JOHNSON WATCH

He just seems to be always lurking in the background of Australian cricket. Playing the odd ODI or T20 to remind us he still exists. Just loitering on the fringes waiting for others in the Test squad to succumb to injuries. And then you think to yourself, "well they've tried this Johnson thing a few times before now, surely that's that"...

And then this clown writes this: http://www.cricketcountry.com/cricket-articles/Australia-need-Mitchell-Johnson-now-more-than-ever/30825

And George Bailey says this: http://sports.ndtv.com/the-ashes-2013/news/213146-george-bailey-backs-mitchell-johnson-for-ashes-return

And then some people try to pretend that he is made of stern stuff: http://sports.ndtv.com/cricket/news/213880-mitchell-johnson-relishes-crowd-taunts-adam-voges

And everyone starts blowing their load because he is bowling really, really fast: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-09-14/johnson-vows-to-put-england-on-back-foot/4957980

Perhaps forgetting that this super-fast, super-scary bowling returned 0/64 off 9.3 overs in a chase of just 228...

Perhaps forgetting that he is FUCKING RUBBISH.

LET ME REMIND YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN:

ASHES TOUR 2013

With Mickey Arthur's penchant for the unorthodox and retarded, so came his downfall, and we here at WHAB are pleased that the reign of Boof has begun. That's certainly not to say that all our worries are over but at least things seem to be heading in a direction that isn't a 10-0 trainwreck. With both sides as yet unnamed, Australia's in particular being a bit up in the air, let's just have a look at some key points for Trent Bridge.

First Test Points Of Note

*  As yet, Mitchell Johnson has not been considered for selection.

* As yet, Steve Smith has not been considered for selection.

* Neither Mitchell Johnson or Steve Smith have been considered for selection at this stage.

* Alastair Cook averages a paltry 19 at Trent Bridge. While that sounds like good news for Australia, in racing parlance, he's due.

* Graeme Swann has just 3 wickets at 65 at Trent Bridge. While that sounds like good news for Australia, in racing parlance, he's due.

* Australia need to bowl like this:

* And this:

THE VERDICT: Pattinson is rightly a lock on opening the bowling and England's recent form against left-armers warrants Starc's selection. The concern with Starc is his lack of ticker when things aren't going our way and a tendency to leak quick runs. Jackson Bird may well turn out to be the closest thing to the great T. Alderman that we'll ever have but it doesn't appear that he'll get a start here. It baffled me how a guy can have such a brilliant start to his Test career, as Bird did, then got put back on the shelf, maybe Mickey Arthur can enlighten us when he pens his memoirs. Anyway, looks as if they'll go for Siddle because of his willingness to bust a gut and bowl long spells. Watson will supply some tight overs and hopefully come through without another injury. Lyon is yet to prove he is up to Test cricket. His wickets come when the team is well placed in a match. The unthreatening nature of his 4th and 5th day bowling is a massive concern given the calibre of batsmen we need to roll twice to win an Ashes Test. He needs to fire when it matters or that will be the end of that. Johnson and Smith are not in considerations at this point, England fans will be bitterly disappointed there. 

Batting wise, Australia are thin. Cowan and Hughes have been given a fair go in the last year or so and haven't inspired any trust in fans. I would be playing Khawaja before either of them. Rogers' selection stabilises the top order given his form in English conditions and one has to remember, that while I prefer Watson down the order, his form opening with Katich was solid indeed. In fact, we haven't had any stability at the top since the Kat was stabbed in the back and the selectors/Clarke broke up a perfectly decent opening pair. Clarke is the rock in the batting order but we cannot rely on him to the shocking extent we have in recent times, more contributions are needed. Warner, well I wouldn't pick him for this personally, not until he proves he can go a lengthy period of time without being a total cockspanker. 

England have quality with bat and ball, there are some weaknesses there no doubt, but Australia is going to have to play very well to expose those and get a good result here. Given their appalling recent form, it's hard to imagine Boof turning it all around in the space of a couple of weeks, but at least it looks like he's got things going in the right direction. I'm expecting a competitive start to the series, or series', and as for 10-0, you can blow that out your arse England!   

A Sigh Of Relief...

Australian Test Squad to face South Africa:

Michael Clarke (c)
Shane Watson (v-c)
Ed Cowan
David Warner
Ricky Ponting
Mike Hussey
Matthew Wade
Peter Siddle
James Pattinson
Ben Hilfenhaus
Nathan Lyon
Mitchell Starc

It's the first step towards a Johnson-less summer for the Australian Cricket side...

And that sounds fucking great to me.

Johnson Watch

1st ODI, Australia vs Pakistan

Pattinson:  9.1 overs 3/19

Starc:  10 overs 5/42

Johnson: 9 overs 1/43

Thankfully for Australia, Johnson was able to pick up the absolutely crucial wicket of Tanvir.

Johnson goes nuts after picking up Pakistan's dangerous no. 9...

Johnson Watch

Well Mitch Johnson is all fired up and ready to go for the final ODI, that incidentally, means nothing. Talking the talk for the dead rubber he is:

"There's maybe a bit of fire missing in our one-day side. My role in the team is I want to have that fire in the belly, get really aggressive, show them that we're serious and get on top of them. It could take a few games, it might be the next game where it all switches back on for me."


Is this guy fucking for real?!?

For more extensive bollocks, some of the most extensive bollocks imaginable:

http://www.espncricinfo.com/ci/content/current/story/571697.html

Fucking laughable. I was not really watching an AFL game at the weekend and heard Dermott Brereton even taking a potshot at Johnson's wayward bowling. So more of the same I'm boldly predicting:

The Great Debate: Who Sucks More?

Arriving home from Suncorp Stadium, after yet another Origin series loss, all I could think about was how much I fucking loathe Ben Creagh. So much so that I stunned the Qld bogans sitting around me at the game when I unleashed a stinging torrent of abuse at him after he went down like the softcock he is. After directing him towards the bench, questioning his commitment/skills/ticker/sexuality, hollering "You're nothing but a waste of a fucking interchange!" and wondering why this pussy is taking game time off a courageous cover tackle merchant like Luke Lewis, I pointed out to the rednecks that I realised he was "on our team" but I didn't care because he's shit, and a girly-man. Here's what I'm fucking talking about:

NB: Thaiday, who picks exclusively on Mitchell Pearce because he's small, senses that Creagh is a cat and moves in for some bullying...    

I was just as disgusted when I flicked on the 2nd ODI in England the other night to see Mitchell Johnson named in the side. So let me get this straight...a guy bowls pies all summer and takes no wickets despite the fact we are smashing the Indians, then gets injured and doesn't play for 6 months, and not only do we find a seat on the plane to England for him, we rush him back into the side as soon as possible? He's been fucking terrible for as long as I can remember and this has been well-documented here. Not to mention that last time he was in England he had a fucking meltdown because his Mum said she doesn't like his girlfriend. And bowled overs and overs of fucking garbage. At the top of his run, all this bitch could think about was how Mummy could be so mean rather than how he was going to knock over the Poms. And he even fucking admitted it. Fucking weak as piss. To be fair, he bowled particularly well for his 0/43 off 7 overs the other night, with a career low of only 2 wides. Promising stuff. If the Poms were smart, they'd tank the rest of this ODI series and deliberately throw their wicket away to Johnson. All of their wickets. The selectors will see 10/66 and he'll be thrust into the Ashes series. Think about it England...you know it just as much as I do:

     

So who sucks more? Two useless, weak-minded deadshits, that know just how to rub up the selectors. I can't split them...and the debate will rage on.....

Did That Really Happen?/Bring Back The Kat!

I don't think there's anyone out there that thought the Ram Rooters could conceivably win the Hobart Test after being rolled for 150 in their first innings. In hindsight, the pitch was green and menacing, and the weather overcast, so perhaps it wasn't the worst score considering. During the Aussie first innings, despite telling everybody that I've moved on, I once again found myself missing the Kat. Seriously, fuck Phil Hughes right off. In fact, I'll throw down the gauntlet here and challenge Hughes to an over of my right arm slow bowling. "Right arm slow" I here you ask? That's right. Because I have a plan. He won't last the over. Not even on Gabba Grass. A couple of balls delivered on a length, a foot outside off and I'll let my nine (9) slips take care of the rest. Because the guy can't fucking help himself. He is not equipped to be a Test opener.

A real Test opener. Notice the poise, control, and the ball not headed in the direction of the slip cordon...

Now for Khawaja. I think the guy has great potential. I recall a time when I also had great potential, but alas it went unfulfilled. So it's time for Usman to either get the fuck on with scoring big or spend the rest of his days on the blogosphere like the rest of us who once showed potential. Also, he needs to work on his short leg-manship because at the moment he is a poor man's Simon Katich in that position.

The Kat on his toes and ready to pounce...

Time's up for Ponting. He was a well-documented fucking god-awful captain but his batting was world class back in the day. I used to curse his name when I caught sight of him striding out but secretly felt kind of safe about him coming in at 3. Now he's set about disgracing himself and I just can't have it, not just because it's completely fucking selfish to hang on when you're clearly past it, but when there's batsmen galore in form on the domestic scene, well go fuck yourself Punter. I hate it when has-beens feel the need to "go out on their own terms". It would be better if they went out on my terms. With a sharp, swift one to the testicles and complimentary abusive blog rant.

There are only two points I want to make about our Captain. One is that it is his fault that we have to keep playing Test matches without our best performed batsmen for the last 3 years after The Choke. The second is this video, in particular at the 1:10 mark:



The guy is just so inconsistent, sure he scores the odd century, but he also does stupid non-captain-esque shit like leaving straight balls on off stump...

The Kat safely sees off this menacing straight ball on off stump...

The biggest problem with the current Aussie team is batting. It has been since before the Ashes debacle, it came to the fore during the Ashes debacle, and it continues to be a glaring issue. There's so much fucking wafting going on, from Phil Hughes mostly, but also guys who should know better. I guess this is why I just can't let go of the Kat. While batting has been a weakness all this time, a bunch of fuckwits who are now ex-selectors decided to sack our most reliable and well-performed batsmen. Who, in the period since his Test recall, was the second highest scoring batsmen in the whole motherfucking world. Not to mention the fact that they broke up the strong opening partnership the Kat shared with Watson. For Phil fucking Hughes?!? And now because of a mad moment of choking (and seriously, who reading this hasn't choked someone in a moment of perfectly understandable rage?), and the fact the chokee is now our Captain, he'll never be back. Did I mention that he had also captained his state and could roll the arm over too?!?

The under-utilised left-arm chinamen talents of the Kat.

The whole situation is just so fucking unjust, that if it wasn't for potential superstars like Pattinson, Cummins and Warner I just wouldn't watch anymore. First it was Stuart Clark, who despite being the best bowler in the country, was continuously boned by the selectors and Ponting. Now it's the Kat. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, except to say fuck all involved and sundry, and fuck them all to hell.

BRING BACK THE KAT!!!!!

No More Pies

It's been a huge year for me, marked by two monumental events: the birth of my future grand-slam winning son, and the injury to Mitchell Johnson. It was an amazingly satisfying feeling watching the First Test against the hopeless Sheep Shaggers without having to endure pie after pie being thrown down at one end. In the past, I would tape a whole day's play on the IQ box just so I could flick through Johnson's 20 or so overs of garbage. The only downer about the absence of Yonson was that we were deprived of an extra day's cricket without him there to make game of it. I can live with that...

Anyway, that's the end of him. I'm calling it. With the discovery by selectors that when you give youngsters a go it creates competition for places (who'd have fucking thought?!?), there's no fucking way that clown is making it back in the side. I feel sorry for his WA teammates though...can you imagine just how fucking terrible he'll be after months on the sideline? He can't even bowl straight when he's allegedly fit and 'in form'.

So farewell Mitch. Thanks for the memories. The Ashes no-shows. Having to listen to Tony Greig, of all people, waffle on about your karate-ing missus. Your inability to bowl decently anywhere but the WACA. The way you just released the pressure valve at one end when you came on. But maybe mummy still loves you. Or maybe she thinks you're as mentally piss-weak as the rest of us do. Anyway, adios to you, King Of All Pie-Chuckers...

No more pies for me angled at second slip thanks pal...

First Test Match Report

I should have known the 2nd innings collapse was coming; these days the Aussie cricket team seems to follow every promising session with one as equally unpromising. Really, this Test was lost in between the ears. We had it in the fucking bag. Even with our top order crumbling, the golden boy Phil Hughes gone cheaply yet again, the no-longer-captain-just-non-contributing Ponting gone, we still had it in the fucking bag as we had a nice lead. It only started to get shaky when the normally reliable Hussey, first ball, went chasing a widish delivery. I don't think I've ever seen the Huss lose his head like that before when facing his first ball, particularly in a dramatic situation. His off stump maybe, his composure surely not. Is this a sign? Is this Alzheimer's creeping up on him? Forgetting to grundle is surely how it begins. Anyway, with Huss gone things were starting to look uncomfortable. Enter Brad Haddin. At 5/15, he charged down the pitch and flailed at a short one. That's right. 5/15 in a Test match. Down the pitch. Flailing. What in the fucking hell would possess him to do that? You wouldn't even play a shot like that at 5/15 in a fucking T20 chasing 30 to win. Some batsmen would never play a shot like that in T20 period. I am calling it: THE WORST AND MOST UNNECESSARY AND FUCKED UP SHOT EVER!

Haddin was fined $10,000 for turning up to the Newlands TEST in his T20 kit...

So now we were in trouble. The unassailable lead we were supposed to be building was becoming more assailable by the second. Then just to piss me off completely, useless as fuck Johnson spoons one straight into the chest of gully. Typical Mitch response to pressure. Then Harris comes into bat next. Regardless of the way he strides to the pitch meaning business, as a batsmen, the Rhino makes a fucking good bowler. He should never come in ahead of Siddle who can actually bat for extended periods. All these little things matter Even just another 50 or so runs and the South Africans have to go about the chase a little more carefully. As it was, they had the momentum and wiped off plenty of the 236 by close of play with reckless abandon. Day 3 was a mere formality.

As it all unfolded, all I could think of was the Kat, or the lack thereof. When we most needed grundle, ticker and a 500 ball half century, there was none of the above. Just Hughes looking unconvincing again. Ponting fart-arsing around at 3. Hussey showing early signs of Alzheimer's. Haddin being a complete fucking idiot. Johnson being his usual deadshit self.

Waiting...waiting......NO RUN!

Even Shane Watson, no doubt shitted off with his average opening partnership nosediving from 54.39 with the Kat to a piss-poor 31.46 with Hughes, admitted that he missed the Kat. We all miss the Kat...

Where is the Kat?!?

BRING BACK THE KAT!!!

Johnson Watch

It was refreshing to see Clarke hook Johnson out of the 1st innings opening attack after a mere two overs yesterday. Ponting would have let him roll through at least 10 overs of pies during his reign, so it was great to see a captain not afraid to hook an under-performing and horribly inconsistent bowler. And it was fair enough; the Rhino had only gone for 3 runs and Johnson, once again, was easing the pressure at one end allowing 14 off his two. While Watson and the Rhino proceeded to tear the Jaapies a new one and Siddle chipped in with a run out, Johnson wasted space. Brought back on when SA were 9-for, to try and claim a meaningless, yet confidence-boosting scalp, he couldn't get it done and the Rhino didn't need a second invitation. 0/28 off 5 in a total of 96. Fan-fucking-tastic. Then, during the Aussies batting collapse, he played a fucking stupid shot exactly when it wasn't needed, picking out gully perfectly.

A match report is forthcoming; it will be all wrapped up early on day 3. There will be questions asked. People will be held accountable. There will be words of curse. It's the WHAB way.

WHAB's Match Report: Parental advisory...

Pies and Eggs

As the haze of the footy finals and the Spring Carnival clears (the Professor and I don't want to talk about Dunaden's easy, walk in the park Melbourne Cup victory where we both won a shitload of cash, not too much anyway), our attentions inevitably turn to KFC and Mitchell Johnson bowling pies. Both greasy chicken and Johnson's signature dish are in abundance during the summer of cricket, and over the next few days we get an early plateful of Johnson as the Aussies take on South Africa. WHAB will, as ever, be keeping an eagle eye on Johnson and reporting on his progress throughout the match. Another guy under scrutiny will be Phil Hughes. A repeat of his heroics back on the '09 SA tour is in order here because despite riding on the back of a century to end the tour of Sri Lanka, there are still lingering doubts for most of us. I don't think there's too many people out there just yet who think that sacking the Kat was the right move. Including the Kat! Anyway as Katich prepares for his court date with the thin-skinned faggots at Cricket Australia, the selectors prepare for a possible Hughes failure in this series and to be left with egg all over their faces...not for the first time.

First Test, Day 5 Recap

England batted on and on at their own pace, declaring unsportingly, with no team any chance to win. The Poms looked more intent on padding their stats rather than getting stuck into the collapse-prone Aussie batting order. Yes our bowling was shite, and everything Mitchell Johnson did was terrible beyond adequate description, but seriously, what is with these fucking road pitches on days 4 and 5 of a Test match? I want to see a killer minefield out there, with confused and terrified batsmen, not guys knocking around double centuries. I want old school Test matches where chasing 150 in the final innings was treacherous. Where balls would fly off the pitch at some hapless batsmen's throat. Where you'd see guys bowled out by mully-grubbers! Fuck these curators. Now we go to the biggest road of them all in Adelaide, which will be 5 days of my life wasted watching another draw. Being pretty handy as a kid against a tennis ball in our street, I'd fancy myself to bludgeon a century at Adelaide Oval.

Johnson finished with match figures of 0/170, took 32 mins and 19 balls to score 0, and dropped a catch to kill off the game as a contest. It was the single-most useless all-round performance in a Test I've ever seen and if the selectors think he's worth a shot in Adelaide, then they're kidding themselves, insulting the fans, and depriving Johnson of some practice time back with WA. I can just see them, after bringing Bollinger and Harris into the squad, and making it seem like they're serious, not having the balls to make the change. That's how they roll. Show some gumption you pussies. And by the way, if you play two spin bowlers, Marcus North is not a fucking spin bowler just because Strauss got heat exhaustion and his brain snapped. Although he'd be pretty handy if he could bowl to himself...

First Test, Day 4 Recap

With England at 0/119, Johnson, in pursuit of a performance of unrivalled uselessness, dropped a simple catch after Strauss mistimed a drive off the X Factor. And that was the match. When Strauss was finally out, England were only 20 runs behind. I don't care what anyone says, if Strauss is out when the Poms are 89 behind, it's a whole different ball game. The dropped catch, coupled with Ponting's lack of urgency to end day 3, leaves you wondering what might have been. I guess we should have known this was going to happen with our hopes resting on 'tards like Ponting and Johnson.

The numbers don't lie; Johnson has match figures of 0/131 (so far), scored 0 off 19 deliveries, and has 0 catches, with a dropped catch...if he's in your Ashes Fantasy team, well, you're fucked!

First Test, Day 1 Recap

Thanks to the power of Foxtel IQ, I've just finished replaying the whole of the first day's play in a mere 2 hours. Great stuff! Peter Siddle with a red ball is the business. Hopefully the selectors never give him a white ball ever again, because you can't take 7 or 8 overs to get in rhythm in an ODI. A couple of fiery Siddle spells has England reeling in the First Test, and that's the way we Aussies like it. Hilfenhaus had an uncharacteristicly wayward sort of day, and Johnson was just extra baggage as usual, but Siddle simply swung Johnson over his shoulder, and carried him on his way to a hat-trick and a 6 wicket haul. If not for some rubbish glovemanship from Haddin, it would have been 7. It's worth re-living the hat-trick moment again, complete with English confusion/referral tomfoolery:



For most guys, a "Birthday hat-trick" means something completely different...or maybe the Sid completed an unprecedented double Birthday hat-trick! Wow, the man's got it all! Respect.

As mentioned before, Hilfy had an off day. But he still contributed something, getting the big early wicket of Strauss. Watson bowled solidly and produced a corker to knock over Trott. The X Factor bowled superbly on a first day pitch, tying down one end with some quality spin bowling. It was good to see him bag a couple of wickets in the end because he was crucial to the overall success of the day's play. Even Punter had a decent day, some good bowling changes and some decent fields for once. I won't get too carried away there because there's a high probability of him doing something stupid to try and get the Poms back in it. That leaves Johnson, who had no impact whatsoever. No consistency, no movement, and no wickets. He was just extra baggage. I hereby officially call for him to sacked. Go back to WA and work on it son. Because there will likely be times in this series when we won't be able to afford having dead weight in the side. I think of how good a Test pace trio of Hilfy, the Sid and the Rhino (aka Ryan Harris) would be and how angry it makes me that I can't have it because of Johnson sending daily photos of himself posing with his Sir Garfield Sobers trophy to the selectors. We can go with a guy who's form for Australia over the last year has been diabolical, or a guy in great form at present...who is called the Rhino...that's a no-fucking-brainer.

Check back in tonight for the Day 2 Recap!

Things That Have Angered Me Since My Last Blog Post

- Mitchell Johnson.

- After giving Clarke the benefit of the doubt for not bowling Steve Smith in the 1st ODI, who I've got no doubt would've had Malinga skying a catch within two overs, I see Smith named for the 2nd ODI. So clearly, Smith wasn't injured at all as some reports had suggested. And even more clearly, Clarke has no testicles and is every bit as shithouse at captaincy as Punter.

- Mitchell Johnson's tatts. He's got his whole arm inked up but as the guy on Cricinfo said, the only tatts he needs are one on his left arm inked with "line" and one on his right with "length".

- The inexplicable decision to not play Xavier Doherty in the 2nd ODI after his brilliant debut performance in the 1st ODI. I was gobsmacked when I saw Hauritz was replacing him. There is no sane reason for a decision like this and the selectors can go royally fuck themselves for it.

- Johnson, when interviewed during the coverage of the 3rd ODI, saying that he was focusing on bowling really fast and wasn't paying any attention to media reports about his fucking horrendous bowling. How about bowling better instead of fast and actually taking it on board when people are saying you're fucking terrible, because generally criticism comes your way for a reason you fucking douchebag.

- After seeing the batting line-up for the ill-fated 2nd ODI, I did some calculations in my head; I subbed out Cameron White, dropped Brad Haddin down the order to 7, and subbed in Simon Katich and Marcus North...well fuck me, that's our Test batting line-up! That's what you want in an ODI!

- Johnson being comprehensively out-bowled by the relatively inexperienced Clint McKay and debutante Mitchell Starc in the 3rd ODI. McKay picked up a 5-for and Starc bagged 4. In case you're wondering, Watson got the other wicket. In his first match, Starc showed exactly where a left-hander should be consistently bowling. Maybe that's why he had 4 times more wickets in one game than Johnson had in 3 games. And we're backing this guy for the fucking Ashes. Fuck me sideways.

- Finally, bumfuck sports journalist Robert Craddock basically blaming our misfortunes on Dave Warner, Cameron White, Shaun Marsh and James Sutherland's 14 man Cricket Australia team being over-loaded. Boy has this fucktard missed the point. Dave Warner...a T20 specialist. Cameron White...after being highly critical of White over the years, all I remember in recent times is him smashing us out of trouble in the late overs on numerous occasions; in fact, I think the team plan in the short form of the game of late is to pretty much leave it all up to White to smash us to a decent score/victory...Shaun Marsh, has definitely been disappointing, but does he make Johnson bowl bad? Does he make inane selections at the selection table? Does he make the testicle-less calls not to bowl a potential match-winner? Does he neglect to mention how fucking shithouse Johnson is bowling at present?...Sutherland, well, anyone who knows anything about cricket knows that the guy is a complete fucking boob and has no idea how he got his job. But seriously Robert Craddock, if that's your conclusion then you are an even bigger fucktard then I already knew you were. You could've slagged off Ponting, Johnson, the selectors, Hilditch, the regime in general, but you came up with the most fucking off the mark article in the history of cricket. You're shit, and you know you are and you can seriously go fuck yourself...and then do it again...

But Mostly, Fuck Mitchell Johnson

After the loss in the first ODI, and being subjected to some of the most stupid bowling imaginable...where to begin...okay we'll start here: Fuck you Johnson you piece of shit. And fuck you Michael Clarke for throwing that fucking joker the ball when the game was on the line. Honestly, Clarke/Ponting, what the fuck's the difference? Clarke makes all the same fucked up calls as Ponting does. He just hasn't mastered bringing himself on at the death yet. Seriously, that worked once, and it was all ass rather than class. Johnson and Siddle, as senior bowlers bowling to Malinga and Matthews was just downright unwatchable. I went and tidied the kitchen instead, hoping that when I came back they'd be not bowling anymore. Short, wide, short and wide, legside, every form of a pie-delivery you could think of, they bowled it. It was pretty much business as usual for Johnson. England must have been licking their fucking chops watching that. Siddle seemed to be working on a cunning plan of getting a catch on the boundary off a mistimed hook shot. How about this plan...bowl at or near the fucking stumps and on a length! Hastings wasn't much better but I can forgive him on the grounds he's only played a couple of games. Tim Nielsen describes what he saw: "We kept bowling bouncers that were chest high rather than head high, we bowled a few wides, we bowled a few slower balls that we didn't land properly, and we didn't really do anything out of the ordinary". Yep. Thanks Tim. Now how about you do something about it you giant douchebag. The worst part of it all was that Clarke clearly had no idea what to do. It looked like he was going to break down and cry. Harden the fuck up princess!

But you've got to always look on the bright side. No matter how fucked everything else was, Xavier Doherty was superb. He should be waited on hand and foot by his teammates who fucked him over from the man-of-the-match award in his debut performance...maybe Johnson could give him his Sir Garfield Sobers Trophy, because there's no way he fucking deserves it...