Friday, June 20, 2008

De-Ponsifying Equestrian

The Captains equestrian preview post has given us at WHAB a golden idea for the Olympics.
Equestrian has a few things we like:

1) Horses in sport
2) It will be on TV...

And a few things we don't like

1) No form
2) No gambling
3) It's so poncy!
4) Horses prance, don't sprint
5) It's really, really gay.
6) No natural association with drinking.

Point 6 is the easiest one to deal with. It's just a matter of discipline. Every time you sit down and the equestrian is on, crack a beer open. It might be tough, but do it for Australia. Do it for yourself. Discipline. Think Shao Lin monk discipline.
Given the rules of equestrian, point 4 is a given. So too, points 3 and 5. But here at WHAB, lets help out with an equestrian form guide! And a Market!!

1. Rod Brown and Mr Burns
Form: 12 - 0 - 2 -3
Wet: 2 - 0 - 1 - 1
Price: $6
Ponce factor: Name is cool, however the horse appears to have a braided mane. Either his six year old daughter is involved or there is some serious man horse love afoot. [Research update: They almost all have braided manes]

Info: Was originally named Mr. Smithers. Still a maiden but in the hands of "Cups King" Bartholemew J Sinclair III so always a threat!

2. Matthew Dowsley and Cinderella
Form: First Starter
Price: $4.50
Ponce Factor: Fat guy riding a horse called Cinderella whilst wearing a top hat.
Info: $4 million dollar yearling out of Equestrian Superstar "Sodomy Express." Loves the jumps and bred to prance all day.

3. Andrew Hoy and Master Monarch
Form: 28 - 4 - 5 - 3
Price: $3.80
Ponce Factor: Horse chose Equestrian World Cup after successful Dubbo Maiden. Could have been a star of the real turf. Chose this.
Info: Will love a little sting out of the ground. Best work has been done the English way of prancing. Untested the Chinese way.

4. Andrew Nicholson and Henry Tankerville
Form: 4 - 0 - 0 -1
Price: $14
Ponce Factor: Seems to be named after some handsome stranger in a Jane Austin book. But which one's the horse?!
Info: Still a maiden, but has been crying out for some Olympic distance prancing. One for the multiples.

5. Miss Stephanie Thompson and Jacko's Delight
Form: 4 - 2 - 1 -0
Racing Form: 3 - 1 - 0 - 0
Price: $12
Ponce Factor: Whilst that Jacko from the XXXX ads is a bit of an ass clown, there is little gayness on show here. Of course, a horse called Jacko's Delight might be willing to kill the foo' who tries to braid his mane.
Info: Slashing maiden winner at Dalby in 2006. Always set for better things though - little did he know that it was prancing! Treats the other horses with the disdain of a former champion of the true turf.

6. Herman Ibarien (Esp) and Conquistador

Form: 108 - 1 - 19 -48
Price: $2.50
Ponce Factor: Comes from a country where this is considered a manly pursuit. However, will wear the tightest pants.
Info: The Spanish Champion Conquistador, like many of his countries sporting teams, come in to these events with a sound reputation. Only to be knocked out at the group stage by Senegal or some such.
7. Miss Julia Crowson and Sonic Boom
Form 10 - 1 - 0 - 0
Price: $51
Ponce Factor: Was there anyone gayer in Street Fighter than Guile? Okay, so Ken and Ryu were gayer than Guile. Maybe even Zangief you big bear, you. But still.
Info: Making up the numbers. One win was in the automatic qualifier for the Olympics - the African Cup. The African Cup qualification route is a lot like the Qld Derby - Melbourne Cup route. That is, not good. Not good at all.

1 comment:

Captain Carnage said...

Think I definitely want a front runner at Beijing with the possibility of leader bias...a 3.y.o with no weight could be the go...Any claims for apprentices at Beijing?