The Professor Returns...Forgets To Hit "Publish Post"...Is This Piece Actually Finished? I'm Not Sure...

Time to offer the Australian selectors a bit of credit, following the release of the Australian test squad to tour Sri Lanka. I begun reading the squad with trepidation, knowing that the 'Kat' wouldn't be there, no beacon of batsmanship in a sea of nonsense was expected from the top-order. And of course, there was no Katich. Too old. Too useful. Values his wicket. Once threatened to throw hands with his lovestruck skipper.

But then... Shaun Marsh! Huzzah. Just the man that could have righted the ship against England all summer. Marsh deserves his chance at this level, as only a mountain of runs or an interesting haircut can convince this selection panel. And his call-up is long overdue. Sure, he may not get a run, with the amazing form of Phil Hughes, and the man who proves that nothing can prolong your career like a good multi-vitamin - Ricky Ponting - standing between him and a test match, but at least we know he is finally knocking on the door.

And the bowling looks likely. The choice of Copeland is again, late. Weight of wickets eventually has triumphed. Roebuck, between being a complete dick, threw out a Sarfraz comparison for Copeland today and one hopes that the comparison is for bowling, rather than the pants prowess that surely made Sarfraz's card read: 'never to play test cricket ever ever again no matter how well he bowls.'

There are of course issues. The aforementioned Kat omission rankles the most. And Mitchell Johnson again proves that he can neither bowl his way out of a wet paper bag, or the test team. And two duelling spinners, battling for a test spot. This may remind the selectors of taking both Slater and Hayden on an ashes tour and watching them raise their games, battling for the opportunity to open with Mark Taylor. The difference however, is that neither is very good.

Of course, the most irksome issue is that two young, quality quicks will make the trip to Sri Lanka, return the kind of figures that only the subcontinent can give you and get the non-test-player stamp on them.

Fifty Not Enough?

AFL umpires boss Jeff Gieschen dropped a bombshell yesterday by hinting at the introduction of a 'one hundred metre penalty' for season 2012. Gieschen, who has come under fire for his umpires' repeated shithouse performances, the unbelievable amount of fifty metre penalties awarded over the past few weeks, and general game-ruining, hit back at his team's critics. "It's one hundred percent the players fault. They are obviously just all completely fucking stupid. It seems that they're not getting the message and we may need to look into harsher penalties" he said. "Whether you're five metres over the mark or five millimetres, I really don't give a fuck. And if you're a millisecond too late to a contest, that's a fifty all fucking day. A player should realise in the millisecond before his millisecond of being late that he is going to be a millisecond too late and thus, is going to be a millimetre over the mark, and pull out of the contest" continued Gieschen.

Gieschen examining a bump from the weekend's play...six to eight weeks for that shit son!

He also suggested that fans and umpires alike loved fifty metre penalties. "I know for a fact the boys love to dish them out, but I also sense the excitement of the fans when a fifty is awarded. The crowd just goes wild! A seemingly innocuous passage of chipping on the half-back line becomes a set shot from fifty metres out. A shot from fifty metres out becomes a 'gimme'. What fan wouldn't enjoy watching their team march up the field without actually having to play any footy to do it?!?". Suggesting that a harsher penalty for infringements at the marking contest was needed, Gieschen put forth the idea of a 'hundy'. "Not only could this help with dumb-ass players facing the prospect of an even bigger spray from their coach, we could have full-backs getting shots on goal. We could have guys like Matty Scarlett and Daniel Merrett in Coleman medal contention..." he mused.

Fan reaction to the news was mixed. "As a Collingwood bogan, we know we can bully the umpires into shit decisions so it's going to be great for the 'Pies" said Collingwood bogan cheer-squad leader Joffa.

Already top of the table, the 'Pies and their bogan army will be unstoppable with the introduction of the 'hundy'...

"Fuck the umpires, fuck Gieschen, fuck fiftys, fuck hundys. The game has become a fucking unwatchable joke. I watched a replay of the 2003 Grand Final recently and I could swear that I was watching a different fucking game. It was unrecognisable. That was only eight years ago! Seriously, you can't fucking bump a guy without getting rubbed out and you can't even look at the guy on the mark or you cop a fucking 'hundy'. This is what you get when put a guy in charge who was a shit player and a shit coach, he becomes a shit director of umpiring and gives already shit umpires ways and means to become more shit. Thanks for completely ruining the game fuckheads" said seriously fucked off Brisbane fan Captain Carnage.

The umpires boss is also coming under fire from players with a spate of broken ankles, torn ankle ligaments and torn calf muscles in recent weeks. Many are considering legal action after sustaining their injuries trying to avoid going a millimetre over the mark whilst running at full speed. "Basic physics will tell you that it's impossible to just stop dead when you're running at full speed but that is what we are being asked to do. I tried to stop on a dime, my ankle just snapped like a twig, and then while writhing on the ground in agony, I suffer the added pain of the umpy awarding another fifty" said one player who didn't wish to be named for legal reasons, and also so he could unleash this spray on Gieschen and his "faggot" umpires: "It's season over because of these fuckwits and their bullshit rules. They just fuck the game up a little bit more each year. Those little, mostly balding fuckers in their gimpy little outfits, with pasty poofter chicken legs, with no feel for the game whatsoever, they just make my fucking blood boil. Thanks a fucking lot you bunch of cockbags."

"That's a hundy! You can't call me a gaylord, even if it's true!"

You Know It's (Definitely!) Not Your Team's Year When...

On the Rabbitohs last set of six in regular time, Roosters hooker Anthony Mitchell is knocked out next to the play the ball. When this happened to Mick Crocker earlier in the game, play was stopped for 10 mins while he was helped off the ground, stunned, but resplendant in a freshly-dressed Armani suit...Is he okay?...We can hold up the game for a bit longer if his measurements aren't quite right...But anyway, with Mitchell in fucking la-la land, this time, it's 'play on'. Whatever. After Souths complete their set, the Roosters work their way downfield to seemingly set up a shot at the match-winning field goal. Anasta is set to the left, 40m out. Just where he hit that one to sink the Tigers in last year's finals...it's going to Anasta there on the left, that's the play...then, as a still obviously concussed Mitchell staggers into dummy half and fires the ball to the right, and a valiant 42m left-footed attempt from Jason Ryles lands 10m short and 5m wide, as the big fella throws his hands in the air and asks "why the fuck would you give it to me?!?!?', well, you can almost sense that little fucker Sandow smashing over a golden-point droppy from 52m out in the rain...

There's always next year.....

Origin 2011, Final Thoughts

Congratulations QLD. Congratulations Locky. Congratulations even to fat Inglis, though commiserations to Rusty Crowe because that'll be all for Inglis for the season!

I am always gracious in defeat, and don't generally like to comment straight after matches where my team has lost, as drunk QLDer mates tend to pass it off as sour grapes, without even listening to what I say.

Again, congrats to QLD, what I'm about to say is not meant to undermine the Maroons victory in any way...

But Tony Archer is the worst fucking referee ever in the history of Rugby League. I had no dramas whatsoever with Shayne Hayne's call of the game tonight, but the slicked-back Archer, too busy greasing back his hair and listening to his own whiny voice instead of being competent, well he can go fuck himself, and then do it again. He now has the trifecta; a fucking disgraceful performance in the NRL Grand Final, a fucking disgraceful performance in the Tri-Nations Final, and a fucking disgraceful performance in the Origin Decider. And yet, this fuckwit, who clearly isn't up to it, continues to be awarded with a whistle in the big games. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! If he inexplicably gets given another big game, then I will have no choice but to be at said game and finish what Todd Carney started...

And Sam Thaiday...what a hard man. He smashed Soward. He really smashed Pearce. He picked a fight with Gidley. He even smashed this puny, pasty clown:


Fuck you're a hard man Sammy. You are real tough guy. Maybe even a hero...

Final Analysis: Lockyer = champion. Archer = fuckwit. Thaiday = "hard man". Sticky, brought some passion back to the Blues shirt. Bozo, enough is e-fucking-nough. Everyone has a place in life...yours is with The Continuous Call Team. Qld got the business done and Locky got his fairytale...But the Blues showed me enough, in a series with two away games, to make them specials for next year. That's right, put your house on 'em. At 24-0, and with no possession to speak of, to somehow end up only losing that match by 10 was a solid effort. A couple of consolation tries maybe, but you can't say that QLD had clocked off when they were pounding the Blues line for last 20 minutes. At 24-10, the Blues had plenty of chances but lacked the clinical finish. The Count's trap-with-the-foot-gone-wrong ended up being the difference; it kept Qld just far enough in front that NSW felt they had to play catch-up footy for the rest of the match...at 18-10, they're playing more sensibly in attack than at 24-10. Add home ground advantage to the Blues new-found spirit under adversity, then subtract Lockyer, add a tentative Thurston just getting back to regular football after a potentially serious injury, add/subtract Qld guys getting old, then add that Qld couldn't be more due for a series loss, and the Blues will win next year. You heard it here first.

That's me done for Origin 2011. Looking forward to 2012, where the Blues will reign and the Maroons will be of busted-ass...

Origin III Thoughts

The moment of truth is finally here for NSW, Sticky and Bozo. Only a win tonight will suffice in the eyes of WHAB. Only maroon-shirted hicks with their heads in their hands, as a tear rolls down Locky's cheek, is good enough. Near enough just ain't fucking good enough. I don't want to know about an "honourable loss" followed by Bozo talking up the 2012 tilt. It's go time Blues! Fire 'em up Gallen!

On a sobering note for the Captain is the realisation that I will soon be father to a QLDer, unless I can convince the missus to head south of the border when the moment arrives. "But the Tweed is only an hour away...honey, do you really want our son to grow up a bogan, grow a rat's tail, leave home one day in some sort of Holden vehicle, and move to Ipswich?...And worse, he'll never know the feeling of getting steak pieces caught between his two front teeth...

The poor little fella won't stand a chance..."

GO THE BLUES!!!

Isner vs Mahut Rematch Causes Riot At Wimbledon

Crazed fans rioted at Wimbledon yesterday when the highly anticipated match between John Isner and Nicholas Mahut ended after only three sets, and a mere 2 hours 3 mins. Seats were ripped out, the net was set on fire, and disgrunted tennis goons hurled any food snacks they no longer required at the players and officials.

Scenes from Court 3 after yesterday's fizzer...

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with the rest of these salted cashews?!?" asked one man, brandishing a barely-nibbled-at 2kg salted cashew bag. Others demanded refunds, crying foul that they had not gotten value for money. "Mahut just didn't put in, looked like he'd rather be elsewhere, and quite frankly, that's just not good enough" said another fan. "Tennis elbow or no, a piss-poor 34 games and a paltry 104 first serves? What a waste of time, money and honey-roasted macadamias" he said. Police had to be called in to break up the unruly mob, and CCTV footage will be viewed to identify the instigators. "Obviously the fans are disappointed that the match was over in the blink of an eye and they haven't managed to finish their snacks, but this sort of behaviour cannot be tolerated at the Championships" said a police spokesperson.

Police move in as the situation intensifies...

Not everybody was unhappy with the result as bookmakers cleaned up on the unexpectedly short match. "We didn't pay out a single winning bet on that one" chuckled Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet. Isner himself was also pleased: "Thank fuck for that! Nic wasn't himself today which helped me get through some 9 hrs quicker. Now that clay courter in the 2nd round is toast!" he declared.

When asked for his final thoughts on the rivalry, Mahut gave this: "I am ranked 94 in the world. John is ranked 47. Didn't these idiots know that Federer was playing at the same time as us? Go watch the six time Wimbledon champion instead you fucking morons!".

Isner vs Mahut: The Rematch

John Isner celebrates his Wimbledon 2010 1st round victory...before realising that he's due back for 2nd round action in just two hours...

Not content with the epic 6-4, 3-6, 6-7 (7), 7-6 (3), 70-68 win of John Isner over Nicholas Mahut last year, "God is just taking the piss" by pairing them up once more, according to Isner. "Well my first thought was 'are you shitting me?!?'", said the American beanpole. "Then I headed straight out to the practice court and pounded serves for six hours". Mahut was equally stunned with the draw, describing his first reaction to the news as "like a punch in the cock". "Seriously, I wasted eleven hours and five minutes of my life losing that fucking match. Just when I think my tennis elbow has recovered enough, now I've likely got to fire down another ten thousand serves tomorrow. What a load of bullshit!". Isner also eluded to the toll the match took on him; "While it was great to win that match, it fucked my whole tourny. I was talkin' big servin' my way into the round of 16. Instead I got fucking pumped by a clay court specialist in the second round!".

The pair have become good friends since that marathon Court 18 stoush, and when Isner joked last week that they were going to meet again, the Frenchman didn't see the funny side. "I said 'that's not even funny, I'll punch you in the cock if you say that again'". Mahut said he has prepared for the match by eating pasta and drinking Gatorade non-stop since the draw was released.

Fans have gone crazy trying to secure tickets to the match, likely to be played out once more on Court 18. "I just love serving" said one fan. "If they can just give me even half of what I was fortunate enough to behold last year, then I'll be in heaven" he said while showing off the "biggest bag of salted cashews that I could find". Another mused enthusiastically about the tactics that might be employed; "I think Nic will serve mostly down the T. That's his money serve. John will try and use his height and kick it a bit wider. It's going to be another fascinating contest!".

Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet reports that Head To Head and Set Betting have been widely overlooked in this match. "Punters are more interested in the Most Aces and Total Games options. Isner 111-120 aces is favourite there at $3, and in Total Games 181-190 is the popular pick at $4.50".

Australian tennis fans who don't have Foxtel will not see any of the match live, with Channel Nine focusing primarily on the Aussie tilt. Foxsports will show the entire match, plus a four hour highlights package the day after it's conclusion.

Hilditch Puts His Spin On Cricket

Trying not to think about another likely series loss for the Blues this evening only leads me back to something that's been bothering me every bit as much as the disgraceful lack of contract for the Master Of The Grundle, Simon Katich. What do Nathan Hauritz, Jason Krejza and Xavier Doherty have in common? Well they've all been trotted out at Test level for Australia and, quite frankly, have sucked. So in rebuilding for the future, Master Douchebag Hilditch and his merry band of douchebag selectors reward all 3 of these guys with a contract. That's right. All 3 of these guys that you've witnessed stinking it up against the Poms have been given fucking contracts. One wonders what in the fucking hell we need these guys for if they not only can't cut it at Test level, but are competing for ODI/T20 spots against Cameron White and Steve Smith. I guess, looking forward to our next Ashes tour, that gives us 5 fairly useless options in the spin department. But seriously, it's all about the future...And building an army of spinning all rounder types for limited overs. Which is great considering we just missed the boat on that one with the sub-continent World Cup done and dusted for another 12 years or more. A future of 40-year-old-spinning-all-rounder-limited-over-specialist types, ripping it up at the 2024 World Cup eh Hilditch and sidekicks? You fucking clowns, where's the future in this squad without some young spinners who've shown some early skill in the longer version of the game? And you know what? The thing that's mostly fucked us all off is losing 3 STRAIGHT FUCKING ASHES SERIES' YOU FUCKING TWATS! If I could ask for just one thing as an Aussie cricket fan, it's Ashes glory! And you're telling me Phil Hughes, a distinct lack of grundle, and this collection of spinning mediocrity is going to get the urn back for us?!? Are you d'bags off your fucking trolley?!?

So to Hilditch, G. Chappell, Boony and Cox, on behalf of all true Aussie cricket fans, Simon Katich, Brad Hodge, and even Zaheer Khan;

FUCK AND FUCK OFF NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From One Lot Of Retards To The Next...

As if the Blues demented selections weren't enough, that douchebag head of selectors for the Australian Cricket Team is at it again. This time he's decided that super-grundler Simon Katich isn't in the top 25 cricketers in the country, with a view to the next Ashes series. Sure the Kat has never been the most exciting batsmen but I've always felt that he's someone who could consistently be relied upon at the top of the order. And given our current situation, i.e, an Ashes flogging on home soil featuring a pretty average bunch of cricketers, there is no question he is well inside our best 25. He's more like top 5 or 6. I can understand that Hilditch and his cronies want to get a younger opener in for the next Ashes BUT: Firstly, they could have done it by dropping our best batsmen Watson down the order and keeping the Kat as the experienced opener. If Watson bats at 4 or 5 I reckon he averages around 80. Secondly, even if they keep Watson as opener, what happens if it doesn't work out with Hughes? Which is highly likely, mind you. The only other option is Paine who is a keeper/ODI opener and you would think more of a perfect replacement for Haddin at 7 in a couple of years. Surely you couldn't entertain the idea of Haddin opening. The man loves to loft. And that's great when you bat at 7 in Tests or open in ODI's. Not great when you open in Test Match cricket. Katich was the perfect guy to keep in this transitional phase. He gave you options. Now there's only one immediate option, and it's a huge call to assume that Hughes will work. The guy no doubt has plenty of mental scars from his previous Ashes campaigns. The worst thing about this is that because the Kat doesn't have a contract, they won't consider him even if Hughes sucks or Watson gets injured. They will have to stubbornly try to justify their belief that he's not in Australia's best 25. And he should be pointing out that he, in fact, is easily in that group, with a Brad Hodge style barrage of abuse...

I've seen it before. Once you don't have a contract, you only get a look in for a tour of Zimbabwe. And if they picked me for a tour of that hellhole, and I'm sure I can speak for the Kat here, I would consider that a fucking insult...

BREAKING NEWS: Return Of The Wolfman!

With Blues winger Akuila Uate in doubt for Origin II after trying to use a Wests Tigers player as a shovel, David Williams, AKA The Wolfman, has loomed up as the obvious replacement in the eyes of the NSW brains trust of Ricky Stuart and Bob Fulton. "He's been there before" said Fulton, referring to the Wolfman's shocking performance in a 2009 Origin match at Suncorp. "He's the logical replacement for Akuila" said Stuart, referring to Williams' comparative slowness/lack of gusto, and his inability to tackle big QLD centres and wingers. Stuart also hinted that if he does get a run, The Wolfman may be played in a variety of positions during the match. "We've canned this notion of having players only play in their specialist positions. We think if we play guys all over the place it might baffle and bewilder QLD into submission" he mused. "Don't be surprised to see him roughing it with the QLD forwards".

With the latest news, NSW has drifted to $8.50 to win Game 2 and $41 to win the series...