Hiddink's Russia in the playoff. I think they are well-drilled enough to cause a lot of trouble in this group; they look like a team who'll frustrate England, take it to the USA and be beating Algeria. I really like their chances to go through here and they are good value in the betting to do so. I'll have a piece of that.


I'll be surprised if Algeria advance in what is a fairly strong group. I'll confess to not knowing too much about them except that they tied with Egypt in their qualifying group of 4. Really it was 2 groups of two, with Algeria battling Egypt for a spot in the World Cup finals and Zambia and Rwanda squabbling over who was the least shite in the group. In case you're wondering, and I really can't imagine why you would be, it was Zambia who were slightly less rubbish than Rwanda. So after dusting off those two, and tying with Egypt, they played Egypt again in a tiebreaker. Football was the real winner with opposing fans wanting to kill each other. The only players I'm really familiar with are Portsmouth pair Belhadj and Yebda. Portsmouth were relegated. All of this doesn't exactly fill me with the bravado to launch into the $3.75 on them to progress. But best of luck to them.

Prediction: England to top the Group and Slovenia to upset the USA and progress.

Group C

Match Date Venue Team 1 Team 2 Kick-off (AEST)
5 13 June Rustenburg England USA 04:30
6 13 June Polokwane Algeria Slovenia 21:30
22 19 June Johannesburg Slovenia USA 00:00
23 19 June Cape Town England Algeria 04:30
37 24 June Nelson Mandela Bay Slovenia England 00:00
38 24 June Tshwane/Pretoria USA Algeria 00:00

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Question For ONE HD...

When OneHD played nightly replays of the day's NBA games (screened live during the day when most people are at work) during the regular season, they mostly aired them in the 7:30-9:30pm timeslot. A lot of these games were just god-awful, featuring terrible teams such as Minnesota and Golden State, sometimes playing each other (god-forbid...), other times playing really good teams like Cleveland and the Lakers in pointless, lop-sided affairs. So now, with the Conference Finals upon us, and just four teams remaining, with the ungodly 11:25pm timeslot, I have to ask: OneHD...are you Channel Seven in disguise? Well, are you? Seriously...11:25? What next??? I mean it starts with disrespectful replay times and then....

Helllloooo and welcome to Seven's coverage of the NBA Finals! Isn't this teerrriiifffic?! What do you think Jo?!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Selection Tips For The NSW Selectors

* Generally speaking, it's best to play the in-form centre of the competition in the centres. Especially when he has shown no aptitude whatsoever at five-eighth for his club.

* As a general rule, don't play a guy out of position at five-eighth.

* Also as a general rule, it's totally unnecessary to play 4 centres. Seriously, don't play 4 centres. Ever.

* It's also usually best to play your best fullback at fullback rather than on the wing.

* It's considered extremely wise to have some cover at hooker. This allows the starting hooker to have a breather and also comes in handy in case your starting hooker gets injured.

* When choosing the utility player, make sure he can play a variety of positions (particularly hooker), rather than just at centre.

* Keep It Simple Stoopids...Play two guys who can play hooker. Play two (2) centres only.

* It's a myth that you absolutely must select an "Origin bolter" every year.

* Don't feel obliged to play a guy at fullback just because he's the captain. Pick your best fullback. Pick a new captain.

* Pick a real five-eighth.

* 2 hookers good...4 centres bad.

* Look up the definition for "utility player" in the NRL dictionary before selection.

* Take full responsibility for the lack of cohesion in the halves if you pick a centre at five-eighth.

* Take full responsibility for the disaster that will unfold if the only hooker gets injured early and can't return.

* Pick your best fullback, pick a new captain, pick a genuine five eighth, pick a real utility player, pick 2 guys who can play dummy half, and pick no more than 2 centres under any circumstances.

Monday, May 10, 2010

How Fucking Long Can This Shit Go On?

Fuck you Chris Ward. How can you miss a blatant fucking knock-on when you've just watched the fucking replay 15 times? It beggars fucking belief. Fuck you again Ashley Klein. You're right in line with a blatant forward pass, 5-10 metres away, and you fucking missed it. Thanks for ruining another game assholes. And this shit just goes on and fucking on. And no-one does anything about it. The answer seems to be "well, we'll give them another go, maybe they won't be as fucking useless next game". Well guess what fuckheads? They're still fucking useless...and getting worse. What a disgrace.

Seriously, he watched the replay 15 times......?????..........................

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group B


With Tevez (Manchester City) and Messi (Barcelona) up front, any decent balls forward to these guys in space, and this Group is over. Somehow Argentina struggled at times in their qualification campaign, relying on late goals in their last couple of games to guarantee their place...their struggles can surely be contributed somewhat to their drug-addled manager:

Maradona arrives for Argentina's Biggest Loser

Maradona, as great a player as he was, I'm just not sure he has the same nous as a manager. I'm pretty sure the Argies qualified simply because of their natural footballing talent rather than anything this coke-snorting coke-snorter had going on upstairs. Anyhow, they are there...and Messi and Tevez have been on fire this season. Throw in players of the calibre of Heinze, Samuel, Milito, Higuain, Veron, Di Maria, and Liverpool pair Rodriguez and Mascherano should be nice and fresh with the Reds having done sweet FA this season. This a side capable of going deep into the tournament and should account for this group comfortably.


Not content with being the Eagles, Nigeria are known as the Super Eagles. The Super-Dooper Eagles will be spear-headed by Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi-Wan Mikel and most support will come from Everton trio Yobo, Amichebe and Yakubu. Argentina aside, this group is very open, and the other three teams here are going to be locked in a royal shitfight. Nigeria will show more flair than the Greeks, but will they be able to open up a stodgy Greek defense? Will their own defense be able to cope with the fluent efficiency of the South Koreans? All questions that, like a lot of the African teams before them in World Cups, we won't know the answers to until they play. They're as good a chance at 2nd place in the group as the other two I suppose. Now, I've got to get back to my e-mails...apparently I've won $1.5 million and a spot on the bench for Nigeria at the World Cup!


With Poland missing from this edition of the World Cup Finals, Korea Republic will be contenders for the Curse of the Commentators Award. We all know about Park Ji-Sung of Manchester United fame. The rest of them all pretty much look the same and there are something like 10 Lee's, 8 Kim's, and an even spread of Hyung's, Woo's and Wong's.

A WHAB South Africa 2010 collector's pack for anyone who knows who this guy is! Hint: It's not Park Ji-Sung...

For a team that is going to their 7th straight World Cup, and were unbeaten in their World Cup qualifying campaign, that ranking seems ridiculous. Particularly where Nigeria are tied for 20th and Greece are 12th. As outsiders of this group in betting, I am getting on. The betting agencies are all over the African teams performing well on their home continent. Not their home country, their home continent. I am calling this as rubbish. South Africa will over-perform no doubt, but I see no reason why the rest of the African teams will over-perform. In Germany, did we think all the European teams would be so much better than at other World Cups? No. Unlike Nigeria, you know what you're going to get from South Korea, and it will likely be producing more goals than Greece. My first bet of the World Cup goes on Korea Republic to qualify.


Seriously, I have no idea how Greece are ranked 12th in the world. Surely the FIFA rankings don't go back as far as Euro 2004...Then again, these are the same rankings that have Israel at 24. Israel...24...Think about that. Anyway, they have Liverpool's most exciting player of this season in Krgyiakos...and he's a central defender...But enough Liverpool bashing, Greece, if nothing else, will play well as a team. It won't be overly exciting, but it may be enough to get them through to the knockout stages. One thing's for sure, there'll be many fans getting behind the Greeks in Australia, such as this guy:

Align CenterKnockout stage...bewdiful!

PREDICTION: Argentina to top the group and Korea Republic to sneak through.

Group B

Match Date Venue Team 1 Team 2 Kick-off (AEST)
3 13 June Johannesburg Argentina Nigeria 00:00
4 12 June Nelson Mandela Bay Korea Republic Greece 21:30
19 18 June Mangaung/Bloemfontein Greece Nigeria 00:00
20 17 June Johannesburg Argentina Korea Republic 21:30
35 23 June Durban Nigeria Korea Republic 04:30
36 23 June Polokwane Greece Argentina 04:30