Beijing Wrap-up...

The best thing about the games for me was sitting at home watching sport instead of daytime crap TV when I was sick. More specifically though, I think the most awesome performance of the games was Kenenisa Bekele in the mens 5000m. Reasons I loved this was it feels like a horse race. There is strategy and you think a better commentator than BRUUCE would talk about runners having "the drop" or being "one out one back." Apart from that, it was just insane watching Bekele make a dash from the 2000m mark and drop runners one by one as he continuously ramped up the pace.

The worst performance of the games, Griggs and Daddo. Channel 7 in general. Whilst finals are going on all around, I have to watch a 10 minute montage of the "best of yum cha???" Go fuck yourself Channel 7. Oh yeah, and thanks for your constant reminders of how awesome your closing ceremony previews are going to be, while there is actual sport on.  About the only intelligence in Channel 7s coverage was Matthew White who had far too little work to do. 

The talking point that no one wants to talk about. Phelps' 7th gold medal that wasn't. Seriously, does anyone actually think that he touched the wall first. I am not trying to cut the guy down because his performance was phenomenal, but he did not touch first on that 7th gold.  Did any of Channel 7's Olympic analysts feel the need to mention this at all, or do they see the benefit of keeping mum about things as well. Seemingly, the commentators thought that making an inference about Phelps' record would be a career move as solid as making as AIDS joke and avoided it. The FINA release seems to suggest that Cavic didn't touch "hard enough" to stop the timing mechanism. But he touched it, right? 

Anyway, the games are over. As "exciting" as it all was, they realistically sit here in my pantheon of sports carnivals so I am not really shedding a tear.

Soccer World Cup

Rugby World Cup

Cricket World Cup

Olympics

Rugby League World Cup - hA! 

Sick of questioning the market value of Stephanie Rice?? Good for you. A more interesting poll due up soon.

Chow Mein Episode 2

Having been pissed and watching EPL all Saturday night, I missed the men's 100m final and went searching on youtube. I clicked on a promising looking Usain "In The Membrane" Bolt video only to be told "You've been Rick-Rolled Bitch!!!" and greeted with Rick Astley's gay anthem "Never Gonna Give You Up". I'll pay that.

The Captain has been on fire on the Games punt, having a piece of the Boomers at $5.25 to roll Lithuania (and how) and hitting them with 31.5 points start against the U.S (with 0.5 to spare!). A last minute bet on Bolt to break the 200m world record at $4 also worked a treat.

It's pretty scary wondering just how fast Usain "In The Membrane" can go. To try and find out, my touch football team has an "annual" (usually every three years by the time it's organised) foot race, a la the Stawell Gift, which we'll be inviting him to. "Free piss for the winner" probably won't be enough for him to accept, but maybe the possibility of another WR might appeal. Being a handicap, Bolt's staggered start will be a block away, he'll need to swim across a pond, rescuing a drowning child in the process, scale a large fence (possibly electric), fight off a pack of ferocious guard dogs, before picking his way through a field of slow/old/fat/drunk/tackled and sprawled on the ground runners blocking his path to the finish line. Bolt has been installed as $1.02 favourite.

After crossing the line third in the 200m, Wallace Spearmon did a lap of the stadium with the American flag held aloft and found every camera on the way, telling everyone back home "I'm number three baby. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Ooh yeah baby, that's right, number three". He finished his lap before being told he'd been disqualified about five minutes earlier...

Chow Mein

Welcome to WHAB's answer to Channel 7's gay Yum Cha program. Chow Mein will look at the lighter side of the games with exclusive interviews.

Liesel Jones has caused a stir by saying she "couldn't care less" about losing her pet event. This is akin to Rafael Nadal losing the French Open and saying "I'm just happy in my life" or "it is just such a small margin of my life". One wonders why Jones would get up at 4 a.m every morning in the middle of winter to train if she was so blase about her swimming. But as long she "had the best time and the most important time" winning silver in an event she has dominated for years, I guess that's the main thing.

A Games official has speculated that Michael Phelps may not be a human being, but in fact a robot. "No human could love swimming so much" said the official who wanted to remain anonymous. "Let's face it, it's a pretty boring sport and training for eight different events, that would be hella boring" he said. The official suggested that Phelps was some sort of "swimming machine, like the Terminator in a laser suit".

The highlight of Beijing 2008 so far is the dummy spit from Swedish Roman-Greco wrestler Aha Abrahamian. WHAB caught up with him just after his hissy fit, and he was still hot under the collar; "What a load of shit. I don't want a shitty bronze medal. A bronze in wrestling, no-one will remember that. Fucking referees. I know how the Canberra Raiders feel now with all those bad video ref decisions. I've put so much into this fucking sport and to get dudded by someone who didn't know the rules...I mean how many people would there be in the world who don't know the rules to wrestling? Not many, if any. Fuck it."

Usain "In The Membrane" Bolt won the men's 100m sprint and broke the world record sparking predictable headlines across the Australian media such as "Lightning Bolt" and "Bolt in the Night".

Bruce vs Rabs

Bruce McAvaney, love or loathe him, knows his shit. He can cover many sports, each seemingly with as much knowledge as the others. He never makes Johanna Griggs-esque pronunciation mistakes. His commentary style is quasi-excitable yet understated. Never over the top. But therein, often lies the problem. I almost switched off Stephanie Rice's swimming final thinking it was just another heat because he was calling it as if it was a heat. I was outraged. It was such a close race and yet he didn't even slightly raise his voice. Didn't even tell me how "special" it was. It left me pining for some classic Rabs grandstand finish commentary:

"Rice! Coventry! Coventry! Rice! Rice in 5! Coventry 4! Rice! Coventry! Coventry! Rice! Stroke for stroke! There's nothing in it! They hit it! AND RICE GETS THE GOLD! That's gold for Australia, put away the glasses! Coventry brave in defeat but Rice wins! There was dead-set just a poofteenth in it"!

Superfish not Great White Shark Jr.

Congratulations Leisel Jones on winning the third Gold medal for Australia at the Beijing Olympics.

Until this breakthrough win, I had gotten to speculating about the greatest cover-up in Australian sports. The idea that Leisel Jones was the illegitimate child of one G. Norman.

Think about it, both in their prime sported golden locks of an identical length. Both enjoyed a love-hate relationship with the media. And most importantly, both had the notorious knack for choking on the big stage.

                            

 Uncanny resemblance or something more???

In fact, halfway down the final lap of today's 100m Breaststroke final, I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Leisel to miss the swimming equivalent of a 2 foot put. Leisel misses the 18th fairway. Three putts and drops the race to a Spaniard.

It was not to be. Greg Norman and Leisel Jones can now sleep safe in the knowledge that I wont be collecting DNA swabs in order to conduct an ad-hoc paternity test.

Leisel Jones, rejoice! The Shark has not passed down his ghoulish recessive choke gene. Unfortunate as well to some extent, a paternity suit might have landed you the rights to some of the "Great White Sharks" super business ideas:

According to the tasting notes, this "Petite Syrah 2004" is robust for the first 17 glasses with flavours of blackcurrant and the aroma of fresh cut grass, however the 18th glass always disappoints as it has no depth on the palate, tastes like a three-putt and has the aroma of someone trying on your green jacket.

The Petite Syrah 2004, is best accompanied with lashings of failure.

Drink it while someone is claiming the British Open Trophy!

Best Drunk after a 72nd hole meltdown.

LOST:

12 pairs of green basketball pants. Last seen at Beijing Olympic Basketball Gymnasium. If found, please return to Australian Olympic basketball squad.

The Beijing Games Thus Far...

The Olyroos had their chances against Argentina. In saying that, they didn't look like scoring. When a chance was created they were like possums frozen in car headlights, bewildered that they had an opening on goal against such a quality opponent. You can't fault the boys for their effort though. They defended well under immense pressure, but lacked the quality up front to convert their own chances. A must win game coming up now against Cote d'Ivoire who hit four goals past Serbia.

A thoroughly disappointing effort from the Boomers against Croatia. The 15 point loss was flattering and Australia' perimeter defense was about as good as my Wednesday night team's perimeter defense. European teams invariably contain great shooters but we seemed totally unprepared for their outside threat. That was all I could gather from the 15 minutes or so that Channel 7 squeezed into their coverage at around 11.30 on Sunday night. After another thousand swimming heats. We take on defending Olympic champions Argentina today.

Liesel has "grown so much as a person" and "discovered herself" and can now finally, after being the best in her pet event for countless years, win Olympic GOLD!!!

Equestrian sucks balls. Why there is any coverage of this I have no idea. The most exciting part of equestrian is when the horse takes an untimely dump, or drains the slug.

China are Michael Phelps away from busting the gold medal tally wide open.

Beijing 2008: Weightlifting!

Damian Brown is a man in the hotseat. He is calling the weighlifting at Beijing and has the shadow of Darrell Eastlake hovering over him. It's hard to see him living up to "Big Daz"; the only reason people used to tune into weighlifting was to hear Daz holler for all he was worth and make a complete ass clown out of himself. After numerous cameos on 12th Man records, and many near misses with heart failure, Eastlake has moved on from sports commentating. You can now hire him to MC a work function or your wedding reception. Fee range B puts him in charge of your mic for a very reasonable $3001-$5000.

Anyway, in the fair dinkum department, the best part of weightlifting is the horrible injuries that can occur when the lifter crumbles under the weight of the bar.

Walk it off champ, you'll be just fine...

I was totally surprised recently to see that Bulgaria had withdrawn their entire weightlifting team from Beijing after 11 members of the squad tested positive to 'roids. And before that I was stunned when 11 Greek lifters tested positive to the gear. Thank God they've caught all the drug cheats now. It would be embarrassing for the sport if lifters won gold medals then tested positive and fled the country clutching their medals, like Shooter McGavin fled clutching his Gold Jacket.

Anyway, that's all the weightlifting I can stomach for now. Searching for weightlifting injury pictures on the internet, I got more than I bargained for, and have scarred my brain for life. I don't think I'll ever be able to watch this sport again. But for the rest of you, enjoy the weightlifting and it's lovely ladies.

OLYROOS 1 : SERBIA 1

Well first off let me apologise for hyping you up into a state of frenzy regarding Gordon Bray calling last nights game - it was far, far worse, Mike 'who the hell is this guy' McCann. Channel 7 couldn't even be bothered putting their main announcer on for the game. If you stuck around after the game to hear the wrap up from the other games you would have been screaming out for Alastair Mann who called the Argentina v Ivory Coast game or even John Roder who called the Brazil v Belgium game. McCann called the game with team sheet in one hand and Google in the other. His comments were stale, uninsightful and with long silences in the game.

But enough of that, back to the game. Bridge upfront was absolutely invisible, whereas Archie Thompson made some good runs and used his pace well. Celeski put in some forgettable crosses in a game which will not live long in his memory. I wouldn't be surprised to see Troisi, who spent the game on the bench, get the start against Argentina. I must admit in what I have seen of Troisi he is yet to live up to his hype, but as one of only a few who have gotten their cap in the senior squad and based on Celeski's performance last night, Arnold, the impotent coach should make the switch. Federici was sound in between the posts although not looking overly comfortable when the ball was passed back to him, taking one or two bad choices in clearing the ball. Nothing much could be done about the powerful header which saw Serbia equal the scores. McClenahan ran hard all game but often lacked the class to beat his man and on several occasions was beaten in one on one situations, although he worked hard to try and win it back. Miligan took a nasty kick to the back of his calf around the 30th minute mark but has been cleared for Sunday's game against the Argies. Sarkies came on late for Thompson when Australia were in the lead but didn't see enough of the game to make an impact. Spiranovic and Topor-Stanley were Australia's best on the night in my opinion. Under constant pressure but were strong and worked well together to weather many raids on the Aussie goal. Zadkovich got Australia's goal and was a terrier much of the game. A few glimpses of both talent and stupidity, and what about that hair. Carney looked like a spark with some of his touches and was largely responsible for Ausralia's goal. North was strong in the back and kept the backline organised in the absence of Milligan.

Australia relied way to much on long balls out of their own half and made way too many turn overs in the midfield. The group is still wide open for the Aussies to progress; Serbia had turned many heads in qualifying for the games, but the Argies and the Cote turned more heads in their opening game. It's going to be tough and the boys will need to show a lot more innovation than they did in this game. Although much has been said of their better than most preparation, let's not forget that its been without much success. For those looking to the future Socceroos in the squad, be impressed with Spiranovic but lets hope they can all lift a notch or two.

Beijing Preview: Swimming

It has to be done.

Sure you have heard great detail about the Olympic swimming over the last month.

Every time you open a paper, turn on the TV: Swimming.

Olympics coverage = swimming coverage.

This post could be yet another hypothetical "how many gold medals will Australia win in the pool?" or another puff piece about how "Leisel Jones turned her life around" or even more annoying "The traumas of having a long-distance relationship."

** Editors note, Are there really any traumas in a long distance relationship?? My experience suggests that the infrequent meetings are purely sexual, and not based on sitting on the couch watching McLeods Daughters..The other 75%+ of your free time is dedicated to your mates and watching sport. The TRAUMA.**

And the "Duel in the Pool" crap is not on here. In a lot of races, the Dutch, South Africans and Chinese will push Australia. If an Aussie can't win. Back the Jaaapie. If South African accents aren't funny as fuck at the best of times, wait until you hear one that is struggling to breathe.

Anyway, you know that this will be the highlight in terms of Australian gold medal tallies already.

If you are anything like me, you personally hate the sport but are a pretty hardcore patriot and this makes for must see viewing.

You probably also don't relate to the swimmers personally. You find their clean-cut lifestyle and lack of body hair disconcerting. You want more personality. More public urination. You probably would have sent in an application form for Nick D'Arcy to be Australian of the year if he didn't have one of those untrustworthy apostrophes in his name and had punched someone more deserving, like this guy:

But as it stands with all of the key injuries suffered by the athletics team, half of the events being rigged by China and the rest of the sports being really lame that this could be (in the words of Roy and HG) our worst games since Montreal*. As such swimming is going to be where most of our patriotic joy comes from.

In fact, if pubs offered free beer in the second week of the games for every gold medal won by Australia, there could be some damn happy publicans. And no one wants to see that.

Anyway some things to watch at the pool:

1. GOLD! Lots of sweet GOLD!

2. In a Happy Gilmore-esque moment, after winning silver Leisel Jones takes off the swimming equivalent of a skate and stabs a guy.

3. Dorky swimming celebrations. Who could forget the lamitude that was the air-guitar.

4. Ray Warren turns up in Max Walker fashion and demands to call the races.

I've got this big mother-fucking cricket bat that says: `I can'

5. Chinese women's swim team turn up looking like Chinese mens swim team. Speedo rep denies that the new suits add 20 kgs of muscle and a pair of testicles.

6. Some tight races. The 1500m swimming is boring as bat shit, right? Well, yes. But it should be close. Unlike 8 years ago when Grant Hackett could sit on the blocks after the race started and have a cigarette and a schooner before jumping in, this should be tight.

Anyway, it should be exciting. Unlike watching the Ashes series in England which made me come back to playing cricket, and the soccer World Cup making me take up soccer again, rest assured that when Grant Hackett wins another 1500, I won't be signing up for swimming lessons at 5:00AM. Swimming is teh suck.

* N.B. If Montreal has a real similarity to anything it is the Sydney games. Both games involved the building of a monstrosity of a stadium that no one ever wants to go to. For more information see the death of baseball in Montreal or the upcoming death of at least one Sydney league team.

BEIJING 2008: FOOTBALL

Since 1992, players of men's Olympic football must be under 23 years of age with three over 23 players allowed per squad. This arrangement was forged between the IOC and FIFA as a comprimise to boost the significance and quality of the Olympic competition without comprimising the FIFA World Cup and complementing their under 17 and under 20 tournaments.

Nigeria and Cameroon won gold in 96 and 00 respectively with Argentina the defending champions taking it out in Athens. Australia first qualified in the 56 Melbourne games as host nation and didn't requalify until 88. From 88 the Olyroos have successfully qualified for every games since with their best result being a fourth in the 92 Barcelona games.

Women's football has been in the olympics since 96 and the lovely Matildas qualified in 00 as host nation and again in Athens. Unfortunately the ladies failed to qualify for Beijing so unfortunately we don't have any calendars to look forward to.

The draw for the Beijing games is as follows:
Group A: Ivory Coast (but please how cool is saying Cote d'Ivoire), Serbia, Argentina, Australia
Group B: Netherlands, USA, Nigeria, Japan
Group C: China, Belgium, New Zealand, Brazil
Group D: South Korea, Italy, Cameroon, Honduras

The Olyroos face Serbia on August 7th, Argentina on the 10th, and Cote d'Ivoire on the 13th. Coach G. "I don't know what I'm doing" Arnold is confident he can steer the Olyroos to match, or better their last Olympic's result of making it to the quarter finals, but hey he was confident the Socceroos would win the Asian Cup.

The Olyroos squad picked for the games is as follows:
Mark Bridge (Sydney FC)
Billy Celeski (Melbourne Victory)
Adam Federici (Reading, England)
Neil Kilkenny (Leeds United, England)
Adrian Leijer (Fulham Athletic, England)
Trent McClenahan (uncontracted)
Mark Milligan (uncontracted)
Stuart Musialik (Sydney FC)
Nikita Rukavytsya (Perth Glory)
Kristian Sarkies (Adelaide United)
Matthew Spiranovic (FC Nurnberg, Germany)
Nikolai Topor-Stanley (Perth Glory)
James Troisi (uncontracted)
Tando Velaphi (Perth Glory)
Rueben Zadkovich (Derby County, England)

Overage players
David Carney (Sheffield United, England)
Archie Thompson (Melbourne Victory)
Jade North (Newcastle Jets)
















The real talk has been regarding European clubs releasing stars to play at the Olympics. Most notably is the defiant Batista (Argie coach) demanding that Lionel Messi be allowed to play all Olympic games despite Barcelona taking the matter to the court of arbitration for sport and succesfully overturning the original FIFA decision that clubs are obliged to release players for the Olympics. Will he stay or will he go? Who knows, FIFA is pleading that clubs conform to the spirit of the games and allow players to participate without retribution, but it will be something to keep an eye on before laying your bets.

Finally, Channel 7 have decided to cover the games as opposed to leaving them to their much better qualified broadcasting partner SBS. Fans of the game have not forgotten Channel 7's previous football coverage which has included missing goals due to ad breaks. I have no faith in Channel 7 nor Gordon Bray who has been named as match announcer. The game against Serbia is not only delayed but will be interrupted to announce who is going to be the flag bearer at the opening ceremony. Now word is that US broadcaster NBC is going to stream many of the Olympic football games live online. So instead of having to put up with the usual bullshit Olympic mash that Channel 7 broadcast you should be able to get Australia v Argentina live and uninterrupted. Follow this link and then sign up for live Olympic coverage (use for example 62260 as a valid zip code and charter communications as cable provider when asked).

Look out for some strong perfomances from Milligan and Troisi, both talented and both still looking for clubs. To be honest, I'm more concerned about Arnold as coach then I am any of the squad selections, but you can bet I will be cheering them on to gold and glory.

Beijing 2008: Table Tennis

It's amazing how a sport we play for fun in the garage, usually while pissed off our heads, is so huge in China. The top four men in the ITTF world rankings and top five women are Chinese. With the 7,557 strong home crowd behind them, it will be a brave man to bet against a Chinese clean sweep of the individual and team events. Spare a thought for Ma Long who is ranked 4th in the world and has to watch from the stands, while Eric "The Eel" equivalents get their asses folded and handed neatly back to them by his illustrious team-mates. So as China hammer all-comers unmercifully, as the loony fans packed into the Peking University Gymnasium scream for blood, the billions watch proudly on TV in all corners of the host nation, and we see none of it on Channel 7...well I was going to go into the finer points of the speed drive, loop drive, flip, smash, push, block, push-block, chop, side drive, lob and drop shot, but there doesn't seem to be much point if we aren't going to see any of it. So instead here's a little something that might improve your game at home:

Australia are represented in the women by Miao Miao, Jian Fang Lay and Stephanie Sang. Miao Miao is looking to experiment with a revolutionary outfit at Beijing:

Good luck with that...

William Henzell is at $501 to win the gold and you can write your own ticket on David Zalcberg and Kyle Davis. Henzell has become a cult hero in Adelaide with regular appearances on the Triple M breakfast show. His favourite band is Iron Maiden and he supports Liverpool in the EPL. Seems like a cool guy, a handy team-mate to pull out at your next drunken garage tourny (after placing sizeable bets of course) and from his favourite training outfit, you can see that growing up in the '80's, he also dreamed of playing in the AFL one day.


But nevertheless, you'll likely see no table tennis on Channel 7. Here's what you'll be missing...

BEIJING 2008: Hockey

Since 1964, Australia have won 10 hockey medals, four of them Gold. For many decades the Australian men's hockey team, the Kookaburras, was the best in the world, but unfortunately suffered a severe case of "Norman choke". Until Athens 04, the 'burras had won 3 silver and 3 bronze medals with their first gold to finally come in 04. On the other side of this astro turf field of dreams the Australian women's team, (known as the Hockeyroos ) have gone after the gold like a Filipino mail order bride. After winning it all in 88, 96 and 2000, these sexy gold diggers were unable to take away any medals from Athens.


11 teams have set their sights on defending men's champions Australia, to wrestle the gold from their grasp. Out of the 12 teams Coach Dancer lists Germany, Holland, Spain and Korea as the real threats to Australia's back to back gold glory.


Australia has drawn the Netherlands, Pakistan, Great Britain, Canada and South Africa in their group stage with Germany, Spain, South Korea, New Zealand, Belgium and hosts China comprising the other group of competing nations.


If all goes to plan Australia will likely face the Dutch, Germany and Spain in the finals but from there no one can write the script. Australia will be buoyed by their recent tournament victories in the 2008 Champions Trophy and the Beijing "me so lucky" Olympic test event crown.

The women are currently ranked 4 in the world and I tip to impress in these games. Despite previous victories in China, I will have to put pollution, heat and humidity as the three main threats to the Aussie tilt. No doubt Channel 7 will split coverage of the hockey with the synchronised swimming, shot put, the 20km walk, archery, and badminton, so if you are lucky you will get about 5-10 min snippets of the games, but I urge you to stay alert and keep your eyes open for Hockeyroo 'Miss Hollywood' - I think you will agree that its worth it.

BEIJING 2008: Shooting

368 "athletes" will descend on Beijing to compete in 15 shooting events in four disciplines. Some will be packin' pistols, some rifles, and others will be gunnin' with a good old fashioned shotty. It's testament to every man's deep down desire to be old-school Clint Eastwood that it's deemed necessary to have so many shooters at the Olympic Games. Some may say that shooting isn't a sport because fat/unfit people can do it. But Mark Riddell can get through 25 minutes of every NRL match he plays. WHAB cult hero Darren "Boof" Lehmann was fat and smoked like a chimney. John Daly is fat and can play golf, usually while he's blind drunk. So sport it is!

Australia are well represented at Beijing. It's a sport that suits those of us who were never going to be footy stars. So fitness isn't a factor, but obviously there is plenty of skill and accuracy involved. I'm sure that a few of our team have changed their surnames to better suit their shooting personas. Looking through the team list there's Mark, Quick and Potent to name a few. The boys probably could have taken it another level, maybe Russell CapInYoAss or Warren YippyKiyaMotherfucker might have intimidated opponents a bit more. Anyway, our best male medal hope looks to be 96'/2000 gold medallist Michael Diamond who has some handy lead-up form.

Aussie shooting hope Michael Diamond.

In the women's, Lalita Yauhleuskaya looks our strongest chance, literally:

China are expected to dominate the shooting however, just like they will dominate most other sports at these games with their combination of weight in numbers, bribing of officials, crazy crowds, competitors from other countries being arrested for allegedly being protesters, and 'roids. So get behind our gun-totin' Aussies because they'll need all the help they can get up against a Chinese team packin' all that!

BEIJING 2008: Rhythmic Gymnastics!!!

Can you feel the rhythm of the rope/hoop/ball/clubs/ribbon? If you answered yes to any of these then you either belong at your local gay bar or at Beijing representing your country in Rhythmic Gymnastics (R.G)! But in all seriousness, R.G has been planted into everyone's subconsciousness by TV shows such as Grey's Anatomy, Lizzie McGuire (First season, "I've Got Rhythmic"), the classic episode #66 of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (Bloom Of Doom), and even Will Ferrell in the movie Old School. So here's a guide to R.G at Beijing to help you get in touch with your feminine side...you raving homo you!

Rope: Fundamental requirements/elements include leaps, skipping, swings, throws, circles, rotations and figures of eight. What a hoot!
Hoop: Rotation of the hoop around the hand/body, rolling, swings, circles, throws, and passes through and over the hoop. Google search...hooping...Cirque de Soleil...Elena Lev.....hot.....

Now where was I? Ah yes, Olympic R.G...

Ball: Throwing, bouncing and rolling; the gymnast must use both hands on the ball and work on the whole floor area whilst showing continuous flowing movement...
Clubs: Juggling, just like clowns at the circus, only not lit on fire.
Ribbon: A satin ribbon is attached to a stick and the gymnast flicks, circles, snakes, spirals, and throws like so:

So impress the missus with your knowledge gained right here at WHAB. Watch some R.G with her...maybe you can use what you've learnt to spice things up in the bedroom...maybe she'll just wonder if you are actually a massive homo...Anyhow, like most forms of gymnastics, R.G is dominated by Russia. Australia suffer the ignominy of being worse than New Zealand in this sport. Maybe we need a Kiwi coach!

Beijing Preview: Handball.

The sport of handball, whilst relatively unknown in Australia is a much loved sport in Europe with its origins in Ancient Greece. Known as urania then, it was played in a highly similar fashion to the modern game to be played at Beijing.

It takes some of the elements of a lot of sports with which Australians are familiar. Dribbling from basketball, the inability to move too far with the ball and the resultant likelihood of knee blowouts from Netty and adds to those something from the rugby field; the ability for defenders to make hard front-on contact with the attacker!

Your tournament favourites - France. Though the European Handball Federation has had a shadow cast over it of Derek Zoolander proportions by two Spanish teams BM Ciudad Real and Barcelona of late. Though Germany are also mighty based on the form of THV Kiel and HSV Hamburg. Lovely how the Germans always throw a bunch of initials at the front of their team names. Not as cool as TSV 1860 Munich, my German soccer team which manages to combine letters and numbers in an almost unbreakable code, but good enough.

Anyway, the qualification system again seems to have given Australia the bone. The Chinese managed to qualify automatically for both the mens and womens draw. The Chinese men will be joined by African powerhouses Egypt, South American hotshots Brazil and the rest will be from Europe. Croatia, France, Germany, Spain, Poland, Russia, Denmark and Iceland. Here's hoping Iceland come up with the goods. I think it would suck to be from a country where you are known internationally for this:

Anyway, if Channel 7 is so inclined, enjoy some handball. Given the lack of Australian involvement they will more likely fill any time that isn't devoted to swimming with Andrew Hoy.

As for your cool pub trivia to make you sound like a pretentious twat in front of those you like - call it fangballspiel - as your German friends would have in the middle ages.

If you have a midweek gambling addiction that can't be sated by Dubbo racing, Germany at $5.50 and the choking Spaniards at $6.50 seem like a treat.

Enjoy the handball. Go Iceland.

Beijing 2008: Judo

Judo was the sleeping giant of Olympic sports until this guy came along:

After International Man Of Mystery was released, the "judo chop" was all the rage. It got out of hand really; people holding their hand out for a hand-shake only to pull away at the last minute and judo chop their hapless mate; others judo chopping their grandmas for a laugh; and some even just judo chopping thin air in a judo chopping frenzy, such was the impact of this supposedly new form of "self defense". Of course, the Japanese have been judo chopping for as long as they have been stabbing people with samurai swords.

Judo chopping is not permitted in Olympic judo. Neither is "body scissors". In a sport where the Japanese used to compete to the death, it's less likely to end in a funeral these days. So why would we want to watch judo at Beijing? Well it's still pretty tough...

In the NRL, this would be getting referred straight to the judiciary. In judo, this is nothing more than dominating the dojo.

Judo masters are also faster than a speeding bullet:

Ooh, you'll feel that in the morning son!

Australian have a team of 13 heading to Beijing to lay the smackdown. If you want to know more about the scoring and rules I suggest you start to learn Japanese and then hit Wikipedia. Maybe even enrol at a Japanese university. You need a double degree in Japanese/Judo to fully understand the sport; however, anyone with a dozen beers under their belt will know who's who's bitch. So sit back and feel those faceplants, all the sneaky judo chops when the referee isn't looking and every grade five intentional throw from the comfort of your favourite armchair when Beijing 2008 comes around.

The Pittman/Rawlinson Bounty

Jana Pittman/Rawlinson is out of the Beijing Olympics.

The much maligned athlete has pulled the plug on the Beijing games due to a toe injury. In most cases, an athlete pulling out because of a toe injury may suffer ridicule, and be asked to harden up. Maybe, the athlete would be condemned by the eyes of Katich. In the Jana case though, we at WHAB are giving her the green light to stay at home. We are even going to suggest that she rests her big toe by not talking to the media, plugging treadmills or stirring the pot. You can take some time off your media feud with Tamsyn Lewis.

Now there's something we can all enjoy. You didn't think I would give you a photo of Jana for your Friday.

Will Australia's favourite daughter: "Rawly" heed our advice??? The smart money suggests that no, she will not.

So how will we next see Rawly?? Will she be given a column in the Telegraph or some such? A place to give us daily insight into how the "toe that stops a nation" is healing. A place to tell us all about her contempt for Tamsyn.

Again, this is not Jana Pittman. Nor is it Jana Rawlinson...

Will it be on television - a today tonight puff piece about how hard it is to be Rawly, followed by commentating on the athletics at the games. Another place to inform us of her Tamsyn Lewis contempt. David Koch and Jana in the same room - time to turn the sound down and ABC radio up.

Will it be another miracle healing??? Stepping through customs at Beijing and casting her crutches aside. Oh, and how the nation could breathe again, if only it were true. Brought a tear to the eye. I think that Australia qualifying for the world cup overshadowed miracle Jana as Australia's finest sporting moment is a travesty. You heard me, a travesty.

The miracle at Athens!

We at WHAB cannot allow this to happen.

You can not allow this to happen.

If you see Jana on a plane to Beijing and suspect something might be afoot, FINISH the JOB(*Deliberately vague in case anyone takes this at face value).

What's in it for you???

Oh yeah - a crisp 80's era five dollar note *May not be legal tender*

You could buy a schooner! 2 service station Mars Bars! A cheeseburger stunner deal! The options are endless.

*** Legal Disclaimer - this is not a serious bounty. Stepping on the toe that stops a nation, as funny as it may be is not being encouraged here. Professor Chaos, WHAB, and WHAB enterprises take no responsibility for anything, ever. Though we may find it hilarious.***

Beijing Preview: Baseball

Think baseball at the Olympics, and you may think you will be seeing another sport (like basketball) where you see a star-studded Team U.S.A. having their way with almost all comers. Given, however that the Olympic baseball tournament coincides with the Major League baseball "stretch run" and you see a different looking Team U.S.A. and unsurprisingly a much more level playing field.

Team U.S.A. will basically be a cobbled together group of the best players not on a Major League team's top 25 players. Joining them will be the top players from the college ranks. For an NRL equivalent, think about Australia entering the Rugby League World Cup without being able to choose any first grade players, plus the best reserve graders from the other teams.

Team U.S.A. will still be all kinds of good. Led by San Diego State college phenom (widely tipped to go first in next years rookie draft) Stephen Strasburg, and Mike Minor U.S.A. will pitch very, very well.

The Australian tilt... well it's not happening. a silver medal in the last Olympics wasn't enough to let Australia avoid the qualification campaign. The qualification campaign which somehow found a direct qualification spot for THE DUTCH! A country whose most famous baseball export is Win Remmerswaal.

I only hate two things; people who are intolerant of other people's cultures; and the Dutch!

Anyway, you can write off the Dutch, along with hosts China, Chinese Taipei and I will happily write off Korea as well. Some would dispute this, however Korea has been lagging behind their neighbours - Japan - in terms of churning out quality players for some time, and it is pretty hard to see the Chan Ho Park led Koreans battling out for more than a minor role. They will have a lot of depth - with very few players ineligible for selection but will find the top few too classy.

So who does that leave???? Favourites Cuba, Team U.S.A., Canada and Japan.

Cuba have been spurred on by words of encouragement from both Fidel Castro and later Raul Castro: "You all know what the Cuban people expect from you". Exactly what these enigmatic words mean is up for debate. Are the Cuban people hoping that they win? Or have the Cubans been watching a lot of Disney films, and simply hope that the Cuban team has fun and learns some kind of life lesson? Quack.

Cuba are used to tasting success at the Olympics, winners in 1992, 1996 and 2004 and silver medalists in 2000. Bookies have been cautious, sticking them at $1.80. You never know much about the players you will see - the Cuban national team is based at home. The success in the majors of occasional defections from Cuba, such as 2008 defector Alexei Ramirez underline their threat here. Though it can hardly be called defecting anymore.. And after signing a $4.5 M contract with the White Sox it doesn't seem likely that he floated over to Florida on a fridge door.

At $50, Canada could easily find themselves battling out for the gold. With one of the best pitching prospects in the game, Phillippe Aumont leading their staff, anything could happen here. And if anything could get the Captain interested in baseball, it is his beloved Canadians!

You fart loving, fart lovers.

And then comes my pick for the title, Japan. Winners of the inaugural world baseball classic - that's the real pinnacle of international baseball - the one where MAJOR Leaguers play. Japan has lost two of its Major League stars in Ichiro! and Matsuzaka, however the feudal system in Japanese baseball where clubs basically own players until they die means that only a few Japanese players are playing in the Major Leagues and the losses of Matsuzaka and Ichiro! can be adequately covered. Matsuzaka, the find of the World Baseball Classic should be ably covered by Yu Darvish - whom the Japanese hype machine touts as being BETTER than Matsuzaka. Japan at $4.50, yes please.

.

Even without Australia in the mix, Baseball fans should be entertained to some extent. Though even a rabid fan such as myself would be more likely to watch his Brewers on mlb.tv rather than catch the 5 minute highlight package of Cuba v the Netherlands, in all honesty, there is little more enjoyable than watching the Americans not win Olympic gold in the game where American teams battle out for the WORLD SERIES. Whether it is by their hated Communist neighbour, their hockey mad brothers across the border or by the Japanese. It's all GOOD!

My money is on the Japanese, but my heart says:

IT'S ABOOT TIME!

BEIJING 2008 PREVIEW: BASKETBALL

The U.S.A. have announced their team for the Beijing Games and apparently have decided that enough is enough. No more sending a couple of superstars and a cast of guys who just missed out on All-Star selection. The team is: Carmelo Anthony (Denver Nuggets); Carlos Boozer (Utah Jazz); Chris Bosh (Toronto Raptors); Kobe Bryant (Los Angeles Lakers); Dwight Howard (Orlando Magic); LeBron James (Cleveland Cavaliers); Jason Kidd (Dallas Mavericks); Chris Paul (New Orleans Hornets); Tayshaun Prince (Detroit Pistons); Michael Redd (Milwaukee Bucks); Dwyane Wade (Miami Heat); and Deron Williams (Utah Jazz). The only negative you could have (and you would be a hard man to please) is that this team is a bit on the small side. If coaching staff can get this group playing anywhere near the same page, the gold medal should be in the bag.

But basketball is a funny game. It's not uncommon for great teams (playing badly) to be humbled by average ones (playing as well as they can). And international basketball tournaments have been very open in recent times, mostly due to the number of foreign players who now play in the NBA. Not many people would be able to tell you that the defending Olympic champions are Argentina and the defending World Champions are Spain. However, the U.S.A. are still ranked number one in the world and one glimpse at the above line-up reminds you why.

The starting five for the U.S. will likely be Paul, Bryant, James, Anthony and Howard. In this bunch you have three of the NBA's top four scorers (James, Bryant and Anthony) and the league leaders in assists (Paul) and rebounds (Howard). That's the complete package right there. If these guys have an off night you've got plenty of options on the most star-studded bench in world sport.

So who can stop Team U.S.A.? Argentina are ranked number two in the world and are renowned for their great team play, which was on display for all to see during Athens 2004. MVP of those games was San Antonio Spurs star Manu Ginobili. Ginobili and his injured ankle are in a race against time to be fit for Beijing. Losing their best player would be a bitter blow for the Argies as they have also had two other key players retire from the international arena. A definite medal chance nonetheless given their ability to play as a team in synch with one another and the game plans of coaching staff.

Spain are represented by the brothers Gasol (Pau and Marc) as well as NBA players Jose Calderon, Juan Carlos Navarro and Jorge Garbajosa (no relation to French Rugby star Xavier). There is talent in the Spanish squad but I'm not sure the depth is there to win the gold. I wouldn't try telling that to a Spaniard though as they are passionate about their country to the point of being totally crazy.

Russia are the defending European Champions. They are very much a mystery as nearly all of their players play in Russia. Only Andrei Kirilenko and Viktor Khryapa ply their trade in the NBA. The heart and soul of their team, a guy that epitomises everything Russia (when I think Russia, I think of vodka and this guy) is:

Comrade J.R. Holden

Others with solid medal hopes are Greece and Lithuania. The Boomers (Oceania Champions!) are roughies for a medal but definitely not out of the reckoning. The player to watch is Patrick Mills, an NBA star of the future and probably the most talented player Australia has produced. Hopefully he is given plenty of court time despite his youth. The Boomers have a very handy squad and certainly won't be outmuscled by anyone with Andrew Bogut, Chris Anstey and David Andersen inside.

Patrick Mills, a star on the rise...

China and Yao Ming will be looking to completely ruin another NBA season for himself and the Houston Rockets by playing at Beijing. There are massive doubts as to whether he will be 100 percent fit and the likely outcome is further damage. To heal properly, stress fractures need time, but it would be a hard man to begrudge the big guy a tilt at an Olympic medal in his home country. Especially when you consider that they will spend most of the tournament at the free throw line while watching numerous key opponents being fouled out of matches. Australia have dodged a couple of bullets by avoiding both China/hometown refereeing and the U.S. in the group stage.

The Boomers, lucky to avoid Yao and China in the group stage...

It would be remisce of me not to mention the World Champion Opals. They will be fighting it out for the gold with the U.S.A. and Russia, who joined the battle by stunning the U.S. in the semi finals at the Worlds. Led by the best female player in the world in Lauren Jackson, and with most of the Opals playing in the WNBA, they should take a heap of beating. It's optimistic to see any other country taking a medal off these three...

Go the Boomers! Go the Opals!