Being an aspiring "tennis dad", I have been keenly following the antics of John Tomic, father of Aussie young gun Bernard. Earlier this year, Bernard was the youngest ever winner of the Australian Open juniors, taking out the title a few months after his 15th birthday. This would suggest that he is our most promising junior since a pimply, teenage Lleyton Hewitt. However, like many a young hopeful on the tennis circuit, his farjer (father) is a paranoid loony tune. At a recent tournament in WA, he remonstrated with officials about alleged foot faults from an opponent of his son, before ordering his son to walk off the court. WHAB was unable to contact John to pick his tennis dad mind, so we were forced to look elsewhere for some pointers.
A phone call to Jim Pierce, farjer of former women's star Mary, culminated in him threatening to kill us, so we hit a dead-end there.
However, a canny series of phone calls led us to the master. One Damir Dokic.
Remembering some of his past comments, such as; "I have thought about dropping a nuclear bomb on Sydney since Jelena lost in the first round this week, for which Australia is to blame", and "I have even thought about killing an Australian in revenge...", I polished up my Dutch accent by watching Goldmember many times on the long flight to Serbia. Here's what Damir had to say about all things tennis dad.
WHAB (in Dutch accent): So Damir, what do you think of your daughter's latest comeback attempt?
Damir: It's bad. She was once very good player but Australia with the help of Croatia and the Vatican brainwashed my daughter. More than 40% of women in world tennis are lesbians. I wouldn't be able to stand it if it turned out that Jelena was one of them. If she was a lesbian I'd kill myself.
WHAB: Right...I take it you still hate Australia?
Damir: Yes. I would like to kill one. They wreck Jelena. I always say you can't make good people out of crime and bitch prostitute.
WHAB: And what about the U.S. Open?
Damir: It is crime organisation. What do you do, when you pay for two pieces of fish but you only get one? You would be angry, too. The USA country doesn't have a heart, they have cold concrete. I'm never going back to that place, it's too dirty and too communist.
WHAB: And the English?
Damir: The Queen is on the side of democracy and the rest of the country is fascist.
WHAB: Hmm, on to your second bottle of that I see...Have you given any advice to John Tomic?
Damir: Yes. I say you are right and Australia is wrong. They're the kind of people that give you sausages in 40 degree weather and then refuse to give you water. Come play for Serbia.
WHAB: Any more plans to kidnap your daughter back?
Damir: Yes. I don't want her in Australian Open. I will kidnap her in Australia. They are the crazy ones who give you hot sausages before the match when it's 40 degrees Celsius outside. I always say you can't make good people out of crime and bitch prostitute.
WHAB: So what does a semi-retired tennis farjer do these days?
Damir: I love women, wine, food and kids. And by women I mean women. Not wife. Sometimes I drink, but so do other people. So what. I am nothing when President Clinton liked his sex and Boris Yeltsin was drunk every day. I am not dangerous.
WHAB: Still waiting for the call from NSWRU?
Damir: I stood for NSW Super 12 coaching position. NSW great. Queensland bad. I cannot believe that NSWRU didn't want to interview me. I am great coach.
WHAB: So how can I be the best tennis dad I can be?
Damir: Don't be Australian or American or fascist. Eat fish, not sausages when it's hot and make sure you get two pieces. Drinking is ok. If you have daughter, try to make sure she is not lesbian. More than 40% of women in world tennis are lesbians.
WHAB: Well that wraps it up Damir. I'll take this story back to Austra...I mean Holland and publish it so people know that you're not crazy.
Damir: I don't make problems. Others make problems. If you make something bad to me, I react.
WHAB: I know Damir, I know. Thanks for your time.