NRL GRAND FINAL 2011

I would just like to begin this preview by sending out a great big fuck you to Des Hasler. No reason given. Just fuck you Des.

Fuck you pal.

Well the footballing gods have had their revenge on us all by delivering us an absolute bumfuck of a NRL Grand Final match-up. Millions of bbqs scheduled for Sunday afternoon have been cancelled by apathetic fans, disgruntled at having to pick between a team of douchebags and a team of Kiwis. I'm even slightly more interested in the AFL GF this year despite being a leaguey at heart. And that's Collingwood vs Geelong. That's saying something. I could have been way more excited about the Warriors tilt had I not taken the money and run on that one...ah well, hindsight is fucking great sometimes.

I've decided to go for the Warriors. They made me a bit of cash and other than most of their team being Kiwi's, I don't really take exception to any of their players. Manly, on the other hand, have the Stewarts. Brett is a rapist. Glenn and his legal team spin doctored their way into less weeks than Adam Blair got, conveniently leaving him free to play in the GF. George Rose, despite giving Gus Gould an orgasm every time he steps onto the field, is nothing more than a fucking pie cart. Brent Kite...don't even get me started on that fucking pussy. Steve Matai is the modern day Ray Price. "Your man Matai's got another burner on his shoulder Rabbits!". 10 mins later: "Matai's over! He's off his deathbed and he's scored the match winner!". Turn it up Matai. You're not really injured. You're just clapping it on to emerge out the other side in glory. Plus, you're a dirty cheap shot merchant. On top of all this, Brett Stewart raped a hapless teenager. I may have mentioned that already. Seriously, fuck you Des Hasler:

"Todd Carney blew 0.05, that's as bad as raping a girl..."

So c'mon Warriors! That felt really wrong right there, but the hatred of Manly is overwhelming, and money talks. The Warriors are excellent value at around $2.70. Take that and Shaun Johnson for first tryscorer at around $16 and you might turn Sunday into a better night than you thought possible. And as you celebrate after backing Kevin Locke to collect the Clive Churchill medal, also at $16, you'll have the added bonus of watching Manly cry. Talk about making the best of a bad situation!

The Art Of Betfair Trading

Step 1: Back the Tigers just before they embark on a 9 game winning streak at a phat $26 to win the comp.

Step 2: Lay the Tigers off at $5.50 when they are barely clinging to a 20-18 lead with less than 10 minutes to go in their elimination final against the Warriors, making a tidy profit.

Step 3: Back the Warriors, who are looking the better side and have great field position at a phat $28 to win the comp.

Step 4: While counting your winnings from your Tigers bet, also enjoy watching the Warriors roll in to $8 to win the comp after Krisnan Inu scores a bullshit try.

Step 5: Hopefully more of the same next week as the Warriors take on the Storm!

Thank you and goodnight.

Pros And Cons Of The McIntyre System

Let's begin with the pros:

So moving on to the cons now:

* If Teams 1 & 2 win, then week 1 of the finals was not only a complete waste of time, but it also becomes unfair in week 2. Brisbane smash Team 6 and are rewarded by now playing the 5th seeded Dragons.

*If Team 1 or 2 loses in week 1, they lose home ground advantage and have to play away to a team ranked lower in week 2. This should not happen in any sort of finals system. Ever.

*Teams 5 through to 8 should never get a second chance in a finals series. Ever. Particularly when they where as shockingly inept as the Warriors were last week.

* Ken McIntyre, who among other things dabbled in mathematics, invented this system in 1931. It's fair to say that it's not only unneccessarily convoluted, but it's hopelessly outdated.

Here is what the NRL officially have to say about the McIntyre:

"There is on-going debate each year about finals systems.

The McIntyre system in rugby league has produced some of the most exciting finals series in the game’s history.

The principle of the McIntyre system is that the top team should be rewarded by playing the bottom teams in the ‘eight’. Similarly the team that finishes eighth should have to jump a high hurdle to even reach week two.

The McIntyre system allows for the greatest possible set of options about who will reach the Telstra Premiership Grand Final and it has produced some of the most exciting finals series we have seen.

It also provides the most likely chance of the top two teams from the year meeting in the Telstra Premiership Grand Final.

At the same time it means that there is pressure on every team to win at every turn in the finals as they fight to retain or secure a home ‘city’ or ‘region’ advantage.

In a competition where the demands of mid-season representative matches can affect a club’s minor premiership standing the McIntyre system provides an opportunity for those teams that are good enough to fight their way from the bottom while also rewarding the top two teams through the ‘seeding’ system (1v8, 2v7, 3v6, 4v5).

One of the most contentious aspects of the system to many people is the fact that teams from the top four can lose their home ground advantage if they lose in week one.

The rationale for this is that the system rewards the teams that win. A team that finishes eighth and which defeats the minor premier should have the incentive of a home game in the next week.

Without this the challenges of coming eighth become almost too great.

At the same time the team that finishes first or second will always be under pressure to win."

Firstly, what good is it to Manly to secure a home 'region' when they are nowhere near said region? It serves these clowns right that 10,000 less people turned up than if it were played at Brookvale.

Also, how exactly does the McIntyre give you the best chance of teams 1 and 2 playing in the GF? If team 1, team 2 or both lose in week 1, I'd suggest it becomes an absolute lottery who makes it to the final 2. I'd also suggest that these dicks check out how regularly 1 and 2 meet in AFL Grand Finals.

"A team that finishes eighth and which defeats the minor premier should have the incentive of a home game in the next week. Without this the challenges of coming eighth become almost too great"....well maybe 8th should have thought about how difficult it would be when they were playing rubbish at various stages through the year. It should be fucking difficult, not based on one performance.

For fuck's sake Gallop and co, get your fucking house in order and go with the simple, effective and fairer system that the AFL uses. I have not heard one single fan say "wow, this McIntyre system is just fantastic!" ever so you guys are fucking deluding yourselves by printing the italic-ed horseshit above. Fuck right off.

NRL FINALS PREVIEW

Tigers v Dragons

Most people whose team will not be featuring in the 2011 NRL Finals will no doubt be jumping on the Tigers bandwagon. They play exciting footy and Marshall is just superb to watch, whether on the field or punching haters in the Macca's carpark. Riding into 4th on the back of an 8 game winning streak, it's worth noting that they were paying a phat $26 after their rubbish Round 18 loss to the lowly Eels. And I mean phat, not fat like the lip of the clown who tried to sue Benji for giving him a fat lip, but phat. And my wallet will be nice and phat should the Tigers go all the way. Seriously, you go to Macca's, run your mouth off, wake up the next morning with a fat lip and take that shit to court? How about stop wasting everybody's time and man the fuck up. Benji is busy trying to win me a truckload of cash and gets pulled from training to defend charges of assault occasioning grievous fat lip?...Fuck off you soft-cock clown-man.

This could definitely go either way with the Dragons winning their last couple of regular season matches and regaining some momentum. But after falling agonisingly short against the Red V in last year's preliminary final, the Tigers will take a lot of belief into this after knocking them off in Round 22. It will likely be fairly close with the Dragons amping up their defense for the finals and going some way to tone down the Tigers. Backing the Tigers home though and hoping for losses from the Storm, Broncos and Eagles! Well two of those are feasible anyway...

Broncos v Warriors

The Warriors are always up for a stoush with Melbourne or Brisbane and no doubt Suncorp will be packed full of a ghastly concoction of heavy South Island accents, unintelligible Ipswichian shrieks and bad hair on Saturday night...

The product of Trans-Ipswich-Tasman mating: the Brogan...

Steer clear of the greater Milton area that night people...A shame for suspended tough-man Thaiday that he won't get to pick on the likes of Hohaia, Moloney and Johnson here, he no doubt would have been primed for those guys. I think the Broncos are a huge chance to win the comp but this is the match-up they didn't want. The Warriors should really test Brisbane up front and have dangerous runners in Locke, Johnson, and of course the Beast is back for this, but all I remember of the Warriors in last year's finals was them getting destroyed by the Titans. That, and a couple of other finals failures makes me a bit wary of tipping them...so I'll predict the Broncos will do it for Lockyer in another close one but will be hoping the Warriors can help take me a step closer to that phat payout...

Sea Eagles v Cowboys

I would just like to begin this piece with a great big fuck you to Des Hasler. No reason given. Just fuck you Des. With suspensions and without Brookvale Oval, it wouldn't shock to see the Eagles get rolled here. Thurston has been fairly ordinary since his return and you get the feeling if he gets his shit together the Cowboys are a chance in this. But for once and for all snuffing out my 2011 tipping competition tilt with their loss to the Warriors, Thurston and the Cowboys can go and get fucked. Anyway, should be a huge crowd at the Sydney Football Stadium which is only slightly more convenient for the Eagles. Cowboys are a sneaky chance, but like I said, they can totally get fucked.

How I would of felt if the Cowboys weren't so piss-weak...

Storm v Knights

The Storm were clearly second best against Manly two weeks ago and were made to look like under 8's against the Roosters, but with all hands back on deck, they will run right through the Knights. Newcastle are simply making up the numbers in these finals. They were the lesser of two evils last Friday night but should be commended for knocking out Rusty and his Rabbitohs:

Carn Souffs!

More Hilarity From The Sheep Shaggers

As if their funny as fuck accents, dalliances with ewes, and inability to deal with under-arm bowling weren't enough, well our Kiwi friends just get more hilarious!

http://wwos.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8286467

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! No really, it's a great initiative, and I love the clever slogan "Touch...pause...and don't engage"...

Probably a wise move when you're going home to this!

The Captain Is Back!

After a newborn-baby-boy enforced layoff over the past couple of weeks, the Captain is back! No signs of boganism yet from my little fella, let's call him Son of Captain, something to be thankful for there. I'm pleased to report that swimming as a career path has been ruled out due to his hatred of being bathed, which is great because swimming is bat-shit boring and there's fuck all money in it. My plan for him is definitely tennis; World No. 1, all four Grand Slams, spearheading the Aussie Davis Cup tilt etc. The little guy is already showing some early ability:

Son of Captain showing a solid technique, even at just two weeks of age...

The added bonus with tennis is the lack of boganity in the sport. It will give him an escape from going to Brisbane Broncos matches with his bogan school friends. I've been ironing out my own technique over the last few months in preparation of becoming a supercoach/tennis dad. Just don't skimp on the fish mofo or I'll smash your fucking camera to pieces asshole...Should be nice, travelling the world, hanging out with former tennis legends, smashing cameras/phones, lying down in protest in the middle of the Flushing Meadows carpark, accusing umpires of cheating, psyching out opponents in the locker room...

I'll be in my element..........

The Professor Returns...Forgets To Hit "Publish Post"...Is This Piece Actually Finished? I'm Not Sure...

Time to offer the Australian selectors a bit of credit, following the release of the Australian test squad to tour Sri Lanka. I begun reading the squad with trepidation, knowing that the 'Kat' wouldn't be there, no beacon of batsmanship in a sea of nonsense was expected from the top-order. And of course, there was no Katich. Too old. Too useful. Values his wicket. Once threatened to throw hands with his lovestruck skipper.

But then... Shaun Marsh! Huzzah. Just the man that could have righted the ship against England all summer. Marsh deserves his chance at this level, as only a mountain of runs or an interesting haircut can convince this selection panel. And his call-up is long overdue. Sure, he may not get a run, with the amazing form of Phil Hughes, and the man who proves that nothing can prolong your career like a good multi-vitamin - Ricky Ponting - standing between him and a test match, but at least we know he is finally knocking on the door.

And the bowling looks likely. The choice of Copeland is again, late. Weight of wickets eventually has triumphed. Roebuck, between being a complete dick, threw out a Sarfraz comparison for Copeland today and one hopes that the comparison is for bowling, rather than the pants prowess that surely made Sarfraz's card read: 'never to play test cricket ever ever again no matter how well he bowls.'

There are of course issues. The aforementioned Kat omission rankles the most. And Mitchell Johnson again proves that he can neither bowl his way out of a wet paper bag, or the test team. And two duelling spinners, battling for a test spot. This may remind the selectors of taking both Slater and Hayden on an ashes tour and watching them raise their games, battling for the opportunity to open with Mark Taylor. The difference however, is that neither is very good.

Of course, the most irksome issue is that two young, quality quicks will make the trip to Sri Lanka, return the kind of figures that only the subcontinent can give you and get the non-test-player stamp on them.

Fifty Not Enough?

AFL umpires boss Jeff Gieschen dropped a bombshell yesterday by hinting at the introduction of a 'one hundred metre penalty' for season 2012. Gieschen, who has come under fire for his umpires' repeated shithouse performances, the unbelievable amount of fifty metre penalties awarded over the past few weeks, and general game-ruining, hit back at his team's critics. "It's one hundred percent the players fault. They are obviously just all completely fucking stupid. It seems that they're not getting the message and we may need to look into harsher penalties" he said. "Whether you're five metres over the mark or five millimetres, I really don't give a fuck. And if you're a millisecond too late to a contest, that's a fifty all fucking day. A player should realise in the millisecond before his millisecond of being late that he is going to be a millisecond too late and thus, is going to be a millimetre over the mark, and pull out of the contest" continued Gieschen.

Gieschen examining a bump from the weekend's play...six to eight weeks for that shit son!

He also suggested that fans and umpires alike loved fifty metre penalties. "I know for a fact the boys love to dish them out, but I also sense the excitement of the fans when a fifty is awarded. The crowd just goes wild! A seemingly innocuous passage of chipping on the half-back line becomes a set shot from fifty metres out. A shot from fifty metres out becomes a 'gimme'. What fan wouldn't enjoy watching their team march up the field without actually having to play any footy to do it?!?". Suggesting that a harsher penalty for infringements at the marking contest was needed, Gieschen put forth the idea of a 'hundy'. "Not only could this help with dumb-ass players facing the prospect of an even bigger spray from their coach, we could have full-backs getting shots on goal. We could have guys like Matty Scarlett and Daniel Merrett in Coleman medal contention..." he mused.

Fan reaction to the news was mixed. "As a Collingwood bogan, we know we can bully the umpires into shit decisions so it's going to be great for the 'Pies" said Collingwood bogan cheer-squad leader Joffa.

Already top of the table, the 'Pies and their bogan army will be unstoppable with the introduction of the 'hundy'...

"Fuck the umpires, fuck Gieschen, fuck fiftys, fuck hundys. The game has become a fucking unwatchable joke. I watched a replay of the 2003 Grand Final recently and I could swear that I was watching a different fucking game. It was unrecognisable. That was only eight years ago! Seriously, you can't fucking bump a guy without getting rubbed out and you can't even look at the guy on the mark or you cop a fucking 'hundy'. This is what you get when put a guy in charge who was a shit player and a shit coach, he becomes a shit director of umpiring and gives already shit umpires ways and means to become more shit. Thanks for completely ruining the game fuckheads" said seriously fucked off Brisbane fan Captain Carnage.

The umpires boss is also coming under fire from players with a spate of broken ankles, torn ankle ligaments and torn calf muscles in recent weeks. Many are considering legal action after sustaining their injuries trying to avoid going a millimetre over the mark whilst running at full speed. "Basic physics will tell you that it's impossible to just stop dead when you're running at full speed but that is what we are being asked to do. I tried to stop on a dime, my ankle just snapped like a twig, and then while writhing on the ground in agony, I suffer the added pain of the umpy awarding another fifty" said one player who didn't wish to be named for legal reasons, and also so he could unleash this spray on Gieschen and his "faggot" umpires: "It's season over because of these fuckwits and their bullshit rules. They just fuck the game up a little bit more each year. Those little, mostly balding fuckers in their gimpy little outfits, with pasty poofter chicken legs, with no feel for the game whatsoever, they just make my fucking blood boil. Thanks a fucking lot you bunch of cockbags."

"That's a hundy! You can't call me a gaylord, even if it's true!"

You Know It's (Definitely!) Not Your Team's Year When...

On the Rabbitohs last set of six in regular time, Roosters hooker Anthony Mitchell is knocked out next to the play the ball. When this happened to Mick Crocker earlier in the game, play was stopped for 10 mins while he was helped off the ground, stunned, but resplendant in a freshly-dressed Armani suit...Is he okay?...We can hold up the game for a bit longer if his measurements aren't quite right...But anyway, with Mitchell in fucking la-la land, this time, it's 'play on'. Whatever. After Souths complete their set, the Roosters work their way downfield to seemingly set up a shot at the match-winning field goal. Anasta is set to the left, 40m out. Just where he hit that one to sink the Tigers in last year's finals...it's going to Anasta there on the left, that's the play...then, as a still obviously concussed Mitchell staggers into dummy half and fires the ball to the right, and a valiant 42m left-footed attempt from Jason Ryles lands 10m short and 5m wide, as the big fella throws his hands in the air and asks "why the fuck would you give it to me?!?!?', well, you can almost sense that little fucker Sandow smashing over a golden-point droppy from 52m out in the rain...

There's always next year.....

Origin 2011, Final Thoughts

Congratulations QLD. Congratulations Locky. Congratulations even to fat Inglis, though commiserations to Rusty Crowe because that'll be all for Inglis for the season!

I am always gracious in defeat, and don't generally like to comment straight after matches where my team has lost, as drunk QLDer mates tend to pass it off as sour grapes, without even listening to what I say.

Again, congrats to QLD, what I'm about to say is not meant to undermine the Maroons victory in any way...

But Tony Archer is the worst fucking referee ever in the history of Rugby League. I had no dramas whatsoever with Shayne Hayne's call of the game tonight, but the slicked-back Archer, too busy greasing back his hair and listening to his own whiny voice instead of being competent, well he can go fuck himself, and then do it again. He now has the trifecta; a fucking disgraceful performance in the NRL Grand Final, a fucking disgraceful performance in the Tri-Nations Final, and a fucking disgraceful performance in the Origin Decider. And yet, this fuckwit, who clearly isn't up to it, continues to be awarded with a whistle in the big games. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! If he inexplicably gets given another big game, then I will have no choice but to be at said game and finish what Todd Carney started...

And Sam Thaiday...what a hard man. He smashed Soward. He really smashed Pearce. He picked a fight with Gidley. He even smashed this puny, pasty clown:


Fuck you're a hard man Sammy. You are real tough guy. Maybe even a hero...

Final Analysis: Lockyer = champion. Archer = fuckwit. Thaiday = "hard man". Sticky, brought some passion back to the Blues shirt. Bozo, enough is e-fucking-nough. Everyone has a place in life...yours is with The Continuous Call Team. Qld got the business done and Locky got his fairytale...But the Blues showed me enough, in a series with two away games, to make them specials for next year. That's right, put your house on 'em. At 24-0, and with no possession to speak of, to somehow end up only losing that match by 10 was a solid effort. A couple of consolation tries maybe, but you can't say that QLD had clocked off when they were pounding the Blues line for last 20 minutes. At 24-10, the Blues had plenty of chances but lacked the clinical finish. The Count's trap-with-the-foot-gone-wrong ended up being the difference; it kept Qld just far enough in front that NSW felt they had to play catch-up footy for the rest of the match...at 18-10, they're playing more sensibly in attack than at 24-10. Add home ground advantage to the Blues new-found spirit under adversity, then subtract Lockyer, add a tentative Thurston just getting back to regular football after a potentially serious injury, add/subtract Qld guys getting old, then add that Qld couldn't be more due for a series loss, and the Blues will win next year. You heard it here first.

That's me done for Origin 2011. Looking forward to 2012, where the Blues will reign and the Maroons will be of busted-ass...