Bryan Pape is an enormous douche

While not directly related to Sport, this could have a sizable impact on Bowl fest '09 (i.e. The Captain, JB and my trip to the Doncaster in two weeks) and needs to be mentioned. I am of course referring to the High Court challenge to the $900 stimulus package which is currently being debated.

Bryan Pape, Law lecturer at UNE and Nationals party member is trying to stop the payments through arguing that the Federal stimulus payments are unconstitutional. First, let me clarify something, as an economist I could never argue that these stimulus payments were the BEST way to inject life into the economy. However, in a world where political constraints make the best option hard to come by, these payments are as good an outcome as one could hope for. And actually, as an unreconstructed Keynseian I kind of love this blunt approach of throwing a big wad of cash at a problem. Sure, there may be some long term inflationary pressures but fuck the long term and give me some cash.

Anyway, this is where the douchebaggery of Bryan Pape enters. Look I am not going to go into his reasons (which beyond making himself semi-famous are unfathomable to me), but here is the deal: This is an economic issue. Lawyers, be they Bryan Pape or the High Court have no reason to be involved in this. This is an issue about injecting much needed funds into the economy. There is a benefit to doing this quickly. This is not the time to go off on a rant about the rights of the states and the dangers of unfettered federalism. In order to grab his moment in the spotlight, Bryan Pape is prepared to say a massive fuck-you to Australia. Every single one of us. Call it a vested interest if you will, but there is also the issue of MY cash.

I guess you could always send him an email.

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Or if you're bored, you could help out with a caption for this picture.... leave yours in the comments.

Hall of Schrutebaginess

Long overdue for a public bashing is one of my personal foes - Johanna Griggs. Let's clear something up, she was a crap swimmer who fucked Gary Sweet, sold the wedding photos to Women's Day and has been sleeping her way onto every two bit Channel 7 sport and home renovation show going. Now the problem I have is that I see her face everywhere, I know she must give one hell of a blow job, but instead of being treated to that I have to put up with her bullshit commentary of the Olympic Games. She won one bronze medal at a fucking Commonwealth Games. I wait with baited breathe until Stephanie Rice retires from the pool and takes Johanna down. Griggs, welcome to the Hall.

"I won a bronze at a shitty Commonwealth Games and then fucked someone who actually had talent"

WHAB's Weekly Wrap

First things first. Since news broke that Sonny Bill Williams has wiped his ass with the contract he signed with the Bulldogs, we at WHAB realised that we have long overlooked something. SBW plays a handful of games every year. In those games he sometimes puts on a big hit or two. Sometimes he scores a try out wide. Never does he hit the ball up as much as a second rower should. Never has he rattled off 50 plus tackles in a match. His Test performances for NZ have been largely mediocre. The guy comes up well short on his reputation as one of the game's great players, a reputation which has been built around numerous trips to see Phil Gould and the Footy Show and numerous other interviews and press conferences. For someone who claims to be shy and reserved he's turned into quite the media whore. And as such, for all the above reasons, I induct thee, Sonny Bill Williams, into WHAB's Hall of the Over-rated (a hall within the Hall of Shrutebaginess), where he joins 2008 player of the year leader Johnathon Thurston.

What a Test match on Saturday night. Not just because the Wallabies were victorious but for the standard of play. Two teams with a positive approach = great rugby! Some outstanding attacking play in the backs and some gutsy play from the Wallabies pack, particularly the front row. Deans is a Supercoach! We don't like to bandy that word around here too often but New Zealand now fully realise the extent of their stupidity in re-signing Graham Henry. Let's hope for more of the same this weekend.

I have never seen a side with twice as much talent as their opponents play as negatively as Parramatta did against the Cowboys. On that performance they are not even a chance to make the top eight.

Despite Melbourne and Manly losing on the weekend, there shouldn't be alarm bells ringing in either camp. The Storm found their attack blunted by the conditions in Auckland while the Sea-Eagles were down on muscle and had an off day against the Roosters.

Geelong knocked off third placed Hawthorn...without their best player.

Rafael Nadal continued his quest for the number one ranking by winning the Toronto Masters. Federer was a first round casualty. Rafa is now only 300 points behind Federer and if results go his way, he has a chance to take top spot in Cincinnati this week. In past U.S. hardcourt seasons, Nadal has looked tired and off the pace but he looks in good shape, both physically and mentally at the moment, and continues to firm in U.S. Open betting.

Last but not least, the Cadel Evans tilt at Le Tour is over with another second place finish. Sastre and his big budget CSC team proved to much for Evans and his team of sprinters and climbing riff-raff. Maybe next year...

Hall Of Fame Inductee No. 6!!!

It's been a while since we inducted someone into our hall of fame so here's our newest addition:

Russell Tiffin in a familiar pose...

After yet another series of howlers over in the West Indies, "Gunfinger" Tiffin as we like to call him at WHAB, has deservedly been added to the honour roll. Without doubt the worst umpire in international cricket. If I walked out to the middle at a weekend warehouse cricket match and saw this guy up the other end I'd be very nervous...

Harbhajan Singh Press Conference

HS: Good Day sirs, I have invited you here to make a public apology for the incident in the recent 20-20 match with Sreesanth.

Journalist: Can you guarantee that it will never happen again?

HS: In public. I can truly tell you that I will not strike another player. Let me also say this. Sreesanth: You have been warned. The next one will be in private. And it will be a monkey-slap.

Journalist: What's a monkey slap???

HS: Well, you take off your trousers and...

Journalist: oh... a turkey slap.

HS: See, I don't know what a monkey is. Clearly I was calling Symonds a turkey - that is not racist at all, right???

Editors Note; Here at WHAB, we wish to mark the momentous occasion of Harbajhan Singh Turkey Slapping Sreesanth with a limited edition Franklin Mint (only 100 will ever be made) T-Shirt. We thought about making a shirt for Adam Gilchrist's 200th IPL run, but Channel Nine will probably beat us to the punch!

- Impress your friends!

- Show your support for slapping Sreesanth!

- Have an icebreaker shirt for the ladies...

- Piss off the Stasi/Fun Police at Australian cricket venues with a shirt that must violate one of their ludicrous fan laws!

Anyway, you can view the shirt here. Get in FAST, this is truly a limited edition lithograph, I mean: shirt.

Thurston

Was looking long and hard on Youtube for the try that the Kiwis scored in the last minute of Friday night's Centenary test.



With Australia up by 22 points, you can afford to lounge around in defence and let a try in. No-one really gives a toss if Johnathon "The Matador" Thurston misses a tackle to let the Kiwi's score in the corner. Misses is maybe an inadequate statement here. The Johnathon Thurston Matador{OLE!} waved his red rag, ran the other way and the try was scored unopposed.







But no-one cared. Least of all the man who thought that Australia could cover the 17.5 point start pretty easily and invested accordingly. At least Thurston directed the play into the corner with his red rag. Oh.. they converted. That certainly sucks.

Until the Matador learns to defend, he slips beneath the Prince in the best halfback in the NRL discussions - no doubt. In the space of one post, welcome Thursto to the Hall of Schrutebaginess and the Hall of the Overrated {MEMBER NUMBER ONE!}

Vossy said what??

Was watching the 'Sunday Roast,' {what a fine programme!} on Sunday last, and couldn't help hearing Andrew Voss say this, in response to a question from some other panelist - possibly the erudite Mark Geyer - about the IPL: 'I think I watched the Butter Chickens play the Lamb Korma's.' Wow. There are two things wrong with this. Last start with the easy one. The Indian team names in the IPL are already fucking hilarious. It would take a comedian of considerable talent to do better. Andrew Voss is not such a genius.

Secondly, you go straight for the curry stereotype {which one hoped died it's horrible death when we saw the last of the comic stylings of Mahatma Coat} - and then can't even pick an interesting curry. Had you dug a little deeper into the bank and come up with the Dehli Dosai vs the Hyderabad Chicken Chettinand with a side of mango chutney. No sir, you did not. You could have gone to an Indian restaurant, grabbed a menu and come up with something via the simple technique of aliteration. That is why they pay you the big bucks.

Indian Friends, send Andrew Voss an email. Don't get creative with your stereotypes. Ask him if he rides a Kangaroo to work. He is involved in Rugby League commentary - so ask him whether he washes down his Winfield Blue with VB or Fosters. Ask him how he manages to remove the red pubes. After all, he is the Robin to Gould's Batman. Or more appropriately the Ace to Gould's garry.

Anyway, a much belated entry into the WHAB Hall of Schruteabaginess.

Douchebag Of The Week...

The Captain's inaugural Douchebag Of The Week award goes to...Harbhajan Singh! Well that's a surprise I hear you all say. But the fact of the matter is that this guy needs to be put in his place. Had their careers crossed paths, Dennis Lillee would have taken this guy to the carpark and beaten the bejesus out of him. Crazy South African all rounder Brian McMillan would have come out all guns toting if some little turd of a man had of given him any lip. And Darren 'Boof' Lehmann would no doubt have called him very nasty names (but cunningly under his breath to avoid another suspension). Andrew Symonds should have cleaned him up when he had an excuse to.

Harbhajan has been banned for 11 matches which is effectively the rest of the IPL tournament given Mumbai's dreadful record so far. But is it really long enough for this obnoxious weed? It's clear that very few people like the man, even his own teammates now. He had already been banned for three Tests in Australia after making 'alleged' racial remarks to Symonds, only for the powers that be to let him off when they realised their balls were the size of peas. I don't think anyone for a second believes that Harbhajan was partaking in friendly, well-meaning banter with Symonds. At least this time there's a bit of hard ball being played out after this horrid tosser bitch slapped one of his Indian national teammates for no apparent reason.

Sure Sreesanth shouldn't have blubbered like a five year old girl. And sure the punishment in the instance seems about right. But I can't stand Harbhajan. He makes me not want to watch cricket and the next time he is charged for misconduct Captain Carnage will be leading the charge to see this wanker banned for life and representing cricket in the International Sporting Douchebag Of The Decade Awards.

We'll have a bowl celebrity mailbag: Glen Boss

With the Doncaster Handicap on the horizon, Glen Boss took the time out to answer some reader mail. It all gets a little candid, Thanks Bossy!

Mr Boss, What is the best horse that you have ridden?? {Kenny, 8 , Woolhara}

Great question Kenny, and a fucked question at the same time. Lets put this into perspective. Every horse that I have ridden was on its way to the glue factory before I got on their back... The horse that improved the most for me was Makybe Diva. Nothing horse that somehow won 3 Melbourne Cups! Fuck I'm good!


Bossinator! Great ride on Snitzel in the Magic Millions a couple of years ago you cockbag!!! {Captain Chaos, 28, Woodridge}

Snitzel was a shit horse you cock!!! It's best chance was to be five wide the trip... that's called riding for luck, like you would know that. When you are on a shitty $1.80 favourite, you need to get it out of traffic. When you are closest to the outside, you can here the crowd shouting, BOSSY! BOSSY!

Mr Boss, how do you manage to ride at 51kg?? I am 9 and weigh that now. {Maurice, 9, Bribie Island}

Wow you are a little fatty-mcfat-fat! Seriously, fat kids are the most disgusting thing in the world to me. First thing I would do for you is chop your leg off and make me some glue!!!
Anyway, big fella, to make my usual race weight of 51kg, I rely on a regime of diet and exercise. I eat nothing but glory and shit nothing but awesomeness!!! I also run a lot. I have to make a weight of 51kg for the Doncaster on the weekend and that will require me to pull out all the stops!!! For that, I typically need to rely on an enema. Good for the weight, and the other benefit is that you feel like you have been passed around by a group of black marines! Ah, marines, they know how to work your sphincter. I hope that answers your questions you big butterball.

Bossy, I have a plaque, years supply of spam and a nut kicking with your name all over it for winning Schrutebag of the week. Where can I give this to you?? {Professor Chaos, 27, Bondi}

I have enough trophies.. cause I am a winner. I can't eat Spam on my diet, and I only like being kicked in the testicles as foreplay. So pass.

How do you score such good rides when everyone seems to think you are a cockbag??? {JB, 27, Charleville}

This interview is over. Everyone loves the Bossinator!! Bossy! Bossy! Bossy!

Courier Mail agrees with Professor

An excerpt from the Courier Mail's Monday Mail section 21/4/08 RE: Glen Boss.

THE QUOTE

'Shinny, I feel sorry for you buddy'

After whooping and hollering on his way back to the winner's stall on Sebring, the sympathy Glen Boss showed Blake Shinn, who missed the ride because of suspension, seemed a tad insincere.

Your first WHAB entry into the hall of Schrutebaginess

Your first inductee was either going to be Gus or Bossy. Given that we just had him winning the slipper, Bossy it is.

Lap it up Bossy, make us love you. Tell us how well you just rode. Tell us it was less about the horse than the Sensational G Boss Ride!

I would have bet on Sebring on the weekend if it wasn't for this guy, so maybe I am the douche??? No, it's Bossy.