NRL GRAND FINAL 2011

I would just like to begin this preview by sending out a great big fuck you to Des Hasler. No reason given. Just fuck you Des.

Fuck you pal.

Well the footballing gods have had their revenge on us all by delivering us an absolute bumfuck of a NRL Grand Final match-up. Millions of bbqs scheduled for Sunday afternoon have been cancelled by apathetic fans, disgruntled at having to pick between a team of douchebags and a team of Kiwis. I'm even slightly more interested in the AFL GF this year despite being a leaguey at heart. And that's Collingwood vs Geelong. That's saying something. I could have been way more excited about the Warriors tilt had I not taken the money and run on that one...ah well, hindsight is fucking great sometimes.

I've decided to go for the Warriors. They made me a bit of cash and other than most of their team being Kiwi's, I don't really take exception to any of their players. Manly, on the other hand, have the Stewarts. Brett is a rapist. Glenn and his legal team spin doctored their way into less weeks than Adam Blair got, conveniently leaving him free to play in the GF. George Rose, despite giving Gus Gould an orgasm every time he steps onto the field, is nothing more than a fucking pie cart. Brent Kite...don't even get me started on that fucking pussy. Steve Matai is the modern day Ray Price. "Your man Matai's got another burner on his shoulder Rabbits!". 10 mins later: "Matai's over! He's off his deathbed and he's scored the match winner!". Turn it up Matai. You're not really injured. You're just clapping it on to emerge out the other side in glory. Plus, you're a dirty cheap shot merchant. On top of all this, Brett Stewart raped a hapless teenager. I may have mentioned that already. Seriously, fuck you Des Hasler:

"Todd Carney blew 0.05, that's as bad as raping a girl..."

So c'mon Warriors! That felt really wrong right there, but the hatred of Manly is overwhelming, and money talks. The Warriors are excellent value at around $2.70. Take that and Shaun Johnson for first tryscorer at around $16 and you might turn Sunday into a better night than you thought possible. And as you celebrate after backing Kevin Locke to collect the Clive Churchill medal, also at $16, you'll have the added bonus of watching Manly cry. Talk about making the best of a bad situation!

The Art Of Betfair Trading

Step 1: Back the Tigers just before they embark on a 9 game winning streak at a phat $26 to win the comp.

Step 2: Lay the Tigers off at $5.50 when they are barely clinging to a 20-18 lead with less than 10 minutes to go in their elimination final against the Warriors, making a tidy profit.

Step 3: Back the Warriors, who are looking the better side and have great field position at a phat $28 to win the comp.

Step 4: While counting your winnings from your Tigers bet, also enjoy watching the Warriors roll in to $8 to win the comp after Krisnan Inu scores a bullshit try.

Step 5: Hopefully more of the same next week as the Warriors take on the Storm!

Thank you and goodnight.

Pros And Cons Of The McIntyre System

Let's begin with the pros:

So moving on to the cons now:

* If Teams 1 & 2 win, then week 1 of the finals was not only a complete waste of time, but it also becomes unfair in week 2. Brisbane smash Team 6 and are rewarded by now playing the 5th seeded Dragons.

*If Team 1 or 2 loses in week 1, they lose home ground advantage and have to play away to a team ranked lower in week 2. This should not happen in any sort of finals system. Ever.

*Teams 5 through to 8 should never get a second chance in a finals series. Ever. Particularly when they where as shockingly inept as the Warriors were last week.

* Ken McIntyre, who among other things dabbled in mathematics, invented this system in 1931. It's fair to say that it's not only unneccessarily convoluted, but it's hopelessly outdated.

Here is what the NRL officially have to say about the McIntyre:

"There is on-going debate each year about finals systems.

The McIntyre system in rugby league has produced some of the most exciting finals series in the game’s history.

The principle of the McIntyre system is that the top team should be rewarded by playing the bottom teams in the ‘eight’. Similarly the team that finishes eighth should have to jump a high hurdle to even reach week two.

The McIntyre system allows for the greatest possible set of options about who will reach the Telstra Premiership Grand Final and it has produced some of the most exciting finals series we have seen.

It also provides the most likely chance of the top two teams from the year meeting in the Telstra Premiership Grand Final.

At the same time it means that there is pressure on every team to win at every turn in the finals as they fight to retain or secure a home ‘city’ or ‘region’ advantage.

In a competition where the demands of mid-season representative matches can affect a club’s minor premiership standing the McIntyre system provides an opportunity for those teams that are good enough to fight their way from the bottom while also rewarding the top two teams through the ‘seeding’ system (1v8, 2v7, 3v6, 4v5).

One of the most contentious aspects of the system to many people is the fact that teams from the top four can lose their home ground advantage if they lose in week one.

The rationale for this is that the system rewards the teams that win. A team that finishes eighth and which defeats the minor premier should have the incentive of a home game in the next week.

Without this the challenges of coming eighth become almost too great.

At the same time the team that finishes first or second will always be under pressure to win."

Firstly, what good is it to Manly to secure a home 'region' when they are nowhere near said region? It serves these clowns right that 10,000 less people turned up than if it were played at Brookvale.

Also, how exactly does the McIntyre give you the best chance of teams 1 and 2 playing in the GF? If team 1, team 2 or both lose in week 1, I'd suggest it becomes an absolute lottery who makes it to the final 2. I'd also suggest that these dicks check out how regularly 1 and 2 meet in AFL Grand Finals.

"A team that finishes eighth and which defeats the minor premier should have the incentive of a home game in the next week. Without this the challenges of coming eighth become almost too great"....well maybe 8th should have thought about how difficult it would be when they were playing rubbish at various stages through the year. It should be fucking difficult, not based on one performance.

For fuck's sake Gallop and co, get your fucking house in order and go with the simple, effective and fairer system that the AFL uses. I have not heard one single fan say "wow, this McIntyre system is just fantastic!" ever so you guys are fucking deluding yourselves by printing the italic-ed horseshit above. Fuck right off.

NRL FINALS PREVIEW

Tigers v Dragons

Most people whose team will not be featuring in the 2011 NRL Finals will no doubt be jumping on the Tigers bandwagon. They play exciting footy and Marshall is just superb to watch, whether on the field or punching haters in the Macca's carpark. Riding into 4th on the back of an 8 game winning streak, it's worth noting that they were paying a phat $26 after their rubbish Round 18 loss to the lowly Eels. And I mean phat, not fat like the lip of the clown who tried to sue Benji for giving him a fat lip, but phat. And my wallet will be nice and phat should the Tigers go all the way. Seriously, you go to Macca's, run your mouth off, wake up the next morning with a fat lip and take that shit to court? How about stop wasting everybody's time and man the fuck up. Benji is busy trying to win me a truckload of cash and gets pulled from training to defend charges of assault occasioning grievous fat lip?...Fuck off you soft-cock clown-man.

This could definitely go either way with the Dragons winning their last couple of regular season matches and regaining some momentum. But after falling agonisingly short against the Red V in last year's preliminary final, the Tigers will take a lot of belief into this after knocking them off in Round 22. It will likely be fairly close with the Dragons amping up their defense for the finals and going some way to tone down the Tigers. Backing the Tigers home though and hoping for losses from the Storm, Broncos and Eagles! Well two of those are feasible anyway...

Broncos v Warriors

The Warriors are always up for a stoush with Melbourne or Brisbane and no doubt Suncorp will be packed full of a ghastly concoction of heavy South Island accents, unintelligible Ipswichian shrieks and bad hair on Saturday night...

The product of Trans-Ipswich-Tasman mating: the Brogan...

Steer clear of the greater Milton area that night people...A shame for suspended tough-man Thaiday that he won't get to pick on the likes of Hohaia, Moloney and Johnson here, he no doubt would have been primed for those guys. I think the Broncos are a huge chance to win the comp but this is the match-up they didn't want. The Warriors should really test Brisbane up front and have dangerous runners in Locke, Johnson, and of course the Beast is back for this, but all I remember of the Warriors in last year's finals was them getting destroyed by the Titans. That, and a couple of other finals failures makes me a bit wary of tipping them...so I'll predict the Broncos will do it for Lockyer in another close one but will be hoping the Warriors can help take me a step closer to that phat payout...

Sea Eagles v Cowboys

I would just like to begin this piece with a great big fuck you to Des Hasler. No reason given. Just fuck you Des. With suspensions and without Brookvale Oval, it wouldn't shock to see the Eagles get rolled here. Thurston has been fairly ordinary since his return and you get the feeling if he gets his shit together the Cowboys are a chance in this. But for once and for all snuffing out my 2011 tipping competition tilt with their loss to the Warriors, Thurston and the Cowboys can go and get fucked. Anyway, should be a huge crowd at the Sydney Football Stadium which is only slightly more convenient for the Eagles. Cowboys are a sneaky chance, but like I said, they can totally get fucked.

How I would of felt if the Cowboys weren't so piss-weak...

Storm v Knights

The Storm were clearly second best against Manly two weeks ago and were made to look like under 8's against the Roosters, but with all hands back on deck, they will run right through the Knights. Newcastle are simply making up the numbers in these finals. They were the lesser of two evils last Friday night but should be commended for knocking out Rusty and his Rabbitohs:

Carn Souffs!