Crazed fans rioted at Wimbledon yesterday when the highly anticipated match between John Isner and Nicholas Mahut ended after only three sets, and a mere 2 hours 3 mins. Seats were ripped out, the net was set on fire, and disgrunted tennis goons hurled any food snacks they no longer required at the players and officials.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with the rest of these salted cashews?!?" asked one man, brandishing a barely-nibbled-at 2kg salted cashew bag. Others demanded refunds, crying foul that they had not gotten value for money. "Mahut just didn't put in, looked like he'd rather be elsewhere, and quite frankly, that's just not good enough" said another fan. "Tennis elbow or no, a piss-poor 34 games and a paltry 104 first serves? What a waste of time, money and honey-roasted macadamias" he said. Police had to be called in to break up the unruly mob, and CCTV footage will be viewed to identify the instigators. "Obviously the fans are disappointed that the match was over in the blink of an eye and they haven't managed to finish their snacks, but this sort of behaviour cannot be tolerated at the Championships" said a police spokesperson.
Not everybody was unhappy with the result as bookmakers cleaned up on the unexpectedly short match. "We didn't pay out a single winning bet on that one" chuckled Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet. Isner himself was also pleased: "Thank fuck for that! Nic wasn't himself today which helped me get through some 9 hrs quicker. Now that clay courter in the 2nd round is toast!" he declared.
When asked for his final thoughts on the rivalry, Mahut gave this: "I am ranked 94 in the world. John is ranked 47. Didn't these idiots know that Federer was playing at the same time as us? Go watch the six time Wimbledon champion instead you fucking morons!".