Third Test Wrap

Well there you go. After a week and a half of our bowlers being blasted for their hopelessness, they've made the Poms look absolutely stupid. Partly because of the English press, the Barmy Army and Peter Roebuck declaring Ashes victory after Adelaide, and partly because they literally made them look stupid. As I suggested after the Adelaide debacle, our batsmen were more to blame than the bowlers there; our bowlers sent down overs and overs on a batsmen's paradise, while our batsmen failed miserably (twice) on a batsmen's paradise. But the cricketing media would have none of that shit. Anyhow, with favourable bowling conditions, our pace attack fired up and skittled the hapless Poms. Great to see a WACA green top with some old-school bounce! And the Pommies didn't like it one bit!

At this juncture, I am not yet going to apologise to Mitchell Johnson. The series isn't over yet, and even though everyone thinks you're wonderful again champ, consistency is the key. What I will say is that his first innings bowling was superb and if he could produce that most of the time, he wouldn't be reading about himself on WHAB so much. Good to see him fire up a bit too, especially at that belligerent tosser Anderson...

Onto the other bowlers, and go the Rhino! We've always had a huge opinion of the guy here and it was nice to see him get some serious rewards for his honest toil at Adelaide Oval. The wickets weren't there for Hilfy but here's a shoutout to the man who should never have been dropped for the Second Test. He bowled brilliantly with some nice swing, and was just unlucky that the English batsmen weren't good enough to get the edges. He was ultra economical, tied down an end, and it was largely due to the constant pressure he applied that England fell apart. Siddle didn't end up getting much of a go due to the capitulation (s), but from what I saw, looked like he might have taken a few if the Poms hadn't been humbled so piss-weakly.

Onto our batting...and there are still real problems here. If you take out the contributions of Hussey, Watson and Haddin, then we're likely down 2-1 in this series. Hughes didn't fire in Perth but I'm happy enough to give the guy another go, whether the cut-throat selectors are is another story. Ponting and Clarke are just in rubbish form. Considering they are captain and vice-captain, the method of their dismissals is quite alarming. There's a lot of unconvincing poking around going on. Punter now also has a fractured finger to worry about and given he looks reminiscent of one Bruce Reid with the bat at present, this sure isn't going to help him find some form. The Huss has been nothing short of brilliant. Gritty when he needs to be, showman when he doesn't. His hooking and pulling at the WACA (except for his dismissal!) was the highlight of the series thus far for me. Surely though, we can't go another Test with Smith at 6. Some may say that he made a tidy 35 in the second innings. Others, myself included, say that I thought he was going to get out on every single ball he faced. We desperately need a specialist batsmen at 6, especially when we're carrying a couple of guys further up the order. We're obviously not going to bowl four quicks anywhere else in Australia either, so dropping Smith to 8 looks a great way to juice up the batting. McDonald (if available) at 6, all of a sudden makes this team look awesome given you get a genuine medium pace option to go with his career best batting form. Otherwise, I think Khawaja is about ready for the next level. Hopefully the selectors don't get so wrapped up in our huge win that they overlook the thin-ness of our batting order...

The thing that struck me most during the Third Test is that James Anderson is one of the biggest wankers in Test cricket. The guy just gobs off at everyone, and probably even gives his grandmother the odd spray for good measure. Hussey is averaging about a thousand in the series, and is not one for a chat, but Anderson still just let fly at him. Gobbing off at the main reason Australia is still in with a fighting chance to reclaim the Ashes? The worst thing is, it's not tactical sledging, it's just a guy running his mouth because he can't help being a complete fucking tosser. Setting a great example for his newborn child. Fuck right off Anderson.

And fuck right off Roebuck. Yeah sure, England are the greatest team ever, Australia are the worst, South Africa and India, well they don't play in the Ashes so they can't be the best in the world, and can someone just give me a 10,000 word column so I can write a great big turd of an article...?

How does get fucked sound?

It's the reason us purists love Test cricket; the unpredictability of it all. And it can sometimes creep up on us, or sometimes it happens in a flash. The stage is set for another classic finish to the Ashes...here's hoping that this time we come out on top and Anderson and Roebuck go home looking like a couple of twats!

The Between-Test Rant

Upon hearing the Australian squad selection today, as I feared, the selectors have missed the point yet again. After listening to the caning our bowlers have copped all week, might I throw this one out there: we got rolled twice for piss-weak scores on a batsmen's paradise. No-one in the media seems to have cottoned onto that glaringly obvious fact. The Adelaide Test should have been another boring draw for all money, but we got rolled. So why would you weaken a batting line-up already possibly weakened by the absence of the Kat? You have Hughes replacing the Kat, so that's a bit of a risk there...and then you replace a guy who's primarily a 'batsmen' in North for an all-rounder in Smith...neither of which enhances our batting prowess. I really hope these guys play well, I've got nothing against them, but after thinking about it for a couple of days, it was a perfect opportunity to play in Khawaja at 6. They absolutely had to pick a specialist batsmen at 6; my first choice McDonald (whose batting is surpassing his bowling these days) is out injured, so then I give Us-man a baggy green. Then you can bat your spinner Smith (who they obviously had decided was playing this Test since the second the Adelaide Test finished) at 8. Then you have some depth in your batting line-up. Then you don't have Mitchell Johnson back in the team, seemingly more for his batting than his bowling...say what you will people, but I just love me a 19 ball, 32 min duck! It just fucks me off that the selectors obviously had no intention of dropping Johnson for more than one Test. Fucking softcocks. And then they try a win us all over with Beer. Sure, that's worked before, manys time on me actually, but considering you've just tried a late-bloomer journeyman-type spinner and it failed, then Beer's not enough, even for this resident piss-head! Sure he won't play, as we're going into Perth with one of the most unconvincing 4-pronged pace attacks in this country's history, but why is he even in the squad? At the expense of a young pace bowler? It makes no sense. Nothing these selectors do makes sense anymore, and I wonder why,when everyone in the team is getting gunned mid-series for their suck-ery, why these fuckers can't get shown the fucking door mid-series. I used to think David Boon was awesome. Not just for his batting, but drinking all those cans on that flight to England, or from England, or whatever. But being a bit older now, I wonder how setting a beer-drinking record becomes a valuable asset on your CV for an Aussie cricket selector...I'd suggest that Boonie has had a million cans too many for that post...

Since when did Kim Hughes become a media go-to guy for the Ashes?!? All I've heard for the last week or so is one K. Hughes gobbing off deluxe about all things 2010/2011 Ashes. Punter is rubbish, Smith is rubbish, Khawaja is rubbish, Hughes is rubbish, the whole team is rubbish...may I suggest, it's you Sir who is rubbish:

This is how people remember you Kim Hughes...

You need reminding that that's what people think of when they hear your name...You ain't Shane Warne and you ain't Steve Waugh, so quit gobbing off Mr. I Averaged 37 in Tests and cried like a bitch...

To finish up, the Professor wants to punch Peter Roebuck in the face. I've wanted to punch him somewhere much more painful for as long as I can remember. If you read this, you'll want to punch that faggot too...

http://www.espncricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/490969.html

There's some great articles on Cricinfo...and then they give this cocksucker 10,000 words to go nuts...the age old question remains, it's not okay to hit a girl, but is it okay to punch a faggot? Just a short, sharp one in the mouth maybe?!? Or surely it's okay if he all but asks to be cock-punched?!? It's just so enticing...

Second Test, Day 5 Recap

Unbelievable. Just fucking mind-boggling. To be dusted off like that, going down without a whimper...I'm fumbling for words. I didn't ever think it would ever be possible for an Australian team to ever lose an Adelaide Test ever, but I was horribly wrong. And so, here come the changes for Perth. I personally wouldn't be going nuts with the changes. After musing over all things Ashes via e-mail with the Professor, who is calling for wholesale changes, here's what I finally decided I would do, somewhat more conservatively:

"Starting at the top, well, the Kat is out of the series so we need a new opener. I keep Watson there for some stability at the top, our openers haven't really been the main problem anyway. I don't entirely trust Hughes but he deserves another go, and there's no-one else really knocking on the door. Maybe Marsh, but I don't trust him more than I don't trust Hughes. I leave Ponting at 3 but strip him of the captaincy immediately, and see if that gets him back to being focused on his batting. Clarke slides down the order, he's too irresponsible at 4, I just cannot trust him there. But you can't really have him anywhere other than at 5 with North/preferably someone else at 6. So it will be Hussey at 4, and captain by default. You know who's form with the bat is as good as anyone in the country this season? Ronald McDonald. Averaging 93 with the bat through 4 matches, including 3 centuries. And he's far more useful with the ball than North. It's a different change-up too with Haddin up to the stumps. That would also keep Watson from bowling too many overs and he can focus on the batting as well. So I fuck North off for Ronnie. That gives you Hughes, Watson, Ponting, Hussey (C), Clarke, McDonald, Haddin. You know what? It's humble pie time; bring back Hauritz. We don't clearly don't have anyone who's better/anyone else who's ready for Test match cricket against a strong English batting line-up, plus he bolsters our own piss-weak batting line-up. Hilf and Harris, in form, are your top two paceman in the country without a doubt. I'm still stunned they dropped the Hilf, but that's the loyalty of the selectors..."we know you've easily been our best bowler for two years, but you just didn't get it right in that Gabba Test"...Fuckers. Siddle concerns me in that he can bowl superbly for a couple of spells and then fades away alarmingly. His first innings at the Gabba was brilliant, and he's just given nothing since. And it's not just in this series that I've noticed it; it's like he can only fire up sporadically. The time is definitely right for some new blood in the bowling stocks. I bring two of the handful of promising youngsters from the domestic scene into the 13 man squad and give Siddle one more chance to fire up, and stay fired up, knowing that the youngsters are right there if he doesn't."

I'd be happy with those changes, they're all realistic except I'm pretty sure Punter will never stand down as captain, and the selectors won't change the captaincy mid-series. Besides, that wouldn't give him the chance to complete his Final Frontier...

Second Test, Day 4 Recap

More boredom watching the English batsmen doing what any batsman worth his salt should; plunder runs at Adelaide Oval. This followed by our captain tying himself in a knot at the crease, and our future captain being dismissed on the last ball of the day by Pietersen of all people. I think about how a guy like Steve Waugh would have blocked that ball for all he was worth rather than trying to flick a single down the legside. On the last ball of the day. The thought wouldn't have even crossed his mind to play anything other than a forward defensive super-grundle, accompanied by a loud, long, drawn-out "No" call. "Nnnnnoooooooooooooooooo"....... Anyway, we've got a shaky Marcus North to open proceedings tomorrow. Oh boy. We need the Huss more than ever now. And the rain...

Second Test, Day 2 Recap

Well that was about as fucked as it gets. Another whole day of watching England bat on an absolute road.


Somehow, it's the same road that we could only squeeze 245 out of...I hate this Adelaide pitch. I would like it a lot more if I was given the opportunity to bat on it...Every year, if you weather the storm early on day 1, which we obviously were unable to do, days 2-5 give you tennis-ball-on-bitumen conditions.



Even with England well on top here, I'd be shocked if we can't bat it out for a draw.



Even with the same batting line-up as the first innings. It's shit viewing, and the curator can go royally fuck himself for dishing up this bullshit year in, year out. Why do Test fans want to watch guys batting in easy conditions? We don't, so go fuck yourself Damien Hough.


The only reason that there's been 8 results in the last 10 years at Adelaide has been because we've had superstar bowlers like Warne and McGrath against rubbish Test opposition, so don't try running that 8 results in 10 years line past me you fucker.


We all know it's a road, and when you have two evenly matched teams, it's a fucking waste of everyone's time. Lucky there's always greasy chicken this time of year...

Second Test, Day 1 Recap

A collapso-kinda start to the day for the Aussies...3/2, you don't see that score often, especially in a Test Match! What we can conclude from that early spell is that Anderson is a serious bowler, who has a penchant for gobbing off, particularly to Mike Hussey, who totally has his measure. So boot right off Anderson. But he's a serious bowler no question...much more serious than the axed Johnson, whose Gatorade ads are still running...everything adds up to one...well, your Gabba Test contribution added up to one...0 wickets + 0 runs + 1 dropped catch = 1! I was initially pretty upset about Hilfenhaus (who has been our best bowler for the last two years) being replaced here, on the back of one bad Test, and, well, I'm still pissed off about it. It's horses for courses apparently. I'm a massive Rhino fan, but don't entirely trust Bollinger, and haven't been given much of a reason to doubt Hilfy...not sure where this is all going, but I'll be on record as saying that I don't like it thanks. Anyway, the story of the day is; Anderson bowled super, those people who wanted the Huss dropped are eating their own words, and Marcus North scored a totally unconvincing 26...on a beautiful batting track...and somehow, Australia got bowled out in a day at Adelaide on said beautiful batting track...

First Test, Day 5 Recap

England batted on and on at their own pace, declaring unsportingly, with no team any chance to win. The Poms looked more intent on padding their stats rather than getting stuck into the collapse-prone Aussie batting order. Yes our bowling was shite, and everything Mitchell Johnson did was terrible beyond adequate description, but seriously, what is with these fucking road pitches on days 4 and 5 of a Test match? I want to see a killer minefield out there, with confused and terrified batsmen, not guys knocking around double centuries. I want old school Test matches where chasing 150 in the final innings was treacherous. Where balls would fly off the pitch at some hapless batsmen's throat. Where you'd see guys bowled out by mully-grubbers! Fuck these curators. Now we go to the biggest road of them all in Adelaide, which will be 5 days of my life wasted watching another draw. Being pretty handy as a kid against a tennis ball in our street, I'd fancy myself to bludgeon a century at Adelaide Oval.

Johnson finished with match figures of 0/170, took 32 mins and 19 balls to score 0, and dropped a catch to kill off the game as a contest. It was the single-most useless all-round performance in a Test I've ever seen and if the selectors think he's worth a shot in Adelaide, then they're kidding themselves, insulting the fans, and depriving Johnson of some practice time back with WA. I can just see them, after bringing Bollinger and Harris into the squad, and making it seem like they're serious, not having the balls to make the change. That's how they roll. Show some gumption you pussies. And by the way, if you play two spin bowlers, Marcus North is not a fucking spin bowler just because Strauss got heat exhaustion and his brain snapped. Although he'd be pretty handy if he could bowl to himself...

First Test, Day 4 Recap

With England at 0/119, Johnson, in pursuit of a performance of unrivalled uselessness, dropped a simple catch after Strauss mistimed a drive off the X Factor. And that was the match. When Strauss was finally out, England were only 20 runs behind. I don't care what anyone says, if Strauss is out when the Poms are 89 behind, it's a whole different ball game. The dropped catch, coupled with Ponting's lack of urgency to end day 3, leaves you wondering what might have been. I guess we should have known this was going to happen with our hopes resting on 'tards like Ponting and Johnson.

The numbers don't lie; Johnson has match figures of 0/131 (so far), scored 0 off 19 deliveries, and has 0 catches, with a dropped catch...if he's in your Ashes Fantasy team, well, you're fucked!

First Test, Day 2 Recap

After grabbing the ascendency on Day 1, the Aussie batsmen, somewhat predictably, gave it right back to the Poms, despite a solid start by our openers. Hussey, with the assistance of a patient Haddin (?!?), and generous English bowling, has put us back on track for a tidy first innings lead. England would have been sitting down to dinner tonight convinced that the Huss can indeed cut, and can definitely pull as well. It was a cutting and pulling exhibition from the Huss in response to England's awful tactics bowling to him. And we needed it with Punter unforgivably getting caught down legside, Clarke clearly not fit to be playing, and North reverting to his tried and tested way of scoring in single digits. Channel Nine were showing stats today, confirming our middle order woes; our batting averages from 3-6 in the line-up are all well down in the period 2008-2010 in comparison to 2005-2007. And it's very noticeable. The other thing I noticed today was that not only was I bombarded with KFC ads, but the sight-screen was emblazoned with an ad for Chicken McBites...there is no escaping greasy chicken this summer people. Nor is there any escaping a fat, sausage-gobbling, hair-stapled-to-his-head Steven Seagal. Here's some of Seagal's better work, complete with Nordic sub-titles:

"Take a receipt...'cause you just bought some!"

Day 3 recap to follow!

First Test, Day 1 Recap

Thanks to the power of Foxtel IQ, I've just finished replaying the whole of the first day's play in a mere 2 hours. Great stuff! Peter Siddle with a red ball is the business. Hopefully the selectors never give him a white ball ever again, because you can't take 7 or 8 overs to get in rhythm in an ODI. A couple of fiery Siddle spells has England reeling in the First Test, and that's the way we Aussies like it. Hilfenhaus had an uncharacteristicly wayward sort of day, and Johnson was just extra baggage as usual, but Siddle simply swung Johnson over his shoulder, and carried him on his way to a hat-trick and a 6 wicket haul. If not for some rubbish glovemanship from Haddin, it would have been 7. It's worth re-living the hat-trick moment again, complete with English confusion/referral tomfoolery:



For most guys, a "Birthday hat-trick" means something completely different...or maybe the Sid completed an unprecedented double Birthday hat-trick! Wow, the man's got it all! Respect.

As mentioned before, Hilfy had an off day. But he still contributed something, getting the big early wicket of Strauss. Watson bowled solidly and produced a corker to knock over Trott. The X Factor bowled superbly on a first day pitch, tying down one end with some quality spin bowling. It was good to see him bag a couple of wickets in the end because he was crucial to the overall success of the day's play. Even Punter had a decent day, some good bowling changes and some decent fields for once. I won't get too carried away there because there's a high probability of him doing something stupid to try and get the Poms back in it. That leaves Johnson, who had no impact whatsoever. No consistency, no movement, and no wickets. He was just extra baggage. I hereby officially call for him to sacked. Go back to WA and work on it son. Because there will likely be times in this series when we won't be able to afford having dead weight in the side. I think of how good a Test pace trio of Hilfy, the Sid and the Rhino (aka Ryan Harris) would be and how angry it makes me that I can't have it because of Johnson sending daily photos of himself posing with his Sir Garfield Sobers trophy to the selectors. We can go with a guy who's form for Australia over the last year has been diabolical, or a guy in great form at present...who is called the Rhino...that's a no-fucking-brainer.

Check back in tonight for the Day 2 Recap!

Ponting Calls On Barmy Army For His Final Frontier

Not content with inexplicably losing back to back Ashes Tours, Ricky Ponting has now set his sights on losing the Ashes on home soil. To help him complete what most cricket fans would call Mission Impossible, our fearless leader is calling on the Barmy Army. With Ponting refusing to talk to WHAB these days, I posed as a Cricinfo journalist in an attempt to unveil his masterplan.

"Cricinfo": Thanks for joining us Ricky. It's always a pleasure to talk to you here at "Cricinfo".

Ponting: Well it sure beats talking to those deadshits at WHAB. I fucking hate those guys!

"Cricinfo": Whoa there champ! You might be able to talk with a potty mouth to WHAB but not here at the esteemed "Cricinfo.com"!

Ponting: Sorry about that. Those guys just get under my skin, like a substitute fieldsman running me out.

"Cricinfo": Now Ricky, I hear you are imploring the Barmy Army to make the trip Downunder en masse. What's your thinking there?

Ponting: Well it will just make it that bit harder for us to beat what looms as another all-time great English team. I love a challenge. Plus, they have trumpets and sing songs.

"Cricinfo": Some may say that you don't need to make it harder on yourselves after back to back Ashes Tour losses, plus the losses of Warne, McGrath, Hayden etc...and you do know those songs are generally about you, don't you?

Ponting: We are up for the challenge. Sure we'll be underdogs but...

"Cricinfo": Underdogs?!?!

Ponting: Well of course we'll be underdogs, England are easily the best side in the world at present. That's why we keep losing the Ashes. But I repeat, I am up for the challenge.

"Cricinfo": Have you heard of the phrase "there's no I in team"?

Ponting: Hey, you did say Cricinfo right? You're starting to sound like those fuc...I mean assho...those idiots from WHAB...

"Cricinfo": Settle...we are definitely from "Cricinfo". You can trust us. Now, so you really want the Barmy Army turning up in droves?

Ponting: Yes, it will just provide a great atmosphere if they can fill all the seats that the people having a few beers/building cup-snakes/starting Mexican Waves/drinking Scotch out of "Bar-noculars"/heckling Kevin Pietersen/having a "fun" day out at the cricket used to fill. Thankfully we've got rid of those bad apples and going to the cricket is much more enjoyable for families now, even if the grounds are only half full.

"Cricinfo": It doesn't concern you that you'd be losing your home ground advantage?

Ponting: Not really. I think I speak for all the boys when I say that playing in front of thousands of Poms brings out the best in us.

"Cricinfo": Aha. So you guys didn't feel the pressure when the Barmy Army mocked you for every rash shot, dropped catch, wayward delivery, poor piece of fielding and rubbish decision in England?

Ponting: No, I think we played pretty well with a young and inexperienced team, against one of the best English sides ever.

"Cricinfo": Right that's it! I can't deal with this shit! How could you not know that this team sucks when the Barmy Army sings songs about them? You were fucking there! You captained that shit! And badly!

Ponting: What the...?

WHAB: Yeah that's right, it's not Cricinfo, it's WHAB! Gotcha sucker! And the more Poms in the crowd, the more we fucking suck! And the more fucked decisions you make! And now we're so bad we can only manage 88 in an innings against Pakistan and you want more Poms in the crowd? Are you fucking nuts?!?

Ponting: Why you fucker!

WHAB: That's all I need pal, I'm outta here!

Ponting: WHAB you fuckers! You'll fucking pay for this!