EQUESTRIAN, BEIJING 2008

Equestrian is the gay distant relative of thoroughbred racing. It is far less exciting and you're not likely to find a bar or bookmaker in sight. The horses prance instead of charging down the home straight and the jockeys wear pompous button-up jackets rather than colourful racing silks. There's very hush-hush commentary similar to that in golf as opposed to the excitable tones of a race caller. Beijing officials, in an attempt to spice up this dreary sport, snuck this guy into the Chinese squad:

Boring things can always be made more fun with martial arts stuntmen. So then, Chan will compete in Individual & Team Dressage, Individual & Team Jumping, and Individual & Team Eventing. Let's just clear one thing up:

dres.sage / drəˈsäzh/: The art of riding and training a horse in a manner that develops obedience, flexibility, and balance.

Okay then...sounds like fun. Australia's Andrew Hoy, looking to compete at a seventh Olympics, has become embroiled in an animal cruelty case. It's alleged that one of his pupils used spiked boots on her horse to make it jump higher. Hoy is denying any responsibility and rightly so. When asked for comment he said "I'm absolutely convinced someone is out to get me".

What did you expect? Drugs, booze, wild sex-romps, illegal bookies and high speed car chases in an equestrian scandal?!