Isner vs Mahut Rematch Causes Riot At Wimbledon

Crazed fans rioted at Wimbledon yesterday when the highly anticipated match between John Isner and Nicholas Mahut ended after only three sets, and a mere 2 hours 3 mins. Seats were ripped out, the net was set on fire, and disgrunted tennis goons hurled any food snacks they no longer required at the players and officials.

Scenes from Court 3 after yesterday's fizzer...

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with the rest of these salted cashews?!?" asked one man, brandishing a barely-nibbled-at 2kg salted cashew bag. Others demanded refunds, crying foul that they had not gotten value for money. "Mahut just didn't put in, looked like he'd rather be elsewhere, and quite frankly, that's just not good enough" said another fan. "Tennis elbow or no, a piss-poor 34 games and a paltry 104 first serves? What a waste of time, money and honey-roasted macadamias" he said. Police had to be called in to break up the unruly mob, and CCTV footage will be viewed to identify the instigators. "Obviously the fans are disappointed that the match was over in the blink of an eye and they haven't managed to finish their snacks, but this sort of behaviour cannot be tolerated at the Championships" said a police spokesperson.

Police move in as the situation intensifies...

Not everybody was unhappy with the result as bookmakers cleaned up on the unexpectedly short match. "We didn't pay out a single winning bet on that one" chuckled Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet. Isner himself was also pleased: "Thank fuck for that! Nic wasn't himself today which helped me get through some 9 hrs quicker. Now that clay courter in the 2nd round is toast!" he declared.

When asked for his final thoughts on the rivalry, Mahut gave this: "I am ranked 94 in the world. John is ranked 47. Didn't these idiots know that Federer was playing at the same time as us? Go watch the six time Wimbledon champion instead you fucking morons!".

Isner vs Mahut: The Rematch

John Isner celebrates his Wimbledon 2010 1st round victory...before realising that he's due back for 2nd round action in just two hours...

Not content with the epic 6-4, 3-6, 6-7 (7), 7-6 (3), 70-68 win of John Isner over Nicholas Mahut last year, "God is just taking the piss" by pairing them up once more, according to Isner. "Well my first thought was 'are you shitting me?!?'", said the American beanpole. "Then I headed straight out to the practice court and pounded serves for six hours". Mahut was equally stunned with the draw, describing his first reaction to the news as "like a punch in the cock". "Seriously, I wasted eleven hours and five minutes of my life losing that fucking match. Just when I think my tennis elbow has recovered enough, now I've likely got to fire down another ten thousand serves tomorrow. What a load of bullshit!". Isner also eluded to the toll the match took on him; "While it was great to win that match, it fucked my whole tourny. I was talkin' big servin' my way into the round of 16. Instead I got fucking pumped by a clay court specialist in the second round!".

The pair have become good friends since that marathon Court 18 stoush, and when Isner joked last week that they were going to meet again, the Frenchman didn't see the funny side. "I said 'that's not even funny, I'll punch you in the cock if you say that again'". Mahut said he has prepared for the match by eating pasta and drinking Gatorade non-stop since the draw was released.

Fans have gone crazy trying to secure tickets to the match, likely to be played out once more on Court 18. "I just love serving" said one fan. "If they can just give me even half of what I was fortunate enough to behold last year, then I'll be in heaven" he said while showing off the "biggest bag of salted cashews that I could find". Another mused enthusiastically about the tactics that might be employed; "I think Nic will serve mostly down the T. That's his money serve. John will try and use his height and kick it a bit wider. It's going to be another fascinating contest!".

Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet reports that Head To Head and Set Betting have been widely overlooked in this match. "Punters are more interested in the Most Aces and Total Games options. Isner 111-120 aces is favourite there at $3, and in Total Games 181-190 is the popular pick at $4.50".

Australian tennis fans who don't have Foxtel will not see any of the match live, with Channel Nine focusing primarily on the Aussie tilt. Foxsports will show the entire match, plus a four hour highlights package the day after it's conclusion.

Hilditch Puts His Spin On Cricket

Trying not to think about another likely series loss for the Blues this evening only leads me back to something that's been bothering me every bit as much as the disgraceful lack of contract for the Master Of The Grundle, Simon Katich. What do Nathan Hauritz, Jason Krejza and Xavier Doherty have in common? Well they've all been trotted out at Test level for Australia and, quite frankly, have sucked. So in rebuilding for the future, Master Douchebag Hilditch and his merry band of douchebag selectors reward all 3 of these guys with a contract. That's right. All 3 of these guys that you've witnessed stinking it up against the Poms have been given fucking contracts. One wonders what in the fucking hell we need these guys for if they not only can't cut it at Test level, but are competing for ODI/T20 spots against Cameron White and Steve Smith. I guess, looking forward to our next Ashes tour, that gives us 5 fairly useless options in the spin department. But seriously, it's all about the future...And building an army of spinning all rounder types for limited overs. Which is great considering we just missed the boat on that one with the sub-continent World Cup done and dusted for another 12 years or more. A future of 40-year-old-spinning-all-rounder-limited-over-specialist types, ripping it up at the 2024 World Cup eh Hilditch and sidekicks? You fucking clowns, where's the future in this squad without some young spinners who've shown some early skill in the longer version of the game? And you know what? The thing that's mostly fucked us all off is losing 3 STRAIGHT FUCKING ASHES SERIES' YOU FUCKING TWATS! If I could ask for just one thing as an Aussie cricket fan, it's Ashes glory! And you're telling me Phil Hughes, a distinct lack of grundle, and this collection of spinning mediocrity is going to get the urn back for us?!? Are you d'bags off your fucking trolley?!?

So to Hilditch, G. Chappell, Boony and Cox, on behalf of all true Aussie cricket fans, Simon Katich, Brad Hodge, and even Zaheer Khan;

FUCK AND FUCK OFF NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From One Lot Of Retards To The Next...

As if the Blues demented selections weren't enough, that douchebag head of selectors for the Australian Cricket Team is at it again. This time he's decided that super-grundler Simon Katich isn't in the top 25 cricketers in the country, with a view to the next Ashes series. Sure the Kat has never been the most exciting batsmen but I've always felt that he's someone who could consistently be relied upon at the top of the order. And given our current situation, i.e, an Ashes flogging on home soil featuring a pretty average bunch of cricketers, there is no question he is well inside our best 25. He's more like top 5 or 6. I can understand that Hilditch and his cronies want to get a younger opener in for the next Ashes BUT: Firstly, they could have done it by dropping our best batsmen Watson down the order and keeping the Kat as the experienced opener. If Watson bats at 4 or 5 I reckon he averages around 80. Secondly, even if they keep Watson as opener, what happens if it doesn't work out with Hughes? Which is highly likely, mind you. The only other option is Paine who is a keeper/ODI opener and you would think more of a perfect replacement for Haddin at 7 in a couple of years. Surely you couldn't entertain the idea of Haddin opening. The man loves to loft. And that's great when you bat at 7 in Tests or open in ODI's. Not great when you open in Test Match cricket. Katich was the perfect guy to keep in this transitional phase. He gave you options. Now there's only one immediate option, and it's a huge call to assume that Hughes will work. The guy no doubt has plenty of mental scars from his previous Ashes campaigns. The worst thing about this is that because the Kat doesn't have a contract, they won't consider him even if Hughes sucks or Watson gets injured. They will have to stubbornly try to justify their belief that he's not in Australia's best 25. And he should be pointing out that he, in fact, is easily in that group, with a Brad Hodge style barrage of abuse...

I've seen it before. Once you don't have a contract, you only get a look in for a tour of Zimbabwe. And if they picked me for a tour of that hellhole, and I'm sure I can speak for the Kat here, I would consider that a fucking insult...

BREAKING NEWS: Return Of The Wolfman!

With Blues winger Akuila Uate in doubt for Origin II after trying to use a Wests Tigers player as a shovel, David Williams, AKA The Wolfman, has loomed up as the obvious replacement in the eyes of the NSW brains trust of Ricky Stuart and Bob Fulton. "He's been there before" said Fulton, referring to the Wolfman's shocking performance in a 2009 Origin match at Suncorp. "He's the logical replacement for Akuila" said Stuart, referring to Williams' comparative slowness/lack of gusto, and his inability to tackle big QLD centres and wingers. Stuart also hinted that if he does get a run, The Wolfman may be played in a variety of positions during the match. "We've canned this notion of having players only play in their specialist positions. We think if we play guys all over the place it might baffle and bewilder QLD into submission" he mused. "Don't be surprised to see him roughing it with the QLD forwards".

With the latest news, NSW has drifted to $8.50 to win Game 2 and $41 to win the series...

The NSW Way...

Great to see Ricky Stuart sticking rock solid to his philosophy of picking players in their rightful positions for the Blues. Hence, Hayne on the wing despite "five-eighth being his best position". Good to see the future of NSW (2012 and 2013 excluded of course), William Hopoate, in his regular backline position in the centres; fucking Manly trying to pass him off as a winger... And yeah, Gallen as a lock? Fuck that, he's totally a front rower. Just like Mannah is totally a starting front rower, even if he starts all of his Parramatta games from the bench as a specialist there...After our front rowers were ridiculously outgained in Game 1, it's refreshing to see even less front rowers in Game 2. Kade Snowden...does he deserve a second chance being a young front rower? Nah, fuck that. Let's bring in more second rowers. Second rowers are the future. And locks packing in at 8. And Michael Weyman can go fuck himself. Like I said...refreshing...building for the future.....

The common denominator linking the recent seemingly insane selections to the fucktarded selections of the last 5 years is Bob Fulton. So if we don't win Origin II, with our distinct lack of front rowers, despite front row-manship seeming to be our glaring weakness, I will not rest until Fulton has resigned/jumped off a cliff/publicly admitted he's a 24-carat fuckwit...

You've been served Bozo...