Thursday, December 29, 2011

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Why India Don't Want DRS

The reason the Indians don't want the DRS is pretty obvious after Day 1 of the First Test; they appeal wildly for everything that goes past the bat and pressure the umpires into bad decisions that are unable to be reviewed. In other words, they are dirty fucking cheats. That is the only conclusion one can come to after the fucking disgrace that was Day 1 of the Boxing Day Test. The Huss...robbed. Debutante Cowan...robbed. Indians...dirty fucking cheats. As Tony Greig said, "I can see why they don't want the DRS". That's because they are cheating bastards. Why else would you be the only fucking country in the world to not embrace technology that assists in getting the right results? Because you are dodgy, cheating fuckers, that's why.

Would you trust this dodgy looking fucker further than you could throw him?!? Nice hairdo you cheating fucking cockbag...

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Did That Really Happen?/Bring Back The Kat!

I don't think there's anyone out there that thought the Ram Rooters could conceivably win the Hobart Test after being rolled for 150 in their first innings. In hindsight, the pitch was green and menacing, and the weather overcast, so perhaps it wasn't the worst score considering. During the Aussie first innings, despite telling everybody that I've moved on, I once again found myself missing the Kat. Seriously, fuck Phil Hughes right off. In fact, I'll throw down the gauntlet here and challenge Hughes to an over of my right arm slow bowling. "Right arm slow" I here you ask? That's right. Because I have a plan. He won't last the over. Not even on Gabba Grass. A couple of balls delivered on a length, a foot outside off and I'll let my nine (9) slips take care of the rest. Because the guy can't fucking help himself. He is not equipped to be a Test opener.

A real Test opener. Notice the poise, control, and the ball not headed in the direction of the slip cordon...

Now for Khawaja. I think the guy has great potential. I recall a time when I also had great potential, but alas it went unfulfilled. So it's time for Usman to either get the fuck on with scoring big or spend the rest of his days on the blogosphere like the rest of us who once showed potential. Also, he needs to work on his short leg-manship because at the moment he is a poor man's Simon Katich in that position.

The Kat on his toes and ready to pounce...

Time's up for Ponting. He was a well-documented fucking god-awful captain but his batting was world class back in the day. I used to curse his name when I caught sight of him striding out but secretly felt kind of safe about him coming in at 3. Now he's set about disgracing himself and I just can't have it, not just because it's completely fucking selfish to hang on when you're clearly past it, but when there's batsmen galore in form on the domestic scene, well go fuck yourself Punter. I hate it when has-beens feel the need to "go out on their own terms". It would be better if they went out on my terms. With a sharp, swift one to the testicles and complimentary abusive blog rant.

There are only two points I want to make about our Captain. One is that it is his fault that we have to keep playing Test matches without our best performed batsmen for the last 3 years after The Choke. The second is this video, in particular at the 1:10 mark:

The guy is just so inconsistent, sure he scores the odd century, but he also does stupid non-captain-esque shit like leaving straight balls on off stump...

The Kat safely sees off this menacing straight ball on off stump...

The biggest problem with the current Aussie team is batting. It has been since before the Ashes debacle, it came to the fore during the Ashes debacle, and it continues to be a glaring issue. There's so much fucking wafting going on, from Phil Hughes mostly, but also guys who should know better. I guess this is why I just can't let go of the Kat. While batting has been a weakness all this time, a bunch of fuckwits who are now ex-selectors decided to sack our most reliable and well-performed batsmen. Who, in the period since his Test recall, was the second highest scoring batsmen in the whole motherfucking world. Not to mention the fact that they broke up the strong opening partnership the Kat shared with Watson. For Phil fucking Hughes?!? And now because of a mad moment of choking (and seriously, who reading this hasn't choked someone in a moment of perfectly understandable rage?), and the fact the chokee is now our Captain, he'll never be back. Did I mention that he had also captained his state and could roll the arm over too?!?

The under-utilised left-arm chinamen talents of the Kat.

The whole situation is just so fucking unjust, that if it wasn't for potential superstars like Pattinson, Cummins and Warner I just wouldn't watch anymore. First it was Stuart Clark, who despite being the best bowler in the country, was continuously boned by the selectors and Ponting. Now it's the Kat. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, except to say fuck all involved and sundry, and fuck them all to hell.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

No More Pies

It's been a huge year for me, marked by two monumental events: the birth of my future grand-slam winning son, and the injury to Mitchell Johnson. It was an amazingly satisfying feeling watching the First Test against the hopeless Sheep Shaggers without having to endure pie after pie being thrown down at one end. In the past, I would tape a whole day's play on the IQ box just so I could flick through Johnson's 20 or so overs of garbage. The only downer about the absence of Yonson was that we were deprived of an extra day's cricket without him there to make game of it. I can live with that...

Anyway, that's the end of him. I'm calling it. With the discovery by selectors that when you give youngsters a go it creates competition for places (who'd have fucking thought?!?), there's no fucking way that clown is making it back in the side. I feel sorry for his WA teammates though...can you imagine just how fucking terrible he'll be after months on the sideline? He can't even bowl straight when he's allegedly fit and 'in form'.

So farewell Mitch. Thanks for the memories. The Ashes no-shows. Having to listen to Tony Greig, of all people, waffle on about your karate-ing missus. Your inability to bowl decently anywhere but the WACA. The way you just released the pressure valve at one end when you came on. But maybe mummy still loves you. Or maybe she thinks you're as mentally piss-weak as the rest of us do. Anyway, adios to you, King Of All Pie-Chuckers...

No more pies for me angled at second slip thanks pal...

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

First Test Match Report

I should have known the 2nd innings collapse was coming; these days the Aussie cricket team seems to follow every promising session with one as equally unpromising. Really, this Test was lost in between the ears. We had it in the fucking bag. Even with our top order crumbling, the golden boy Phil Hughes gone cheaply yet again, the no-longer-captain-just-non-contributing Ponting gone, we still had it in the fucking bag as we had a nice lead. It only started to get shaky when the normally reliable Hussey, first ball, went chasing a widish delivery. I don't think I've ever seen the Huss lose his head like that before when facing his first ball, particularly in a dramatic situation. His off stump maybe, his composure surely not. Is this a sign? Is this Alzheimer's creeping up on him? Forgetting to grundle is surely how it begins. Anyway, with Huss gone things were starting to look uncomfortable. Enter Brad Haddin. At 5/15, he charged down the pitch and flailed at a short one. That's right. 5/15 in a Test match. Down the pitch. Flailing. What in the fucking hell would possess him to do that? You wouldn't even play a shot like that at 5/15 in a fucking T20 chasing 30 to win. Some batsmen would never play a shot like that in T20 period. I am calling it: THE WORST AND MOST UNNECESSARY AND FUCKED UP SHOT EVER!

Haddin was fined $10,000 for turning up to the Newlands TEST in his T20 kit...

So now we were in trouble. The unassailable lead we were supposed to be building was becoming more assailable by the second. Then just to piss me off completely, useless as fuck Johnson spoons one straight into the chest of gully. Typical Mitch response to pressure. Then Harris comes into bat next. Regardless of the way he strides to the pitch meaning business, as a batsmen, the Rhino makes a fucking good bowler. He should never come in ahead of Siddle who can actually bat for extended periods. All these little things matter Even just another 50 or so runs and the South Africans have to go about the chase a little more carefully. As it was, they had the momentum and wiped off plenty of the 236 by close of play with reckless abandon. Day 3 was a mere formality.

As it all unfolded, all I could think of was the Kat, or the lack thereof. When we most needed grundle, ticker and a 500 ball half century, there was none of the above. Just Hughes looking unconvincing again. Ponting fart-arsing around at 3. Hussey showing early signs of Alzheimer's. Haddin being a complete fucking idiot. Johnson being his usual deadshit self.

Waiting...waiting......NO RUN!

Even Shane Watson, no doubt shitted off with his average opening partnership nosediving from 54.39 with the Kat to a piss-poor 31.46 with Hughes, admitted that he missed the Kat. We all miss the Kat...

Where is the Kat?!?


Friday, November 11, 2011

Johnson Watch

It was refreshing to see Clarke hook Johnson out of the 1st innings opening attack after a mere two overs yesterday. Ponting would have let him roll through at least 10 overs of pies during his reign, so it was great to see a captain not afraid to hook an under-performing and horribly inconsistent bowler. And it was fair enough; the Rhino had only gone for 3 runs and Johnson, once again, was easing the pressure at one end allowing 14 off his two. While Watson and the Rhino proceeded to tear the Jaapies a new one and Siddle chipped in with a run out, Johnson wasted space. Brought back on when SA were 9-for, to try and claim a meaningless, yet confidence-boosting scalp, he couldn't get it done and the Rhino didn't need a second invitation. 0/28 off 5 in a total of 96. Fan-fucking-tastic. Then, during the Aussies batting collapse, he played a fucking stupid shot exactly when it wasn't needed, picking out gully perfectly.

A match report is forthcoming; it will be all wrapped up early on day 3. There will be questions asked. People will be held accountable. There will be words of curse. It's the WHAB way.

WHAB's Match Report: Parental advisory...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Pies and Eggs

As the haze of the footy finals and the Spring Carnival clears (the Professor and I don't want to talk about Dunaden's easy, walk in the park Melbourne Cup victory where we both won a shitload of cash, not too much anyway), our attentions inevitably turn to KFC and Mitchell Johnson bowling pies. Both greasy chicken and Johnson's signature dish are in abundance during the summer of cricket, and over the next few days we get an early plateful of Johnson as the Aussies take on South Africa. WHAB will, as ever, be keeping an eagle eye on Johnson and reporting on his progress throughout the match. Another guy under scrutiny will be Phil Hughes. A repeat of his heroics back on the '09 SA tour is in order here because despite riding on the back of a century to end the tour of Sri Lanka, there are still lingering doubts for most of us. I don't think there's too many people out there just yet who think that sacking the Kat was the right move. Including the Kat! Anyway as Katich prepares for his court date with the thin-skinned faggots at Cricket Australia, the selectors prepare for a possible Hughes failure in this series and to be left with egg all over their faces...not for the first time.

Monday, October 31, 2011


The first Tuesday in November. Fuck yeah. After putting in for the day off the day after last year's Cup, I've got myself an array of snacks and a fridge full of beer.
One of the essential Cup day snacks on standby for the Captain...

I haven't worked on Cup day for over 10 years, and even then, I was actually working at the races! Anyway, this year's Cup is like trying to find an Aussie in an Olympic marathon...there's one or two there somewhere! That's what happens when you reward every horse that wins a shitty 4 horse Listed race in the UK. Anyhow, without further ado, here's your Cup field for the 2011 edition...

1. AMERICAIN Mosse/de Royer Dupre 58 (15)

Captain: Reigning champ and going every bit as well as last year after his pointlessly easy win in the Moonee Valley Cup. After thinking to myself that he would have won last year's Cup with 58 on his back, I backed him early in the piece at $17...that's looking like pretty good value now...ooh la fucking obvious must for multiples.

Professor: Obvious top pick, though at the $4 I will be looking elsewhere. Househunting/moving etc means that I don't have any early money down this year so my picjs will all be about race day value.

2. JUKEBOX JURY Callan/Johnstone 57 (6)

Captain: Somewhat of an unknown quantity with no lead up runs in Oz. His form overseas reads well but I'm still loathe to back one of these European horses without seeing them in action. That's my only knock; I want to see him winning a Geelong Cup or a Moonee Valley Cup before investing...

Professor: No local runs, and no foreign horse has ever won with that profile. I'll pass. Beyond that, it's win (though super-impressive) in the Kergolay gave an indication that this could be one of the classic European flops - doesn't look fond of traffic.

3. DUNADEN Lemaire/Delzangles 54.5 (13)

Captain: The smartest thing I've done all Spring is backing this Frenchy at $22 two minutes before the Geelong Cup. Ooh la fucking la! He did pretty much there what Americain did last year and comes into the Cup with the same weight as the 'Cain did last year...the only question is, can he beat the 'Cain? He has before and with the 3.5kg drop on him, could well be doing it again...Lemaire jumps on board after the suspension of Williams...the guy's won Group races all over the world so no need to panic people.

Professor: Same story as Americain, I did not get on before the Geelong cup and here I am looking at the $8. I still might just take that as the form v Americain, plus the disdain that it won the Geelong up makes this the top hope for me.

4. DRUNKEN SAILOR Dunn/Cumani 54 (8)


That's a no from me.

Professor: There's a second no for me.

5. GLASS HARMONIUM Cropp/Moroney 54 (23)

Captain: At 2000m and WFA this guy is the business. And Mackinnon winners invariably run well when backing up in the Cup. But when renowned trainer of stayers Michael Moroney questions his credentials at the two miles, that's enough for me. Gate 23 is no help to a frontrunner either. Prepared to pass.

Professor: Moroney is a shift, shifty man. If he says that it won't run the trip, there's a good chance that it will.
Nothing that the Harmonium has done to date makes me think that it won't run the trip and with Mackinnon form = good form, I am in.

6. MANIGHAR Oliver/Cumani 54 (21)

Captain: Wasn't convinced that he could see the trip right out last year. Equally as unconvinced this year. Can't have him.

Professor: Not for me.

7. UNUSUAL SUSPECT /Kent 54 (7)

Captain: The only thing I want to say about this fella is that he ran the fastest 1000m, 600m, 400m and 200m sectionals in the Caulfield Cup. Despite being blocked for a run between the 400m and 200m. That's a good pointer that he'll run out the trip, even though he's never run beyond 2400m. One to phatten up your multiples.

Professor: Advanced age and never tried at this distance a concern. In saying that, I loved how it closed in the Caulfield Cup. It's the one that I am sweating on a good price - 40+ and I will jump right in.

8. FOX HUNT De Sousa/Johnstone 53.5 (19)

Captain: Think he prefers 2400m and as such, cannot have him without seeing him have a trundle in the Caulfield Cup first.

Professor: Pass.

9. LUCAS CRANACH Brown/Freedman 53.5 (11)

Captain: I remember his Dad coming to this country, all the hype, chest puffing and short-priced favouritism...and....massive flop-a-roo. So hopefully this one has a bit more ticker than his Pop. Ran pretty well in the Caulfield Cup despite some concerns over his soundness so you'd expect him to improve on that. A chance.

Professor: Along with Dunaden, i'll be shopping around for a price on this, as it's run despite being a little unsound in the Caulfield Cup was the kind that you'd want to be on. In saying that, it's run was worse than the 'suspect,' and you'd be preferring to launch into the 40s, right???

10. MOURAYAN Bowman/Hickmott 53.5 (14)

Captain: Ran a cracking 2nd to Glass Harmonium in the Mackinnon. And unlike Glass Harmonium, there are no concerns about him seeing out the trip. I never thought I'd see Mourayan looking that sharp over 2000m...Include in exotics.

Professor: Include in more than the exotics. This is professors big bet. Extremely well weighted, definitely stays, coming off a career best run. Won't likely run into the back of a rapidly fading Saptapadi as it will go forward. What's not to like here? Anyone??

11. PRECEDENCE Beadman/Cummings 53.5 (2)

Captain: We all know Bart is smarmy, and we all know that Precedence is probably travelling much better than Bart would have us think...put in a similar performance to that of Viewed in the 2008 Mackinnon, i.e shithouse. Viewed won the Cup 3 days later. Think about throwing him into multiples...

Professor: I kicked myself when I was at the cup with the Captain in 2008 and Viewed won. Which means that it would be easy to 'chase' this one. However, the differences between the out of form 3,200 metre specialist Viewed and the out of form Precedence are too big to make it a good idea.

12. RED CADEAUX Rodd/Dunlop 53.3 (16)

Captain: I'll be brutally honest: I just don't like it. Need to see, it's form looks pretty decent but I'm not smashing this in the Cup when I haven't seen it go around. Fucking Internationals with no lead up runs. Does my fucking head in.

Professor: I think the Irish St Leger run gives you a good indication about what this one is all about. Meets Jukebox 3.5 kilos better after a luckless 1L third. At the 50s, I could be somewhat interested.

13. HAWK ISLAND Schofield/Waller 53 (18)

Captain: The Hawk is a massive chance to win an Adelaide Cup. This is the Melbourne Cup. This is serious...

The time honoured Adelaide Cup...

Professor: p.a.s.s

14. ILLO Cassidy/Cummings 53 (1)

Captain: Bart is one smarmy bastard. I know that he would have liked more time to work with this guy to prep him for the Cup, as such, I will leave him out, but I would not be shocked if smarmy ol' Bart booted him home.

Professor: Hard to leave out. Good European form, a settler of a run in the MV cup...

15. LOST IN THE MOMENT Buick/Bin Suroor 53 (3)

Captain: Are there any Aussies in this fucking race?!? Every time I have to look up the form it's for European races and most of it seems pretty shithouse! His form is okay but to think he could win the Cup when he doesn't like to win out of turn is a bit fucking rich!

Professor: Stays the trip, which is a positive. I really won't be having this one.

16. MODUN McEvoy/Bin Suroor 53 (5)

Captain: Not seasoned enough to win a Melbourne Cup at this stage. It's had 8 career starts...most horses going into the Cup have more miles under their legs this campaign than he has in his career.

Professor: Nope.

17. AT FIRST SIGHT King/Hickmott 52.5 (10)

Captain: Looks really tested at the trip. In fact, I think he's more a miler/mile and a quarter type. Also a possible soundness issue so just can't get excited about him at two miles. One for the romantics out there...

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Professor: Has had a really good prep. I really like both of Lloyd's horses this time in.

18. MOYENNE CORNICH Prebble/Ellison 52 (17)

Captain: I have respect for this guy, probably because I've actually seen him run. The audacity of some of these Internationals, just rocking up thinking they'll nab a Melbourne Cup! Anyway, I still don't have him to win this but his run here was pretty good and you can expect improvement.

Professor: Good European form and a solid `settler.' Well weighted for an Ebor winner, good value at the $26. If you're shopping at $26, this is probably the one you'd want to be on.

19. SAPTAPADI Symons/Ellison 52 (22)

Captain: This thing's form looks shite but I'm not convinced that it actually is a shitter at the two miles. I think he might be competitive but will not be winning...

Professor: For me, this is the first one that will be going backwards, and ruining somethings chances. SaptaSandmason.

20. SHAMROCKER Nolen/O'Brien 52 (24)

Captain: One of the early Cup favourites but she just hasn't come back in good order. Her form is awful and she jumps from the carpark.

Professor: Set for this, and if O'Brien has anything positive to say around 2:45 I'll give it a chance. I love the rocker.

21. THE VERMINATOR Newitt/Waller 52 (4)

Captain: Before Saturday's Mackinnon, I thought he was a sneaky chance at big odds in the Cup with good form around and in front of the Caulfield Cup placegetters. But his run on Saturday was uninspiring to say the least; he hadn't had a run for a while so maybe you could put it down to that, but if so, you'd be admitting that he's massively underdone for the Cup. A cheeky effort wouldn't surprise but on his Mackinnon run, he's no chance.

Professor: I'd have given this all the chance in the world if it produced anything on Saturday. Can't have.

22. TULLAMORE Munce/Waterhouse 52 (12)

Captain: Although he meets Americain 5 kgs better than in the Moonee Valley Cup, the 'Cain really destroyed him there. Just gobbled him up effortlessly and was cantering at the finish. And we know that the 'Cain prefers this trip. So you'd think that he can't win the race but has shown enough to convince that he'll be competitive.

Professor: Unders to me, as I doubt the 3200 really suits - and even at shorter distances it looks outclassed by the top ones here.

23. NIWOT Yendall/M & W Hawkes 51 (9)

Captain: Punters have gone bonkers after this guy won the Lexus, backing him in from $101 to $11...maybe at some point they'll realise that a). Green Moon went amiss, b). the only other serious opposition, Tullamore and Moyenne Corniche were scratched, and c). Macedonian and Anudjawun are not in Melbourne Cup 2011. He will be competitive as this is his trip and he's down in the weights, but is way under the odds after winning a lacklustre Lexus.

Professor: Is well under the odds now, Lexus form is good form, but it's now into Maluckyday odds, and it is no Maluckyday.

24. OLDER THAN TIME Clark/Waterhouse 51 (20)

Captain: I heard Gai talking up this horse and either she has punched in the numbers to her weather forecasting algorithm and it reads Track: Heavy 10, or she has pumped him full of 'roids. Or both. He was second in the Sydney Cup, but: a). The Sydney Cup is usually full of B-Graders and this year's was no exception, b). The 2011 Sydney Cup was run on a bog, c). The horse that won that race is an absolute bog track merchant and has done nothing else of note for it's entire career. It's astounding to me that a horse who ran a poofteenth of a length 2nd in a Melbourne Cup and with encouraging form, i.e Bauer, misses a start for this hack. It's a fucking outrage. Gai's enthusiasm can sometimes leave you seeing $ signs but don't be falling for it with this plodder.

Professor: I have nothing to add here. All yours if you want it. I'll bet the captain a six pack of his choosing that it beats SaptaSandmason home if he's keen though.


1. Americain
2. Dunaden
3. Mourayan
4. Unusual Suspect

Throwing in one or both of Bart's horses is probably a good idea because as previously mentioned, he's a smarmy ol' bastard.

Looking every bit of his 112 years...

Professor's value corner:

It's pointless tipping my top four, as I won't come up with anything too different. However, if you're looking at value, a few that are well over the odds for me:

1. Dunaden (I think even $8 is big overs)
2. Unusual Suspect (out to $34 and blowing!)
3. Mourayan (A $10 chance for me)
4. Moyenne Corniche (Ticks enough boxes to make $34 silly)
5. At First Sight (See Mourayan)

Enjoy the great race!


Will be up tomorrow!!!!!!!! In the meantime, here's something to get you punters fired up:

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Great Player....Shit Coach.

Lions "coach" Michael Voss has declared that the Cats premiership window is over despite the facts that they got better with every game they played in 2011, they have some very good young players, and that pretty much no-one else in Australia agrees with him. The once great player and Brownlow medallist turned "coach" said that the Cats were no chance because of the retirements/pending retirements of a few club stalwarts. "I just look at the progress we've made here at the Lions over the last couple of years, all the young guys we've given a go, and I can't see the Cats beating us next season quite frankly" he said. "And that's not just sour grapes because Chris Scott became a Premiership coach before me, or because his team won as many games this year as my team won in the last two and a half years" he added hastily. A still-celebrating and drunken Scott responded to Voss' comments for WHAB: "Ahhh yeah, Vossy was such a good player, a much better player than me, but as a coach, gee he makes a great ex-player! We caught up for a coffee before the Gold Coast game and he told me that he was going to start Merritt in the forward line! I said "what the fuck for mate?!?". Then he told me he was going to let Rischitelli and Brennan play completely unmarked, that they were too shit to play for the Lions so he wouldn't bother hard-tagging them with the most annoying fucker he could find! I didn't even know what to say when he told me that, I just yelled "Gee this is great coffee!". I had a good old chuckle watching that game unfold!".

Voss' comments have also irked fans wanting him to focus on his own backyard: "Seriously, why is he gobbing off about the Cats when we've won just 7 of our last 40 games? Why is he even still our fucking coach? How the fuck can a team lose so many fucking games and then turn around and offer the coach a fucking two year fucking extension? It's like offering the Loaf another 1.2 million for the next two Grand Finals!" said seriously fucked off Lions fan Captain Carnage.

The Loaf to return for 2012/2013?!?

Thursday, September 29, 2011


I would just like to begin this preview by sending out a great big fuck you to Des Hasler. No reason given. Just fuck you Des.

Fuck you pal.

Well the footballing gods have had their revenge on us all by delivering us an absolute bumfuck of a NRL Grand Final match-up. Millions of bbqs scheduled for Sunday afternoon have been cancelled by apathetic fans, disgruntled at having to pick between a team of douchebags and a team of Kiwis. I'm even slightly more interested in the AFL GF this year despite being a leaguey at heart. And that's Collingwood vs Geelong. That's saying something. I could have been way more excited about the Warriors tilt had I not taken the money and run on that one...ah well, hindsight is fucking great sometimes.

I've decided to go for the Warriors. They made me a bit of cash and other than most of their team being Kiwi's, I don't really take exception to any of their players. Manly, on the other hand, have the Stewarts. Brett is a rapist. Glenn and his legal team spin doctored their way into less weeks than Adam Blair got, conveniently leaving him free to play in the GF. George Rose, despite giving Gus Gould an orgasm every time he steps onto the field, is nothing more than a fucking pie cart. Brent Kite...don't even get me started on that fucking pussy. Steve Matai is the modern day Ray Price. "Your man Matai's got another burner on his shoulder Rabbits!". 10 mins later: "Matai's over! He's off his deathbed and he's scored the match winner!". Turn it up Matai. You're not really injured. You're just clapping it on to emerge out the other side in glory. Plus, you're a dirty cheap shot merchant. On top of all this, Brett Stewart raped a hapless teenager. I may have mentioned that already. Seriously, fuck you Des Hasler:

"Todd Carney blew 0.05, that's as bad as raping a girl..."

So c'mon Warriors! That felt really wrong right there, but the hatred of Manly is overwhelming, and money talks. The Warriors are excellent value at around $2.70. Take that and Shaun Johnson for first tryscorer at around $16 and you might turn Sunday into a better night than you thought possible. And as you celebrate after backing Kevin Locke to collect the Clive Churchill medal, also at $16, you'll have the added bonus of watching Manly cry. Talk about making the best of a bad situation!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Art Of Betfair Trading

Step 1: Back the Tigers just before they embark on a 9 game winning streak at a phat $26 to win the comp.

Step 2: Lay the Tigers off at $5.50 when they are barely clinging to a 20-18 lead with less than 10 minutes to go in their elimination final against the Warriors, making a tidy profit.

Step 3: Back the Warriors, who are looking the better side and have great field position at a phat $28 to win the comp.

Step 4: While counting your winnings from your Tigers bet, also enjoy watching the Warriors roll in to $8 to win the comp after Krisnan Inu scores a bullshit try.

Step 5: Hopefully more of the same next week as the Warriors take on the Storm!

Thank you and goodnight.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Pros And Cons Of The McIntyre System

Let's begin with the pros:

So moving on to the cons now:

* If Teams 1 & 2 win, then week 1 of the finals was not only a complete waste of time, but it also becomes unfair in week 2. Brisbane smash Team 6 and are rewarded by now playing the 5th seeded Dragons.

*If Team 1 or 2 loses in week 1, they lose home ground advantage and have to play away to a team ranked lower in week 2. This should not happen in any sort of finals system. Ever.

*Teams 5 through to 8 should never get a second chance in a finals series. Ever. Particularly when they where as shockingly inept as the Warriors were last week.

* Ken McIntyre, who among other things dabbled in mathematics, invented this system in 1931. It's fair to say that it's not only unneccessarily convoluted, but it's hopelessly outdated.

Here is what the NRL officially have to say about the McIntyre:

"There is on-going debate each year about finals systems.

The McIntyre system in rugby league has produced some of the most exciting finals series in the game’s history.

The principle of the McIntyre system is that the top team should be rewarded by playing the bottom teams in the ‘eight’. Similarly the team that finishes eighth should have to jump a high hurdle to even reach week two.

The McIntyre system allows for the greatest possible set of options about who will reach the Telstra Premiership Grand Final and it has produced some of the most exciting finals series we have seen.

It also provides the most likely chance of the top two teams from the year meeting in the Telstra Premiership Grand Final.

At the same time it means that there is pressure on every team to win at every turn in the finals as they fight to retain or secure a home ‘city’ or ‘region’ advantage.

In a competition where the demands of mid-season representative matches can affect a club’s minor premiership standing the McIntyre system provides an opportunity for those teams that are good enough to fight their way from the bottom while also rewarding the top two teams through the ‘seeding’ system (1v8, 2v7, 3v6, 4v5).

One of the most contentious aspects of the system to many people is the fact that teams from the top four can lose their home ground advantage if they lose in week one.

The rationale for this is that the system rewards the teams that win. A team that finishes eighth and which defeats the minor premier should have the incentive of a home game in the next week.

Without this the challenges of coming eighth become almost too great.

At the same time the team that finishes first or second will always be under pressure to win."

Firstly, what good is it to Manly to secure a home 'region' when they are nowhere near said region? It serves these clowns right that 10,000 less people turned up than if it were played at Brookvale.

Also, how exactly does the McIntyre give you the best chance of teams 1 and 2 playing in the GF? If team 1, team 2 or both lose in week 1, I'd suggest it becomes an absolute lottery who makes it to the final 2. I'd also suggest that these dicks check out how regularly 1 and 2 meet in AFL Grand Finals.

"A team that finishes eighth and which defeats the minor premier should have the incentive of a home game in the next week. Without this the challenges of coming eighth become almost too great"....well maybe 8th should have thought about how difficult it would be when they were playing rubbish at various stages through the year. It should be fucking difficult, not based on one performance.

For fuck's sake Gallop and co, get your fucking house in order and go with the simple, effective and fairer system that the AFL uses. I have not heard one single fan say "wow, this McIntyre system is just fantastic!" ever so you guys are fucking deluding yourselves by printing the italic-ed horseshit above. Fuck right off.

Monday, September 5, 2011


Tigers v Dragons

Most people whose team will not be featuring in the 2011 NRL Finals will no doubt be jumping on the Tigers bandwagon. They play exciting footy and Marshall is just superb to watch, whether on the field or punching haters in the Macca's carpark. Riding into 4th on the back of an 8 game winning streak, it's worth noting that they were paying a phat $26 after their rubbish Round 18 loss to the lowly Eels. And I mean phat, not fat like the lip of the clown who tried to sue Benji for giving him a fat lip, but phat. And my wallet will be nice and phat should the Tigers go all the way. Seriously, you go to Macca's, run your mouth off, wake up the next morning with a fat lip and take that shit to court? How about stop wasting everybody's time and man the fuck up. Benji is busy trying to win me a truckload of cash and gets pulled from training to defend charges of assault occasioning grievous fat lip?...Fuck off you soft-cock clown-man.

This could definitely go either way with the Dragons winning their last couple of regular season matches and regaining some momentum. But after falling agonisingly short against the Red V in last year's preliminary final, the Tigers will take a lot of belief into this after knocking them off in Round 22. It will likely be fairly close with the Dragons amping up their defense for the finals and going some way to tone down the Tigers. Backing the Tigers home though and hoping for losses from the Storm, Broncos and Eagles! Well two of those are feasible anyway...

Broncos v Warriors

The Warriors are always up for a stoush with Melbourne or Brisbane and no doubt Suncorp will be packed full of a ghastly concoction of heavy South Island accents, unintelligible Ipswichian shrieks and bad hair on Saturday night...

The product of Trans-Ipswich-Tasman mating: the Brogan...

Steer clear of the greater Milton area that night people...A shame for suspended tough-man Thaiday that he won't get to pick on the likes of Hohaia, Moloney and Johnson here, he no doubt would have been primed for those guys. I think the Broncos are a huge chance to win the comp but this is the match-up they didn't want. The Warriors should really test Brisbane up front and have dangerous runners in Locke, Johnson, and of course the Beast is back for this, but all I remember of the Warriors in last year's finals was them getting destroyed by the Titans. That, and a couple of other finals failures makes me a bit wary of tipping I'll predict the Broncos will do it for Lockyer in another close one but will be hoping the Warriors can help take me a step closer to that phat payout...

Sea Eagles v Cowboys

I would just like to begin this piece with a great big fuck you to Des Hasler. No reason given. Just fuck you Des. With suspensions and without Brookvale Oval, it wouldn't shock to see the Eagles get rolled here. Thurston has been fairly ordinary since his return and you get the feeling if he gets his shit together the Cowboys are a chance in this. But for once and for all snuffing out my 2011 tipping competition tilt with their loss to the Warriors, Thurston and the Cowboys can go and get fucked. Anyway, should be a huge crowd at the Sydney Football Stadium which is only slightly more convenient for the Eagles. Cowboys are a sneaky chance, but like I said, they can totally get fucked.

How I would of felt if the Cowboys weren't so piss-weak...

Storm v Knights

The Storm were clearly second best against Manly two weeks ago and were made to look like under 8's against the Roosters, but with all hands back on deck, they will run right through the Knights. Newcastle are simply making up the numbers in these finals. They were the lesser of two evils last Friday night but should be commended for knocking out Rusty and his Rabbitohs:

Carn Souffs!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

More Hilarity From The Sheep Shaggers

As if their funny as fuck accents, dalliances with ewes, and inability to deal with under-arm bowling weren't enough, well our Kiwi friends just get more hilarious!

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! No really, it's a great initiative, and I love the clever slogan "Touch...pause...and don't engage"...

Probably a wise move when you're going home to this!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Captain Is Back!

After a newborn-baby-boy enforced layoff over the past couple of weeks, the Captain is back! No signs of boganism yet from my little fella, let's call him Son of Captain, something to be thankful for there. I'm pleased to report that swimming as a career path has been ruled out due to his hatred of being bathed, which is great because swimming is bat-shit boring and there's fuck all money in it. My plan for him is definitely tennis; World No. 1, all four Grand Slams, spearheading the Aussie Davis Cup tilt etc. The little guy is already showing some early ability:

Son of Captain showing a solid technique, even at just two weeks of age...

The added bonus with tennis is the lack of boganity in the sport. It will give him an escape from going to Brisbane Broncos matches with his bogan school friends. I've been ironing out my own technique over the last few months in preparation of becoming a supercoach/tennis dad. Just don't skimp on the fish mofo or I'll smash your fucking camera to pieces asshole...Should be nice, travelling the world, hanging out with former tennis legends, smashing cameras/phones, lying down in protest in the middle of the Flushing Meadows carpark, accusing umpires of cheating, psyching out opponents in the locker room...

I'll be in my element..........

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Professor Returns...Forgets To Hit "Publish Post"...Is This Piece Actually Finished? I'm Not Sure...

Time to offer the Australian selectors a bit of credit, following the release of the Australian test squad to tour Sri Lanka. I begun reading the squad with trepidation, knowing that the 'Kat' wouldn't be there, no beacon of batsmanship in a sea of nonsense was expected from the top-order. And of course, there was no Katich. Too old. Too useful. Values his wicket. Once threatened to throw hands with his lovestruck skipper.

But then... Shaun Marsh! Huzzah. Just the man that could have righted the ship against England all summer. Marsh deserves his chance at this level, as only a mountain of runs or an interesting haircut can convince this selection panel. And his call-up is long overdue. Sure, he may not get a run, with the amazing form of Phil Hughes, and the man who proves that nothing can prolong your career like a good multi-vitamin - Ricky Ponting - standing between him and a test match, but at least we know he is finally knocking on the door.

And the bowling looks likely. The choice of Copeland is again, late. Weight of wickets eventually has triumphed. Roebuck, between being a complete dick, threw out a Sarfraz comparison for Copeland today and one hopes that the comparison is for bowling, rather than the pants prowess that surely made Sarfraz's card read: 'never to play test cricket ever ever again no matter how well he bowls.'

There are of course issues. The aforementioned Kat omission rankles the most. And Mitchell Johnson again proves that he can neither bowl his way out of a wet paper bag, or the test team. And two duelling spinners, battling for a test spot. This may remind the selectors of taking both Slater and Hayden on an ashes tour and watching them raise their games, battling for the opportunity to open with Mark Taylor. The difference however, is that neither is very good.

Of course, the most irksome issue is that two young, quality quicks will make the trip to Sri Lanka, return the kind of figures that only the subcontinent can give you and get the non-test-player stamp on them.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Fifty Not Enough?

AFL umpires boss Jeff Gieschen dropped a bombshell yesterday by hinting at the introduction of a 'one hundred metre penalty' for season 2012. Gieschen, who has come under fire for his umpires' repeated shithouse performances, the unbelievable amount of fifty metre penalties awarded over the past few weeks, and general game-ruining, hit back at his team's critics. "It's one hundred percent the players fault. They are obviously just all completely fucking stupid. It seems that they're not getting the message and we may need to look into harsher penalties" he said. "Whether you're five metres over the mark or five millimetres, I really don't give a fuck. And if you're a millisecond too late to a contest, that's a fifty all fucking day. A player should realise in the millisecond before his millisecond of being late that he is going to be a millisecond too late and thus, is going to be a millimetre over the mark, and pull out of the contest" continued Gieschen.

Gieschen examining a bump from the weekend's play...six to eight weeks for that shit son!

He also suggested that fans and umpires alike loved fifty metre penalties. "I know for a fact the boys love to dish them out, but I also sense the excitement of the fans when a fifty is awarded. The crowd just goes wild! A seemingly innocuous passage of chipping on the half-back line becomes a set shot from fifty metres out. A shot from fifty metres out becomes a 'gimme'. What fan wouldn't enjoy watching their team march up the field without actually having to play any footy to do it?!?". Suggesting that a harsher penalty for infringements at the marking contest was needed, Gieschen put forth the idea of a 'hundy'. "Not only could this help with dumb-ass players facing the prospect of an even bigger spray from their coach, we could have full-backs getting shots on goal. We could have guys like Matty Scarlett and Daniel Merrett in Coleman medal contention..." he mused.

Fan reaction to the news was mixed. "As a Collingwood bogan, we know we can bully the umpires into shit decisions so it's going to be great for the 'Pies" said Collingwood bogan cheer-squad leader Joffa.

Already top of the table, the 'Pies and their bogan army will be unstoppable with the introduction of the 'hundy'...

"Fuck the umpires, fuck Gieschen, fuck fiftys, fuck hundys. The game has become a fucking unwatchable joke. I watched a replay of the 2003 Grand Final recently and I could swear that I was watching a different fucking game. It was unrecognisable. That was only eight years ago! Seriously, you can't fucking bump a guy without getting rubbed out and you can't even look at the guy on the mark or you cop a fucking 'hundy'. This is what you get when put a guy in charge who was a shit player and a shit coach, he becomes a shit director of umpiring and gives already shit umpires ways and means to become more shit. Thanks for completely ruining the game fuckheads" said seriously fucked off Brisbane fan Captain Carnage.

The umpires boss is also coming under fire from players with a spate of broken ankles, torn ankle ligaments and torn calf muscles in recent weeks. Many are considering legal action after sustaining their injuries trying to avoid going a millimetre over the mark whilst running at full speed. "Basic physics will tell you that it's impossible to just stop dead when you're running at full speed but that is what we are being asked to do. I tried to stop on a dime, my ankle just snapped like a twig, and then while writhing on the ground in agony, I suffer the added pain of the umpy awarding another fifty" said one player who didn't wish to be named for legal reasons, and also so he could unleash this spray on Gieschen and his "faggot" umpires: "It's season over because of these fuckwits and their bullshit rules. They just fuck the game up a little bit more each year. Those little, mostly balding fuckers in their gimpy little outfits, with pasty poofter chicken legs, with no feel for the game whatsoever, they just make my fucking blood boil. Thanks a fucking lot you bunch of cockbags."

"That's a hundy! You can't call me a gaylord, even if it's true!"

Sunday, July 17, 2011

You Know It's (Definitely!) Not Your Team's Year When...

On the Rabbitohs last set of six in regular time, Roosters hooker Anthony Mitchell is knocked out next to the play the ball. When this happened to Mick Crocker earlier in the game, play was stopped for 10 mins while he was helped off the ground, stunned, but resplendant in a freshly-dressed Armani suit...Is he okay?...We can hold up the game for a bit longer if his measurements aren't quite right...But anyway, with Mitchell in fucking la-la land, this time, it's 'play on'. Whatever. After Souths complete their set, the Roosters work their way downfield to seemingly set up a shot at the match-winning field goal. Anasta is set to the left, 40m out. Just where he hit that one to sink the Tigers in last year's's going to Anasta there on the left, that's the play...then, as a still obviously concussed Mitchell staggers into dummy half and fires the ball to the right, and a valiant 42m left-footed attempt from Jason Ryles lands 10m short and 5m wide, as the big fella throws his hands in the air and asks "why the fuck would you give it to me?!?!?', well, you can almost sense that little fucker Sandow smashing over a golden-point droppy from 52m out in the rain...

There's always next year.....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Origin 2011, Final Thoughts

Congratulations QLD. Congratulations Locky. Congratulations even to fat Inglis, though commiserations to Rusty Crowe because that'll be all for Inglis for the season!

I am always gracious in defeat, and don't generally like to comment straight after matches where my team has lost, as drunk QLDer mates tend to pass it off as sour grapes, without even listening to what I say.

Again, congrats to QLD, what I'm about to say is not meant to undermine the Maroons victory in any way...

But Tony Archer is the worst fucking referee ever in the history of Rugby League. I had no dramas whatsoever with Shayne Hayne's call of the game tonight, but the slicked-back Archer, too busy greasing back his hair and listening to his own whiny voice instead of being competent, well he can go fuck himself, and then do it again. He now has the trifecta; a fucking disgraceful performance in the NRL Grand Final, a fucking disgraceful performance in the Tri-Nations Final, and a fucking disgraceful performance in the Origin Decider. And yet, this fuckwit, who clearly isn't up to it, continues to be awarded with a whistle in the big games. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! If he inexplicably gets given another big game, then I will have no choice but to be at said game and finish what Todd Carney started...

And Sam Thaiday...what a hard man. He smashed Soward. He really smashed Pearce. He picked a fight with Gidley. He even smashed this puny, pasty clown:

Fuck you're a hard man Sammy. You are real tough guy. Maybe even a hero...

Final Analysis: Lockyer = champion. Archer = fuckwit. Thaiday = "hard man". Sticky, brought some passion back to the Blues shirt. Bozo, enough is e-fucking-nough. Everyone has a place in life...yours is with The Continuous Call Team. Qld got the business done and Locky got his fairytale...But the Blues showed me enough, in a series with two away games, to make them specials for next year. That's right, put your house on 'em. At 24-0, and with no possession to speak of, to somehow end up only losing that match by 10 was a solid effort. A couple of consolation tries maybe, but you can't say that QLD had clocked off when they were pounding the Blues line for last 20 minutes. At 24-10, the Blues had plenty of chances but lacked the clinical finish. The Count's trap-with-the-foot-gone-wrong ended up being the difference; it kept Qld just far enough in front that NSW felt they had to play catch-up footy for the rest of the 18-10, they're playing more sensibly in attack than at 24-10. Add home ground advantage to the Blues new-found spirit under adversity, then subtract Lockyer, add a tentative Thurston just getting back to regular football after a potentially serious injury, add/subtract Qld guys getting old, then add that Qld couldn't be more due for a series loss, and the Blues will win next year. You heard it here first.

That's me done for Origin 2011. Looking forward to 2012, where the Blues will reign and the Maroons will be of busted-ass...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Origin III Thoughts

The moment of truth is finally here for NSW, Sticky and Bozo. Only a win tonight will suffice in the eyes of WHAB. Only maroon-shirted hicks with their heads in their hands, as a tear rolls down Locky's cheek, is good enough. Near enough just ain't fucking good enough. I don't want to know about an "honourable loss" followed by Bozo talking up the 2012 tilt. It's go time Blues! Fire 'em up Gallen!

On a sobering note for the Captain is the realisation that I will soon be father to a QLDer, unless I can convince the missus to head south of the border when the moment arrives. "But the Tweed is only an hour away...honey, do you really want our son to grow up a bogan, grow a rat's tail, leave home one day in some sort of Holden vehicle, and move to Ipswich?...And worse, he'll never know the feeling of getting steak pieces caught between his two front teeth...

The poor little fella won't stand a chance..."


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Isner vs Mahut Rematch Causes Riot At Wimbledon

Crazed fans rioted at Wimbledon yesterday when the highly anticipated match between John Isner and Nicholas Mahut ended after only three sets, and a mere 2 hours 3 mins. Seats were ripped out, the net was set on fire, and disgrunted tennis goons hurled any food snacks they no longer required at the players and officials.

Scenes from Court 3 after yesterday's fizzer...

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with the rest of these salted cashews?!?" asked one man, brandishing a barely-nibbled-at 2kg salted cashew bag. Others demanded refunds, crying foul that they had not gotten value for money. "Mahut just didn't put in, looked like he'd rather be elsewhere, and quite frankly, that's just not good enough" said another fan. "Tennis elbow or no, a piss-poor 34 games and a paltry 104 first serves? What a waste of time, money and honey-roasted macadamias" he said. Police had to be called in to break up the unruly mob, and CCTV footage will be viewed to identify the instigators. "Obviously the fans are disappointed that the match was over in the blink of an eye and they haven't managed to finish their snacks, but this sort of behaviour cannot be tolerated at the Championships" said a police spokesperson.

Police move in as the situation intensifies...

Not everybody was unhappy with the result as bookmakers cleaned up on the unexpectedly short match. "We didn't pay out a single winning bet on that one" chuckled Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet. Isner himself was also pleased: "Thank fuck for that! Nic wasn't himself today which helped me get through some 9 hrs quicker. Now that clay courter in the 2nd round is toast!" he declared.

When asked for his final thoughts on the rivalry, Mahut gave this: "I am ranked 94 in the world. John is ranked 47. Didn't these idiots know that Federer was playing at the same time as us? Go watch the six time Wimbledon champion instead you fucking morons!".

Monday, June 20, 2011

Isner vs Mahut: The Rematch

John Isner celebrates his Wimbledon 2010 1st round victory...before realising that he's due back for 2nd round action in just two hours...

Not content with the epic 6-4, 3-6, 6-7 (7), 7-6 (3), 70-68 win of John Isner over Nicholas Mahut last year, "God is just taking the piss" by pairing them up once more, according to Isner. "Well my first thought was 'are you shitting me?!?'", said the American beanpole. "Then I headed straight out to the practice court and pounded serves for six hours". Mahut was equally stunned with the draw, describing his first reaction to the news as "like a punch in the cock". "Seriously, I wasted eleven hours and five minutes of my life losing that fucking match. Just when I think my tennis elbow has recovered enough, now I've likely got to fire down another ten thousand serves tomorrow. What a load of bullshit!". Isner also eluded to the toll the match took on him; "While it was great to win that match, it fucked my whole tourny. I was talkin' big servin' my way into the round of 16. Instead I got fucking pumped by a clay court specialist in the second round!".

The pair have become good friends since that marathon Court 18 stoush, and when Isner joked last week that they were going to meet again, the Frenchman didn't see the funny side. "I said 'that's not even funny, I'll punch you in the cock if you say that again'". Mahut said he has prepared for the match by eating pasta and drinking Gatorade non-stop since the draw was released.

Fans have gone crazy trying to secure tickets to the match, likely to be played out once more on Court 18. "I just love serving" said one fan. "If they can just give me even half of what I was fortunate enough to behold last year, then I'll be in heaven" he said while showing off the "biggest bag of salted cashews that I could find". Another mused enthusiastically about the tactics that might be employed; "I think Nic will serve mostly down the T. That's his money serve. John will try and use his height and kick it a bit wider. It's going to be another fascinating contest!".

Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet reports that Head To Head and Set Betting have been widely overlooked in this match. "Punters are more interested in the Most Aces and Total Games options. Isner 111-120 aces is favourite there at $3, and in Total Games 181-190 is the popular pick at $4.50".

Australian tennis fans who don't have Foxtel will not see any of the match live, with Channel Nine focusing primarily on the Aussie tilt. Foxsports will show the entire match, plus a four hour highlights package the day after it's conclusion.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Hilditch Puts His Spin On Cricket

Trying not to think about another likely series loss for the Blues this evening only leads me back to something that's been bothering me every bit as much as the disgraceful lack of contract for the Master Of The Grundle, Simon Katich. What do Nathan Hauritz, Jason Krejza and Xavier Doherty have in common? Well they've all been trotted out at Test level for Australia and, quite frankly, have sucked. So in rebuilding for the future, Master Douchebag Hilditch and his merry band of douchebag selectors reward all 3 of these guys with a contract. That's right. All 3 of these guys that you've witnessed stinking it up against the Poms have been given fucking contracts. One wonders what in the fucking hell we need these guys for if they not only can't cut it at Test level, but are competing for ODI/T20 spots against Cameron White and Steve Smith. I guess, looking forward to our next Ashes tour, that gives us 5 fairly useless options in the spin department. But seriously, it's all about the future...And building an army of spinning all rounder types for limited overs. Which is great considering we just missed the boat on that one with the sub-continent World Cup done and dusted for another 12 years or more. A future of 40-year-old-spinning-all-rounder-limited-over-specialist types, ripping it up at the 2024 World Cup eh Hilditch and sidekicks? You fucking clowns, where's the future in this squad without some young spinners who've shown some early skill in the longer version of the game? And you know what? The thing that's mostly fucked us all off is losing 3 STRAIGHT FUCKING ASHES SERIES' YOU FUCKING TWATS! If I could ask for just one thing as an Aussie cricket fan, it's Ashes glory! And you're telling me Phil Hughes, a distinct lack of grundle, and this collection of spinning mediocrity is going to get the urn back for us?!? Are you d'bags off your fucking trolley?!?

So to Hilditch, G. Chappell, Boony and Cox, on behalf of all true Aussie cricket fans, Simon Katich, Brad Hodge, and even Zaheer Khan;

FUCK AND FUCK OFF NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

From One Lot Of Retards To The Next...

As if the Blues demented selections weren't enough, that douchebag head of selectors for the Australian Cricket Team is at it again. This time he's decided that super-grundler Simon Katich isn't in the top 25 cricketers in the country, with a view to the next Ashes series. Sure the Kat has never been the most exciting batsmen but I've always felt that he's someone who could consistently be relied upon at the top of the order. And given our current situation, i.e, an Ashes flogging on home soil featuring a pretty average bunch of cricketers, there is no question he is well inside our best 25. He's more like top 5 or 6. I can understand that Hilditch and his cronies want to get a younger opener in for the next Ashes BUT: Firstly, they could have done it by dropping our best batsmen Watson down the order and keeping the Kat as the experienced opener. If Watson bats at 4 or 5 I reckon he averages around 80. Secondly, even if they keep Watson as opener, what happens if it doesn't work out with Hughes? Which is highly likely, mind you. The only other option is Paine who is a keeper/ODI opener and you would think more of a perfect replacement for Haddin at 7 in a couple of years. Surely you couldn't entertain the idea of Haddin opening. The man loves to loft. And that's great when you bat at 7 in Tests or open in ODI's. Not great when you open in Test Match cricket. Katich was the perfect guy to keep in this transitional phase. He gave you options. Now there's only one immediate option, and it's a huge call to assume that Hughes will work. The guy no doubt has plenty of mental scars from his previous Ashes campaigns. The worst thing about this is that because the Kat doesn't have a contract, they won't consider him even if Hughes sucks or Watson gets injured. They will have to stubbornly try to justify their belief that he's not in Australia's best 25. And he should be pointing out that he, in fact, is easily in that group, with a Brad Hodge style barrage of abuse...

I've seen it before. Once you don't have a contract, you only get a look in for a tour of Zimbabwe. And if they picked me for a tour of that hellhole, and I'm sure I can speak for the Kat here, I would consider that a fucking insult...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Return Of The Wolfman!

With Blues winger Akuila Uate in doubt for Origin II after trying to use a Wests Tigers player as a shovel, David Williams, AKA The Wolfman, has loomed up as the obvious replacement in the eyes of the NSW brains trust of Ricky Stuart and Bob Fulton. "He's been there before" said Fulton, referring to the Wolfman's shocking performance in a 2009 Origin match at Suncorp. "He's the logical replacement for Akuila" said Stuart, referring to Williams' comparative slowness/lack of gusto, and his inability to tackle big QLD centres and wingers. Stuart also hinted that if he does get a run, The Wolfman may be played in a variety of positions during the match. "We've canned this notion of having players only play in their specialist positions. We think if we play guys all over the place it might baffle and bewilder QLD into submission" he mused. "Don't be surprised to see him roughing it with the QLD forwards".

With the latest news, NSW has drifted to $8.50 to win Game 2 and $41 to win the series...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The NSW Way...

Great to see Ricky Stuart sticking rock solid to his philosophy of picking players in their rightful positions for the Blues. Hence, Hayne on the wing despite "five-eighth being his best position". Good to see the future of NSW (2012 and 2013 excluded of course), William Hopoate, in his regular backline position in the centres; fucking Manly trying to pass him off as a winger... And yeah, Gallen as a lock? Fuck that, he's totally a front rower. Just like Mannah is totally a starting front rower, even if he starts all of his Parramatta games from the bench as a specialist there...After our front rowers were ridiculously outgained in Game 1, it's refreshing to see even less front rowers in Game 2. Kade Snowden...does he deserve a second chance being a young front rower? Nah, fuck that. Let's bring in more second rowers. Second rowers are the future. And locks packing in at 8. And Michael Weyman can go fuck himself. Like I said...refreshing...building for the future.....

The common denominator linking the recent seemingly insane selections to the fucktarded selections of the last 5 years is Bob Fulton. So if we don't win Origin II, with our distinct lack of front rowers, despite front row-manship seeming to be our glaring weakness, I will not rest until Fulton has resigned/jumped off a cliff/publicly admitted he's a 24-carat fuckwit...

You've been served Bozo...

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Origin Pre-Match Banter

After throwing various barbs at the "bogan Queenslanders" at work with "gaps between their front teeth", I've discovered the best way to offend the "redneck nut-jobs" is to tell them the main reason you want the Blues to win tonight, and this series, is to ruin Lockyer's fairytale finish. These hillbillies become more personally affronted at the thought of Locky bowing out of Origin a loser than when Backdoor Benny made his usual tactless remarks, this time about the QLD floods.

So c'mon the Blues. Let's make up for 5 forgettable years of shit selections, shit players, and a general lack of pride in the Blues shirt and piss all over Lockyer's fairytale ending!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Why Free To Air TV And Sport Don't Mix

Example #1:

After being run into the ground by this guy;

Former One HD head of programming, let's call him Clive.

One HD have totally given up on sport. Rather than ask why their ratings sucked balls, they have decided to go in a different direction. Whilst mildly interesting, I'm pretty sure Ice Road Trucking is not a sport. If they had of perhaps listened to viewers, or rather had the intelligence to provide some sort of forum for disgruntled viewers to easily share their grievances, if they had of held that anonymous someone responsible for their insulting programming accountable rather than making Clive the scapegoat, if they just had of shown any aptitude for covering sport, surely things could have been different. Sport is hard to fuck up. You just have to give the people what they want. Yes, live sport is good, but you know what, I can't watch a midday Lakers game on a Wednesday because I, like most people, go to work. And I'll be fucked if I'm going to get up at 3am the next morning to watch the replay. I'm not going to spell it out for you how it should play out, hell, I've done that enough times, but all I'll say is that I probably wouldn't be showing Recruits at prime time. Again, it's arguable as to whether Recruiting/Being Recruited could be classified as a sport...

Anyway, the final chapter of my One HD bashing concludes by simply saying that sport is hard to fuck up if you do it right. Just ask Foxsports. And yeah;

Right back at ya "Clive"...

Example #2:

Delaying the blockbuster Broncos vs Bulldogs clash by an hour for the Royal Wedding! When it's on the ABC, Channel 7 and Channel 10 as well! I don't think I'm alone in saying that I'm fucking outraged! Enough said!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Save Todd Carney!

If for no other reason than dishing out some payback for some disgraceful refereeing performances, the NRL needs Todd Carney!

That's for the GF and Tri-Nations final you douchebag!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Ponting: The Final Frontier

After delivering us the bumfuck that was an Ashes humiliation on home soil, Punter ended his era as captain with an inauspicious quarter final exit at the World Cup. And then, once he finally let go of the reins, all I heard was "most successful captain ever", from complete douchebags who know fuck-all about cricket. This was mostly from free to air channels obviously. Just because he was captain for long enough to amass most victories in this and that, there's a thing called strike-rate...another thing called common sense...I don't have the time or resources to pull stats out of my ass these days, but I feel comfortable that my opinion of Ponting as the most retarded "highly regarded" captain of all time is well held. And if you really want stats, well here's a fucking stat: Ashes series lost: 3. That's all the stats I need. And this will be the legacy of the man. Anyone who knows anything about cricket isn't fooled by the number of W's on his CV. His fucked up decision to bowl first in the 2nd Ashes Test in 2005 is the reason we started this blog, and now that he has moved on as captain, well I still get pissed off weekly with similarly retarded things that happen in sport, so WHAB will continue on it's merry way. Hell, I'm still pissed off about that decision. I will never forget those fateful words "We'll have a bowl", considering it meant unleashing Brett Lee and Kasper upon England on the mother of all perfect batting pitches...

Adios douchebag.

One gets the feeling that it won't be long before his successor is the primary focus of our rants; he's certainly been in our sights before. And he's learnt everything he knows about captaincy off Punter. So it'll be business as usual here at WHAB...

Our new captain.....fuck me sideways.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Oh Fuck It....Again!

The original "Oh Fuck It". $899 fully framed...

That last over of the 1999 WC semi final is etched in my memory forever...

Then there was "Oh Fuck It" on home soil. Miscalculating the runs required under Duckworth Lewis. A brick wall defensive block from Mark Boucher, only to realise that they actually needed one more run...

Then there was "Oh Fuck It" Caribbean Style. Skittled for 149 by the Aussies in the semi final...not quite enough...

Then there was 2011. NZ are looking pretty ordinary in the early stages of the tournament. They look completely outclassed when they come up with a paltry 221 in the quarter final. To cut a long story short, Jacob Oram destroys the Jaaapies, despite the fact that he is batsmen first, bowler second. That's right. Jacob Oram.

For the Aussies, well, who didn't see the ultimate demise of our 3-pronged pace attack. After all, it was the sub-continent...the final 10 overs against India saw to it. Shaun Tait in India, what a debacle...but seriously, it's all your fault Krejza...we totallly gave you the chance to win it all for us, but you fucked it...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


With Wayne Bennett looking set to return to the Broncos next year, the Dragons began auditions for their 2012 coach last night, handing back the reins to Nathan Brown. In a blast from the past, "Browny" had the Dragons players smearing their hands with vaseline pre-game, dropping the ball repeatedly, throwing forward passes, trying to score off the first tackle, chip kicking, chip kicking some more, giving away cheap penalties, letting a Sharks player gain another 20m after an attempted strip gone wrong, putting through more chip kicks, and he also reportedly bitch-slapped Jamie Soward after the game for good measure. Great news for the other 15 teams, we've missed ya Browny!

The Roosters returned to their 2009 form by making so many mistakes in the first half that Manly started to actually believe they could win the game. Everything they learned from last year's run to the GF, out the window. Other under-whelming teams included the Parra-that-no-longer-matta, the Raiders with their big, mean forwards who turned into powderpuffs in the face of the Broncos pack, and, well the Titans have completely forgotten how to play the game in the off-season. Then there's Souths...

They should be good. But they're not. The halves are mostly to blame, followed closely by Russell Crowe. Sutton is suffering from a bad case of "Anasta Syndrome". He is a lock that has been stuck in a number 6 jersey for way too long. Sandow is just not good enough to steer this side anywhere near a Premiership. His decision-making is poor, he's way too pre-occupied with shoulder-charges when he should be focused on leading his team around the paddock, and if Souths are serious about a Premiership tilt, they need a solution in the halves. Rusty Crowe thought that over-paying a centre who gives you 4 or 5 quality home and away games a year would solve all their problems.

Oi! Inglis! I'll give yer a part in me next 'ollywood block-buster!

Inglis' performance on Sunday was one of the worst I've seen by an NRL player. Looking completely disinterested, he was made to look like an absolute clown by Jamal Idris (NSW selectors, please take note). By the way, Beau Champion is killing it down in Melbourne...

Our Cricket World Cup unbeaten streak is over! A pretty unbelievable 34 game streak it was too. Now, with India in the quarter-finals, we might be about to start a different kind of streak. This trio of pace bowlers on the sub-continent thing that the selectors have gone with could be about to fail spectacularly if they don't get it right to the likes of Sehwag, Tendulkar, Yuvraj, Kohli etc. But I guess they've set the whole thing up nicely if it does fail, with Krejza the obvious scapegoat for not single-handedly bowling us to a World Cup win. Fucking typical. It's real fingers crossed stuff...

Lastly and leastly, the award for most useless performance of the week goes to the NSW Waratahs. They were spanked 23-3 at home by a team who don't show any interest whatsoever in trying to score tries, who had never won a game outside South Africa, and who barely win games period. To make your fans sit through that monstrosity, seriously, get fucked! QLD will show you guys how to deal with the Cheetahs this week. That is unmercilessly...

The Cheetahs of all things...WTF is going on?!?!?

Sunday, March 13, 2011

WHAB is back!!!

After an enforced hiatus, WHAB is back people! And I can't think of a better time to come back...Week 1 NRL, Cricket World Cup, Super 15, and the Miracle at Suncorp Stadium. Firstly I need to talk about the Miracle at Suncorp Stadium. This had to happen. I'm sorry Central Coast, you guys played great, but it was meant to be for would have been an absolute travesty for the boys to get rolled after the season they've had. With 10 minutes of extra time left, I prayed for miracle. I got one. If you haven't watched the game yet, you need to. This city got fucked on by floods not that long ago, and for everyone living in Brisbane town, this was our reward...

NRL notes: Dragons still the team to beat. Roosters a chance, great to see them wrestle back victory from the jaws of defeat at the hands of Rusty Crowe. Rule changes good...referees still bad...Sharks still absolutely awful...

S15: The draw between the Western Force and Auckland Blues prevented a perfect round of tipping for me...

Racing: If you ever see Shocking at $8.50+ for a Group 1 at Flemington over 2000m+ and don't hit that, then you sir, are an idiot...

Cricket World Cup: All I want to say is that splitting points for a rained out match is totally not good enough. Play the match the next day. That's not too difficult. I'm sure the TV networks can figure out the logistics. 1 point each, what a fucking our game against Canada is rained out...we'll split the points, it's only fair. How about fuck right off?...

Good to be back, plenty to talk about over the coming weeks, no doubt...