Sunday, December 13, 2009

Top 10 Douchebags Of The Year 2009

It's that time of year again; to salute the 10 biggest douchebags for the sporting year here at WHAB. It's a lot tougher than you'd think, trying to squeeze thousands of douchebags into a top 10 but we think we've nailed it...feel free to comment on any douche who you feel was top 10 material, but escaped said top 10...

RICKY PONTING: A massive surprise here, after yet another productive season for the Aussie captain. Another Ashes Tour loss, which included some more horrific decisions as captain, and more recently a lucky escape at home to the West Indies. I was a kid when we last struggled against the Windies on home soil. The man convinced his team that Freddy Flintoff is the greatest bowler ever to roll the arm over and convinced selectors that Stuart Clark is the worst. He single-handedly ended the career of Drinks Break, one of the most promising cricket bloggers of our time, with his inane decision-making. He rates Mitchell Johnson as the ideal bowler to knock over no. 10 and 11's. In fact, he rates Johnson the second best bowler in the world, taking over from Brett Lee at the 2, and behind only Freddy Flintoff. On a personal front, he's dropped out of the top 10 batsman in the world. He then writes a Captain's Diary about all this which people apparently buy. If you bought a copy, you are as much a douchebag as our illustrious (retarded) captain.

ANDREW HILDITCH: The Chairman of Selectors has a lot to answer for. Unfortunately all his answers are the same. Mrs Hilditch questions him on why he hasn't put the bins out this week; Mr Hilditch answers with "look honey, times are tough with the retirements of Warne, McGrath, Gilchrist, Hayden, Langer, Gillespie,...". Being in cahoots with Ponting, they can always get their stories straight and their lines right. A lot of people seemed to be fooled by these two clowns...well we ain't Hilditch...you can't baffle WHAB with bullshit. You are a douchebag, you should be fired, and you should take those fucking bins out pal.

ANDREW FLINTOFF: For his unforgettable (vomitous) celebrations during the Ashes, where he acted like he was the Jesus for this generation, Freddy cemented his place in the anals of douchebaggery.

You'd think he's risen from the dead...really he's just knocked over Peter Siddle...

To carry on like he did, you'd think you were witnessing some of the greatest bowling from the greatest bowler ever, rather than tentative, softcock Aussie batting. Apparently the best all-rounder in the history of the game...perhaps his stats suggest otherwise. Regardless, if you want to carry on like a God on the cricket field, you'd want to be named Shane Warne or Don Bradman.

TIGER WOODS: Tiger just scraped into the top 10 in the nick of time. A rooting machine from all reports, the problem is that all the birds that he's been doin' other than his wife are deadset scrubbers:

Scandinavian face of an angel...

Eww...

No more clean shaven Mr. Gilette...

LOTE TUQIRI: Speaking of cheaters, Lote nailed a couple of 16 y.o's and then got railroaded by John O'Neill. Once O'Neill had something on Tuqiri, he made sure the only possible outcome was tearing up his phat contract, which was no.1 on his task list anyway. Well played Sir. Paying a winger $1 million dollars a year is bullshit, especially when he drillin' teenagers left, right and centre. With all this cheatin', we're going to need Joey Greco here soon...

MATTHEW JOHNS: Alright, that's it...it's GRECO time!

Did somebody say "cheater"?!

Sure it was 7 or 8 years ago and the bird was gaggin' for it, but naked dudes with other naked dudes is simply not cool.

BRETT STEWART: Newly appointed "face of the game", Stewart got hammered and inappropriately touched a teenager. On a related note, my team (Itmakesmeasadpanda) went on to become champions of our NRL Fantasy League "Touchedbyaneagle". Well played Captain.

SEPP BLATTER: Approaching a FIFA World Cup year, watching the draw *live and intoxicated* confirmed my suspicions about this guy. He doesn't know that much about football. He doesn't watch too many games. But he has a fuckload of money and an endless supply of people fondling his balls. The guy didn't even know where South Africa 2010 kicks off...maybe he was distracted by the horde of Africans polishing his knob under the table.

BRENDAN FEVOLA: If you look up "drunken fuckwit" in the urban dictionary, you'll find a pic of this neanderthal. The Footy Show played a clip featuring his tamest work on Brownlow night...can't wait to see the uncut version. My Brisbane Lions have signed him up now...knowing that I live in the same city as this guy is making me a bit nervous...

SERENA WILLIAMS: Tennis can be a frustrating game. In my playing days, I smashed a lot of rackets, and they all deserved it. I had numerous temper tantrums, cursed and spluttered at the injustice of it all, and occasionally entertained thoughts of jumping the net and wrapping my racket around my opponent's throat. But my antics as a youngster can't compare to the beastly Serena's crazed outburst for all the world to see at the U.S Open. She's one bad-ass, mean mofo when she's riled up...

Boy...you in the wrong part o' town!

So there you have it. I know there's so many more but these were the highlights and lowlights of 2009 for me. So remember all you sports stars, keep it together or you could find yourself on the 2010 list. And keep it in your pants...or Joey Greco will get you!

9 comments:

Dan said...

Thanks for the shout-out, Captain. Yes, the Drinks Break plan was always to chronicle the Australian cricket team's descent into mediocrity. I'm just stunned at the speed Punter got us there.

And he's talking about playing on until 2013? I guess you've got a lock for the next four years of douchebag lists (at least).

Andrew Symonds must have gone close to making the list, too, but I guess we can't have too many cricketers in there. Besides, douchebag or not, I still cling to the dream of him being lured out to captain, play in and select the Australian 20/20 team. It'd be a team of douchebags, but it might actually win a game.

Captain Carnage said...

I considered Symmo a faded star...he's so 2008. He was on the list last year but he hasn't done, well, anything this year. What does he do now besides guest appearances on the Footy Show? He couldn't even put in a cameo for the All Star game...

I think Ponting will be an automatic selection for as long as I live...especially if he gets a shot at the hat-trick in 2013.

Professor Chaos said...

Glad you went with my insistence that Jesus Flintoff made the list. I always have Chapelli on the emergencies for a list like this as well.

Captain Carnage said...

Chappelli is one of many who were extremely lucky to evade the list...

Dan said...

What does he do now besides guest appearances on the Footy Show

Pretty douchebaggy in and of itself, but I get your point.

And, yeah, Chappelli must always be a contender. But if you open the door to douchebag commentators, where does it end?

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Professor Chaos said...

Dan: Sitting next to the Fat makes you a douche, so Symonds was unlucky but didn't make enough noise this year....
Also, I can only feel that the omission of Chapelli makes this list a farce.

Cap-it-an: You need to add Chapelli.

Anonymous: Go fuck yourself, anonymously in an anonymous roadside motel if need be.

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Okay Chapelli-haters...Chapelli really didn't do that much this year. Made the usual couple of fucktard remarks, but you expect that. Mitchell Johnson was far luckier to escape the list after his mean-ass mum put an end to his Ashes dream. How can you be ICC cricketer of the year when a). you're shite, b). you're a softcock and c). you suck balls?!?!? My only regret of 2009 is leaving him off the list but this was because I was wary of having too many cricketers.

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