Things I Learnt During The Australian Open 2010

* That Australia thrashing Pakistan again and again, draws higher ratings than Channel 7's butchered coverage of the tennis. How Channel 7 can insult viewers with this half-assed coverage of a Grand Slam is beyond me. Fuck you Channel 7.

* That $3 on Federer to win a Grand Slam is maybe more just sound finance than skinny odds...

* That Hewitt is definitely yesterday's hero...Tomic is the future for Australia. The young fella had eventual semi-finalist Marin Cilic down two sets to one before hitting the wall physically...my opinion of Tomic will be re-enforced by my next point...

* Cilic has the game to win Wimbledon...

* Nadal might be done...he looks like he's used up all his body can give. The French Open in a couple of months will tell us more, but to me, he looks nothing more than a top 10 player these days.

*That Federer is just a machine...I've had the conversation with many people over the last week...can you remember the guy ever being injured? I can't. No-one I know can. To win 16 Slams and never succumb to injury is just freakish.

* That I agreed with rubbish Brisbane Courier Mail journalist Mike Colman on something...namely, the bullshit Channel 7 coverage of the Grand Slam of the Asia Pacific...

* That a lot of people out there are disgruntled with Channel 7's coverage. Fuck you Channel 7. And fuck you Cougar Town. And fuck you My Kitchen Rules. And fuck you Border Security. But most of all, fuck you Deal Or No Fucktard Deal, fuck you Destination NZ, fuck you Great Southeast, fuck you Today Tonight, fuck you Home And Away, and above all, fuck you Channel 7...

A Grand Slam deserves uninterrupted live coverage. You cannot provide this. So give it up bitches. We can watch every match of every other Grand Slam live and uninterrupted, but we can't watch the Grand Slam of our home country without missing huge moments. FUCK YOU CHANNEL 7!

Fucktards

I'm referring here to the low-life degenerates that let racehorses, likely already disturbed by Big Day Out at Flemington (WTF?), out of their stables to run loose. Firstly, why is Big Day Out at Flemington days before their first big Group 1 meeting of the year? Real fucking intelligent that one. They only have like 100 football stadiums in Melbourne. But getting back to the point; there's pranks and tomfoolery...and then there's sheer fucking stupidity. Authorities need to find these guys, throw the book at them, and then give me five minutes alone with them...five minutes of my right boot to balls...and that's how you deal with shit-for-brains idiots like that.

The Captain's Guide To Dealing With Fucktards...ooh yeah....right in the balls

Australian Open Update

Ah, the rollercoaster ride of the punter...the day after the two teams I backed early in the NFL season to win the Superbowl, both made it through to the Superbowl, guaranteeing me a chunky payout either way, Roddick and Nadal were unceremoniously shown the exit door at the Aus' Open. This was hard to take, with Roddick hampered by a shoulder injury, and Nadal, sadly looking a mere shadow of his former self, losing to Murray. Every sportsfan finds sportspeople that, for whatever reason, sometimes seemingly for no reason, they can't stand. Well, I can't stand Andy Murray. Maybe it's his horse face. Maybe it's because he looks like he belongs in a crappy, circa mid-late 90's English Ashes team under the tutelage of Nasser Hussain. He's always annoyed me, but now he annoys me even more because I'll begrudgingly admit that he's really good. So anyone but Murray for me. I'll be on the Cilic bandwagon come Friday. In the remaining quarter finals, Djokovic looks to have the edge on Tsonga, but I'm just hoping that the Davydenko that won the ATP Tour Finals in London last year turns up against Federer, rather than the nervy, erratic one that reared it's head when he had Verdasco seemingly beaten without any dramas. I will say this; Davydenko is the most naturally talented player on the tour not to win a Slam, hell, he's probably more talented than guys who have won Slams. The problem is that he plays mind games with himself rather than his opponents. He can definitely beat Federer here; in fact, he's won their last two encounters. If we see Good Davydenko, this could be the match of the tournament...if not, we'll see this:

What's...happening....to...me....aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Tennis World Cup.

Okay, first up I want to say that I do not condone the further promotion of this media storm in a tea cup that has all been paid and organised by those trying to make money by doing nothing more than what all of us do every friday night, namely, have a few beers and solve the problems that plague our beloved sports. That out of the way lets get stuck into the heart of the matter. Davis cup, in its current form is shit, attracts little attention and great potential exists to improve it. Ipso facto a world cup of tennis has merit. Alas the Hird cup announced recently is shit. In fact I would go as far to say that the proposal put forth by J. Hird is a world cup winning shithouse proposal. So here is WHABs friday beer solutions to the world cup proposal.

1. Bi-annual? bi-fucking-gay more likely. If your are serious about world cup sporting events then stick with the traditional every four year format.

2. Substitutions? WTF, I'm about to substitute to watching the world cup of fucking darts. If we are trying to create a world cup of tennis then let them play tennis.

3. Reduced sets. Okay, this has some merit, best of 3 sets, short deuce and best of 9 tie breaks aren't bad, but half the fun of tennis is watching guys run off their feet, delirious, vomiting and not giving an inch after 4 hrs of slugging it out. At this stage I would leave it on the table as a possibility but its not the answer.

4. Replace D.C? As stated above the current davis cup has little going for it, but instead of trying to replace the tradition of davis cup with a marketing gimmicke, lets just improve and build upon the D.C.

5. One 10 day tournament with every country turning up for a tilt? Qualifications people, regional qualifications work a treat for football, why move to a one off tournament? Well, true it may exclude some individual stars but a 16 team world cup finals tournament would cover your most stars from most tennis rich nations.

6. Tournament structure. My preferred structure would be a 16 team elimination format. 4 macth ups to hold aloft the world cup trophy.

7. Games played. As stated earlier, the whole idea of subs during a game really sickens me, but playing a 4 x singles, reverse singles and potentially a doubles could be overwhelming within a single tournament. However, to win a grand slam takes 8 matches, and nothing to stop a team from fielding different players from one match to another, nor fielding specialist doubles players. So no, I don't think it overwhelming, and for fucks sake its one in four years.

8. Hird. Lastly, and I know I'm not alone on this one, no fucking hird association, no fucking bullshit marketing spin doctor rubbish. One of the greatest sporting moments in history for me was the collapse of the bombers. All the talk was who could stop the emerging dominant dynasty of essendon? who indeed. Lions threepeat, thats a dynasty you smug essendon wankers.

" Come on boys, theres enough here for everyone"

World cup tennis, yes, but not with any association with this ass bandit!

Australian Open Update

Well since we last chewed the fat, we've confirmed that Bernard Tomic is going to be a top 10 player but Tennis Australia officialdom is going to do their level best to be at odds with him. The young fella made a few blaze comments at 2:30 in the morning, when tired after his first ever 5-setter, and they're all over him? Get a life idiots. He's potentially awesome, so if you really care about the future of Australian tennis, stop nit-picking. It's funny how every time Hewitt has slopped up Australian Open organisers that we heard nothing from these clowns except the subtle sound of balls being groped and fondled, but now every time Tomic sneezes he's the most unruly prick in the history of tennis? It does my fucking head in. Anyway, after the break, we'll talk more tennis...

80 is the new 40...

Welcome back folks, it's 0-15 here, sorry we missed that first point, a 34 shot rally there...Yeah Channel 7, solid as ever. Just like when during the Tomic/Cilic match they had a homeless drunkard doing the scoring...apparently homeless drunkards are very free in dishing out games when it's only deuce...but more about that after this short break...


Okay, is it just me. or is Jim Courier becoming overbearing? If he says one more time that "it's shots like that that make we want to make a comeback", I'll be on the next flight to Melbourne to dish out an old-fashioned nut-kicking.

Home Improvement was a big hit about 20 years ago, but seriously, how can Channel 7 be so insulting to Brisbane viewers as to leave the tennis for Home Improvement. Followed by the most fucked game show in the history of television, Deal Or No Deal. The News, I can understand that, a lot of people watch the News. But old Home Improvement re-runs and Andrew O'Keefe encouraging bogans to throw away $10,000 for a 1 in 10 chance of $50,000 makes me want to lay some smackdown on Channel 7 big-wigs. How can anyone watch Deal Or No Deal? It's fucking retarded and Andrew O'Keefe's best work by far is on Youtube. I must re-iterate: fuck you Channel 7...fuck you very much. You guys suck balls.

On weekends, sub out Home Improvement and Deal Or No Motherfuckin' Deal for Destination NZ and the Great Southeast. We could probably find out more about NZ and the Great Southeast from our local travel agent, or indeed, the internet, but with the Del Potro/Cilic match in the balance, what better time to not watch the tennis? Aaaaarrrggghhh....fuuuuuccckkkkk!!!!!! Homos!!!!!!! (Picture the Captain breaking stuff right about now...)

More to follow people....

Australian Open Preview

One thing we know for sure about the 2010 Australian Open; during the next two weeks we will be bombarded with ads for Cougar Town starring Courteney Cox-Arquette. Thanks Channel Seven, it looks like a cracking show, can't hardly wait. We can also be confident that Seven will cut short many matches just when they're getting interesting, possibly even one of the men's quarter finals like last year. The ad breaks will also run too long so you'll miss the first point of every game after said ad breaks. But enough about Seven and their douchebaggery.

I'm steering clear of Federer again this year. Gone are the days where you'd pencil him in for the final at worst, and he's got a tough draw here. Not playing a lead-up tournament smacks of sheer arrogance and $3 is no value at all. I like Nadal as my top pick at $6. Watching him at Abu Dhabi and Qatar, he looks like he's working back into his best form and will be peaking just at the

right time. It's good to see, there was just something missing in world tennis last year when he was missing/sucking through injury. I've got Del Potro ($10) as my second pick, providing the elbow injury he sustained at Kooyong isn't too serious. I doubt that it is; players withdraw from Kooyong if they get stung by a bee, it being more of an exhibition tournament. My big smoky is Roddick who I think now believes that he can win another slam. He is well-coached and can get

himself out of tough situations much better than he used to. He got blown off the court by Berdych in the first set of his semi-final in Brisbane but impressed me in turning that match around. Wimbledon '09 convinced me there's a new Roddick. I got him at a juicy $38 and he's still around the $21-$26 mark if you shop around.

For the Aussies, I don't need to tell you that Hewitt is no chance. I'm more looking forward to a couple of up and coming guys in Carsten Ball and Bernard Tomic. Unfortunately for Ball, he has

drawn Verdasco in the first round but he's not without a chance. As I predicted, Bernard Tomic is on the way to becoming not only Australia's top player but a top 10 player. He may well even be our next world number 1 down the track. Since a disappointing first round loss in Brisbane, he's chalked up W's over Ginepri, Stepanek, Simon and Djokovic. Exhibition tournaments they may have been, but impressive form nonetheless for a 17 year old, and with a qualifier in the first round, he's a good chance to make some noise in his section of the draw.

Our women's tilt looks shaky at best with none of the gals in great form. As Pat Cash once described women's tennis, it's "hit and giggle", so I don't get into the women's much but it would

be nice to see one of them go deep into their home tournament, like Dokic last year. You would think that it would be someone with the initials S.S who is ranked 13 in the world...I don't want to actually say her name or she'll collapse under the weight of WHAB's expectations, and she doesn't need any help there. Hit 'n' giggle you say Pat?!

So check back during the tournament for all the action and the inevitable Channel Seven grilling.

NFL Wildcard Weekend

So we won the Second Test, now everything is alright, Ponting is the greatest and never makes any mistakes, that was his plan all along, yeah...get fucked...totally. Needing to distance myself from the luckiest Australian Cricket captain ever and the choking Pakistanis, let's talk some NFL with Week 1 of the playoffs. Strangely enough, three of these games are replays of games played last week...and those three games were blowouts...


NEW YORK JETS (9-7) @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (10-6)

The Bengals, assured of a playoff spot, went to New York last week and got absolutely punished by the Jets, who needed to win to get in. There are two differences this week; Cincy are at home, and it's sudden death for them as well now. The Bengals, looking more like a team of Aussie battlers, and Carson Palmer looking like myself taking snaps at QB, got nothing going on offense last week but you'd expect that to improve a bit at home. It remains to be seen if Chad Whatever-The-Fuck-His-Name-Is-Now can get any meaningful yardage against Darrelle Revis; there's a staggeringly good list of top receivers who've been fantasy duds up against this guy this year. It's not just Revis though, as the Jets D is stingy across the board, so Cincy need some guys to step up and make some plays. The Jets also have the NFL's top rushing attack in Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene, who the Bengals didn't seem to have an answer for last week. I just think Cincy were too comprehensively outplayed last week to turn it around, are still not quite over the death of team-mate Chris Henry just a couple of weeks ago, and are just going to be hoping for a Mark Sanchez meltdown. Jets by 6-12 pts.


PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (11-5) @ DALLAS COWBOYS (11-5)

Another one-sided affair last week, the Eagles head back to the world's greatest sporting arena, Cowboys Stadium:

It's believed more than 100 Gautemalan workers perished trying to get that 55m long HDTV up there...

But the show must go on. Philly were dreadful last week and I would say with confidence that they cannot and will not play any worse. They were out-muscled by the pretty-boy Cowboys but after having Andy Reid holler abuse at them all week, I expect them to bring a bit more to the table. The factor that the Eagles have to play on is the Cowboys awful playoff record in recent times, including a monumental choke against Seattle in 2007, and being the first #1 NFC seed to be bundled out in straight sets a year later. If Philly start well, then you can bet they'll be telling the Cowboys all about those last 6 playoff losses, and you can bet the crowd will sense another season so full of promise disintegrating. A good start and a couple of deep bombs to Desean Jackson (who McNabb overthrew twice last week when he was open and had a step) and Philly could be right in this. The Cowboys should win; Demarcus Ware has the defense fired up with consecutive shutouts to end the regular season...I'll give it to them in a close one. Cowboys by 1-6.


BALTIMORE RAVENS (9-7) @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (10-6)

The Ravens have a bit of a shot here with the season-ending injury to Tom Brady's favourite receiver and NFL reception leader Wes Welker. You'd still expect Brady to have a nice game though being the playoff machine he is. The Pats have won 11 straight playoff games at home and I expect them to make it 12 but not without a fight. The Ravens best chance to win is to pump it up the middle all day with Ray Rice and their assortment of running backs. Like there's no tomorrow. The Pats have defended the run better this year but it will be interesting to see how they handle Baltimore's multi-pronged rushing attack in heavy doses. I've got Brady getting New England over the line with a match winning, heroic 4th quarter. After all, he's learnt from the best:

It's Pats by 6-12! Brady rules!

GREEN BAY PACKERS (11-5) @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (10-6)

Last week, the Packers went to Arizona and won 33-7. Forget about that. Replacing Matt Leinart with Kurt Warner (who was rested) at QB is like upgrading from a Kombi Van to a Bentley:

Matt Leinart

Kurt Warner

The Cards will be much more competitive without Leinart throwing bricks to Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. You just can't ever really trust a left-handed QB. Arizona also showed that they are a playoff team last season as they defied the punters, making it to within 35 seconds of a Superbowl victory. Green Bay are certainly a chance to win but they won't want to be taking too much confidence out of last week. If Arizona can stop the run of the Packers, they'll go a long way to winning this; if they can get any semblance of a running game of their own to boot, they'll be winning. The Packers were solid in all facets a week ago and will look out-muscle Arizona once again but ultimately, I cannot stress how bad Leinart is, and Warner, with good protection, leads the Cards to victory. Arizona by 6-12.

We'll Have A Bat...

A green and menacing-looking pitch...overcast conditions, rain all morning, rain the day before...yep, "We'll have a bat". Another great call from the Captain, just plain unlucky to start off 3/10, eventually getting skittled for a paltry 127. After talking up a return to world cricket domination following the First Test victory, I think we all had that uneasy feeling...How is it that the Captain of Australia makes decisions like this that every park cricketer and armchair expert in the land could tell you are horribly wrong? That's downright embarrassing. And no matter what Chappelli says, there is no way known that Steve Waugh bats on this minefield. I can't believe that at 7/77 Chappelli was saying that it was a 50/50 call whether to bat first on this pitch and that batting first was not necessarily the wrong decision. 7/77! Pakistan without their best bowler Aamer in the bowling attack! The old tosser's finally lost it. There's no way known that even Kim Hughes would bat on this deck. So you could make a case that even the blubbering Kim Hughes was a better Captain than Ponting is. Surely this is it. This must be the end of the line for the Ponting reign of fucktardedness. In any working profession, if you are shit at your job, you either don't have any business/clients or you get fired. Ponting is doing a shit job. So fire his ass for fuck's sake! We'll have a fucking bat indeed.