MELBOURNE CUP FORM GUIDE

Will be up tomorrow!!!!!!!! In the meantime, here's something to get you punters fired up:

Golden Slipper Preview Out Friday!

Once again WHAB will preview the Golden Slipper with the usual big-talking, witty, yet comprehensive guide to the world's richest 2.y.o race. Can yours truly make it back to back Golden Slipper First Fours?!? Probably not. The odds are stacked against me there, but if I can do it, you'll all hear about it...Glen Boss style! There is nothing open and indeed, nothing else to do on Good Friday until the footy starts, so you have no excuses to not join us and be pointed in the general direction of $cash$...

Dazed and Confused

A couple of A-League games on Friday, another frustrating day of racing, a solid effort by the Socceroos against the Dutch, and then.....nothing. No live sport of any watchable description after 8.30 p.m Saturday night. No NRL, AFL, EPL, A-League, Rugby or cricket. Suddenly, staying in seemed like a really bad decision. I was completely lost and even went to bed around midnight, probably the earliest I've been to bed on a weekend night since I was 12. Confusion aside now, we have begun work on our Caulfield Cup Preview which will be up Friday morning. On an unrelated note, ItMakesMeASadPanda were eventually crowned Fantasy NRL Champions in the Touched By An Eagle League after a sneaky, yet ultimately futile attempt by JB to steal the title. Go PANDAS!!! But enough about the victorious Pandas already, check out our Caulfield Cup guide on Friday.

The Captain's Weekly Rant

Firstly, I need some answers. The 90 mins are up at Old Trafford. It's 3-3 and an undermanned City have played very well, equalising three times, and thoroughly deserve a point at least. The official on the sideline holds up the board that clearly says '4', meaning that there are to be four (4) minutes of added time. Yeah, so there are four (4) minutes of injury time to be played. So can anyone explain to me how Michael Owen is able to score a match-winning goal on 96 fucking minutes? When there is only 4 minutes of added time? Not six. Four (4). Anyone? Only United could win in such dodgy, underhanded fashion. My disdain just keeps on building...

The Dragons went out of the NRL finals in straight sets, crushing my dream of $$$$. After breathing fire all year they ended up with nothing more than a Zoolander "I think I'm getting the black lung Pop" cough. No composure. No game-breakers. No forwards who could catch a fucking ball. No $$$$. The Parra continued to matta at the business end of the season with a spanking of the Titans, as predicted.

St. Kilda and Geelong both navigated their way into the AFL Grand Final. After watching the Eels game, I caught the replay of the Saints vs Bulldogs clash, and it would be fair to say that I was a tense man sometime around 1.30 a.m. Saturday morning when the Dogs hit the front in the final term. Thanks Nick Riewoldt! One more Saints victory and it's some sweet $$$$.

The Wallabies performance against the All Blacks is not worthy of any sort of discussion.

Finally, Trusting put in a third straight unbelievable finish and is going to win the Caulfield Guineas. He may even win the Cox Plate with some luck. $15 in the Cox says he can. He can consider himself drafted into my Star Stable for the Spring. Stay tuned for more on Star Stable later in the week.

What Is Shinju?

After watching Jolie's Shinju run 3rd in the Dato' Tan Chin Nam Stks (not easy to spit out after a couple of cold ones), on a disastrous day of punting where I ran out of available funds, I looked to once and for all answer that age old question...what is Shinju?

Shinju: "double suicide" (Japanese), as in Shinjū ten no Amijima (Double Suicide at Amijima), written by the seventeenth-century tragedist Chikamatsu Monzaemon for the puppet theatre (bunraku and/or joruri theatre).

But that discovery has only led to another pressing question...who is Jolie? Wiki has been unable to help me on that one.

Anyway, Jolie's Shinju is on Facebook.

WHAB in Lockdown

Our writers here at WHAB are currently in quarantine with full-blown Swine Flu. I personally blame dirty QLD'ers like Ben Hannant,

who don't think of the implications that rooting pigs can have on everyone else. Anyway while we've been bunkered down, QLD won Origin I after some highly dubious refereeing decisions, England got rolled by the Netherlands (!!!) in the T20 World Cup, Black Piranha shed his Group 1 bridesmaid tag in the Stradbroke Hcp, Brett Lee bowled an awful array of pies that were smashed to all corners of the Old Dart, the Socceroos officially qualified for South Africa 2010, "Bestial" Ben Hannant slept with a pig and gave everyone even remotely involved in the NRL Swine Flu, Jensen Button (!) continued to make it look like the rest of the field were racing ride-on lawnmowers, and Roger Federer finally blubbered his way to the French Open crown.

Who knows how long we'll be bailed up in this hell-hole with this miserable virus. "Hey JB, throw us another beer will ya!". Yeah this really sucks. "Professor, get the door will ya, that'll be room service!". Anyway, we better get back to being violently ill with this epidemic monstrosity that is Swine Flu. Check out our story in the coming days on Today Tonight and ACA...and be afraid people...be very afraid...it could happen to you.....

Golden Slipper Preview: Out Friday

WHAB will provide readers with a comprehensive Golden Slipper Preview on Friday. Should be up first thing Friday morning so check it out for all the form, tips, nudie run threats, and the Professor's usual Glen Boss bashing. And if we're lucky, Shirtman will add his 20 cents worth in the comments and give it to Gai Waterhouse. A slop-fest it is! Should be fun!

Monday At The Water Cooler

Douche 1: Catch some footy on the weekend guy?

Douche 2: Sure did. I was surprised...I thought after round 1 that the Rabbitohs would win the comp for sure. Now I just don't know.

Douche 1: Yeah, that was a shock. I thought they'd just smash all comers this year with the best halves in the NRL.

Douche 2: Oh well, I guess the moral of the story is "you don't win the comp in round 1".

Douche 1: Yeah, that tenner each you threw on Sandow and Sutton for Dally M might have been a bit premature.

Douche 2: You win some, you lose some.

Douche 1: Yeah, and don't I know it. You know how I put a week's pay on the Brumbies to win the Super 14? Well they lost to the fucking Lions!

Douche 2: You're shittin' me. They looked like they were going along nicely this year.

Douche 1: Yeah, unbelievable. I thought they were a lock.

Douche 2: How about the cricket? How bad did we go?

Douche 1: Yeah, we were rubbish. Just when I thought we had solved our spin problem with McGain.

Douche 2: I know. I've been telling people for ages that Krejza is rubbish and Hauritz and McGain are much, much better.

Douche 1: Must have just had a bad match...maybe he was injured. He'll be better for the run. Anyhow, he's certainly a lot better than that Krejza was.

Douche 2: Totally. Did me arse on the races on Saturday.

Douche 1: Yeah, me too. That's the last time I ever trust Gai Waterhouse.

Douche 2: Was great to see Bossy bag the Group 1 on Typhoon Tracy though. He's the best hoop in the land and I love his victory celebrations.

Douche 1: Ah, Group 1 Glen. Hopefully he rides the Slipper winner. Anyway, better get back to it.

Douche 2: Yeah. Don't work too hard.

WHAB's Top 10 Douchebags For 2008

Another year in sport is almost done and dusted so it's time to reflect on those sportspeople who amazed us with their stupidity, entertained us with their antics, or just downright pissed us off.

Sonny Bill Williams: It's no surprise that we've barely heard any SBW news since he fled Australia, and, I'd venture to say that most people here have forgotten all about the tattooed one who's time in Oz was spent eternally wrapped up in cotton wool. The only thing that Williams excelled at (in the five matches he eked out of each season), the shoulder charge, is illegal in Union. From the vague and infrequent reports from Toulon, the word is that they wasted their money. The man had enormous potential but never reached it because of people like Phil Gould climaxing every time SBW dropped the shoulder. There's much more to the game than dropping the shoulder Gus...segue to next douche on the list.

Phil Gould: It's impossible to have a Top 10 Douchebag list without this clown of a man in it. He's not in here for any single reason; it's more a collection of his yearly dose of obnoxious comments, finger pointing, media whoring, overuse of the phrase "Yeah baby", and his penchant for pumping up the lamest match of the round as a blockbuster. I wonder if there'll ever be 10 more douchier douches that can manage to knock this baffoon off this list.

Greg Bird: We all know you did it. You got hammered and smashed up your pretty girlfriend's face with a glass didn't you? Can't remember eh? You massive, monstrous douche. Enough said.

Todd Carney: So talented, yet just so stupid. One drunken night out after another, incident after incident. You just want to go out with the boys, I get that, but when you start pissing on people, that's going too far son!

Ricky Ponting: Becomes easier to dislike with each passing match and exclusive interview. I'm not going to go on about him too much; our opinion of Ponting is well known here. After all, we named this site in his honour, so all that's left to say is Ricky Ponting...you are a douche!

Andrew Symonds: I was once one of those fans who hoped that Symmo would come good and cement his place in the Aussie cricket team. Now, I couldn't care less. The Symonds soap opera rolls on...and on...and on and I just don't have the time or patience anymore. You either want to play cricket for Australia (the dream of the majority of untalented Aussie blokes) or you don't. It's that simple.

Harbhajan Singh: Was better behaved when Australia toured India (Zaheer is upping the ante on him in the douche stakes), but for his antics on the Australian summer tour and for his bitch-slapping of Sreesanth, I couldn't leave him off this list.

Zaheer Khan: Hates all Australian cricketers (possibly all Australians) because he got sledged when he sucked in the 2003 World Cup final. There are not many members of that team still going around, but he hates us just the same, and carries on like a complete tool when he picks up an Aussie scalp. Needs a good kick in the nuts.

Alan Didak: Honestly, how many times can you be in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Plaxico Burress: Being a man who can only wish that he played in the NFL, with athletic prowess, earning millions, being lauded by fans and winning Superbowl rings, nothing agitates me more than a wayward star...except a really stupid wayward star. Everyone got problems man. The answer is not in taking a loaded gun to a packed niteclub in New York City and shooting yourself in the leg. In fact, you should never shoot yourself in the leg, ever. Your teammates, the fans, and the punters who took the Giants at $17 to go back-to-back deserve better. You are a douchey man.

Let me know if I missed anyone!

WHAB's Melbourne Cup edition

Our annual Melbourne Cup preview will be up on Monday morning. Get all the latest on "the race that stops a nation" from three punters who will actually be there! There's nowhere WHAB won't go...no matter how tough!

WHAB on theroar.com.au

Nominate and vote for the article below our Beijing Hockey preview at theroar.com.au at the following link and join NRLFASSR today!

WHAB's Sunday Session

There isn't really much that needs saying about last night's Bledisloe Cup match. You all saw it. It was like going back in time to the late Eddie Jones/Knuckles era. Although I think if Knuckles was still in charge New Zealand would have racked up 70. The All Blacks were fantastic and utterly destroyed us in the forwards. The Wallabies missed Elsom badly but even the Rock wouldn't have made much difference. A hammering in every sense of the word.

Good to see Novak Djokovic taking it to Nadal at Cincinnati. Having three guys battling for the number one ranking and the upcoming U.S. Open is great for tennis fans.

From the most unlikely source, five-eighth of the often boring Cronulla Sharks, Brett Seymour, came the pass of the year last night. I've found that a behind the back pass like that is actually really hard to do a). without throwing the ball forward and/or b). without losing control of the ball and looking completely retarded. If you also made the ill-advised choice to watch the Wallabies get spanked instead, check out the highlights on www.foxports.com.au.

Five sleeps until the opening ceremony for the Beijing Games. Stay tuned as we wrap up our Olympic previews this week...

WHAB's Weekly Wrap

First things first. Since news broke that Sonny Bill Williams has wiped his ass with the contract he signed with the Bulldogs, we at WHAB realised that we have long overlooked something. SBW plays a handful of games every year. In those games he sometimes puts on a big hit or two. Sometimes he scores a try out wide. Never does he hit the ball up as much as a second rower should. Never has he rattled off 50 plus tackles in a match. His Test performances for NZ have been largely mediocre. The guy comes up well short on his reputation as one of the game's great players, a reputation which has been built around numerous trips to see Phil Gould and the Footy Show and numerous other interviews and press conferences. For someone who claims to be shy and reserved he's turned into quite the media whore. And as such, for all the above reasons, I induct thee, Sonny Bill Williams, into WHAB's Hall of the Over-rated (a hall within the Hall of Shrutebaginess), where he joins 2008 player of the year leader Johnathon Thurston.

What a Test match on Saturday night. Not just because the Wallabies were victorious but for the standard of play. Two teams with a positive approach = great rugby! Some outstanding attacking play in the backs and some gutsy play from the Wallabies pack, particularly the front row. Deans is a Supercoach! We don't like to bandy that word around here too often but New Zealand now fully realise the extent of their stupidity in re-signing Graham Henry. Let's hope for more of the same this weekend.

I have never seen a side with twice as much talent as their opponents play as negatively as Parramatta did against the Cowboys. On that performance they are not even a chance to make the top eight.

Despite Melbourne and Manly losing on the weekend, there shouldn't be alarm bells ringing in either camp. The Storm found their attack blunted by the conditions in Auckland while the Sea-Eagles were down on muscle and had an off day against the Roosters.

Geelong knocked off third placed Hawthorn...without their best player.

Rafael Nadal continued his quest for the number one ranking by winning the Toronto Masters. Federer was a first round casualty. Rafa is now only 300 points behind Federer and if results go his way, he has a chance to take top spot in Cincinnati this week. In past U.S. hardcourt seasons, Nadal has looked tired and off the pace but he looks in good shape, both physically and mentally at the moment, and continues to firm in U.S. Open betting.

Last but not least, the Cadel Evans tilt at Le Tour is over with another second place finish. Sastre and his big budget CSC team proved to much for Evans and his team of sprinters and climbing riff-raff. Maybe next year...

Weekend Wrap...

Only a few things to comment on over the weekend. I got out to some live football at Brookvale on Friday night to see two teams that I don't have much love for go head to head, with Manly dissecting Parramatta by 28-10. Other than that, work kept me far too busy to catch a lot of sport.

Most of the fallout from that game is related to Parramatta's ineptitude. Much of that is valid. Parramatta present a forward pack that looks done. In fact, it is hard to recall a team where so many marquee names have fallen away in the space of one season. Cayless and Hindmarsh, seen to be the backbone of the pack for almost a decade look done. Riddell as always looks decent on the ball in patches, but the Riddell story has long been one of promise that was undelivered. The notion of a professional athlete being as out of condition as Riddell is disgraceful. His only job is to play sport. It's not like he spends his days filling out TPS reports.










The casualty from Parramatta's shocking run: Joel Reddy. Blaming Joel Reddy for Parramatta's woes is akin to blaming those scheming Swedes for starting WWII. Reddy is a serviceable centre who offers good defence and some solid gains on the ball. Think of him as a poor man's Nathan Grey playing the wrong code 10 years later. Reddy has been about the most reliable option for the Eels all year.




The other story from Friday night's game - and the sadly neglected one - is that Manly are very, very good. Without Orford, they lacked a little bit of creativity and some kicking options were a little bit poor, however superior fitness and a massively underrated group of forwards wore their opposition down. Without doing much during the offseason personnel wise, they look to be a far superior team to last years unit. I am thinking that at $4.50 that they can stick around with the Storm this year.




Anyway, having now visited every NRL stadium in Sydney/Brisbane I think it might be fun to compare them. But that will be for a later post. Brookie at this stage is my second favourite NRL stadium. More to come later.




Tour de France is hotting up. Cadel Evans on fire! $2.20 to win the whole thing... Got in a lot earlier, more out of national pride than anything else. I have watched most of the Tour on SBS. Still don't understand it all, but loving the Gate culinary tour of France and the French scenery.


Enjoy your week, and keep reading the official blog (TM) of the Cadel Evans Tour Tilt!

Pay Per Post

Hi all,

You may notice some changes to the blog over the next couple of months. Just a result of our dissatisfaction with our old system of advertising and our desire to make the blog more interesting (and lucrative).

We have shut down our annoying advertisements and moved over to a new system. We hope you enjoy the change. We were looking for a system where we could have more control over the advertising content of our page and we have found one.

We discussed at length with some friends in the blogging community and they recommended Pay Per Post.

We are now able to select what we advertise via Pay Per Post. We find that the major benefit of this is that we can pick our opportunities to ad's that are more tailored to our blog. The community of bloggers is fantastic and the system is easy to use. The web based video tutorials gave us all we need to start advertising and there is a lot of help available to us on the forum pages.

Of course, it certainly helps that they pay really well!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the changes we have made. Myself and the guys will still be posting the same brand of sports journalism and misguided rage that we are best at.

We are excited by the change. Please let us know what you think in the comments.

Thanks,

word of mouth ethics

WHAB Crew.

Musings On The Week In Sport...

Just waiting for confirmation today from Robert Finch that Gavin Badger had a terrific game last night and that those complaining about the 19 penalties, three sin-binnings and the send-off of Jason Ryles are nothing but whingers and sore losers.

The two-horse race between Casey Stoner and Valentino Rossi at Laguna Seca was some of the best MotoGP racing I've seen. Unfortunately for Stoner, Rossi came home in front, showing his champion qualities under extreme pressure.

The Wallabies put in a top performance to knock over the Springboks. Sure it wasn't a high-scoring, end to end affair but the battle in the forwards was great stuff. It was a relief to see the improvements in our scrum and line-out and it was Al Baxter's least shite performance ever, though it will take a lot more than that to forgive past hopelessness (i.e trying to run around the winger on the last play of the match whilst in field goal range and down by two against England in our World Cup quarter-final). Under Robbie Deans the Wallabies look much more organised and structured and seem to have a game plan and objective, all of which were sorely lacking under "Knuckles". Seriously, what did we ever do to deserve "Knuckles" as coach?!

That was about all I was able to catch this week as I was away visiting the in-laws...Stay classy WHAB readers.

This is just awesome...

Christian News site One News Now is so homophobic that they have installed a filter to change all instances of the word Gay to Homosexual!


As always with the Christian Right, hilarity ensues.

De-Ponsifying Equestrian

The Captains equestrian preview post has given us at WHAB a golden idea for the Olympics.

Equestrian has a few things we like:

1) Horses in sport

2) It will be on TV...

And a few things we don't like

1) No form

2) No gambling

3) It's so poncy!

4) Horses prance, don't sprint

5) It's really, really gay.

6) No natural association with drinking.

Point 6 is the easiest one to deal with. It's just a matter of discipline. Every time you sit down and the equestrian is on, crack a beer open. It might be tough, but do it for Australia. Do it for yourself. Discipline. Think Shao Lin monk discipline.

Given the rules of equestrian, point 4 is a given. So too, points 3 and 5. But here at WHAB, lets help out with an equestrian form guide! And a Market!!

1. Rod Brown and Mr Burns

Form: 12 - 0 - 2 -3

Wet: 2 - 0 - 1 - 1

Price: $6

Ponce factor: Name is cool, however the horse appears to have a braided mane. Either his six year old daughter is involved or there is some serious man horse love afoot. [Research update: They almost all have braided manes]

Info: Was originally named Mr. Smithers. Still a maiden but in the hands of "Cups King" Bartholemew J Sinclair III so always a threat!

2. Matthew Dowsley and Cinderella

Form: First Starter

Price: $4.50

Ponce Factor: Fat guy riding a horse called Cinderella whilst wearing a top hat.

Info: $4 million dollar yearling out of Equestrian Superstar "Sodomy Express." Loves the jumps and bred to prance all day.

3. Andrew Hoy and Master Monarch

Form: 28 - 4 - 5 - 3

Price: $3.80

Ponce Factor: Horse chose Equestrian World Cup after successful Dubbo Maiden. Could have been a star of the real turf. Chose this.

Info: Will love a little sting out of the ground. Best work has been done the English way of prancing. Untested the Chinese way.

4. Andrew Nicholson and Henry Tankerville

Form: 4 - 0 - 0 -1

Price: $14

Ponce Factor: Seems to be named after some handsome stranger in a Jane Austin book. But which one's the horse?!

Info: Still a maiden, but has been crying out for some Olympic distance prancing. One for the multiples.

5. Miss Stephanie Thompson and Jacko's Delight

Form: 4 - 2 - 1 -0

Racing Form: 3 - 1 - 0 - 0

Price: $12

Ponce Factor: Whilst that Jacko from the XXXX ads is a bit of an ass clown, there is little gayness on show here. Of course, a horse called Jacko's Delight might be willing to kill the foo' who tries to braid his mane.

Info: Slashing maiden winner at Dalby in 2006. Always set for better things though - little did he know that it was prancing! Treats the other horses with the disdain of a former champion of the true turf.

6. Herman Ibarien (Esp) and Conquistador

Form: 108 - 1 - 19 -48

Price: $2.50

Ponce Factor: Comes from a country where this is considered a manly pursuit. However, will wear the tightest pants.

Info: The Spanish Champion Conquistador, like many of his countries sporting teams, come in to these events with a sound reputation. Only to be knocked out at the group stage by Senegal or some such.

7. Miss Julia Crowson and Sonic Boom

Form 10 - 1 - 0 - 0

Price: $51

Ponce Factor: Was there anyone gayer in Street Fighter than Guile? Okay, so Ken and Ryu were gayer than Guile. Maybe even Zangief you big bear, you. But still.

Info: Making up the numbers. One win was in the automatic qualifier for the Olympics - the African Cup. The African Cup qualification route is a lot like the Qld Derby - Melbourne Cup route. That is, not good. Not good at all.

Poll Results

Our poll has sparked worldwide interest in the condition known as Incurable Neckitis. For more information on this subject go to www.incurableneckitis/health.gov.au. Donations can also be made out to:

The Brent Tate Foundation
Locked Bag 50
Turtleneck, QLD 4889.

Time wasting!

The Captain's constant California Games references in his last post got me keen to play a little of this:


Here is a nice link. You can play this and other PHAT games from the past online.