Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Fifty Not Enough?

AFL umpires boss Jeff Gieschen dropped a bombshell yesterday by hinting at the introduction of a 'one hundred metre penalty' for season 2012. Gieschen, who has come under fire for his umpires' repeated shithouse performances, the unbelievable amount of fifty metre penalties awarded over the past few weeks, and general game-ruining, hit back at his team's critics. "It's one hundred percent the players fault. They are obviously just all completely fucking stupid. It seems that they're not getting the message and we may need to look into harsher penalties" he said. "Whether you're five metres over the mark or five millimetres, I really don't give a fuck. And if you're a millisecond too late to a contest, that's a fifty all fucking day. A player should realise in the millisecond before his millisecond of being late that he is going to be a millisecond too late and thus, is going to be a millimetre over the mark, and pull out of the contest" continued Gieschen.

Gieschen examining a bump from the weekend's play...six to eight weeks for that shit son!


He also suggested that fans and umpires alike loved fifty metre penalties. "I know for a fact the boys love to dish them out, but I also sense the excitement of the fans when a fifty is awarded. The crowd just goes wild! A seemingly innocuous passage of chipping on the half-back line becomes a set shot from fifty metres out. A shot from fifty metres out becomes a 'gimme'. What fan wouldn't enjoy watching their team march up the field without actually having to play any footy to do it?!?". Suggesting that a harsher penalty for infringements at the marking contest was needed, Gieschen put forth the idea of a 'hundy'. "Not only could this help with dumb-ass players facing the prospect of an even bigger spray from their coach, we could have full-backs getting shots on goal. We could have guys like Matty Scarlett and Daniel Merrett in Coleman medal contention..." he mused.

Fan reaction to the news was mixed. "As a Collingwood bogan, we know we can bully the umpires into shit decisions so it's going to be great for the 'Pies" said Collingwood bogan cheer-squad leader Joffa.


Already top of the table, the 'Pies and their bogan army will be unstoppable with the introduction of the 'hundy'...


"Fuck the umpires, fuck Gieschen, fuck fiftys, fuck hundys. The game has become a fucking unwatchable joke. I watched a replay of the 2003 Grand Final recently and I could swear that I was watching a different fucking game. It was unrecognisable. That was only eight years ago! Seriously, you can't fucking bump a guy without getting rubbed out and you can't even look at the guy on the mark or you cop a fucking 'hundy'. This is what you get when put a guy in charge who was a shit player and a shit coach, he becomes a shit director of umpiring and gives already shit umpires ways and means to become more shit. Thanks for completely ruining the game fuckheads" said seriously fucked off Brisbane fan Captain Carnage.

The umpires boss is also coming under fire from players with a spate of broken ankles, torn ankle ligaments and torn calf muscles in recent weeks. Many are considering legal action after sustaining their injuries trying to avoid going a millimetre over the mark whilst running at full speed. "Basic physics will tell you that it's impossible to just stop dead when you're running at full speed but that is what we are being asked to do. I tried to stop on a dime, my ankle just snapped like a twig, and then while writhing on the ground in agony, I suffer the added pain of the umpy awarding another fifty" said one player who didn't wish to be named for legal reasons, and also so he could unleash this spray on Gieschen and his "faggot" umpires: "It's season over because of these fuckwits and their bullshit rules. They just fuck the game up a little bit more each year. Those little, mostly balding fuckers in their gimpy little outfits, with pasty poofter chicken legs, with no feel for the game whatsoever, they just make my fucking blood boil. Thanks a fucking lot you bunch of cockbags."


"That's a hundy! You can't call me a gaylord, even if it's true!"

3 comments:

SportingMind said...

Little faggots with their high-pitched voice, awarding hundys for when the ball is thrown back to the player on a slight arc - rather than via a penetrating handball into the breadbasket.

Captain Carnage said...

I've been waiting for the day when a stocky, handle-bar-moustached, gravel-voice umpire tells a player to "harden the fuck up princess" and throws a Snickers at his head...but it seems that pre-requisites for being an AFL umpire are being homosexual, having no feel for game (obviously this comes from being little bitches at school and getting picked last for everything in the playground) and looking like a fucking gimp...

And so I'm still waiting...

SportingMind said...

I guess they need to be small and 48 kilos because they probably cover about 40km each per game, but that doesn't stop me sharing your dream of a grizzled, mustachioed ump with balls of steel.

BTW, sorry to be shameless, but the public apology has moved to this address: http://thepublicapology.net. As you are one of our only readers, I thought I'd let you know.