Fifty Not Enough?

AFL umpires boss Jeff Gieschen dropped a bombshell yesterday by hinting at the introduction of a 'one hundred metre penalty' for season 2012. Gieschen, who has come under fire for his umpires' repeated shithouse performances, the unbelievable amount of fifty metre penalties awarded over the past few weeks, and general game-ruining, hit back at his team's critics. "It's one hundred percent the players fault. They are obviously just all completely fucking stupid. It seems that they're not getting the message and we may need to look into harsher penalties" he said. "Whether you're five metres over the mark or five millimetres, I really don't give a fuck. And if you're a millisecond too late to a contest, that's a fifty all fucking day. A player should realise in the millisecond before his millisecond of being late that he is going to be a millisecond too late and thus, is going to be a millimetre over the mark, and pull out of the contest" continued Gieschen.

Gieschen examining a bump from the weekend's play...six to eight weeks for that shit son!

He also suggested that fans and umpires alike loved fifty metre penalties. "I know for a fact the boys love to dish them out, but I also sense the excitement of the fans when a fifty is awarded. The crowd just goes wild! A seemingly innocuous passage of chipping on the half-back line becomes a set shot from fifty metres out. A shot from fifty metres out becomes a 'gimme'. What fan wouldn't enjoy watching their team march up the field without actually having to play any footy to do it?!?". Suggesting that a harsher penalty for infringements at the marking contest was needed, Gieschen put forth the idea of a 'hundy'. "Not only could this help with dumb-ass players facing the prospect of an even bigger spray from their coach, we could have full-backs getting shots on goal. We could have guys like Matty Scarlett and Daniel Merrett in Coleman medal contention..." he mused.

Fan reaction to the news was mixed. "As a Collingwood bogan, we know we can bully the umpires into shit decisions so it's going to be great for the 'Pies" said Collingwood bogan cheer-squad leader Joffa.

Already top of the table, the 'Pies and their bogan army will be unstoppable with the introduction of the 'hundy'...

"Fuck the umpires, fuck Gieschen, fuck fiftys, fuck hundys. The game has become a fucking unwatchable joke. I watched a replay of the 2003 Grand Final recently and I could swear that I was watching a different fucking game. It was unrecognisable. That was only eight years ago! Seriously, you can't fucking bump a guy without getting rubbed out and you can't even look at the guy on the mark or you cop a fucking 'hundy'. This is what you get when put a guy in charge who was a shit player and a shit coach, he becomes a shit director of umpiring and gives already shit umpires ways and means to become more shit. Thanks for completely ruining the game fuckheads" said seriously fucked off Brisbane fan Captain Carnage.

The umpires boss is also coming under fire from players with a spate of broken ankles, torn ankle ligaments and torn calf muscles in recent weeks. Many are considering legal action after sustaining their injuries trying to avoid going a millimetre over the mark whilst running at full speed. "Basic physics will tell you that it's impossible to just stop dead when you're running at full speed but that is what we are being asked to do. I tried to stop on a dime, my ankle just snapped like a twig, and then while writhing on the ground in agony, I suffer the added pain of the umpy awarding another fifty" said one player who didn't wish to be named for legal reasons, and also so he could unleash this spray on Gieschen and his "faggot" umpires: "It's season over because of these fuckwits and their bullshit rules. They just fuck the game up a little bit more each year. Those little, mostly balding fuckers in their gimpy little outfits, with pasty poofter chicken legs, with no feel for the game whatsoever, they just make my fucking blood boil. Thanks a fucking lot you bunch of cockbags."

"That's a hundy! You can't call me a gaylord, even if it's true!"

AFL GRAND FINAL!

It's fantastic that the two best teams in the AFL have successfully negotiated their way through to the Grand Final. The Western Bulldogs and St. Kilda couldn't have played any better than they did last week and, in all honesty, if one of those sides had of made it through, I would have been far less interested in the game. This has the prospect of being a classic. So here's what the punters at WHAB are predicting, consuming and pondering for the last Saturday in September.

Who will win?

Captain: I tip Geelong but not with overwhelming confidence. GF experience could be a factor.

Professor: I grew up watching my mighty navy Blues teams take these two sides apart in finals. However, I retain a massive hatred of the Hawks for the audacity they showed in winning one of the GFs that was rightly ours. I hated their clownish 80s teams of Brereton and Dunstall and Tuck. As such, go Cats.

Norm Smith Medallist?

Captain: I would be all over Paul Chapman at $15 but he is not 100% so looking for some more value. Cam Mooney is paying a juicy $34 and Cameron Ling is at $17.

Professor: A Geelong player. Don't come here for actual analysis. This is not my game.

Choice of beverage?

Captain: With an NRL Preliminary Final and another night of EPL action to follow, starting this early calls for the sugar and caffeine boost of Johnny Walker & Cola pre-mix.

Professor: Battling a stomach virus for the last week so if there is no change there some peppermint tea. If there is, I will be at the pub and it will be my favourite James Squire Golden Ale. Even the thought of that at the moment is making me pretty sick.

Snacks?

Captain: Red Rock Dijon Mustard and Honey chips.

Professor: Right now, thinking Salada. Again, without the explosive vomiting, I would be thinking of a nice $5 pub steak and chips with Pepper sauce.

What will you do instead if the game becomes lopsided?

Captain: Will try for some daytime sex, after being turned down will flick over to Sky Channel for some Spring Carnival action.

Professor: Will already be 50/50 split between the horses and the footy.

Who will you be cursing the most?

Captain: The umpires. Most times I watch AFL, my enjoyment is ruined by faggy umpiring decisions. Let the game flow you homos.

Professor: Glen Boss.

The Credibility Of the Brownlow Medal

For a moment last night, the Brownlow Medal was poised to officially become a complete nonsense. What do you expect when it's voted by umpires. AFL umpires are totally gay. Umpires see mid-fielders getting the ball. Sometimes getting a lot of the ball. Umpires think that because they are getting the ball all the time they must be the best players on the ground. Did Simon Black get a lot of touches this year? Yes. But did he deliver the ball accurately and use it effectively most of the time? No, he did not. I'm sorry, but the Brisbane Lions mid-field was SOLELY responsible for them not making the finals this year. And who is the leader in that group of mid-fielders? One Simon Black. The same Simon Black who the hierarchy of gaylord umpires voted to within one point of another Brownlow Medal, one that would have been thoroughly undeserved.


So congratulations to Adam Cooney, a deserving winner, a man who can hit a target from 25 metres away, and not a member of a mid-field who couldn't find their two gun full-forwards all year, ploughing the footy over their heads when not dropping it in too short.

AFL FINALS PREVIEW

Hawthorn vs Western Bulldogs (Qualifying Final 2)
Friday night, MCG

In probably the pick of the match-ups in the first round of the finals, the 2nd placed Hawks take on the 3rd placed Dogs. They've had about a month to prepare for this as they found themselves miles ahead of 4th, and yet miles from Geelong on the ladder. The Bulldogs won the Round 10 clash 106-74 at Aurora Stadium thanks to a free-running effort from their midfield. That was, however, many weeks ago and the Hawks have a bit more momentum than the Dogs at the moment. They've won four of their last five whereas the Dogs have won just two of their last five going into this match. Jason Akermanis is the key figure in the Bulldogs line-up; you can't help but wonder where the Lions would have finished if it was Aker delivering passes to Brown and Bradshaw this season rather than the current hopelessly errant Brisbane midfielders. I could kick more accurately than some of those guys and I haven't played the game since I was 15. But I digress, where was I? Ah yes, Aker. Love or loathe the man, he can still seriously play and brings a wealth of finals experience to the table. The Dogs have talent all over the park but if they win this, it will primarily be through the pace and pressure of their midfield. On the other hand, if the Hawks midfielders can get on top they should win comfortably, with their potent forward line, including the man responsible for banners such as "Buddy Brilliant" and "You Buddy Bewdy", to reap the benefits. I personally think that the $3.35 you can get on the Bulldogs is worth a look.

Adelaide vs Collingwood (Elimination Final 1)
Saturday, AAMI Stadium

Hmm...that is always my first thought when looking at a final played in Adelaide. Both the Crows and Power have had some shaky September performances/chokes and I'm expecting another nervy showing here. This is a winnable game for the Pies; they've won big finals matches on the road like this before, though this game is where they'll really miss Didak.

"I've got a bad feeling about letting you drive me home Heath..."

Adelaide are well drilled, well coached and solid across the park. In other words, watching the Crows sometimes is about as exciting as a Saturday night out on light beers. They will likely approach this game in a typically negative fashion by closing down any space and keeping the ball in contests on the ground. I'm expecting a big game out of Swan for the Pies and if he can find a few willing mates then they will be dangerous. In the Round 15 clash at the MCG the Pies won comfortably 106-74. They are decent value at $2.30...never trust an Adelaide side that is favourite in a finals match, particularly when in the back of their minds they thought they were going to finish 4th and have a second chance.

Sydney vs North Melbourne (Elimination Final 2)
Saturday night, ANZ Stadium

North Melbourne had the seemingly easy task of brushing aside an out of sorts Port Adelaide to clinch a top 4 berth, only to be humbled to the tune of 76 points and dropped to 7th. I'm surprised that any of them are still breathing after a choke of such proportions. They'll head to Sydney to take on the Swans and I have no idea how they are going to turn it around. The regular season clash in Round 6 ended in a 64-all draw. Sydney may not be as good as the past few seasons but should still be too strong for the Roos. Goodes will be the difference, and with his versatility, expect him to pop up for a touch at crucial moments. I'm still not convinced that Barry Hall has his volatile temper under control and what better stage to do something else stupid than a packed ANZ Stadium. Packed ANZ Stadium...it doesn't really roll off the tongue does it? Sydney at $1.75 seems extremely generous...maybe even worth dipping into your children's college fund...

Geelong vs St.Kilda (Qualifying Final 1)
Sunday, MCG

A lot has been made of St. Kilda pinching fourth spot by hammering Essendon. Now all of a sudden they'll be taking it up to Geelong and winning a flag for Robert Harvey. Time for a reality check. The Essendon side they played last week may as well not have been there. In their minds they were already here:

Time to put the feet up for the Bombers...

The only hope for the Saints is to get away to a flyer. The Cats can be slow starters, but are irrepressible in third quarters so St. Kilda would want at least 6 goals on them by halftime. In Round 4 it was the Cats by 136-94 and I would expect a similar margin in this as the Cats take hold in the second half. The Saints most high profile fan Shane Warne has sent the boys a video to try and inspire them:

"Anything's possible boys..."

Enjoy the action. For the record, I'm tipping the Bulldogs and Pies in upsets and the Swans and Cats. Put it all together and you've got yourself a multi bet paying $15.78. Worth a sneaky one...

Weekend Highlights

It's the final round of the AFL season but, with the top 8 just about set in stone, most of the attention is centering around Lance Franklin and Brendan Fevola as Carlton clash with Hawthorn on Saturday night. Not since Tony Lockett in 1998 has a player cracked the 100 goal mark in the regular season and it was thought by many that due to the evolution of the game, cracking the ton was to become a rarity. It speaks volumes of Franklin that he is on the verge of the milestone at just 21 years of age. "Buddy" needs two goals and should get them; if he's being well held, I can just see a team-mate passing up a 25m shot in front to dish off to him on the 50. It'd be hard to begrudge him that but hopefully he'll need no help. Fevola also has the chance but needs a big eight goal effort. Tune in to see an historic moment and ten thousand idiots running on the field halting play for half an hour as Franklin boots his second for the night, or alternatively tune in to the ailing Swans vs the choking Lions...

Australia take on the Springboks again after the AFL on Saturday night and will be boosted by the return of Rocky Elsom who was suspended, but then unsuspended today. The Springboks will be without front row thug CJ van der Linde. He was amazingly not sent off after blatantly and obviously head-butting Sam Cordingly in plain view of all and sundry last week, with the referee and touch judges agreeing that he "lead with his shoulder" and the video ref not bothering to whisper in the referee's ear that it was something much more sinister. I can understand that South African props have no necks and the shoulder is therefore joined to the head but he hit Cordingly flush with the summit of his bald, shiny thug-noggin. I see no reason why the Wallabies can't do it again going on South Africa's lacklustre display last week and with the Springboks coach under pressure it's a good time to get them after a loss. Looking forward to seeing what Tahu can do in the run on side. Another thing to remember is that if the Wallabies can win this, then the All Blacks must beat us in Brisbane to win the Tri-nations...here's hoping it comes to that.

The Roosters look to edge closer to a top 4 berth tonight against the Rabbitohs, looking to hold off the Broncos, Raiders and Dragons who are all still a chance of a home final. And the race is still on for that 8th spot to secure a likely trip to Melbourne and the subsequent hiding that awaits. Highlight of the NRL: Alan Tongue at half-back (!) for the injury-ravaged Raiders. Go the Tongue!

Demons Pain

Although Melbourne's captain D. Neitz is set to miss the next eight weeks with a pain in the neck, how many weeks will it take to solve the Demons pain on the field. A candid Neitz is determined to help from the sidelines, despite being of little help on the field in the last 5 games being quoted as saying "why go on and why bother". Sitting last on the table with 0 wins from their first 5 games and favourites to win the wooden spoon, I ask exactly that - why bother?
This season the Demons will be striving for a 1st round draft pick. An absolute joy to watch for all Demons and AFL fans over the coming 17 rounds. Surely AFL should consider some incentive for teams as woeful as the Demons not to lay down and play misere.
However given that the real pain in the neck of Demons' fans was winning more than 4 games last year, and as such have lost the chance to steal draft picks 1 and 2 next year, the only strategy left this year is to make sure they don't stuff up and win 5 this season.

AFL set to Soar in Western Sydney

Following recent publicity surrounding former AFL icon Wayne Carrey, AFL's forthcoming team based in western Sydney is reaping the benefits. Well as they say, the only bad news is no news, and thanks to the great Wayne Carrey and news of his wife bashing, drug snorting ways, the codes' fan base in western Sydney has dramatically increased. A publicists dream come true. As AFL has struggled for some time to win over the rugby league fans in the mortgage belts of Australia, Carrey's recent appearance on the television show "Enough Rope" with Andrew Denton and other prominent coverage in Australian media has given the people of western Sydney a hero they can identify with.
To date the extensive grass-root campaigns from AFL into the region have lacked the drive and leadership that a Wayne Carrey and Gary Ablett (Snr) bring to a promotional campaign of this type. Its all about identifying your market and packaging the game in a way your customers can relate to.
Proposed team names for the new franchise include the "Wild Cats", "Bricks", "Dead Presidents", and "Cranksters". Any of these will sure to be a hit with the growing legion of supporters as AFL throws down the gauntlet to NRL in the chase for fans.