On the eve of Australia's Test Match against the ram-rooters, WHAB caught up with the world's greatest Captain!
WHAB: Ricky, thanks for giving WHAB this exclusive opportunity today. We are great fans and this website is named in honour of your astute captaincy.
Ponting: Well it's a pleasure really. I pride myself on my decision-making on the field.
WHAB: Yeah, second Ashes Test in England, nice call, but anyway...
Ponting: What was that?
WHAB: No, nothing. Relax guy. It must be good to be back from India after such a rough tour.
Ponting: Yeah it was tough. They won a couple of tosses on good tracks and batted first...
WHAB: Batted first you say?
Ponting: Yeah, is there a fucking echo in here?
WHAB: Ricky, take a break. Relax. How about that Sachin Tendulkar?
Ponting: The guy is unbelievable. All you can do is put guys on the boundaries and hope to stop the flood of runs when he gets going.
WHAB: Yeah, putting a slip or two in would be far too attacking, but looking now...
Ponting: Hey, wait a minute. Are you calling me conservative?
WHAB: No, of course not. Take a load off fella. I think it was Peter Roebuck who said you are a rubbish Captain.
Ponting: Don't get me started on that fucker.
WHAB: And what do you have to say about former captains Allan Border and Ian Chappell accusing you of putting yourself ahead of the team by bowling your crap bowlers to avoid a possible suspension?
Ponting: You said it. Former captains. Has-beens. Everything I do, whether it be genius, foolish or selfish, I do for the team.
WHAB: Okay, moving on. You seem to have a great rapport with the umpires...all those half hour discussions out in the middle...
Ponting: No, I hate the umpires. I repeatedly have to point out their mistakes and harass them until I'm sure they've got the message.
WHAB: I'm sensing a lot of angst here. Looking forward to the Kiwis now, what do you make of Daniel Vettori's shit-stirring in the press?
Ponting: He won't be stirring so much shit when our bowlers smash his glasses all over his nerdy face. The chin music's a comin'. Honestly, when did New Zealand last win a Test out here? Bloody sheep-shaggers, this series will be a piece of piss and Captain Harry Potter can go and get fucked!
WHAB: Them's fightin' words! You're crankier than Captain Cranky AB ever was!
WHAB: Yeah, craftier than he ever was! Now, will we see much of Stuart Clark back in Australia?
Ponting: Look, Sarfraz is only our fourth best pace bowler behind Lee, Johnson and Watson. So he'll be used sparingly once again. Lee and Johnson will have the new ball. Then Watson will replace Lee and we'll just go with that for 40 overs or so until we feel Sarfraz can be eased into the match.
WHAB: Sounds like a cunning plan but you're not concerned that Johnson will burn out from his high workload or that Watson will break down again?
Ponting: Look son. I'm the Captain and I'll do what I fucking please with my bowlers.
WHAB: Of course you will. Now, sections of the media have criticised the team's 'go slow' tactic when batting and trying to go for the win. What is your response that you don't manage the time well during matches?
Ponting: My response is; who's the Captain of the Australian Cricket team? Some guy from the media? Peter fucking Roebuck? Robert fucking Craddock? No, no and no. I'm the Captain. And if you're referring to the match against India last summer, I've got a news flash for you buddy: I bowled Pup and we won. Some may call that pure genius.
WHAB: Yeah, I can't believe someone said that was incredibly lucky. Must have been Roebuck. Lastly, what do you say to suggestions that the current Australian line up is boring as batshit?
Ponting: Boring? You must be fucking joking. Pup is getting married to Lara Bingle. Brett Lee is a Bollywood superstar. And I'm a great Captain. Plus we are all putting auto-biographies out for Christm...
Ponting: Ah fuck you buddy. I'm outta here.
WHAB: zzzzz....ah yes, thanks for your time today Punter. And if you win the toss tomorrow?
Ponting: We'll have a bowl.