First Test Match Report

I should have known the 2nd innings collapse was coming; these days the Aussie cricket team seems to follow every promising session with one as equally unpromising. Really, this Test was lost in between the ears. We had it in the fucking bag. Even with our top order crumbling, the golden boy Phil Hughes gone cheaply yet again, the no-longer-captain-just-non-contributing Ponting gone, we still had it in the fucking bag as we had a nice lead. It only started to get shaky when the normally reliable Hussey, first ball, went chasing a widish delivery. I don't think I've ever seen the Huss lose his head like that before when facing his first ball, particularly in a dramatic situation. His off stump maybe, his composure surely not. Is this a sign? Is this Alzheimer's creeping up on him? Forgetting to grundle is surely how it begins. Anyway, with Huss gone things were starting to look uncomfortable. Enter Brad Haddin. At 5/15, he charged down the pitch and flailed at a short one. That's right. 5/15 in a Test match. Down the pitch. Flailing. What in the fucking hell would possess him to do that? You wouldn't even play a shot like that at 5/15 in a fucking T20 chasing 30 to win. Some batsmen would never play a shot like that in T20 period. I am calling it: THE WORST AND MOST UNNECESSARY AND FUCKED UP SHOT EVER!

Haddin was fined $10,000 for turning up to the Newlands TEST in his T20 kit...

So now we were in trouble. The unassailable lead we were supposed to be building was becoming more assailable by the second. Then just to piss me off completely, useless as fuck Johnson spoons one straight into the chest of gully. Typical Mitch response to pressure. Then Harris comes into bat next. Regardless of the way he strides to the pitch meaning business, as a batsmen, the Rhino makes a fucking good bowler. He should never come in ahead of Siddle who can actually bat for extended periods. All these little things matter Even just another 50 or so runs and the South Africans have to go about the chase a little more carefully. As it was, they had the momentum and wiped off plenty of the 236 by close of play with reckless abandon. Day 3 was a mere formality.

As it all unfolded, all I could think of was the Kat, or the lack thereof. When we most needed grundle, ticker and a 500 ball half century, there was none of the above. Just Hughes looking unconvincing again. Ponting fart-arsing around at 3. Hussey showing early signs of Alzheimer's. Haddin being a complete fucking idiot. Johnson being his usual deadshit self.

Waiting...waiting......NO RUN!

Even Shane Watson, no doubt shitted off with his average opening partnership nosediving from 54.39 with the Kat to a piss-poor 31.46 with Hughes, admitted that he missed the Kat. We all miss the Kat...

Where is the Kat?!?

BRING BACK THE KAT!!!