Assclown Of The Week!

The artist formerly known as Ron Artest, now Metta World Peace...

Why India Don't Want DRS

The reason the Indians don't want the DRS is pretty obvious after Day 1 of the First Test; they appeal wildly for everything that goes past the bat and pressure the umpires into bad decisions that are unable to be reviewed. In other words, they are dirty fucking cheats. That is the only conclusion one can come to after the fucking disgrace that was Day 1 of the Boxing Day Test. The Huss...robbed. Debutante Cowan...robbed. Indians...dirty fucking cheats. As Tony Greig said, "I can see why they don't want the DRS". That's because they are cheating bastards. Why else would you be the only fucking country in the world to not embrace technology that assists in getting the right results? Because you are dodgy, cheating fuckers, that's why.

Would you trust this dodgy looking fucker further than you could throw him?!? Nice hairdo you cheating fucking cockbag...

The Evolution Of A Mullet

Did That Really Happen?/Bring Back The Kat!

I don't think there's anyone out there that thought the Ram Rooters could conceivably win the Hobart Test after being rolled for 150 in their first innings. In hindsight, the pitch was green and menacing, and the weather overcast, so perhaps it wasn't the worst score considering. During the Aussie first innings, despite telling everybody that I've moved on, I once again found myself missing the Kat. Seriously, fuck Phil Hughes right off. In fact, I'll throw down the gauntlet here and challenge Hughes to an over of my right arm slow bowling. "Right arm slow" I here you ask? That's right. Because I have a plan. He won't last the over. Not even on Gabba Grass. A couple of balls delivered on a length, a foot outside off and I'll let my nine (9) slips take care of the rest. Because the guy can't fucking help himself. He is not equipped to be a Test opener.

A real Test opener. Notice the poise, control, and the ball not headed in the direction of the slip cordon...

Now for Khawaja. I think the guy has great potential. I recall a time when I also had great potential, but alas it went unfulfilled. So it's time for Usman to either get the fuck on with scoring big or spend the rest of his days on the blogosphere like the rest of us who once showed potential. Also, he needs to work on his short leg-manship because at the moment he is a poor man's Simon Katich in that position.

The Kat on his toes and ready to pounce...

Time's up for Ponting. He was a well-documented fucking god-awful captain but his batting was world class back in the day. I used to curse his name when I caught sight of him striding out but secretly felt kind of safe about him coming in at 3. Now he's set about disgracing himself and I just can't have it, not just because it's completely fucking selfish to hang on when you're clearly past it, but when there's batsmen galore in form on the domestic scene, well go fuck yourself Punter. I hate it when has-beens feel the need to "go out on their own terms". It would be better if they went out on my terms. With a sharp, swift one to the testicles and complimentary abusive blog rant.

There are only two points I want to make about our Captain. One is that it is his fault that we have to keep playing Test matches without our best performed batsmen for the last 3 years after The Choke. The second is this video, in particular at the 1:10 mark:



The guy is just so inconsistent, sure he scores the odd century, but he also does stupid non-captain-esque shit like leaving straight balls on off stump...

The Kat safely sees off this menacing straight ball on off stump...

The biggest problem with the current Aussie team is batting. It has been since before the Ashes debacle, it came to the fore during the Ashes debacle, and it continues to be a glaring issue. There's so much fucking wafting going on, from Phil Hughes mostly, but also guys who should know better. I guess this is why I just can't let go of the Kat. While batting has been a weakness all this time, a bunch of fuckwits who are now ex-selectors decided to sack our most reliable and well-performed batsmen. Who, in the period since his Test recall, was the second highest scoring batsmen in the whole motherfucking world. Not to mention the fact that they broke up the strong opening partnership the Kat shared with Watson. For Phil fucking Hughes?!? And now because of a mad moment of choking (and seriously, who reading this hasn't choked someone in a moment of perfectly understandable rage?), and the fact the chokee is now our Captain, he'll never be back. Did I mention that he had also captained his state and could roll the arm over too?!?

The under-utilised left-arm chinamen talents of the Kat.

The whole situation is just so fucking unjust, that if it wasn't for potential superstars like Pattinson, Cummins and Warner I just wouldn't watch anymore. First it was Stuart Clark, who despite being the best bowler in the country, was continuously boned by the selectors and Ponting. Now it's the Kat. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, except to say fuck all involved and sundry, and fuck them all to hell.

BRING BACK THE KAT!!!!!

No More Pies

It's been a huge year for me, marked by two monumental events: the birth of my future grand-slam winning son, and the injury to Mitchell Johnson. It was an amazingly satisfying feeling watching the First Test against the hopeless Sheep Shaggers without having to endure pie after pie being thrown down at one end. In the past, I would tape a whole day's play on the IQ box just so I could flick through Johnson's 20 or so overs of garbage. The only downer about the absence of Yonson was that we were deprived of an extra day's cricket without him there to make game of it. I can live with that...

Anyway, that's the end of him. I'm calling it. With the discovery by selectors that when you give youngsters a go it creates competition for places (who'd have fucking thought?!?), there's no fucking way that clown is making it back in the side. I feel sorry for his WA teammates though...can you imagine just how fucking terrible he'll be after months on the sideline? He can't even bowl straight when he's allegedly fit and 'in form'.

So farewell Mitch. Thanks for the memories. The Ashes no-shows. Having to listen to Tony Greig, of all people, waffle on about your karate-ing missus. Your inability to bowl decently anywhere but the WACA. The way you just released the pressure valve at one end when you came on. But maybe mummy still loves you. Or maybe she thinks you're as mentally piss-weak as the rest of us do. Anyway, adios to you, King Of All Pie-Chuckers...

No more pies for me angled at second slip thanks pal...

First Test Match Report

I should have known the 2nd innings collapse was coming; these days the Aussie cricket team seems to follow every promising session with one as equally unpromising. Really, this Test was lost in between the ears. We had it in the fucking bag. Even with our top order crumbling, the golden boy Phil Hughes gone cheaply yet again, the no-longer-captain-just-non-contributing Ponting gone, we still had it in the fucking bag as we had a nice lead. It only started to get shaky when the normally reliable Hussey, first ball, went chasing a widish delivery. I don't think I've ever seen the Huss lose his head like that before when facing his first ball, particularly in a dramatic situation. His off stump maybe, his composure surely not. Is this a sign? Is this Alzheimer's creeping up on him? Forgetting to grundle is surely how it begins. Anyway, with Huss gone things were starting to look uncomfortable. Enter Brad Haddin. At 5/15, he charged down the pitch and flailed at a short one. That's right. 5/15 in a Test match. Down the pitch. Flailing. What in the fucking hell would possess him to do that? You wouldn't even play a shot like that at 5/15 in a fucking T20 chasing 30 to win. Some batsmen would never play a shot like that in T20 period. I am calling it: THE WORST AND MOST UNNECESSARY AND FUCKED UP SHOT EVER!

Haddin was fined $10,000 for turning up to the Newlands TEST in his T20 kit...

So now we were in trouble. The unassailable lead we were supposed to be building was becoming more assailable by the second. Then just to piss me off completely, useless as fuck Johnson spoons one straight into the chest of gully. Typical Mitch response to pressure. Then Harris comes into bat next. Regardless of the way he strides to the pitch meaning business, as a batsmen, the Rhino makes a fucking good bowler. He should never come in ahead of Siddle who can actually bat for extended periods. All these little things matter Even just another 50 or so runs and the South Africans have to go about the chase a little more carefully. As it was, they had the momentum and wiped off plenty of the 236 by close of play with reckless abandon. Day 3 was a mere formality.

As it all unfolded, all I could think of was the Kat, or the lack thereof. When we most needed grundle, ticker and a 500 ball half century, there was none of the above. Just Hughes looking unconvincing again. Ponting fart-arsing around at 3. Hussey showing early signs of Alzheimer's. Haddin being a complete fucking idiot. Johnson being his usual deadshit self.

Waiting...waiting......NO RUN!

Even Shane Watson, no doubt shitted off with his average opening partnership nosediving from 54.39 with the Kat to a piss-poor 31.46 with Hughes, admitted that he missed the Kat. We all miss the Kat...

Where is the Kat?!?

BRING BACK THE KAT!!!

Johnson Watch

It was refreshing to see Clarke hook Johnson out of the 1st innings opening attack after a mere two overs yesterday. Ponting would have let him roll through at least 10 overs of pies during his reign, so it was great to see a captain not afraid to hook an under-performing and horribly inconsistent bowler. And it was fair enough; the Rhino had only gone for 3 runs and Johnson, once again, was easing the pressure at one end allowing 14 off his two. While Watson and the Rhino proceeded to tear the Jaapies a new one and Siddle chipped in with a run out, Johnson wasted space. Brought back on when SA were 9-for, to try and claim a meaningless, yet confidence-boosting scalp, he couldn't get it done and the Rhino didn't need a second invitation. 0/28 off 5 in a total of 96. Fan-fucking-tastic. Then, during the Aussies batting collapse, he played a fucking stupid shot exactly when it wasn't needed, picking out gully perfectly.

A match report is forthcoming; it will be all wrapped up early on day 3. There will be questions asked. People will be held accountable. There will be words of curse. It's the WHAB way.

WHAB's Match Report: Parental advisory...

Pies and Eggs

As the haze of the footy finals and the Spring Carnival clears (the Professor and I don't want to talk about Dunaden's easy, walk in the park Melbourne Cup victory where we both won a shitload of cash, not too much anyway), our attentions inevitably turn to KFC and Mitchell Johnson bowling pies. Both greasy chicken and Johnson's signature dish are in abundance during the summer of cricket, and over the next few days we get an early plateful of Johnson as the Aussies take on South Africa. WHAB will, as ever, be keeping an eagle eye on Johnson and reporting on his progress throughout the match. Another guy under scrutiny will be Phil Hughes. A repeat of his heroics back on the '09 SA tour is in order here because despite riding on the back of a century to end the tour of Sri Lanka, there are still lingering doubts for most of us. I don't think there's too many people out there just yet who think that sacking the Kat was the right move. Including the Kat! Anyway as Katich prepares for his court date with the thin-skinned faggots at Cricket Australia, the selectors prepare for a possible Hughes failure in this series and to be left with egg all over their faces...not for the first time.

MELBOURNE CUP 2011

The first Tuesday in November. Fuck yeah. After putting in for the day off the day after last year's Cup, I've got myself an array of snacks and a fridge full of beer.

One of the essential Cup day snacks on standby for the Captain...

I haven't worked on Cup day for over 10 years, and even then, I was actually working at the races! Anyway, this year's Cup is like trying to find an Aussie in an Olympic marathon...there's one or two there somewhere! That's what happens when you reward every horse that wins a shitty 4 horse Listed race in the UK. Anyhow, without further ado, here's your Cup field for the 2011 edition...

1. AMERICAIN Mosse/de Royer Dupre 58 (15)

Captain: Reigning champ and going every bit as well as last year after his pointlessly easy win in the Moonee Valley Cup. After thinking to myself that he would have won last year's Cup with 58 on his back, I backed him early in the piece at $17...that's looking like pretty good value now...ooh la fucking la...an obvious must for multiples.

Professor: Obvious top pick, though at the $4 I will be looking elsewhere. Househunting/moving etc means that I don't have any early money down this year so my picjs will all be about race day value.

2. JUKEBOX JURY Callan/Johnstone 57 (6)

Captain: Somewhat of an unknown quantity with no lead up runs in Oz. His form overseas reads well but I'm still loathe to back one of these European horses without seeing them in action. That's my only knock; I want to see him winning a Geelong Cup or a Moonee Valley Cup before investing...

Professor: No local runs, and no foreign horse has ever won with that profile. I'll pass. Beyond that, it's win (though super-impressive) in the Kergolay gave an indication that this could be one of the classic European flops - doesn't look fond of traffic.

3. DUNADEN Lemaire/Delzangles 54.5 (13)

Captain: The smartest thing I've done all Spring is backing this Frenchy at $22 two minutes before the Geelong Cup. Ooh la fucking la! He did pretty much there what Americain did last year and comes into the Cup with the same weight as the 'Cain did last year...the only question is, can he beat the 'Cain? He has before and with the 3.5kg drop on him, could well be doing it again...Lemaire jumps on board after the suspension of Williams...the guy's won Group races all over the world so no need to panic people.

Professor: Same story as Americain, I did not get on before the Geelong cup and here I am looking at the $8. I still might just take that as the form v Americain, plus the disdain that it won the Geelong up makes this the top hope for me.

4. DRUNKEN SAILOR Dunn/Cumani 54 (8)

Captain:

That's a no from me.

Professor: There's a second no for me.

5. GLASS HARMONIUM Cropp/Moroney 54 (23)

Captain: At 2000m and WFA this guy is the business. And Mackinnon winners invariably run well when backing up in the Cup. But when renowned trainer of stayers Michael Moroney questions his credentials at the two miles, that's enough for me. Gate 23 is no help to a frontrunner either. Prepared to pass.

Professor: Moroney is a shift, shifty man. If he says that it won't run the trip, there's a good chance that it will.

Nothing that the Harmonium has done to date makes me think that it won't run the trip and with Mackinnon form = good form, I am in.

6. MANIGHAR Oliver/Cumani 54 (21)

Captain: Wasn't convinced that he could see the trip right out last year. Equally as unconvinced this year. Can't have him.

Professor: Not for me.

7. UNUSUAL SUSPECT /Kent 54 (7)

Captain: The only thing I want to say about this fella is that he ran the fastest 1000m, 600m, 400m and 200m sectionals in the Caulfield Cup. Despite being blocked for a run between the 400m and 200m. That's a good pointer that he'll run out the trip, even though he's never run beyond 2400m. One to phatten up your multiples.

Professor: Advanced age and never tried at this distance a concern. In saying that, I loved how it closed in the Caulfield Cup. It's the one that I am sweating on a good price - 40+ and I will jump right in.

8. FOX HUNT De Sousa/Johnstone 53.5 (19)

Captain: Think he prefers 2400m and as such, cannot have him without seeing him have a trundle in the Caulfield Cup first.

Professor: Pass.

9. LUCAS CRANACH Brown/Freedman 53.5 (11)

Captain: I remember his Dad coming to this country, all the hype, chest puffing and short-priced favouritism...and....massive flop-a-roo. So hopefully this one has a bit more ticker than his Pop. Ran pretty well in the Caulfield Cup despite some concerns over his soundness so you'd expect him to improve on that. A chance.

Professor: Along with Dunaden, i'll be shopping around for a price on this, as it's run despite being a little unsound in the Caulfield Cup was the kind that you'd want to be on. In saying that, it's run was worse than the 'suspect,' and you'd be preferring to launch into the 40s, right???

10. MOURAYAN Bowman/Hickmott 53.5 (14)

Captain: Ran a cracking 2nd to Glass Harmonium in the Mackinnon. And unlike Glass Harmonium, there are no concerns about him seeing out the trip. I never thought I'd see Mourayan looking that sharp over 2000m...Include in exotics.

Professor: Include in more than the exotics. This is professors big bet. Extremely well weighted, definitely stays, coming off a career best run. Won't likely run into the back of a rapidly fading Saptapadi as it will go forward. What's not to like here? Anyone??

11. PRECEDENCE Beadman/Cummings 53.5 (2)

Captain: We all know Bart is smarmy, and we all know that Precedence is probably travelling much better than Bart would have us think...put in a similar performance to that of Viewed in the 2008 Mackinnon, i.e shithouse. Viewed won the Cup 3 days later. Think about throwing him into multiples...

Professor: I kicked myself when I was at the cup with the Captain in 2008 and Viewed won. Which means that it would be easy to 'chase' this one. However, the differences between the out of form 3,200 metre specialist Viewed and the out of form Precedence are too big to make it a good idea.

12. RED CADEAUX Rodd/Dunlop 53.3 (16)

Captain: I'll be brutally honest: I just don't like it. Need to see, it's form looks pretty decent but I'm not smashing this in the Cup when I haven't seen it go around. Fucking Internationals with no lead up runs. Does my fucking head in.

Professor: I think the Irish St Leger run gives you a good indication about what this one is all about. Meets Jukebox 3.5 kilos better after a luckless 1L third. At the 50s, I could be somewhat interested.

13. HAWK ISLAND Schofield/Waller 53 (18)

Captain: The Hawk is a massive chance to win an Adelaide Cup. This is the Melbourne Cup. This is serious...

The time honoured Adelaide Cup...

Professor: p.a.s.s

14. ILLO Cassidy/Cummings 53 (1)

Captain: Bart is one smarmy bastard. I know that he would have liked more time to work with this guy to prep him for the Cup, as such, I will leave him out, but I would not be shocked if smarmy ol' Bart booted him home.

Professor: Hard to leave out. Good European form, a settler of a run in the MV cup...

15. LOST IN THE MOMENT Buick/Bin Suroor 53 (3)

Captain: Are there any Aussies in this fucking race?!? Every time I have to look up the form it's for European races and most of it seems pretty shithouse! His form is okay but to think he could win the Cup when he doesn't like to win out of turn is a bit fucking rich!

Professor: Stays the trip, which is a positive. I really won't be having this one.

16. MODUN McEvoy/Bin Suroor 53 (5)

Captain: Not seasoned enough to win a Melbourne Cup at this stage. It's had 8 career starts...most horses going into the Cup have more miles under their legs this campaign than he has in his career.

Professor: Nope.

17. AT FIRST SIGHT King/Hickmott 52.5 (10)

Captain: Looks really tested at the trip. In fact, I think he's more a miler/mile and a quarter type. Also a possible soundness issue so just can't get excited about him at two miles. One for the romantics out there...

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Professor: Has had a really good prep. I really like both of Lloyd's horses this time in.

18. MOYENNE CORNICH Prebble/Ellison 52 (17)

Captain: I have respect for this guy, probably because I've actually seen him run. The audacity of some of these Internationals, just rocking up thinking they'll nab a Melbourne Cup! Anyway, I still don't have him to win this but his run here was pretty good and you can expect improvement.

Professor: Good European form and a solid `settler.' Well weighted for an Ebor winner, good value at the $26. If you're shopping at $26, this is probably the one you'd want to be on.

19. SAPTAPADI Symons/Ellison 52 (22)

Captain: This thing's form looks shite but I'm not convinced that it actually is a shitter at the two miles. I think he might be competitive but will not be winning...

Professor: For me, this is the first one that will be going backwards, and ruining somethings chances. SaptaSandmason.

20. SHAMROCKER Nolen/O'Brien 52 (24)

Captain: One of the early Cup favourites but she just hasn't come back in good order. Her form is awful and she jumps from the carpark.

Professor: Set for this, and if O'Brien has anything positive to say around 2:45 I'll give it a chance. I love the rocker.

21. THE VERMINATOR Newitt/Waller 52 (4)

Captain: Before Saturday's Mackinnon, I thought he was a sneaky chance at big odds in the Cup with good form around and in front of the Caulfield Cup placegetters. But his run on Saturday was uninspiring to say the least; he hadn't had a run for a while so maybe you could put it down to that, but if so, you'd be admitting that he's massively underdone for the Cup. A cheeky effort wouldn't surprise but on his Mackinnon run, he's no chance.

Professor: I'd have given this all the chance in the world if it produced anything on Saturday. Can't have.

22. TULLAMORE Munce/Waterhouse 52 (12)

Captain: Although he meets Americain 5 kgs better than in the Moonee Valley Cup, the 'Cain really destroyed him there. Just gobbled him up effortlessly and was cantering at the finish. And we know that the 'Cain prefers this trip. So you'd think that he can't win the race but has shown enough to convince that he'll be competitive.

Professor: Unders to me, as I doubt the 3200 really suits - and even at shorter distances it looks outclassed by the top ones here.

23. NIWOT Yendall/M & W Hawkes 51 (9)

Captain: Punters have gone bonkers after this guy won the Lexus, backing him in from $101 to $11...maybe at some point they'll realise that a). Green Moon went amiss, b). the only other serious opposition, Tullamore and Moyenne Corniche were scratched, and c). Macedonian and Anudjawun are not in Melbourne Cup 2011. He will be competitive as this is his trip and he's down in the weights, but is way under the odds after winning a lacklustre Lexus.

Professor: Is well under the odds now, Lexus form is good form, but it's now into Maluckyday odds, and it is no Maluckyday.

24. OLDER THAN TIME Clark/Waterhouse 51 (20)

Captain: I heard Gai talking up this horse and either she has punched in the numbers to her weather forecasting algorithm and it reads Track: Heavy 10, or she has pumped him full of 'roids. Or both. He was second in the Sydney Cup, but: a). The Sydney Cup is usually full of B-Graders and this year's was no exception, b). The 2011 Sydney Cup was run on a bog, c). The horse that won that race is an absolute bog track merchant and has done nothing else of note for it's entire career. It's astounding to me that a horse who ran a poofteenth of a length 2nd in a Melbourne Cup and with encouraging form, i.e Bauer, misses a start for this hack. It's a fucking outrage. Gai's enthusiasm can sometimes leave you seeing $ signs but don't be falling for it with this plodder.

Professor: I have nothing to add here. All yours if you want it. I'll bet the captain a six pack of his choosing that it beats SaptaSandmason home if he's keen though.

CAPTAIN'S SELECTIONS

1. Americain
2. Dunaden
3. Mourayan
4. Unusual Suspect

Throwing in one or both of Bart's horses is probably a good idea because as previously mentioned, he's a smarmy ol' bastard.

Looking every bit of his 112 years...

Professor's value corner:

It's pointless tipping my top four, as I won't come up with anything too different. However, if you're looking at value, a few that are well over the odds for me:

1. Dunaden (I think even $8 is big overs)

2. Unusual Suspect (out to $34 and blowing!)

3. Mourayan (A $10 chance for me)

4. Moyenne Corniche (Ticks enough boxes to make $34 silly)

5. At First Sight (See Mourayan)

Enjoy the great race!

MELBOURNE CUP FORM GUIDE

Will be up tomorrow!!!!!!!! In the meantime, here's something to get you punters fired up: