Friday, November 5, 2010

But Mostly, Fuck Mitchell Johnson

After the loss in the first ODI, and being subjected to some of the most stupid bowling imaginable...where to begin...okay we'll start here: Fuck you Johnson you piece of shit. And fuck you Michael Clarke for throwing that fucking joker the ball when the game was on the line. Honestly, Clarke/Ponting, what the fuck's the difference? Clarke makes all the same fucked up calls as Ponting does. He just hasn't mastered bringing himself on at the death yet. Seriously, that worked once, and it was all ass rather than class. Johnson and Siddle, as senior bowlers bowling to Malinga and Matthews was just downright unwatchable. I went and tidied the kitchen instead, hoping that when I came back they'd be not bowling anymore. Short, wide, short and wide, legside, every form of a pie-delivery you could think of, they bowled it. It was pretty much business as usual for Johnson. England must have been licking their fucking chops watching that. Siddle seemed to be working on a cunning plan of getting a catch on the boundary off a mistimed hook shot. How about this plan...bowl at or near the fucking stumps and on a length! Hastings wasn't much better but I can forgive him on the grounds he's only played a couple of games. Tim Nielsen describes what he saw: "We kept bowling bouncers that were chest high rather than head high, we bowled a few wides, we bowled a few slower balls that we didn't land properly, and we didn't really do anything out of the ordinary". Yep. Thanks Tim. Now how about you do something about it you giant douchebag. The worst part of it all was that Clarke clearly had no idea what to do. It looked like he was going to break down and cry. Harden the fuck up princess!

But you've got to always look on the bright side. No matter how fucked everything else was, Xavier Doherty was superb. He should be waited on hand and foot by his teammates who fucked him over from the man-of-the-match award in his debut performance...maybe Johnson could give him his Sir Garfield Sobers Trophy, because there's no way he fucking deserves it...


Dan said...

My brother and I texted back and forth during this shambles and we eventually came to the conclusion that this was the single most retarded ODI performance we'd seen since... oh, since when we lost to Bangladesh a while back or that time we were too stupid to defend 434.

Frankly, to paraphrase Tropic Thunder, we went the Full Retard.

Never Go The Full Retard.

Get Katich into the ODI team now. Sure, he'd be shit, but at least he'd start strangling his idiot teammates.

Captain Carnage said...

Yep, our problems, like Sean Penn's, can be attributed to going th Full Retard:

"Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed..."