FIFA World Cup 2010 Final

Spain have dominated posession against all the teams they've played in the Cup, yet lost to the McValue Meal merchants of Switzerland, and have a biggest winning margin of 2-0 against Honduras (despite having about 100 shots on goal). It really just underlines the fact that they don't have the knockout punch without Fernando Torres firing. It remains to be seen if this lack of killer instinct comes back to bite them at the final hurdle...if you have the Dutch down, you might want to make sure you finish them off. Their passing game is second to none, and early against Germany, the Krauts simply couldn't get the ball. Defensively they've been solid except for the sloppy goal they allowed the Swiss in the first match, and more importantly, they have kept three clean sheets in the knockout stages. David Villa has been in fine form, scoring five of their seven goals...maybe Torres is due for a big game, and then, perhaps they'll be unstoppable.

The Dutch have finally lived up to the expectations of everyone except this guy:

"Aaarrrgghhh the Dutch are just so boring these days! They need to play more like Brazil. Even though they beat Brazil in the quarters, Brazil weren't playing like Brazil, so that doesn't count because it was just so boring...Aaarrrggghhh! If Brazil had of played like Spain that night they would have beaten the boring-as-batshit Dutch bastards! If the Socceroos played like Spain too..."

When I think of the Dutch, this delightful combination is the first thing that comes to my mind:



The Dutch have been keeping a hold of the ball too but not doing enough with it for Fozzie's liking. Not enough movement he says. They've looked alright to everybody else though in scoring 12 goals en route to the final. Arjen Robben and Wesley Sniejder are key players, and expect Kuyt to make the usual nuisance of himself in trying to unsettle the Spanish defense. It was worth noting that Uruguay cottoned on to the fact that Robben always tries to cut in-field onto his preferred left foot (something Slovakia somehow missed) and closed him down in that respect. Spain have no doubt taken note of that too. The Spaniards will also want to close down the area outside the box as there are numerous Dutchmen with a penchant for long-range goals.

Also of interest is the battle for the Golden Boot; David Villa and Wesley Sneijder are tied with five goals apiece. In the third place encounter, Thomas Muller and Diego Forlan have four, as does Miroslav Klose, though he is an injury doubt for the match. It would be sad for football fans if he doesn't play; he needs one more goal to tie Ronaldo's record of 15 World Cup goals. Luis Suarez is the outsider with three goals.

I'm tipping Spain to control the match and win 1-0 and me to win cash. I backed the Spaniards at the start of the Cup, and after a horror start they've come good. Defensively they've been brilliant in the knockout stages, and keeping a red hot German side scoreless emphasises this point. Holland are definitely chance, but I'm calling it Spain 1-0. Obviously I'd like to see more goals, and Fozzie would like to see more movement from the Dutch, but I reckon it's going to be tight and a goal either way could win it. And I think it could be in the script that Torres scores the winning goal...

Enjoy the game...only four more years to wait.....sigh........

Seeing Red

During my daily dump, something didn't feel right...my ass was sore.....it turned out that I'd passed out two red cards that have been recently rammed up my Aussie ass. We've been f'd in the a by FIFA refs again, and what's more, by Italians again:

Try a yellow card and a penalty you fucking Italian fucker drama queen.

The equation doesn't change for the boys. We have to beat Serbia. It's looking likely we'll have to do this with 10 men going on recent FIFA fucktard trends. Now we have to also rely on other results. We qualify with a win and Ghana somehow beating Germany. I am flabbergasted that a team as shit as Ghana is topping the group. We dominated them despite playing with 10 for nearly 70 minutes. They've done absolutely fucking nothing except knock in two penalties. So maybe it's more likely that Germany give them an absolute flogging and help us overcome a goal difference of 5. Either way, we'll take it. It would feel more right if Ghana got some come-uppance, rather than more penalties, for their all round garbage display at this Cup. JB is running conspiracy theories by me, claiming that FIFA want the Africans teams to do well, and that has a lot to do with Ghana mind-bogglingly topping the group. Perhaps he's onto something. We just need some hard evidence JB; like some photos of Blatter copping some under the table action...

There's still hope...and all I can think about is how much sweeter it will be if with get through, despite repeated reamings...Go Socceroos!

Analysis Of A Nightmare

PART 1

There's one thing for certain after the horror show against Germany. You can never trust a greasy haired motherfucker:

Fucking card-slinging, slicked-back-haired mofo. Red card indeed you fucking cocksucker.

There's no way that is a red card in any competition in the world. So now we are missing our best player for the must-win clash with Ghana because of this fucking clown. And because FIFA don't have the common sense to have a review panel for fucked calls like this. The World Cup is supposed to be the best players, teams, and you'd like to think, the best officials. Marco Rodriguez is clearly not one of these. What's more, he is an environmental hazard:

A stricken bird rescued from the oil slick on top of Rodriguez' head.

For Germany's first goal, Klose was in an offside position, enough to get defenders interested. That is offside, even if someone else scores. So fuck you too Mr. Anonymous Fucker Linesman.

Everyone in sundry has panned the Pimp. And maybe it wasn't the most attacking line-up that he went with, but seriously, our midfield was virtually non-existent. It was like the autobahn through the middle of the park. They were nothing but passengers, which makes it tough when you have an aging back four. Moore and Chipperfield were awful in defense, particularly Moore. He looked like a guy who is club-less and whose last gig was in the A-League; that is, totally out of his depth. Chipperfield has lost more than a yard of pace and is just too slow tracking back. Say what you will about the Pimp's decision to play a lone striker but Garcia was one of our best. With our midfielders and defenders getting smashed, the rare occasions he got near the ball he looked lively. I would however suggest that he might have been a bit more dangerous circling around a certain beanpole.

Where to now? It's certainly not time to throw in the towel, especially after the bumfuck of a game between Ghana and Serbia that preceded. They both showed nothing to have us shaking in our boots and quite frankly, if they dish up that shit against Germany, they'll suffer the same fate as us. We have to beat them both, and without Cahill, that means Kewell and Bresciano must play, actually they must start, even if they're not 100% fit. Surely Moore has to be replaced. Maybe Beauchamp gets a run there. I'll give Chippers another chance so long as he's on a strict sprint training regime this week. But I re-iterate, Kewell and Bresciano must start or else I will also join the chorus of fans cursing the Pimp.

Just remember, in Germany '06 Ukraine got pumped 4-0 by Spain in their first match but still qualified for the knockout stages, even though they were absolute rubbish. They even went on to the quarter finals if you can believe that! Surely the most terrible team to ever do so. Australia at full strength are definitely not that bad. It's not over yet people! Go the Socceroos! Show us some ticker boys!

PART 2

This campaign for the NSW Blues has just been a balltearer of a nightmare. We've now picked a side for game 2, which funnily enough, might have given us a real chance to win game 1. It's lose-lose for Blues fans. We lose the game and it's five straight. We win the game and the selectors and Bellamy are all over that win like a dirty rash in the nether regions. Pencil them in for another five years of fucking torture. The worst thing about the continuous fuck-ups at the selection table is Laurie Daley trying to justify them every week on Foxsports. Spare me fucking days.

"Look we know Jamie Lyon hates playing five-eighth but we thought he could do a job there. You've got to be able to adapt in Origin. Jamie will learn from that. The players just didn't step up which was disappointing. We thought we picked a great team but the players were just so disappointing and didn't step up and just couldn't adapt to foreign positions. When you pull on a Blues jersey, you've got to expect the unexpected and adapt, do a job, and step up".

How about you step down instead Loz? I've had enough of these fucking Johns brothers by the way. If it's not a gangbang, it's popping pingers, or racial slurs.

I'll always support the Blues players, except of course for the ones that are shithouse. They know who they are Josh Perry. Even the selectors agreed with me on that one! So hopefully they muscle up, and win or lose, go some knuckle and general off-the-ball thuggery!

Meet Your World Cup Groups: GROUP D!!!

GERMANY (FIFA RANKING: 6)

I love Germany:

Mmmmm....Currywurst!

And I very much hope to go back there one day:

Picture perfect...a stein of my favourite beer in the world, Radeberger Pilsner.

Which is why I was a bit disappointed when we drew them. I would have preferred an Italy for some revenge, or Uruguay, this time for a stoush actually in the World Cup! But there you go, we have Germany. In qualifying, the Germans didn't lose a game and conceded just 5 goals. But it's not all good for the Krauts; goalkeeper Nauer late last year was only battling for the 3rd-choice keeper spot, captain Ballack has been ruled out and there are form queries over striker pairing Klose and Gomez. Their strength here is the defensive unit of Lahm, Mertesacker, Friedrich Boateng and Badstuber. In the midfield Schweinsteiger and Trochowski are key players, but it's the youngster Ozil who's tipped to become the next superstar for the Germans. Up front there's Klose and Podolski who were both fantastic in Germany '06, Gomez, and waiting in the wings, Cacau and Kiessling (second top goalscorer in the Bundesliga last season). So it's going to be tough for the Socceroos, but not impossible...

SERBIA (FIFA RANKING: 16)

Watching highlights of the Serbs in qualifying had me a bit worried, but New Zealand showed that perhaps we'll have the defensive game plan to frustrate them also. And even without a star striker, we have a lot more going forward than the Kiwis. Followers of the EPL will be very familiar with the defensive capabilities of Vidic and Ivanovic, so it's going to be tough to break them down. In the midfield they have new Liverpool signing Jovanovic and the veteran Stankovic, giving support to Sonofabic and Fuckoffyabic. Up forward they have a monster in the 2.02m Zigic:

Josh Kennedy = 194cm...And we thought we have a beanpole!

But if you can lose to the Sheep-Shaggers then you're easy meat for the Socceroos! Yes I'm drunk and full of bravado posting this, but I don't care, Go the Socceroos!!!

GHANA (FIFA RANKING: 32)

Ghana have also lost their captain, and for the Black Stars, this is a big deal. When Chelsea lost Essien mid-season, they looked lost. He's that good. And Ghana will miss him no end. If they really click, they have the potential to beat us by a couple of goals, but they don't click all that often. I think we can frustrate the hell out of Ghana and finish with a comfortable victory. All along I've thought that this is the game to target the maximum 3 points. Even without Essien, their strengths lie in the midfield with the likes of Appiah, Muntari and Asamoah. Gyan up front is dangerous and needs to be contained, but you know what, the drunker I get here, the more Ghana gets the wooden spoon in this group! Go the Socceroos!!!!!!

AUSTRALIA (FIFA RANKING: 20)

I have never wavered in my belief that we can get a result out of our first match with Germany. A lot of Australian football fans still have an inferiority complex towards their own team, but the fact is, we are world class. Sure a genuine striker would be nice, a bit more depth would be nice too, but if we get it right, we are capable of great things:



It's the perfect time for us to play the Germans, that is, in a situation where they are not facing elimination with a loss. We are certainly capable of beating Serbia and Ghana. The form of Cahill and Kewell will ultimately depend on how far we go, but I'll predict that we progress. Like Germany '06:



Good times people. Go the Socceroos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prediction: Australia to absolutely smash this group (I've had a couple) and progress with Germany!

Group D

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
7	14 June	Durban	Germany	Australia	04:30
8	14 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	Serbia	Ghana	00:00
21	18 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Germany	Serbia	21:30
24	20 June	Rustenburg	Ghana	Australia	00:00
39	24 June	Johannesburg	Ghana	Germany	04:30
40	24 June	Nelspruit	Australia	Serbia	04:30

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group H

SPAIN (FIFA RANKING: 2)

Obviously one of the main chances to win the World Cup in South Africa, and, as such, will take care of this lot. They are deserving Cup favourites but I just have this feeling that they'll fall short. Whether they can go all the way or not, the one thing that's for sure is that you'll want to watch all their games. Torres and Villa up front. Service from Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas and Alonso. Guys almost as good on the bench. Should be good fun people. And they clearly have the most versatile squad, which optimises their chances of taking home the Cup. In fact, the more I think about this squad, the more I think they are going to win the whole tournament. At the start of this paragraph I had the feeling that they'd fall just short...but upon closer inspection, and with some of their cracking goals in qualifying playing in the background here on Destination South Africa, well I've changed my mind. They can totally win it all. As for this group, they could probably sneak through it with all the players they've left at home...

Another party bus tour for the Spaniards?!?

SWITZERLAND (FIFA RANKING: 24)

I still haven't forgiven the Swiss for their part in the worst World Cup match I've ever seen and am ever likely to see, that being the footballing disgrace that was Switzerland vs Ukraine (round of 16, Germany 2006). Neither team even remotely tried to win in the most negative and unattractive football match I've ever seen. Period. And then they lost the penalty shootout 3-0. A total softcock performance. To think if we had of got past Italy, that Ukraine was waiting to be thrashed......anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the Professor loathes Switzerland with a passion for charging him $20AU for a McValue Meal. The Swiss qualified top in their European group ahead of Greece but since then have managed just one draw from 4 home games. I'm not expecting much from them, they'll probably look upon their clash with Honduras as winnable but I see Spain and Chile being far too strong. Players to watch are striker and captain Alexander Frei and staunch defender Phillipe Senderos.

CHILE (FIFA RANKING: 18)

A team who may be a bit under-rated heading into the Cup but not by myself. Finishing 2nd in South American qualifying means they are a serious football side and one that could go deep into the business end of the tournament if they get hot, pardon the pun. Chilean football is probably best known for the Roberto Rojas Scandal, where goalkeeper Rojas faked that he been hit with a firework, cut up his face with a razor concealed in his glove, was ordered by his coach to stay on the field until dramatically stretchered off, which led to his team being ordered off the field by their captain. A false medical report was then submitted by their phony team doctor. The point of this fanciful and desperate charade was to avoid losing to Brazil in a World Cup qualifier, a result that would have knocked Chile out of contention, and basically to get Brazil sanctioned for the fireworks "attack" sending Chile to the Cup. It backfired spectacularly with them effectively being booted out of any possible participation in the 1990 and 1994 World Cups, and life bans all round. Anyways, they are back on the big stage and my tip is that they'll be joining Spain in the knockout stages. While they may not be household names yet, players to watch are Arturo Vidal, Mattias Fernandez, Mark Gonzalez, Humberto Suazo and Alexis Sanchez.

HONDURAS (FIFA RANKING: 38)

Tottenham star Wilson Palacios has a great attitude going into the World Cup: "It doesn't hurt to dream". And by dreaming, he doesn't just mean dreaming of the second round, he means winning the World Cup...Joining Palacios in Mission Impossible is evergreen 36 year old striker Carlos Pavon, who was Honduras' leading goalscorer in qualifying. Pavon is pretty old but spare a thought for Hendry Thomas:

How old is this guy? 40? 50? Only 25 actually...

Honduras are a handy team, who hopefully will have a real crack and punish the Swiss for their over-priced McValue meals, but I fancy that Chile will get the better of them and the dream will still be just that...

PREDICTION: Spain and Chile to progress.

Group H

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
15	16 June	Nelspruit	Honduras	Chile	21:30
16	17 June	Durban	Spain	Switzerland	00:00
31	22 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Chile	Switzerland	00:00
32	22 June	Johannesburg	Spain	Honduras	04:30
47	26 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	Chile	Spain	04:30
48	26 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	Switzerland	Honduras	04:30

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group G

COTE D'IVOIRE (FIFA RANKING: 27)

The best of the African teams despite being only the third ranked African side, and will battle with Portugal for a place in the last 16. They'll play some attractive football no doubt, but not much of that will be in defense, despite having Eboue and Kolo Toure at the back. Expect them to let in a couple of sloppy goals. Up front there's Drogba, who despite making a case for being the best striker in the world, is a massive, massive diver.

For club,

and country...

Joining the party up front is Chelsea team-mate Kalou who is coming off a pretty good season of his own. It's always fun watching the Elephants, but you wouldn't really ever want your money on them to go really deep in a World Cup, particularly when they have to knock over Brazil or Portugal in the group stages.

PORTUGAL (FIFA RANKING: 3)

Another team at South Africa 2010 with some depth in their talent stocks, Portugal were far from convincing in qualifying and in a recent friendly against Cape Verde.

In case you'd never heard of it either, that's Cape Verde in the middle of nowhere there...

With attacking players like Ronaldo, Simao, Deco and Nani, and with quality defenders in Carvalho, Ferreira and Alves, it's hard to understand how they could make football look difficult at times. Like France though, they seem to get their shit sorted when there's a World Cup on. The match against Cote d'Ivoire decides who's going through...it also has the potential to be one of the matches of the tournament if Portugal come to the party.

NORTH KOREA (FIFA RANKING: 105)

Despite North Korea's strong history in World Cups where star striker Kim Jong-Il scored many goals against Brazil and the likes, they are gonna get f'd in the a big time here. Kim Jong-Il later went on to win the British Masters and the F1 Driver's Championship too according to North Korean folklore:

Kim Jong-Il prepares for the Wimbledon final...

But without him, they are going to suffer death by football skillz three times over. That is all. They'll be feeling like this after the Cup:

BRAZIL (FIFA RANKING: 1)

I don't need to tell you that Brazil are the business. Everyone knows that. They'll win this group and are my tip to win the tournament. And not because they are Brazil and score a lot of goals. They also have a strong defensive unit led by the beastly Lucio, along with his Inter team-mates Maicon and goalkeeper Julio Cesar. The goals will come from Fabiano and Robinho, assisted by the likes of Kaka, Melo, Baptista and Elano. They have incredible depth at every position; when you can leave Ronaldinho out of the squad, and Gomes, who was absolutely heroic for Tottenham last season, can only make back-up goalkeeper...wow. You'd be thinking they'd be keen to atone for the un-Brazilian rubbish campaign that was Germany 2006, and I shudder to think what they are going to do to North Korea in this group. They are gonna royally f them in the a. Ouch.

PREDICTION: Brazil to win the group and Portugal's big tournament experience to sneak them past Cote d'Ivoire. Drogba to dive his way to the "most dives in the group stages" category.

Group G

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
13	16 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Ivory Coast	Portugal	00:00
14	16 June	Johannesburg	Brazil	North Korea	04:30
29	21 June	Johannesburg	Brazil	Ivory Coast	04:30
30	21 June	Cape Town	Portugal	North Korea	21:30
45	26 June	Durban	Portugal	Brazil	00:00
46	26 June	Nelspruit	North Korea	Ivory Coast	00:00

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group F

ITALY (FIFA RANKING: 5)

Remember this diving bitch?!?


Like any of us can forget. Grosso, you are a fucking homo, and I'll hate you forever, even if it really was a foul...GET UP YOU FUCKING POOFTER!!!

Yeah, so Italy are pretty good, but seriously, fuck them. And that's not just sour grapes from Germany 2006. Well, maybe just a bit. Okay I'm still nowhere near over it, so kill me. And Grosso isn't in the 2010 squad, but yeah, like I said, fuck those finger-shaking-at-the-ref bitches. They comfortably topped their qualifying group, probably from diving all over the place and wagging their index finger at the ref like so:

They have a cast of Serie A stars in Cannavaro, Pirlo, Gattuso, Iaquinta, Gilardino, De Rossi etc, and I wish them all the worst in South Africa. In a perfect world, they'd get rolled by New Zealand here, but instead they'll probably dive their way to topping this group in a bitchly manner.

PARAGUAY (FIFA RANKING: 31)

Paraguay's strike weapon over the past few years has been tall striker Roque Santa Cruz. I am a Manchester City fan, and from what I've seen of Santa Cruz this year, well, it's been pretty shite. Santa Cruz aside, they are obviously a handy side, finishing 3rd in South America. Benfica's Cardozo is a quality finisher and Borussia Dortmund pair Barrios and Valdez will also help pick up the slack. In fact, Santa Cruz might be lucky to get a run with coach Martino usually favouring new Sunderland signing and attacking midfielder Riveros in the starting lineup. They will, however, really miss the multi-talented Cabanas who had the misfortune of being shot in the head in January. Recent form saw them dominationg possesion but going down to Republic Of Ireland, and a 2-2 draw with Cote'd Ivoire. So you expect a side with such credentials and decent enough lead up form to give a real sight. A strong chance to progress, especially if they can knock off Slovakia.

NEW ZEALAND (FIFA RANKING: 78)

I'd love to see our cuzzy bro's from across the ditch do well, but the fact is, they are easily the least talented team heading to South Africa. Yes, they looked very competitive against the Socceroos in the recent Friendly...but we were missing 6 starters...and still beat them 2-1. And I know that the Aussies in '06 were a case in point of a team playing with their hearts on their sleeves. But seriously bro', as fun as it is having the Sheep-Shaggers at the WC, they are not progressing. I'll support my Kiwi cuzzies in supporting them against the other teams in this group, and I was shocked when they grundled their way past Serbia last week, but they're not going through...if they get a point, they'll be happy, if they can get two points, they'll be absolutely stoked and if they get a win, they'll be partying Kiwi circa 1985 style:

SLOVAKIA (FIFA RANKING: 34)

I don't know too much about these guys, but what I do know is that they won a tough group in qualifying. And if I'm tipping Slovenia (2nd in the same group) to progress, then Slovakia must be a strong chance to do the same. My concern is that their preparation is not ideal leading into a World Cup with just two matches against Cameroon and Costa Rica. The key player is Napoli attacking midfielder Marek Hamsik who has some serious quality about him. At the back, Liverpool's Martin Skrtel will be filling the central defence and up front, the go-to guy is Sestak. They look a well-drilled outfit, capable of some attacking football as well. But really, I'm just going to have to toss a coin to decide between Slovakia and Paraguay...

PREDICTION: Heads Slovakia, tails Paraguay...and it's TAILS! Paraguay to progress with the Azzurri bitches. For punters, you'll get a lot better value taking Slovakia to progress.

Group F

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
11	15 June	Cape Town	Italy	Paraguay	04:30
12	15 June	Rustenburg	New Zealand	Slovakia	21:30
27	20 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	Slovakia	Paraguay	21:30
28	21 June	Nelspruit	Italy	New Zealand	00:00
41	25 June	Johannesburg	Slovakia	Italy	00:00
42	25 June	Polokwane	Paraguay	New Zealand	00:00

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group E

NETHERLANDS (FIFA RANKING: 4)

If you look up "massive under-achievers" in the Football Dictionary, you'll find pages of pictures of men in orange shirts, some looking puzzled, others downcast and others just downright embarrassed.

Oh the humanity...

It's great to watch the Dutch in full flight, unfortunately, they are usually only on for a short time frame. You've really got to catch them. Like in their WC qualifying group where they smashed all-comers. They were the first team to qualify for the Cup because of their total domination of their group. And with the likes of Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder, this Group better watch out or they could be similarly pantsed. Or otherwise there might be more pictures to add to that "massive under-achievers" bit. Robben and Sneijder are quite simply superb footballers and it's no coincidence that their teams squared off in the Champions League Final. And then you throw into the mix names such as Van Persie, Kuyt, Huntelaar, De Jong and Van Bommel and it usually equals fun. At the back, they are captained by Van Bronckhorst but will be missing a familiar face in goal; despite still being considered one of the best keepers in the world, Edwin Van Der Sar has retired from international football. I'm going to lay it on the line, they are absolute specials to top this group...better than bank interest as the tight-ass punters say.

DENMARK (FIFA RANKING: 35)

Having accidentally deleted the Denmark episode of Destination South Africa, I asked the boys what they know of the Danes. The Professor offered this:

If she plays her cards right...Mrs Professor Chaos!

Luckily, after my faux pas with the IQ planner, we have a resident expert on all things Danish...

JB Says: Ahh Denmark...Won the 92 European championship after not even qualifying (made it in after yugoslavia didn’t attend for political reasons).

Denmarks 4^th world cup and each time having progressed from the group stage – highest reaching the quarter finals in 98.

Qualified this world cup by ousting Sweden and touching up Portugal.

Coach played in WC for Denmark in 86 and coach of Denmark in 02

They tend to play a 4-3-3 due mainly to a lack of star creative players and strikers.

Strength is in first class defensive partnership of Daniel Agger (Liverpool) and Simon Kjaer (Palermo) in the centre of defense. Full backs of Lars Jacobson (Blackburn) and Michael Lumb (Zenit St Petersburg) filling out the back 4 are good but not great. Good depth with central defender Per Krodrup (Fiorentina) on the bench.

Absolute key to the team is Christian Poulsen (Juventus) playing the role of holding midfielder. Will probably be supported in the middle by Daniel Jensen (Werder Bremen) and William Kvist (Copenhagen) with up and coming star of the future Christian Eriksen (Ajax) prob being called on from the bench to provide much needed sparkle in the team.

Upfront you have Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal) and Jon Dahl Tomasson (Feyenoord), although Tomasson has suffered from a severe lack of goals recently.

Very much favoured to make it through the group ahead of Japan and Cameroon with some saying the have the goods to beat an ageing Italy whom they would likely meet in the rnd of 16.

A team built on defence with little spark or depth upfront. Will handle Japan well but could find that Cameroon has enough to put one past them and unable to do the same to the Africans. Having said that depending on what Dutch team turn up to play (mentally more than actual squad selection), possible to hold them out to a draw or get pantsed by 2-3 goals.

Circa 125-1 to win the overall tournament, more action to see if they make it through the group.

JAPAN (FIFA RANKING: 45)

Well, you breath a sigh of relief when you don't draw Tim Cahill in your group...and then you draw the Netherlands! And then you find out your coach is off his trolley, talking up some semi-final action in South Africa! If I was Takeshi Okada, I'd definitely be focusing on just making it out of this group for starters. It's going to be tough for the Blue Samurai, probably a little too tough, though not beyond the realms of possibility. There's no way they'll beat the Netherlands but they are a chance against Denmark and Cameroon. The fact that the 3 teams fighting for 2nd here are from different corners of the globe makes for some intrigue. They'll be hoping for big campaigns from Shunsuke Nakamura in the midfield, Nakazawa in defence and Tamada up front. The guy I'm most looking forward to watching is Keisuke Honda; he made me a fan as he helped CSKA Moscow make it through to the Champions League quarter finals. They're recent form is not good with two home defeats, to Serbia 3-0, and Korea Republic 2-0. Okada is talking totally crazy with his top 4 prediction. I'm tipping they miss out on the knockout stages despite having a kick-ass national anthem...

CAMEROON (FIFA RANKING: 19)

Indomitable: adjective- that cannot be subdued by will, or courage; unconquerable: an indomitable warrior. So the Indomitable Lions is a pretty cool nickname then. Though their idea of an Indomitable Lion;

Looks like Aslan painted green...

All I've heard is that they're the most successful African side in World Cups, which isn't much to write home about. But Cameroon do have a lot of quality about them, starting with their captain, Inter's Samuel Eto'o. Other big names include Makoun (Lyon), Alexandre Song (Arsenal) and Tottenham Hotspur defenders Assou-Ekotto and Bassong. They came through in one of the tougher African qualifying groups (Togo, Morocco, Gabon), and the expectations are high for the World Cup. Perhaps too high. I think they'll fight it out with Denmark for 2nd place in the group. As for knocking off the Dutch...I don't think so.

Prediction: Hey Hey Let's Go Kenka Suru, Taisetsu Ma Nono, PROTECT MY BALLS!!! Netherlands to win the Group, but sorry Okada, you're totally crazy with your top 4 prediction. You should be admitted for that. I will take Denmark ahead of Cameroon for 2nd. Boka Gu Warui, So Let's Fighting Love!!!

Group E

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
9	14 June	Johannesburg	Netherlands	Denmark	21:30
10	15 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	Japan	Cameroon	00:00
25	19 June	Durban	Netherlands	Japan	21:30
26	20 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	Cameroon	Denmark	04:30
43	25 June	Rustenburg	Denmark	Japan	04:30
44	25 June	Cape Town	Cameroon	Netherlands	04:30

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group C

ENGLAND (FIFA RANKING: 8)

Could it finally be time for England again? The Poms always have massive expectations heading into World Cups, usually borne from hot air rather than a squad genuinely talented enough to go all the way. But this time they may just have the right mix. For starters, they have a mastercoach in Capello. Secondly, they have one of the very best strikers in the world in Rooney. And then; Gerrard, Lampard, Terry (Captain Douchebag), Ferdinand, Defoe, Bent, Cole, Cole etc. It's a strong cast, and a much more attacking England squad and, as I said before, they have a mastercoach. Plus they have the 2009 UK Philandering Father Of The Year:

Smash him Tevez!

I'm not even going to entertain thoughts of them not making it to the round of 16, as fun as that would be...

USA (FIFA RANKING: 14)

One of the teams the Socceroos will face in their final World Cup lead up match. The Yanks looked pretty good during their qualifying campaign but since then have lost 4 of their last 5 International Friendlies, the only win coming against El Salvador. When you think U.S football, you invariably think Landon Donovan, and I'm definitely a fan. Playing a cameo role for Everton last season has led to more awareness of the guy's talent. Coach Bob Bradley has been an advocate of American players plying their trade in Europe, and aside from Donovan, they have Rangers pair DeMarcus Beasley and Maurice Edu, Fulham's Clint Dempsey, Bolton's Stuart Holden and Borussia Monchengladbach's Michael Bradley to name a few. Their biggest threat in any competition is this guy:

Card-slinger and US-hater Jorge Larrionda

Larrionda sent off two US players during the '06 World Cup match against Italy and recently endeared himself further by slinging another red at Michael Bradley. When WHAB pressed the issue with Larrionda, he started ranting about "that stupid cartoon show insulting our wonderful country":



Uruguayan referees aside, the US will see their clash with Algeria as must win, will be happy with any result against the Poms and then it likely comes to the result against Slovenia.

SLOVENIA (FIFA RANKING: 23)

Slovenia find themselves just above footballing powerhouse Israel in the latest edition of the rankings; not bad for a country of just over 2 million. They conceded just 4 goals in their qualifying group, impressive when you consider they played home and away to group winners Slovakia and regular World Cup finalists (pre-2010) in Czech Republic and Poland. And then they took out Hiddink's Russia in the playoff. I think they are well-drilled enough to cause a lot of trouble in this group; they look like a team who'll frustrate England, take it to the USA and be beating Algeria. I really like their chances to go through here and they are good value in the betting to do so. I'll have a piece of that.

ALGERIA (FIFA RANKING: 31)

I'll be surprised if Algeria advance in what is a fairly strong group. I'll confess to not knowing too much about them except that they tied with Egypt in their qualifying group of 4. Really it was 2 groups of two, with Algeria battling Egypt for a spot in the World Cup finals and Zambia and Rwanda squabbling over who was the least shite in the group. In case you're wondering, and I really can't imagine why you would be, it was Zambia who were slightly less rubbish than Rwanda. So after dusting off those two, and tying with Egypt, they played Egypt again in a tiebreaker. Football was the real winner with opposing fans wanting to kill each other. The only players I'm really familiar with are Portsmouth pair Belhadj and Yebda. Portsmouth were relegated. All of this doesn't exactly fill me with the bravado to launch into the $3.75 on them to progress. But best of luck to them.

Prediction: England to top the Group and Slovenia to upset the USA and progress.

Group C

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
5	13 June	Rustenburg	England	USA	04:30
6	13 June	Polokwane	Algeria	Slovenia	21:30
22	19 June	Johannesburg	Slovenia	USA	00:00
23	19 June	Cape Town	England	Algeria	04:30
37	24 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Slovenia	England	00:00
38	24 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	USA	Algeria	00:00

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group B

ARGENTINA (FIFA RANKING: 7)

With Tevez (Manchester City) and Messi (Barcelona) up front, any decent balls forward to these guys in space, and this Group is over. Somehow Argentina struggled at times in their qualification campaign, relying on late goals in their last couple of games to guarantee their place...their struggles can surely be contributed somewhat to their drug-addled manager:

Maradona arrives for Argentina's Biggest Loser

Maradona, as great a player as he was, I'm just not sure he has the same nous as a manager. I'm pretty sure the Argies qualified simply because of their natural footballing talent rather than anything this coke-snorting coke-snorter had going on upstairs. Anyhow, they are there...and Messi and Tevez have been on fire this season. Throw in players of the calibre of Heinze, Samuel, Milito, Higuain, Veron, Di Maria, and Liverpool pair Rodriguez and Mascherano should be nice and fresh with the Reds having done sweet FA this season. This a side capable of going deep into the tournament and should account for this group comfortably.

NIGERIA (FIFA RANKING: =20)

Not content with being the Eagles, Nigeria are known as the Super Eagles. The Super-Dooper Eagles will be spear-headed by Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi-Wan Mikel and most support will come from Everton trio Yobo, Amichebe and Yakubu. Argentina aside, this group is very open, and the other three teams here are going to be locked in a royal shitfight. Nigeria will show more flair than the Greeks, but will they be able to open up a stodgy Greek defense? Will their own defense be able to cope with the fluent efficiency of the South Koreans? All questions that, like a lot of the African teams before them in World Cups, we won't know the answers to until they play. They're as good a chance at 2nd place in the group as the other two I suppose. Now, I've got to get back to my e-mails...apparently I've won $1.5 million and a spot on the bench for Nigeria at the World Cup!

KOREA REPUBLIC (FIFA RANKING: 47)

With Poland missing from this edition of the World Cup Finals, Korea Republic will be contenders for the Curse of the Commentators Award. We all know about Park Ji-Sung of Manchester United fame. The rest of them all pretty much look the same and there are something like 10 Lee's, 8 Kim's, and an even spread of Hyung's, Woo's and Wong's.

A WHAB South Africa 2010 collector's pack for anyone who knows who this guy is! Hint: It's not Park Ji-Sung...

For a team that is going to their 7th straight World Cup, and were unbeaten in their World Cup qualifying campaign, that ranking seems ridiculous. Particularly where Nigeria are tied for 20th and Greece are 12th. As outsiders of this group in betting, I am getting on. The betting agencies are all over the African teams performing well on their home continent. Not their home country, their home continent. I am calling this as rubbish. South Africa will over-perform no doubt, but I see no reason why the rest of the African teams will over-perform. In Germany, did we think all the European teams would be so much better than at other World Cups? No. Unlike Nigeria, you know what you're going to get from South Korea, and it will likely be producing more goals than Greece. My first bet of the World Cup goes on Korea Republic to qualify.

GREECE (FIFA RANKING: 12)

Seriously, I have no idea how Greece are ranked 12th in the world. Surely the FIFA rankings don't go back as far as Euro 2004...Then again, these are the same rankings that have Israel at 24. Israel...24...Think about that. Anyway, they have Liverpool's most exciting player of this season in Krgyiakos...and he's a central defender...But enough Liverpool bashing, Greece, if nothing else, will play well as a team. It won't be overly exciting, but it may be enough to get them through to the knockout stages. One thing's for sure, there'll be many fans getting behind the Greeks in Australia, such as this guy:

Knockout stage...bewdiful!

PREDICTION: Argentina to top the group and Korea Republic to sneak through.

Group B

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
3	13 June	Johannesburg	Argentina	Nigeria	00:00
4	12 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Korea Republic	Greece	21:30
19	18 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	Greece	Nigeria	00:00
20	17 June	Johannesburg	Argentina	Korea Republic	21:30
35	23 June	Durban	Nigeria	Korea Republic	04:30
36	23 June	Polokwane	Greece	Argentina	04:30

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group A

SOUTH AFRICA (FIFA RANKING: 90)

Who'd have thought that South Africa of all places would be holding a FIFA World Cup. A guy I knew got mugged not five seconds after he'd stepped outside the terminal at Johannesburg airport. You wouldn't under any circumstance consider stopping at a red light over there. In fact, you might even want to speed up. A guy seriously invented this as a solution to car-jackings:



Rape is so common that women carry condoms to offer to their attacker. But other than all that, it's a beautiful country...Sepp Blatter loves the place. Everywhere he goes there, he gets his balls rubbed.

As a footballing nation, South Africa makes a great rugby and cricketing nation. They greatfully accepted automatic entry as hosts from Blatter in exchange for some under-the-table action. If you look back over the years, home crowds make a massive difference in World Cups, so we can expect the Jaapies to greatly over-perform. This will probably be mostly due to soft-cock refereeing in the form of lop-sided foul counts and a couple of ludicrous penalties. But will it be enough for them to make the knockout stages? Most of their squad will come from South Africa's national league which obviously pales into insignificance compared to the leagues in Europe. Their only real star player is Everton midfielder Steven Pienaar. Up front, Benni McCarthy can be a bit hot and cold, but is dangerous and needs to be respected. He'll likely be very busy with the urgings of the home crowd, as I'm sure the referees will be too, but he'll need a few of his mates to lift. This is a tough group, and I would say that while not impossible, it's very unlikely they'll advance.

MEXICO (FIFA RANKING: 17)

With the ugly time zone difference between Australia and South Africa, matches will be at 9:30pm, midnight and 4:30am, i.e. all freakin' night. So there'll be no sleep, but plenty of alcohol, and plenty of my favourite midnight snack:

I'm gonna murder me some of this come June/July...

Mexico were in genuine danger of not qualifying for the World Cup during the short and ill-fated reign of Sven-Goran Eriksson as manager. The second coming of Javier Aguirre turned around the confidence and form of the players dramatically. Aguirre knows how to get the best out of individuals and is not afraid to give the boys some lessons in sneaky tackles:



The team has strung together a nice string of results, winning 14 of 18 matches under Aguirre and I like the schedule of friendlies they have leading into South Africa 2010. They play other WC qualified teams in Chile, England, Netherlands and Italy as their final lead-up games...and that is how you prepare for a World Cup right there. Key players include Barcelona's Rafa Marquez in central defence, the dos Santos brothers, Jonathon (Barcelona) and Giovani (Galatasary), and Mexico being Mexico, they have a whole horde of players who can get on the scoresheet. I'm expecting a strong showing and I think they'll definitely fancy their chances of going through, despite a tough and open group.

URUGUAY (you-are-gay)(FIFA Ranking: 18)

Australia's old nemesis had a better time qualifying for the World Cup against Costa Rica in their 2010 playoff, after once again finishing 5th in CONMEBOL qualifying. That doesn't sound all that impressive but we all know the strength of competition in South America. It's hard to believe that Uruguay have a population of just 4 million people and continue to qualify for the WC Finals, 2006 aside! Anyway, Uruguay is located here:



Shenanigans aside, Uruguay have players scattered all over the world, none at the really big clubs, but it's a very capable squad nonetheless. They have a pair of formidable strikers in Diego Forlan (Atletico Madrid) and Luis Suarez (Ajax), and another player to watch is talented young midfielder/winger Nicolas Lodeiro (Ajax), who was man of the match in the 2nd leg of the playoff against Costa Rica. They are definitely in with a shot to qualify for the knockout stages, and the more you look at this group, the key match seems to be Uruguay's match against Mexico.

FRANCE (FIFA Ranking: 10)

Qualifying for South Africa in the dodgiest possible fashion, with Thierry Henry celebrating his clear hand-ball goal assist, it's hard to know what to expect from the Frenchy Fag-Nasties sometimes. They were uninspiring throughout the whole qualification process but one gets the feeling that, with the talent and depth at their disposal, and with a history of strong World Cup showings, that they'll have their shit together come June. Most of their squad play in teams that were in the last 8 of the Champions League, so there is a multitude of options for their manager. Unfortunately for the players and fans, Raymond Domenech is a weirdo, prone to erratic selections/tactical decisions, and refuses to explain said erratic selections/tactical decisions, and doesn't trust Scorpios. That said, he somehow got them to the 2006 Final. Henry, Anelka, Malouda, Sagna, Evra, Gallas, Ribery, Diarra, Diarra, Gourcuff...do I really need to go on? They should top the group if they bring their A game...and leave all the Scorpios at home.

Group A

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
1	12 June	Johannesburg	South Africa	Mexico	00:00
2	12 June	Cape Town	Uruguay	France	04:30
17	17 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	South Africa	Uruguay	04:30
18	18 June	Polokwane	France	Mexico	04:30
33	23 June	Rustenburg	Mexico	Uruguay	00:00
34	23 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	France	South Africa	00:00

PREDICTION: My early tip is France and Mexico to progress to the round of 16.

WORLD CUP DRAW LIVE AND INTOXICATED!!!

Welcome to the FIFA World Cup Draw *Live* on WHAB, your home of drunken *Live* stuff!

South Africa "welcomes us with open arms"...just try stepping outside of Jo'burg airport...

The entertainment is a cross between Play School, Lion King the musical and Milli Vanilli armed with an electric guitar (not plugged in)!

Am I that drunk or is Nelson Mandela speaking Swahili?!

You suck Sepp Blatter. I abhor you...

It's a love story, baby just pay me lots of cash...

Where do we kick off? I'm only the President of FIFA, how the fuck would I know?!

The chick hosting this has things growing from her ears...

Africa this, Africa that...all the while Blatter is getting his balls licked under the table...

Said chick hosting had those things cut off...

Charlize!

Okay, enough already. I haven't slept for days. Let's get on with it. It's nearly 4am here. Fuck the shy homo leopard mascot. God, what a faggot mascot. Enough. Let's draw motherfuckers.

Elephants are cool though...they got skillz!

This is getting increasingly homosexual...

Clear as mud!

Group A: South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay, France

Group B: Argentina, Korea Republic, Nigeria, Greece

Group C: England, USA, Algeria, Slovenia

Group D: Germany, Australia, Ghana, Serbia

Group E: Netherlands, Japan, Cameroon, Denmark

Group F: Italy, New Zealand, Paraguay, Slovakia

Group G: Brazil, Korea DPR, Cote D'Ivoire, Portugal

Group H: Spain, Honduras, Chile, Switzerland

There you have it: Germany, Ghana and Serbia...looks pretty tricky but could have been worse...discussion forthcoming...!

Who do we want to draw?

Easier draws would obviously be a good starting point:

From the seeded pot, I think you'd want to steer clear of Brazil, Germany and Spain. These are seeded teams, so there's no easy wins there. South Africa would obviously be the best results from Pot A but I'd happily take my chances to get a result out of England or Argentina (in their current malaise) as well. Of course, if I could beat any team in this world cup it would be England, closely followed by Italy. I hate the poms so much. Netherlands at full strength are my tip to take this out, and we played pretty well against their B squad but I'd like to avoid that. I'll also take the chance to post a pic of my favourite Jaaaapie. Not that there's a lot of competition.

Preferences here:

England, South Africa, Argentina, Italy, Germany, Brazil, Spain, Netherlands.

From Pot three, it's really just an enormous shitfight. You could make a case for drawing most of these teams as a "soft" option, though you could also prefer to avoid them all for reasons unknown. Paraguay and Chile qualified handsomely for this cup - Paraguay taking Brazil's scalp along the way. Eased off the throttle after qualifying, otherwise could have topped the South American group. That's great form. Chile got off to a slow start in the qualifiers, to romp home and have been the hottest team in South America in 2009. If you have to draw a South American, may I suggest U-R-Gay.

Of the Africans, Algeria is tipped to be relatively weak, though I don't necessarily concur. They'll be a stout defensive team that came through a relatively strong African group and I'd say they are the most underestimated African nation, possibly as they don't have that Sub-Saharan darling thing in their favour. Ghana look weak, it's last two starts resulting in a draw with Mali and a loss to Benin. The Ivory Coast and Nigeria look the class of the Africans.

If I have to put my preferences down here, I'll go

Ghana - Uruguay - Cameroon - Algeria - Ivory Coast - Chile - Nigeria - Paraguay.

The Europe Group is a bit of a mess to list my preferences.

I hate the Swiss. They share a border with the Dutch, charge $20 for a McValue meal and hate you for your general relaxed happy outlook on life. I'll take them in a heartbeat. Even with the aged Stefan Henchoz in tow. I'd happily draw the Danes for one reason alone,

Beyond that, Greece Serbia and either of the Slovs would be good. All I'll be saying is not France or Portugal.

Group of ease:

Switzerland - Ghana - South Africa

Group with tasty fans

Germany - Paraguay - Denmark (France and the freaky deaky Dutch get an honourable mention. I don't do that whole Brazil = hot thing, but you might think differently.)

Group of Douche (almost all in the same pool; you'd typically say England - Italy - Brazil)

ENG-A-LAND - U-R-Gay - Portugal

Group of Death

Netherlands - Portugal - Paraguay

Anyway, comment away. Particularly if you want to debate my hot fan thing.

FIFA World Cup Draw!

WHAB will be reporting *live* from Cape Town for the FIFA World Cup 2010 draw where we will find out who our mighty Socceroos will be pitted against. Will we get the group of niggle with New Zealand, "Look at this country...U R Gay", and those diving bitch Italians? Brazil again? Tim Cahill's whipping boys Japan? Or the unstoppable Honduras...Honduras?! Don't be soft, join us at 4am AEDT, with beer in hand!