Not content with inexplicably losing back to back Ashes Tours, Ricky Ponting has now set his sights on losing the Ashes on home soil. To help him complete what most cricket fans would call Mission Impossible, our fearless leader is calling on the Barmy Army. With Ponting refusing to talk to WHAB these days, I posed as a Cricinfo journalist in an attempt to unveil his masterplan.
"Cricinfo": Thanks for joining us Ricky. It's always a pleasure to talk to you here at "Cricinfo".
Ponting: Well it sure beats talking to those deadshits at WHAB. I fucking hate those guys!
"Cricinfo": Whoa there champ! You might be able to talk with a potty mouth to WHAB but not here at the esteemed "Cricinfo.com"!
Ponting: Sorry about that. Those guys just get under my skin, like a substitute fieldsman running me out.
"Cricinfo": Now Ricky, I hear you are imploring the Barmy Army to make the trip Downunder en masse. What's your thinking there?
Ponting: Well it will just make it that bit harder for us to beat what looms as another all-time great English team. I love a challenge. Plus, they have trumpets and sing songs.
"Cricinfo": Some may say that you don't need to make it harder on yourselves after back to back Ashes Tour losses, plus the losses of Warne, McGrath, Hayden etc...and you do know those songs are generally about you, don't you?
Ponting: We are up for the challenge. Sure we'll be underdogs but...
Ponting: Well of course we'll be underdogs, England are easily the best side in the world at present. That's why we keep losing the Ashes. But I repeat, I am up for the challenge.
"Cricinfo": Have you heard of the phrase "there's no I in team"?
Ponting: Hey, you did say Cricinfo right? You're starting to sound like those fuc...I mean assho...those idiots from WHAB...
"Cricinfo": Settle...we are definitely from "Cricinfo". You can trust us. Now, so you really want the Barmy Army turning up in droves?
Ponting: Yes, it will just provide a great atmosphere if they can fill all the seats that the people having a few beers/building cup-snakes/starting Mexican Waves/drinking Scotch out of "Bar-noculars"/heckling Kevin Pietersen/having a "fun" day out at the cricket used to fill. Thankfully we've got rid of those bad apples and going to the cricket is much more enjoyable for families now, even if the grounds are only half full.
"Cricinfo": It doesn't concern you that you'd be losing your home ground advantage?
Ponting: Not really. I think I speak for all the boys when I say that playing in front of thousands of Poms brings out the best in us.
"Cricinfo": Aha. So you guys didn't feel the pressure when the Barmy Army mocked you for every rash shot, dropped catch, wayward delivery, poor piece of fielding and rubbish decision in England?
Ponting: No, I think we played pretty well with a young and inexperienced team, against one of the best English sides ever.
"Cricinfo": Right that's it! I can't deal with this shit! How could you not know that this team sucks when the Barmy Army sings songs about them? You were fucking there! You captained that shit! And badly!
Ponting: What the...?
WHAB: Yeah that's right, it's not Cricinfo, it's WHAB! Gotcha sucker! And the more Poms in the crowd, the more we fucking suck! And the more fucked decisions you make! And now we're so bad we can only manage 88 in an innings against Pakistan and you want more Poms in the crowd? Are you fucking nuts?!?
Ponting: Why you fucker!
WHAB: That's all I need pal, I'm outta here!
Ponting: WHAB you fuckers! You'll fucking pay for this!