We'll Have A Bowl

Gasol In, Gasol Out...

2012-02-13T23:54:00.008+11:00

A source within the Lakers camp has revealed that former All Star Pau Gasol is no longer speaking to his younger brother after Marc was named an All Star last week. "Yeah, he's got sand in his vagina over this one" the anonymous source was quoted as saying. "Kinda like one time when I was at the Palace at Auburn Hills but way more soft" he added. Marisa Gasol, mother of Pau and Marc later confirmed the bitchiness. "Pau is being a baby. He has always been the soft and delicate one in the family. I said 'be happy for your little brother'. He just pulled a face like this":

Marc was reluctant to talk to WHAB at first about such a "sensitive issue" but soon joined in the fun. "Look, I love my brother, but he can be very jealous sometimes. Especially when I'm an All Star now and he's not"! Lakers coach Mike Brown also noticed that Pau had been pouting more than usual. "You get used to Pau being temperamental, but he's been unbearable this week. Not even cuddles from Kobe can cheer him up!"

Meanwhile, Snoop Dogg, self-declared Laker Fan #1 voiced his opinion via Twitter:

When asked by WHAB what it felt like to be way more soft than his All Star brother, Pau responded in typical softcock fashion:

Foul! I was fouled! Why no foul?!?

Serenity Now!

2012-01-25T01:20:00.006+11:00

Great to see one time actor and renowned beep test merchant Brad Hogg back in the Aussie side for the T20 World Cup.

An aspiring actor in his youth, Hogg played nut-case Lloyd Braun on Seinfeld...

Not only has the old timer killed it in the Big Bash League the last 6 weeks or so, but I've yet to hear from someone who dislikes the man. And if you do happen to dislike the guy, well you can go fuck yourself quite frankly, because Hoggy rules! What's not to like? The guy just loves cricket and plays it how it should be played. Hopefully the Hogg-ster can steer his Perth Scorchers to victory in the final this weekend, win me cash, and maintain his amazing form for the T20 World Cup.

"Why Can't You Be More Like Lloyd Braun?!?"

Assclown Of The Week!

2011-12-29T21:28:00.006+11:00

The artist formerly known as Ron Artest, now Metta World Peace...

Why India Don't Want DRS

2011-12-27T02:12:00.004+11:00

The reason the Indians don't want the DRS is pretty obvious after Day 1 of the First Test; they appeal wildly for everything that goes past the bat and pressure the umpires into bad decisions that are unable to be reviewed. In other words, they are dirty fucking cheats. That is the only conclusion one can come to after the fucking disgrace that was Day 1 of the Boxing Day Test. The Huss...robbed. Debutante Cowan...robbed. Indians...dirty fucking cheats. As Tony Greig said, "I can see why they don't want the DRS". That's because they are cheating bastards. Why else would you be the only fucking country in the world to not embrace technology that assists in getting the right results? Because you are dodgy, cheating fuckers, that's why.

Would you trust this dodgy looking fucker further than you could throw him?!? Nice hairdo you cheating fucking cockbag...

The Evolution Of A Mullet

2011-12-21T23:38:00.008+11:00

Did That Really Happen?/Bring Back The Kat!

2011-12-13T23:41:00.011+11:00

I don't think there's anyone out there that thought the Ram Rooters could conceivably win the Hobart Test after being rolled for 150 in their first innings. In hindsight, the pitch was green and menacing, and the weather overcast, so perhaps it wasn't the worst score considering. During the Aussie first innings, despite telling everybody that I've moved on, I once again found myself missing the Kat. Seriously, fuck Phil Hughes right off. In fact, I'll throw down the gauntlet here and challenge Hughes to an over of my right arm slow bowling. "Right arm slow" I here you ask? That's right. Because I have a plan. He won't last the over. Not even on Gabba Grass. A couple of balls delivered on a length, a foot outside off and I'll let my nine (9) slips take care of the rest. Because the guy can't fucking help himself. He is not equipped to be a Test opener.

A real Test opener. Notice the poise, control, and the ball not headed in the direction of the slip cordon...

Now for Khawaja. I think the guy has great potential. I recall a time when I also had great potential, but alas it went unfulfilled. So it's time for Usman to either get the fuck on with scoring big or spend the rest of his days on the blogosphere like the rest of us who once showed potential. Also, he needs to work on his short leg-manship because at the moment he is a poor man's Simon Katich in that position.

The Kat on his toes and ready to pounce...

Time's up for Ponting. He was a well-documented fucking god-awful captain but his batting was world class back in the day. I used to curse his name when I caught sight of him striding out but secretly felt kind of safe about him coming in at 3. Now he's set about disgracing himself and I just can't have it, not just because it's completely fucking selfish to hang on when you're clearly past it, but when there's batsmen galore in form on the domestic scene, well go fuck yourself Punter. I hate it when has-beens feel the need to "go out on their own terms". It would be better if they went out on my terms. With a sharp, swift one to the testicles and complimentary abusive blog rant.

There are only two points I want to make about our Captain. One is that it is his fault that we have to keep playing Test matches without our best performed batsmen for the last 3 years after The Choke. The second is this video, in particular at the 1:10 mark:

The guy is just so inconsistent, sure he scores the odd century, but he also does stupid non-captain-esque shit like leaving straight balls on off stump...

The Kat safely sees off this menacing straight ball on off stump...

The biggest problem with the current Aussie team is batting. It has been since before the Ashes debacle, it came to the fore during the Ashes debacle, and it continues to be a glaring issue. There's so much fucking wafting going on, from Phil Hughes mostly, but also guys who should know better. I guess this is why I just can't let go of the Kat. While batting has been a weakness all this time, a bunch of fuckwits who are now ex-selectors decided to sack our most reliable and well-performed batsmen. Who, in the period since his Test recall, was the second highest scoring batsmen in the whole motherfucking world. Not to mention the fact that they broke up the strong opening partnership the Kat shared with Watson. For Phil fucking Hughes?!? And now because of a mad moment of choking (and seriously, who reading this hasn't choked someone in a moment of perfectly understandable rage?), and the fact the chokee is now our Captain, he'll never be back. Did I mention that he had also captained his state and could roll the arm over too?!?

The under-utilised left-arm chinamen talents of the Kat.

The whole situation is just so fucking unjust, that if it wasn't for potential superstars like Pattinson, Cummins and Warner I just wouldn't watch anymore. First it was Stuart Clark, who despite being the best bowler in the country, was continuously boned by the selectors and Ponting. Now it's the Kat. I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore, except to say fuck all involved and sundry, and fuck them all to hell.

BRING BACK THE KAT!!!!!

No More Pies

2011-12-06T23:39:00.005+11:00

It's been a huge year for me, marked by two monumental events: the birth of my future grand-slam winning son, and the injury to Mitchell Johnson. It was an amazingly satisfying feeling watching the First Test against the hopeless Sheep Shaggers without having to endure pie after pie being thrown down at one end. In the past, I would tape a whole day's play on the IQ box just so I could flick through Johnson's 20 or so overs of garbage. The only downer about the absence of Yonson was that we were deprived of an extra day's cricket without him there to make game of it. I can live with that...

Anyway, that's the end of him. I'm calling it. With the discovery by selectors that when you give youngsters a go it creates competition for places (who'd have fucking thought?!?), there's no fucking way that clown is making it back in the side. I feel sorry for his WA teammates though...can you imagine just how fucking terrible he'll be after months on the sideline? He can't even bowl straight when he's allegedly fit and 'in form'.

So farewell Mitch. Thanks for the memories. The Ashes no-shows. Having to listen to Tony Greig, of all people, waffle on about your karate-ing missus. Your inability to bowl decently anywhere but the WACA. The way you just released the pressure valve at one end when you came on. But maybe mummy still loves you. Or maybe she thinks you're as mentally piss-weak as the rest of us do. Anyway, adios to you, King Of All Pie-Chuckers...

No more pies for me angled at second slip thanks pal...

First Test Match Report

2011-11-15T00:38:00.005+11:00

I should have known the 2nd innings collapse was coming; these days the Aussie cricket team seems to follow every promising session with one as equally unpromising. Really, this Test was lost in between the ears. We had it in the fucking bag. Even with our top order crumbling, the golden boy Phil Hughes gone cheaply yet again, the no-longer-captain-just-non-contributing Ponting gone, we still had it in the fucking bag as we had a nice lead. It only started to get shaky when the normally reliable Hussey, first ball, went chasing a widish delivery. I don't think I've ever seen the Huss lose his head like that before when facing his first ball, particularly in a dramatic situation. His off stump maybe, his composure surely not. Is this a sign? Is this Alzheimer's creeping up on him? Forgetting to grundle is surely how it begins. Anyway, with Huss gone things were starting to look uncomfortable. Enter Brad Haddin. At 5/15, he charged down the pitch and flailed at a short one. That's right. 5/15 in a Test match. Down the pitch. Flailing. What in the fucking hell would possess him to do that? You wouldn't even play a shot like that at 5/15 in a fucking T20 chasing 30 to win. Some batsmen would never play a shot like that in T20 period. I am calling it: THE WORST AND MOST UNNECESSARY AND FUCKED UP SHOT EVER!

Haddin was fined $10,000 for turning up to the Newlands TEST in his T20 kit...

So now we were in trouble. The unassailable lead we were supposed to be building was becoming more assailable by the second. Then just to piss me off completely, useless as fuck Johnson spoons one straight into the chest of gully. Typical Mitch response to pressure. Then Harris comes into bat next. Regardless of the way he strides to the pitch meaning business, as a batsmen, the Rhino makes a fucking good bowler. He should never come in ahead of Siddle who can actually bat for extended periods. All these little things matter Even just another 50 or so runs and the South Africans have to go about the chase a little more carefully. As it was, they had the momentum and wiped off plenty of the 236 by close of play with reckless abandon. Day 3 was a mere formality.

As it all unfolded, all I could think of was the Kat, or the lack thereof. When we most needed grundle, ticker and a 500 ball half century, there was none of the above. Just Hughes looking unconvincing again. Ponting fart-arsing around at 3. Hussey showing early signs of Alzheimer's. Haddin being a complete fucking idiot. Johnson being his usual deadshit self.

Waiting...waiting......NO RUN!

Even Shane Watson, no doubt shitted off with his average opening partnership nosediving from 54.39 with the Kat to a piss-poor 31.46 with Hughes, admitted that he missed the Kat. We all miss the Kat...

Where is the Kat?!?

BRING BACK THE KAT!!!

Johnson Watch

2011-11-11T01:03:00.005+11:00

It was refreshing to see Clarke hook Johnson out of the 1st innings opening attack after a mere two overs yesterday. Ponting would have let him roll through at least 10 overs of pies during his reign, so it was great to see a captain not afraid to hook an under-performing and horribly inconsistent bowler. And it was fair enough; the Rhino had only gone for 3 runs and Johnson, once again, was easing the pressure at one end allowing 14 off his two. While Watson and the Rhino proceeded to tear the Jaapies a new one and Siddle chipped in with a run out, Johnson wasted space. Brought back on when SA were 9-for, to try and claim a meaningless, yet confidence-boosting scalp, he couldn't get it done and the Rhino didn't need a second invitation. 0/28 off 5 in a total of 96. Fan-fucking-tastic. Then, during the Aussies batting collapse, he played a fucking stupid shot exactly when it wasn't needed, picking out gully perfectly.

A match report is forthcoming; it will be all wrapped up early on day 3. There will be questions asked. People will be held accountable. There will be words of curse. It's the WHAB way.

WHAB's Match Report: Parental advisory...

Pies and Eggs

2011-11-09T09:17:00.006+11:00

As the haze of the footy finals and the Spring Carnival clears (the Professor and I don't want to talk about Dunaden's easy, walk in the park Melbourne Cup victory where we both won a shitload of cash, not too much anyway), our attentions inevitably turn to KFC and Mitchell Johnson bowling pies. Both greasy chicken and Johnson's signature dish are in abundance during the summer of cricket, and over the next few days we get an early plateful of Johnson as the Aussies take on South Africa. WHAB will, as ever, be keeping an eagle eye on Johnson and reporting on his progress throughout the match. Another guy under scrutiny will be Phil Hughes. A repeat of his heroics back on the '09 SA tour is in order here because despite riding on the back of a century to end the tour of Sri Lanka, there are still lingering doubts for most of us. I don't think there's too many people out there just yet who think that sacking the Kat was the right move. Including the Kat! Anyway as Katich prepares for his court date with the thin-skinned faggots at Cricket Australia, the selectors prepare for a possible Hughes failure in this series and to be left with egg all over their faces...not for the first time.

MELBOURNE CUP 2011

2011-10-31T14:38:00.001+11:00

The first Tuesday in November. Fuck yeah. After putting in for the day off the day after last year's Cup, I've got myself an array of snacks and a fridge full of beer.

One of the essential Cup day snacks on standby for the Captain...

I haven't worked on Cup day for over 10 years, and even then, I was actually working at the races! Anyway, this year's Cup is like trying to find an Aussie in an Olympic marathon...there's one or two there somewhere! That's what happens when you reward every horse that wins a shitty 4 horse Listed race in the UK. Anyhow, without further ado, here's your Cup field for the 2011 edition...

1. AMERICAIN Mosse/de Royer Dupre 58 (15)

Captain: Reigning champ and going every bit as well as last year after his pointlessly easy win in the Moonee Valley Cup. After thinking to myself that he would have won last year's Cup with 58 on his back, I backed him early in the piece at $17...that's looking like pretty good value now...ooh la fucking la...an obvious must for multiples.

Professor: Obvious top pick, though at the $4 I will be looking elsewhere. Househunting/moving etc means that I don't have any early money down this year so my picjs will all be about race day value.

2. JUKEBOX JURY Callan/Johnstone 57 (6)

Captain: Somewhat of an unknown quantity with no lead up runs in Oz. His form overseas reads well but I'm still loathe to back one of these European horses without seeing them in action. That's my only knock; I want to see him winning a Geelong Cup or a Moonee Valley Cup before investing...

Professor: No local runs, and no foreign horse has ever won with that profile. I'll pass. Beyond that, it's win (though super-impressive) in the Kergolay gave an indication that this could be one of the classic European flops - doesn't look fond of traffic.

3. DUNADEN Lemaire/Delzangles 54.5 (13)

Captain: The smartest thing I've done all Spring is backing this Frenchy at $22 two minutes before the Geelong Cup. Ooh la fucking la! He did pretty much there what Americain did last year and comes into the Cup with the same weight as the 'Cain did last year...the only question is, can he beat the 'Cain? He has before and with the 3.5kg drop on him, could well be doing it again...Lemaire jumps on board after the suspension of Williams...the guy's won Group races all over the world so no need to panic people.

Professor: Same story as Americain, I did not get on before the Geelong cup and here I am looking at the $8. I still might just take that as the form v Americain, plus the disdain that it won the Geelong up makes this the top hope for me.

4. DRUNKEN SAILOR Dunn/Cumani 54 (8)

Captain:

That's a no from me.

Professor: There's a second no for me.

5. GLASS HARMONIUM Cropp/Moroney 54 (23)

Captain: At 2000m and WFA this guy is the business. And Mackinnon winners invariably run well when backing up in the Cup. But when renowned trainer of stayers Michael Moroney questions his credentials at the two miles, that's enough for me. Gate 23 is no help to a frontrunner either. Prepared to pass.

Professor: Moroney is a shift, shifty man. If he says that it won't run the trip, there's a good chance that it will.

Nothing that the Harmonium has done to date makes me think that it won't run the trip and with Mackinnon form = good form, I am in.

6. MANIGHAR Oliver/Cumani 54 (21)

Captain: Wasn't convinced that he could see the trip right out last year. Equally as unconvinced this year. Can't have him.

Professor: Not for me.

7. UNUSUAL SUSPECT /Kent 54 (7)

Captain: The only thing I want to say about this fella is that he ran the fastest 1000m, 600m, 400m and 200m sectionals in the Caulfield Cup. Despite being blocked for a run between the 400m and 200m. That's a good pointer that he'll run out the trip, even though he's never run beyond 2400m. One to phatten up your multiples.

Professor: Advanced age and never tried at this distance a concern. In saying that, I loved how it closed in the Caulfield Cup. It's the one that I am sweating on a good price - 40+ and I will jump right in.

8. FOX HUNT De Sousa/Johnstone 53.5 (19)

Captain: Think he prefers 2400m and as such, cannot have him without seeing him have a trundle in the Caulfield Cup first.

Professor: Pass.

9. LUCAS CRANACH Brown/Freedman 53.5 (11)

Captain: I remember his Dad coming to this country, all the hype, chest puffing and short-priced favouritism...and....massive flop-a-roo. So hopefully this one has a bit more ticker than his Pop. Ran pretty well in the Caulfield Cup despite some concerns over his soundness so you'd expect him to improve on that. A chance.

Professor: Along with Dunaden, i'll be shopping around for a price on this, as it's run despite being a little unsound in the Caulfield Cup was the kind that you'd want to be on. In saying that, it's run was worse than the 'suspect,' and you'd be preferring to launch into the 40s, right???

10. MOURAYAN Bowman/Hickmott 53.5 (14)

Captain: Ran a cracking 2nd to Glass Harmonium in the Mackinnon. And unlike Glass Harmonium, there are no concerns about him seeing out the trip. I never thought I'd see Mourayan looking that sharp over 2000m...Include in exotics.

Professor: Include in more than the exotics. This is professors big bet. Extremely well weighted, definitely stays, coming off a career best run. Won't likely run into the back of a rapidly fading Saptapadi as it will go forward. What's not to like here? Anyone??

11. PRECEDENCE Beadman/Cummings 53.5 (2)

Captain: We all know Bart is smarmy, and we all know that Precedence is probably travelling much better than Bart would have us think...put in a similar performance to that of Viewed in the 2008 Mackinnon, i.e shithouse. Viewed won the Cup 3 days later. Think about throwing him into multiples...

Professor: I kicked myself when I was at the cup with the Captain in 2008 and Viewed won. Which means that it would be easy to 'chase' this one. However, the differences between the out of form 3,200 metre specialist Viewed and the out of form Precedence are too big to make it a good idea.

12. RED CADEAUX Rodd/Dunlop 53.3 (16)

Captain: I'll be brutally honest: I just don't like it. Need to see, it's form looks pretty decent but I'm not smashing this in the Cup when I haven't seen it go around. Fucking Internationals with no lead up runs. Does my fucking head in.

Professor: I think the Irish St Leger run gives you a good indication about what this one is all about. Meets Jukebox 3.5 kilos better after a luckless 1L third. At the 50s, I could be somewhat interested.

13. HAWK ISLAND Schofield/Waller 53 (18)

Captain: The Hawk is a massive chance to win an Adelaide Cup. This is the Melbourne Cup. This is serious...

The time honoured Adelaide Cup...

Professor: p.a.s.s

14. ILLO Cassidy/Cummings 53 (1)

Captain: Bart is one smarmy bastard. I know that he would have liked more time to work with this guy to prep him for the Cup, as such, I will leave him out, but I would not be shocked if smarmy ol' Bart booted him home.

Professor: Hard to leave out. Good European form, a settler of a run in the MV cup...

15. LOST IN THE MOMENT Buick/Bin Suroor 53 (3)

Captain: Are there any Aussies in this fucking race?!? Every time I have to look up the form it's for European races and most of it seems pretty shithouse! His form is okay but to think he could win the Cup when he doesn't like to win out of turn is a bit fucking rich!

Professor: Stays the trip, which is a positive. I really won't be having this one.

16. MODUN McEvoy/Bin Suroor 53 (5)

Captain: Not seasoned enough to win a Melbourne Cup at this stage. It's had 8 career starts...most horses going into the Cup have more miles under their legs this campaign than he has in his career.

Professor: Nope.

17. AT FIRST SIGHT King/Hickmott 52.5 (10)

Captain: Looks really tested at the trip. In fact, I think he's more a miler/mile and a quarter type. Also a possible soundness issue so just can't get excited about him at two miles. One for the romantics out there...

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Professor: Has had a really good prep. I really like both of Lloyd's horses this time in.

18. MOYENNE CORNICH Prebble/Ellison 52 (17)

Captain: I have respect for this guy, probably because I've actually seen him run. The audacity of some of these Internationals, just rocking up thinking they'll nab a Melbourne Cup! Anyway, I still don't have him to win this but his run here was pretty good and you can expect improvement.

Professor: Good European form and a solid `settler.' Well weighted for an Ebor winner, good value at the $26. If you're shopping at $26, this is probably the one you'd want to be on.

19. SAPTAPADI Symons/Ellison 52 (22)

Captain: This thing's form looks shite but I'm not convinced that it actually is a shitter at the two miles. I think he might be competitive but will not be winning...

Professor: For me, this is the first one that will be going backwards, and ruining somethings chances. SaptaSandmason.

20. SHAMROCKER Nolen/O'Brien 52 (24)

Captain: One of the early Cup favourites but she just hasn't come back in good order. Her form is awful and she jumps from the carpark.

Professor: Set for this, and if O'Brien has anything positive to say around 2:45 I'll give it a chance. I love the rocker.

21. THE VERMINATOR Newitt/Waller 52 (4)

Captain: Before Saturday's Mackinnon, I thought he was a sneaky chance at big odds in the Cup with good form around and in front of the Caulfield Cup placegetters. But his run on Saturday was uninspiring to say the least; he hadn't had a run for a while so maybe you could put it down to that, but if so, you'd be admitting that he's massively underdone for the Cup. A cheeky effort wouldn't surprise but on his Mackinnon run, he's no chance.

Professor: I'd have given this all the chance in the world if it produced anything on Saturday. Can't have.

22. TULLAMORE Munce/Waterhouse 52 (12)

Captain: Although he meets Americain 5 kgs better than in the Moonee Valley Cup, the 'Cain really destroyed him there. Just gobbled him up effortlessly and was cantering at the finish. And we know that the 'Cain prefers this trip. So you'd think that he can't win the race but has shown enough to convince that he'll be competitive.

Professor: Unders to me, as I doubt the 3200 really suits - and even at shorter distances it looks outclassed by the top ones here.

23. NIWOT Yendall/M & W Hawkes 51 (9)

Captain: Punters have gone bonkers after this guy won the Lexus, backing him in from $101 to $11...maybe at some point they'll realise that a). Green Moon went amiss, b). the only other serious opposition, Tullamore and Moyenne Corniche were scratched, and c). Macedonian and Anudjawun are not in Melbourne Cup 2011. He will be competitive as this is his trip and he's down in the weights, but is way under the odds after winning a lacklustre Lexus.

Professor: Is well under the odds now, Lexus form is good form, but it's now into Maluckyday odds, and it is no Maluckyday.

24. OLDER THAN TIME Clark/Waterhouse 51 (20)

Captain: I heard Gai talking up this horse and either she has punched in the numbers to her weather forecasting algorithm and it reads Track: Heavy 10, or she has pumped him full of 'roids. Or both. He was second in the Sydney Cup, but: a). The Sydney Cup is usually full of B-Graders and this year's was no exception, b). The 2011 Sydney Cup was run on a bog, c). The horse that won that race is an absolute bog track merchant and has done nothing else of note for it's entire career. It's astounding to me that a horse who ran a poofteenth of a length 2nd in a Melbourne Cup and with encouraging form, i.e Bauer, misses a start for this hack. It's a fucking outrage. Gai's enthusiasm can sometimes leave you seeing $ signs but don't be falling for it with this plodder.

Professor: I have nothing to add here. All yours if you want it. I'll bet the captain a six pack of his choosing that it beats SaptaSandmason home if he's keen though.

CAPTAIN'S SELECTIONS

1. Americain
2. Dunaden
3. Mourayan
4. Unusual Suspect

Throwing in one or both of Bart's horses is probably a good idea because as previously mentioned, he's a smarmy ol' bastard.

Looking every bit of his 112 years...

Professor's value corner:

It's pointless tipping my top four, as I won't come up with anything too different. However, if you're looking at value, a few that are well over the odds for me:

1. Dunaden (I think even $8 is big overs)

2. Unusual Suspect (out to $34 and blowing!)

3. Mourayan (A $10 chance for me)

4. Moyenne Corniche (Ticks enough boxes to make $34 silly)

5. At First Sight (See Mourayan)

Enjoy the great race!

MELBOURNE CUP FORM GUIDE

2011-10-31T08:19:00.001+11:00

Will be up tomorrow!!!!!!!! In the meantime, here's something to get you punters fired up:

Great Player....Shit Coach.

2011-10-04T00:09:00.007+11:00

Lions "coach" Michael Voss has declared that the Cats premiership window is over despite the facts that they got better with every game they played in 2011, they have some very good young players, and that pretty much no-one else in Australia agrees with him. The once great player and Brownlow medallist turned "coach" said that the Cats were no chance because of the retirements/pending retirements of a few club stalwarts. "I just look at the progress we've made here at the Lions over the last couple of years, all the young guys we've given a go, and I can't see the Cats beating us next season quite frankly" he said. "And that's not just sour grapes because Chris Scott became a Premiership coach before me, or because his team won as many games this year as my team won in the last two and a half years" he added hastily. A still-celebrating and drunken Scott responded to Voss' comments for WHAB: "Ahhh yeah, Vossy was such a good player, a much better player than me, but as a coach, gee he makes a great ex-player! We caught up for a coffee before the Gold Coast game and he told me that he was going to start Merritt in the forward line! I said "what the fuck for mate?!?". Then he told me he was going to let Rischitelli and Brennan play completely unmarked, that they were too shit to play for the Lions so he wouldn't bother hard-tagging them with the most annoying fucker he could find! I didn't even know what to say when he told me that, I just yelled "Gee this is great coffee!". I had a good old chuckle watching that game unfold!".

Voss' comments have also irked fans wanting him to focus on his own backyard: "Seriously, why is he gobbing off about the Cats when we've won just 7 of our last 40 games? Why is he even still our fucking coach? How the fuck can a team lose so many fucking games and then turn around and offer the coach a fucking two year fucking extension? It's like offering the Loaf another 1.2 million for the next two Grand Finals!" said seriously fucked off Lions fan Captain Carnage.

The Loaf to return for 2012/2013?!?

NRL GRAND FINAL 2011

2011-09-29T23:19:00.005+10:00

I would just like to begin this preview by sending out a great big fuck you to Des Hasler. No reason given. Just fuck you Des.

Fuck you pal.

Well the footballing gods have had their revenge on us all by delivering us an absolute bumfuck of a NRL Grand Final match-up. Millions of bbqs scheduled for Sunday afternoon have been cancelled by apathetic fans, disgruntled at having to pick between a team of douchebags and a team of Kiwis. I'm even slightly more interested in the AFL GF this year despite being a leaguey at heart. And that's Collingwood vs Geelong. That's saying something. I could have been way more excited about the Warriors tilt had I not taken the money and run on that one...ah well, hindsight is fucking great sometimes.

I've decided to go for the Warriors. They made me a bit of cash and other than most of their team being Kiwi's, I don't really take exception to any of their players. Manly, on the other hand, have the Stewarts. Brett is a rapist. Glenn and his legal team spin doctored their way into less weeks than Adam Blair got, conveniently leaving him free to play in the GF. George Rose, despite giving Gus Gould an orgasm every time he steps onto the field, is nothing more than a fucking pie cart. Brent Kite...don't even get me started on that fucking pussy. Steve Matai is the modern day Ray Price. "Your man Matai's got another burner on his shoulder Rabbits!". 10 mins later: "Matai's over! He's off his deathbed and he's scored the match winner!". Turn it up Matai. You're not really injured. You're just clapping it on to emerge out the other side in glory. Plus, you're a dirty cheap shot merchant. On top of all this, Brett Stewart raped a hapless teenager. I may have mentioned that already. Seriously, fuck you Des Hasler:

"Todd Carney blew 0.05, that's as bad as raping a girl..."

So c'mon Warriors! That felt really wrong right there, but the hatred of Manly is overwhelming, and money talks. The Warriors are excellent value at around $2.70. Take that and Shaun Johnson for first tryscorer at around $16 and you might turn Sunday into a better night than you thought possible. And as you celebrate after backing Kevin Locke to collect the Clive Churchill medal, also at $16, you'll have the added bonus of watching Manly cry. Talk about making the best of a bad situation!

The Art Of Betfair Trading

2011-09-18T22:42:00.004+10:00

Step 1: Back the Tigers just before they embark on a 9 game winning streak at a phat $26 to win the comp.

Step 2: Lay the Tigers off at $5.50 when they are barely clinging to a 20-18 lead with less than 10 minutes to go in their elimination final against the Warriors, making a tidy profit.

Step 3: Back the Warriors, who are looking the better side and have great field position at a phat $28 to win the comp.

Step 4: While counting your winnings from your Tigers bet, also enjoy watching the Warriors roll in to $8 to win the comp after Krisnan Inu scores a bullshit try.

Step 5: Hopefully more of the same next week as the Warriors take on the Storm!

Thank you and goodnight.

Pros And Cons Of The McIntyre System

2011-09-15T00:37:00.002+10:00

Let's begin with the pros:

So moving on to the cons now:

* If Teams 1 & 2 win, then week 1 of the finals was not only a complete waste of time, but it also becomes unfair in week 2. Brisbane smash Team 6 and are rewarded by now playing the 5th seeded Dragons.

*If Team 1 or 2 loses in week 1, they lose home ground advantage and have to play away to a team ranked lower in week 2. This should not happen in any sort of finals system. Ever.

*Teams 5 through to 8 should never get a second chance in a finals series. Ever. Particularly when they where as shockingly inept as the Warriors were last week.

* Ken McIntyre, who among other things dabbled in mathematics, invented this system in 1931. It's fair to say that it's not only unneccessarily convoluted, but it's hopelessly outdated.

Here is what the NRL officially have to say about the McIntyre:

"There is on-going debate each year about finals systems.

The McIntyre system in rugby league has produced some of the most exciting finals series in the game’s history.

The principle of the McIntyre system is that the top team should be rewarded by playing the bottom teams in the ‘eight’. Similarly the team that finishes eighth should have to jump a high hurdle to even reach week two.

The McIntyre system allows for the greatest possible set of options about who will reach the Telstra Premiership Grand Final and it has produced some of the most exciting finals series we have seen.

It also provides the most likely chance of the top two teams from the year meeting in the Telstra Premiership Grand Final.

At the same time it means that there is pressure on every team to win at every turn in the finals as they fight to retain or secure a home ‘city’ or ‘region’ advantage.

In a competition where the demands of mid-season representative matches can affect a club’s minor premiership standing the McIntyre system provides an opportunity for those teams that are good enough to fight their way from the bottom while also rewarding the top two teams through the ‘seeding’ system (1v8, 2v7, 3v6, 4v5).

One of the most contentious aspects of the system to many people is the fact that teams from the top four can lose their home ground advantage if they lose in week one.

The rationale for this is that the system rewards the teams that win. A team that finishes eighth and which defeats the minor premier should have the incentive of a home game in the next week.

Without this the challenges of coming eighth become almost too great.

At the same time the team that finishes first or second will always be under pressure to win."

Firstly, what good is it to Manly to secure a home 'region' when they are nowhere near said region? It serves these clowns right that 10,000 less people turned up than if it were played at Brookvale.

Also, how exactly does the McIntyre give you the best chance of teams 1 and 2 playing in the GF? If team 1, team 2 or both lose in week 1, I'd suggest it becomes an absolute lottery who makes it to the final 2. I'd also suggest that these dicks check out how regularly 1 and 2 meet in AFL Grand Finals.

"A team that finishes eighth and which defeats the minor premier should have the incentive of a home game in the next week. Without this the challenges of coming eighth become almost too great"....well maybe 8th should have thought about how difficult it would be when they were playing rubbish at various stages through the year. It should be fucking difficult, not based on one performance.

For fuck's sake Gallop and co, get your fucking house in order and go with the simple, effective and fairer system that the AFL uses. I have not heard one single fan say "wow, this McIntyre system is just fantastic!" ever so you guys are fucking deluding yourselves by printing the italic-ed horseshit above. Fuck right off.

NRL FINALS PREVIEW

2011-09-05T14:38:00.006+10:00

Tigers v Dragons

Most people whose team will not be featuring in the 2011 NRL Finals will no doubt be jumping on the Tigers bandwagon. They play exciting footy and Marshall is just superb to watch, whether on the field or punching haters in the Macca's carpark. Riding into 4th on the back of an 8 game winning streak, it's worth noting that they were paying a phat $26 after their rubbish Round 18 loss to the lowly Eels. And I mean phat, not fat like the lip of the clown who tried to sue Benji for giving him a fat lip, but phat. And my wallet will be nice and phat should the Tigers go all the way. Seriously, you go to Macca's, run your mouth off, wake up the next morning with a fat lip and take that shit to court? How about stop wasting everybody's time and man the fuck up. Benji is busy trying to win me a truckload of cash and gets pulled from training to defend charges of assault occasioning grievous fat lip?...Fuck off you soft-cock clown-man.

This could definitely go either way with the Dragons winning their last couple of regular season matches and regaining some momentum. But after falling agonisingly short against the Red V in last year's preliminary final, the Tigers will take a lot of belief into this after knocking them off in Round 22. It will likely be fairly close with the Dragons amping up their defense for the finals and going some way to tone down the Tigers. Backing the Tigers home though and hoping for losses from the Storm, Broncos and Eagles! Well two of those are feasible anyway...

Broncos v Warriors

The Warriors are always up for a stoush with Melbourne or Brisbane and no doubt Suncorp will be packed full of a ghastly concoction of heavy South Island accents, unintelligible Ipswichian shrieks and bad hair on Saturday night...

The product of Trans-Ipswich-Tasman mating: the Brogan...

Steer clear of the greater Milton area that night people...A shame for suspended tough-man Thaiday that he won't get to pick on the likes of Hohaia, Moloney and Johnson here, he no doubt would have been primed for those guys. I think the Broncos are a huge chance to win the comp but this is the match-up they didn't want. The Warriors should really test Brisbane up front and have dangerous runners in Locke, Johnson, and of course the Beast is back for this, but all I remember of the Warriors in last year's finals was them getting destroyed by the Titans. That, and a couple of other finals failures makes me a bit wary of tipping them...so I'll predict the Broncos will do it for Lockyer in another close one but will be hoping the Warriors can help take me a step closer to that phat payout...

Sea Eagles v Cowboys

I would just like to begin this piece with a great big fuck you to Des Hasler. No reason given. Just fuck you Des. With suspensions and without Brookvale Oval, it wouldn't shock to see the Eagles get rolled here. Thurston has been fairly ordinary since his return and you get the feeling if he gets his shit together the Cowboys are a chance in this. But for once and for all snuffing out my 2011 tipping competition tilt with their loss to the Warriors, Thurston and the Cowboys can go and get fucked. Anyway, should be a huge crowd at the Sydney Football Stadium which is only slightly more convenient for the Eagles. Cowboys are a sneaky chance, but like I said, they can totally get fucked.

How I would of felt if the Cowboys weren't so piss-weak...

Storm v Knights

The Storm were clearly second best against Manly two weeks ago and were made to look like under 8's against the Roosters, but with all hands back on deck, they will run right through the Knights. Newcastle are simply making up the numbers in these finals. They were the lesser of two evils last Friday night but should be commended for knocking out Rusty and his Rabbitohs:

Carn Souffs!

More Hilarity From The Sheep Shaggers

2011-08-17T10:09:00.008+10:00

As if their funny as fuck accents, dalliances with ewes, and inability to deal with under-arm bowling weren't enough, well our Kiwi friends just get more hilarious!

http://wwos.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8286467

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! No really, it's a great initiative, and I love the clever slogan "Touch...pause...and don't engage"...

Probably a wise move when you're going home to this!

The Captain Is Back!

2011-08-07T18:15:00.003+10:00

After a newborn-baby-boy enforced layoff over the past couple of weeks, the Captain is back! No signs of boganism yet from my little fella, let's call him Son of Captain, something to be thankful for there. I'm pleased to report that swimming as a career path has been ruled out due to his hatred of being bathed, which is great because swimming is bat-shit boring and there's fuck all money in it. My plan for him is definitely tennis; World No. 1, all four Grand Slams, spearheading the Aussie Davis Cup tilt etc. The little guy is already showing some early ability:

Son of Captain showing a solid technique, even at just two weeks of age...

The added bonus with tennis is the lack of boganity in the sport. It will give him an escape from going to Brisbane Broncos matches with his bogan school friends. I've been ironing out my own technique over the last few months in preparation of becoming a supercoach/tennis dad. Just don't skimp on the fish mofo or I'll smash your fucking camera to pieces asshole...Should be nice, travelling the world, hanging out with former tennis legends, smashing cameras/phones, lying down in protest in the middle of the Flushing Meadows carpark, accusing umpires of cheating, psyching out opponents in the locker room...

I'll be in my element..........

The Professor Returns...Forgets To Hit "Publish Post"...Is This Piece Actually Finished? I'm Not Sure...

2011-07-27T17:55:00.005+10:00

Time to offer the Australian selectors a bit of credit, following the release of the Australian test squad to tour Sri Lanka. I begun reading the squad with trepidation, knowing that the 'Kat' wouldn't be there, no beacon of batsmanship in a sea of nonsense was expected from the top-order. And of course, there was no Katich. Too old. Too useful. Values his wicket. Once threatened to throw hands with his lovestruck skipper.

But then... Shaun Marsh! Huzzah. Just the man that could have righted the ship against England all summer. Marsh deserves his chance at this level, as only a mountain of runs or an interesting haircut can convince this selection panel. And his call-up is long overdue. Sure, he may not get a run, with the amazing form of Phil Hughes, and the man who proves that nothing can prolong your career like a good multi-vitamin - Ricky Ponting - standing between him and a test match, but at least we know he is finally knocking on the door.

And the bowling looks likely. The choice of Copeland is again, late. Weight of wickets eventually has triumphed. Roebuck, between being a complete dick, threw out a Sarfraz comparison for Copeland today and one hopes that the comparison is for bowling, rather than the pants prowess that surely made Sarfraz's card read: 'never to play test cricket ever ever again no matter how well he bowls.'

There are of course issues. The aforementioned Kat omission rankles the most. And Mitchell Johnson again proves that he can neither bowl his way out of a wet paper bag, or the test team. And two duelling spinners, battling for a test spot. This may remind the selectors of taking both Slater and Hayden on an ashes tour and watching them raise their games, battling for the opportunity to open with Mark Taylor. The difference however, is that neither is very good.

Of course, the most irksome issue is that two young, quality quicks will make the trip to Sri Lanka, return the kind of figures that only the subcontinent can give you and get the non-test-player stamp on them.

Fifty Not Enough?

2011-07-20T09:09:00.011+10:00

AFL umpires boss Jeff Gieschen dropped a bombshell yesterday by hinting at the introduction of a 'one hundred metre penalty' for season 2012. Gieschen, who has come under fire for his umpires' repeated shithouse performances, the unbelievable amount of fifty metre penalties awarded over the past few weeks, and general game-ruining, hit back at his team's critics. "It's one hundred percent the players fault. They are obviously just all completely fucking stupid. It seems that they're not getting the message and we may need to look into harsher penalties" he said. "Whether you're five metres over the mark or five millimetres, I really don't give a fuck. And if you're a millisecond too late to a contest, that's a fifty all fucking day. A player should realise in the millisecond before his millisecond of being late that he is going to be a millisecond too late and thus, is going to be a millimetre over the mark, and pull out of the contest" continued Gieschen.

Gieschen examining a bump from the weekend's play...six to eight weeks for that shit son!

He also suggested that fans and umpires alike loved fifty metre penalties. "I know for a fact the boys love to dish them out, but I also sense the excitement of the fans when a fifty is awarded. The crowd just goes wild! A seemingly innocuous passage of chipping on the half-back line becomes a set shot from fifty metres out. A shot from fifty metres out becomes a 'gimme'. What fan wouldn't enjoy watching their team march up the field without actually having to play any footy to do it?!?". Suggesting that a harsher penalty for infringements at the marking contest was needed, Gieschen put forth the idea of a 'hundy'. "Not only could this help with dumb-ass players facing the prospect of an even bigger spray from their coach, we could have full-backs getting shots on goal. We could have guys like Matty Scarlett and Daniel Merrett in Coleman medal contention..." he mused.

Fan reaction to the news was mixed. "As a Collingwood bogan, we know we can bully the umpires into shit decisions so it's going to be great for the 'Pies" said Collingwood bogan cheer-squad leader Joffa.

Already top of the table, the 'Pies and their bogan army will be unstoppable with the introduction of the 'hundy'...

"Fuck the umpires, fuck Gieschen, fuck fiftys, fuck hundys. The game has become a fucking unwatchable joke. I watched a replay of the 2003 Grand Final recently and I could swear that I was watching a different fucking game. It was unrecognisable. That was only eight years ago! Seriously, you can't fucking bump a guy without getting rubbed out and you can't even look at the guy on the mark or you cop a fucking 'hundy'. This is what you get when put a guy in charge who was a shit player and a shit coach, he becomes a shit director of umpiring and gives already shit umpires ways and means to become more shit. Thanks for completely ruining the game fuckheads" said seriously fucked off Brisbane fan Captain Carnage.

The umpires boss is also coming under fire from players with a spate of broken ankles, torn ankle ligaments and torn calf muscles in recent weeks. Many are considering legal action after sustaining their injuries trying to avoid going a millimetre over the mark whilst running at full speed. "Basic physics will tell you that it's impossible to just stop dead when you're running at full speed but that is what we are being asked to do. I tried to stop on a dime, my ankle just snapped like a twig, and then while writhing on the ground in agony, I suffer the added pain of the umpy awarding another fifty" said one player who didn't wish to be named for legal reasons, and also so he could unleash this spray on Gieschen and his "faggot" umpires: "It's season over because of these fuckwits and their bullshit rules. They just fuck the game up a little bit more each year. Those little, mostly balding fuckers in their gimpy little outfits, with pasty poofter chicken legs, with no feel for the game whatsoever, they just make my fucking blood boil. Thanks a fucking lot you bunch of cockbags."

"That's a hundy! You can't call me a gaylord, even if it's true!"

You Know It's (Definitely!) Not Your Team's Year When...

2011-07-17T00:53:00.004+10:00

On the Rabbitohs last set of six in regular time, Roosters hooker Anthony Mitchell is knocked out next to the play the ball. When this happened to Mick Crocker earlier in the game, play was stopped for 10 mins while he was helped off the ground, stunned, but resplendant in a freshly-dressed Armani suit...Is he okay?...We can hold up the game for a bit longer if his measurements aren't quite right...But anyway, with Mitchell in fucking la-la land, this time, it's 'play on'. Whatever. After Souths complete their set, the Roosters work their way downfield to seemingly set up a shot at the match-winning field goal. Anasta is set to the left, 40m out. Just where he hit that one to sink the Tigers in last year's finals...it's going to Anasta there on the left, that's the play...then, as a still obviously concussed Mitchell staggers into dummy half and fires the ball to the right, and a valiant 42m left-footed attempt from Jason Ryles lands 10m short and 5m wide, as the big fella throws his hands in the air and asks "why the fuck would you give it to me?!?!?', well, you can almost sense that little fucker Sandow smashing over a golden-point droppy from 52m out in the rain...

There's always next year.....

Origin 2011, Final Thoughts

2011-07-06T22:41:00.004+10:00

Congratulations QLD. Congratulations Locky. Congratulations even to fat Inglis, though commiserations to Rusty Crowe because that'll be all for Inglis for the season!

I am always gracious in defeat, and don't generally like to comment straight after matches where my team has lost, as drunk QLDer mates tend to pass it off as sour grapes, without even listening to what I say.

Again, congrats to QLD, what I'm about to say is not meant to undermine the Maroons victory in any way...

But Tony Archer is the worst fucking referee ever in the history of Rugby League. I had no dramas whatsoever with Shayne Hayne's call of the game tonight, but the slicked-back Archer, too busy greasing back his hair and listening to his own whiny voice instead of being competent, well he can go fuck himself, and then do it again. He now has the trifecta; a fucking disgraceful performance in the NRL Grand Final, a fucking disgraceful performance in the Tri-Nations Final, and a fucking disgraceful performance in the Origin Decider. And yet, this fuckwit, who clearly isn't up to it, continues to be awarded with a whistle in the big games. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! If he inexplicably gets given another big game, then I will have no choice but to be at said game and finish what Todd Carney started...

And Sam Thaiday...what a hard man. He smashed Soward. He really smashed Pearce. He picked a fight with Gidley. He even smashed this puny, pasty clown:

Fuck you're a hard man Sammy. You are real tough guy. Maybe even a hero...

Final Analysis: Lockyer = champion. Archer = fuckwit. Thaiday = "hard man". Sticky, brought some passion back to the Blues shirt. Bozo, enough is e-fucking-nough. Everyone has a place in life...yours is with The Continuous Call Team. Qld got the business done and Locky got his fairytale...But the Blues showed me enough, in a series with two away games, to make them specials for next year. That's right, put your house on 'em. At 24-0, and with no possession to speak of, to somehow end up only losing that match by 10 was a solid effort. A couple of consolation tries maybe, but you can't say that QLD had clocked off when they were pounding the Blues line for last 20 minutes. At 24-10, the Blues had plenty of chances but lacked the clinical finish. The Count's trap-with-the-foot-gone-wrong ended up being the difference; it kept Qld just far enough in front that NSW felt they had to play catch-up footy for the rest of the match...at 18-10, they're playing more sensibly in attack than at 24-10. Add home ground advantage to the Blues new-found spirit under adversity, then subtract Lockyer, add a tentative Thurston just getting back to regular football after a potentially serious injury, add/subtract Qld guys getting old, then add that Qld couldn't be more due for a series loss, and the Blues will win next year. You heard it here first.

That's me done for Origin 2011. Looking forward to 2012, where the Blues will reign and the Maroons will be of busted-ass...

Origin III Thoughts

2011-07-05T23:53:00.004+10:00

The moment of truth is finally here for NSW, Sticky and Bozo. Only a win tonight will suffice in the eyes of WHAB. Only maroon-shirted hicks with their heads in their hands, as a tear rolls down Locky's cheek, is good enough. Near enough just ain't fucking good enough. I don't want to know about an "honourable loss" followed by Bozo talking up the 2012 tilt. It's go time Blues! Fire 'em up Gallen!

On a sobering note for the Captain is the realisation that I will soon be father to a QLDer, unless I can convince the missus to head south of the border when the moment arrives. "But the Tweed is only an hour away...honey, do you really want our son to grow up a bogan, grow a rat's tail, leave home one day in some sort of Holden vehicle, and move to Ipswich?...And worse, he'll never know the feeling of getting steak pieces caught between his two front teeth...

The poor little fella won't stand a chance..."

GO THE BLUES!!!

Isner vs Mahut Rematch Causes Riot At Wimbledon

2011-06-22T23:10:00.007+10:00

Crazed fans rioted at Wimbledon yesterday when the highly anticipated match between John Isner and Nicholas Mahut ended after only three sets, and a mere 2 hours 3 mins. Seats were ripped out, the net was set on fire, and disgrunted tennis goons hurled any food snacks they no longer required at the players and officials.

Scenes from Court 3 after yesterday's fizzer...

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with the rest of these salted cashews?!?" asked one man, brandishing a barely-nibbled-at 2kg salted cashew bag. Others demanded refunds, crying foul that they had not gotten value for money. "Mahut just didn't put in, looked like he'd rather be elsewhere, and quite frankly, that's just not good enough" said another fan. "Tennis elbow or no, a piss-poor 34 games and a paltry 104 first serves? What a waste of time, money and honey-roasted macadamias" he said. Police had to be called in to break up the unruly mob, and CCTV footage will be viewed to identify the instigators. "Obviously the fans are disappointed that the match was over in the blink of an eye and they haven't managed to finish their snacks, but this sort of behaviour cannot be tolerated at the Championships" said a police spokesperson.

Police move in as the situation intensifies...

Not everybody was unhappy with the result as bookmakers cleaned up on the unexpectedly short match. "We didn't pay out a single winning bet on that one" chuckled Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet. Isner himself was also pleased: "Thank fuck for that! Nic wasn't himself today which helped me get through some 9 hrs quicker. Now that clay courter in the 2nd round is toast!" he declared.

When asked for his final thoughts on the rivalry, Mahut gave this: "I am ranked 94 in the world. John is ranked 47. Didn't these idiots know that Federer was playing at the same time as us? Go watch the six time Wimbledon champion instead you fucking morons!".

Isner vs Mahut: The Rematch

2011-06-20T22:40:00.005+10:00

John Isner celebrates his Wimbledon 2010 1st round victory...before realising that he's due back for 2nd round action in just two hours...

Not content with the epic 6-4, 3-6, 6-7 (7), 7-6 (3), 70-68 win of John Isner over Nicholas Mahut last year, "God is just taking the piss" by pairing them up once more, according to Isner. "Well my first thought was 'are you shitting me?!?'", said the American beanpole. "Then I headed straight out to the practice court and pounded serves for six hours". Mahut was equally stunned with the draw, describing his first reaction to the news as "like a punch in the cock". "Seriously, I wasted eleven hours and five minutes of my life losing that fucking match. Just when I think my tennis elbow has recovered enough, now I've likely got to fire down another ten thousand serves tomorrow. What a load of bullshit!". Isner also eluded to the toll the match took on him; "While it was great to win that match, it fucked my whole tourny. I was talkin' big servin' my way into the round of 16. Instead I got fucking pumped by a clay court specialist in the second round!".

The pair have become good friends since that marathon Court 18 stoush, and when Isner joked last week that they were going to meet again, the Frenchman didn't see the funny side. "I said 'that's not even funny, I'll punch you in the cock if you say that again'". Mahut said he has prepared for the match by eating pasta and drinking Gatorade non-stop since the draw was released.

Fans have gone crazy trying to secure tickets to the match, likely to be played out once more on Court 18. "I just love serving" said one fan. "If they can just give me even half of what I was fortunate enough to behold last year, then I'll be in heaven" he said while showing off the "biggest bag of salted cashews that I could find". Another mused enthusiastically about the tactics that might be employed; "I think Nic will serve mostly down the T. That's his money serve. John will try and use his height and kick it a bit wider. It's going to be another fascinating contest!".

Michael Sullivan of Sportingbet reports that Head To Head and Set Betting have been widely overlooked in this match. "Punters are more interested in the Most Aces and Total Games options. Isner 111-120 aces is favourite there at $3, and in Total Games 181-190 is the popular pick at $4.50".

Australian tennis fans who don't have Foxtel will not see any of the match live, with Channel Nine focusing primarily on the Aussie tilt. Foxsports will show the entire match, plus a four hour highlights package the day after it's conclusion.

Hilditch Puts His Spin On Cricket

2011-06-15T09:34:00.009+10:00

Trying not to think about another likely series loss for the Blues this evening only leads me back to something that's been bothering me every bit as much as the disgraceful lack of contract for the Master Of The Grundle, Simon Katich. What do Nathan Hauritz, Jason Krejza and Xavier Doherty have in common? Well they've all been trotted out at Test level for Australia and, quite frankly, have sucked. So in rebuilding for the future, Master Douchebag Hilditch and his merry band of douchebag selectors reward all 3 of these guys with a contract. That's right. All 3 of these guys that you've witnessed stinking it up against the Poms have been given fucking contracts. One wonders what in the fucking hell we need these guys for if they not only can't cut it at Test level, but are competing for ODI/T20 spots against Cameron White and Steve Smith. I guess, looking forward to our next Ashes tour, that gives us 5 fairly useless options in the spin department. But seriously, it's all about the future...And building an army of spinning all rounder types for limited overs. Which is great considering we just missed the boat on that one with the sub-continent World Cup done and dusted for another 12 years or more. A future of 40-year-old-spinning-all-rounder-limited-over-specialist types, ripping it up at the 2024 World Cup eh Hilditch and sidekicks? You fucking clowns, where's the future in this squad without some young spinners who've shown some early skill in the longer version of the game? And you know what? The thing that's mostly fucked us all off is losing 3 STRAIGHT FUCKING ASHES SERIES' YOU FUCKING TWATS! If I could ask for just one thing as an Aussie cricket fan, it's Ashes glory! And you're telling me Phil Hughes, a distinct lack of grundle, and this collection of spinning mediocrity is going to get the urn back for us?!? Are you d'bags off your fucking trolley?!?

So to Hilditch, G. Chappell, Boony and Cox, on behalf of all true Aussie cricket fans, Simon Katich, Brad Hodge, and even Zaheer Khan;

FUCK AND FUCK OFF NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From One Lot Of Retards To The Next...

2011-06-08T08:55:00.005+10:00

As if the Blues demented selections weren't enough, that douchebag head of selectors for the Australian Cricket Team is at it again. This time he's decided that super-grundler Simon Katich isn't in the top 25 cricketers in the country, with a view to the next Ashes series. Sure the Kat has never been the most exciting batsmen but I've always felt that he's someone who could consistently be relied upon at the top of the order. And given our current situation, i.e, an Ashes flogging on home soil featuring a pretty average bunch of cricketers, there is no question he is well inside our best 25. He's more like top 5 or 6. I can understand that Hilditch and his cronies want to get a younger opener in for the next Ashes BUT: Firstly, they could have done it by dropping our best batsmen Watson down the order and keeping the Kat as the experienced opener. If Watson bats at 4 or 5 I reckon he averages around 80. Secondly, even if they keep Watson as opener, what happens if it doesn't work out with Hughes? Which is highly likely, mind you. The only other option is Paine who is a keeper/ODI opener and you would think more of a perfect replacement for Haddin at 7 in a couple of years. Surely you couldn't entertain the idea of Haddin opening. The man loves to loft. And that's great when you bat at 7 in Tests or open in ODI's. Not great when you open in Test Match cricket. Katich was the perfect guy to keep in this transitional phase. He gave you options. Now there's only one immediate option, and it's a huge call to assume that Hughes will work. The guy no doubt has plenty of mental scars from his previous Ashes campaigns. The worst thing about this is that because the Kat doesn't have a contract, they won't consider him even if Hughes sucks or Watson gets injured. They will have to stubbornly try to justify their belief that he's not in Australia's best 25. And he should be pointing out that he, in fact, is easily in that group, with a Brad Hodge style barrage of abuse...

I've seen it before. Once you don't have a contract, you only get a look in for a tour of Zimbabwe. And if they picked me for a tour of that hellhole, and I'm sure I can speak for the Kat here, I would consider that a fucking insult...

BREAKING NEWS: Return Of The Wolfman!

2011-06-07T12:50:00.003+10:00

With Blues winger Akuila Uate in doubt for Origin II after trying to use a Wests Tigers player as a shovel, David Williams, AKA The Wolfman, has loomed up as the obvious replacement in the eyes of the NSW brains trust of Ricky Stuart and Bob Fulton. "He's been there before" said Fulton, referring to the Wolfman's shocking performance in a 2009 Origin match at Suncorp. "He's the logical replacement for Akuila" said Stuart, referring to Williams' comparative slowness/lack of gusto, and his inability to tackle big QLD centres and wingers. Stuart also hinted that if he does get a run, The Wolfman may be played in a variety of positions during the match. "We've canned this notion of having players only play in their specialist positions. We think if we play guys all over the place it might baffle and bewilder QLD into submission" he mused. "Don't be surprised to see him roughing it with the QLD forwards".

With the latest news, NSW has drifted to $8.50 to win Game 2 and $41 to win the series...

The NSW Way...

2011-06-05T23:18:00.003+10:00

Great to see Ricky Stuart sticking rock solid to his philosophy of picking players in their rightful positions for the Blues. Hence, Hayne on the wing despite "five-eighth being his best position". Good to see the future of NSW (2012 and 2013 excluded of course), William Hopoate, in his regular backline position in the centres; fucking Manly trying to pass him off as a winger... And yeah, Gallen as a lock? Fuck that, he's totally a front rower. Just like Mannah is totally a starting front rower, even if he starts all of his Parramatta games from the bench as a specialist there...After our front rowers were ridiculously outgained in Game 1, it's refreshing to see even less front rowers in Game 2. Kade Snowden...does he deserve a second chance being a young front rower? Nah, fuck that. Let's bring in more second rowers. Second rowers are the future. And locks packing in at 8. And Michael Weyman can go fuck himself. Like I said...refreshing...building for the future.....

The common denominator linking the recent seemingly insane selections to the fucktarded selections of the last 5 years is Bob Fulton. So if we don't win Origin II, with our distinct lack of front rowers, despite front row-manship seeming to be our glaring weakness, I will not rest until Fulton has resigned/jumped off a cliff/publicly admitted he's a 24-carat fuckwit...

You've been served Bozo...

Origin Pre-Match Banter

2011-05-25T10:39:00.003+10:00

After throwing various barbs at the "bogan Queenslanders" at work with "gaps between their front teeth", I've discovered the best way to offend the "redneck nut-jobs" is to tell them the main reason you want the Blues to win tonight, and this series, is to ruin Lockyer's fairytale finish. These hillbillies become more personally affronted at the thought of Locky bowing out of Origin a loser than when Backdoor Benny made his usual tactless remarks, this time about the QLD floods.

So c'mon the Blues. Let's make up for 5 forgettable years of shit selections, shit players, and a general lack of pride in the Blues shirt and piss all over Lockyer's fairytale ending!

Why Free To Air TV And Sport Don't Mix

2011-04-28T23:16:00.008+10:00

Example #1:

After being run into the ground by this guy;

Former One HD head of programming, let's call him Clive.

One HD have totally given up on sport. Rather than ask why their ratings sucked balls, they have decided to go in a different direction. Whilst mildly interesting, I'm pretty sure Ice Road Trucking is not a sport. If they had of perhaps listened to viewers, or rather had the intelligence to provide some sort of forum for disgruntled viewers to easily share their grievances, if they had of held that anonymous someone responsible for their insulting programming accountable rather than making Clive the scapegoat, if they just had of shown any aptitude for covering sport, surely things could have been different. Sport is hard to fuck up. You just have to give the people what they want. Yes, live sport is good, but you know what, I can't watch a midday Lakers game on a Wednesday because I, like most people, go to work. And I'll be fucked if I'm going to get up at 3am the next morning to watch the replay. I'm not going to spell it out for you how it should play out, hell, I've done that enough times, but all I'll say is that I probably wouldn't be showing Recruits at prime time. Again, it's arguable as to whether Recruiting/Being Recruited could be classified as a sport...

Anyway, the final chapter of my One HD bashing concludes by simply saying that sport is hard to fuck up if you do it right. Just ask Foxsports. And yeah;

Right back at ya "Clive"...

Example #2:

Delaying the blockbuster Broncos vs Bulldogs clash by an hour for the Royal Wedding! When it's on the ABC, Channel 7 and Channel 10 as well! I don't think I'm alone in saying that I'm fucking outraged! Enough said!!!!!!!!

Save Todd Carney!

2011-04-20T00:01:00.003+10:00

If for no other reason than dishing out some payback for some disgraceful refereeing performances, the NRL needs Todd Carney!

That's for the GF and Tri-Nations final you douchebag!

Ponting: The Final Frontier

2011-04-03T23:02:00.006+10:00

After delivering us the bumfuck that was an Ashes humiliation on home soil, Punter ended his era as captain with an inauspicious quarter final exit at the World Cup. And then, once he finally let go of the reins, all I heard was "most successful captain ever", from complete douchebags who know fuck-all about cricket. This was mostly from free to air channels obviously. Just because he was captain for long enough to amass most victories in this and that, there's a thing called strike-rate...another thing called common sense...I don't have the time or resources to pull stats out of my ass these days, but I feel comfortable that my opinion of Ponting as the most retarded "highly regarded" captain of all time is well held. And if you really want stats, well here's a fucking stat: Ashes series lost: 3. That's all the stats I need. And this will be the legacy of the man. Anyone who knows anything about cricket isn't fooled by the number of W's on his CV. His fucked up decision to bowl first in the 2nd Ashes Test in 2005 is the reason we started this blog, and now that he has moved on as captain, well I still get pissed off weekly with similarly retarded things that happen in sport, so WHAB will continue on it's merry way. Hell, I'm still pissed off about that decision. I will never forget those fateful words "We'll have a bowl", considering it meant unleashing Brett Lee and Kasper upon England on the mother of all perfect batting pitches...

Adios douchebag.

One gets the feeling that it won't be long before his successor is the primary focus of our rants; he's certainly been in our sights before. And he's learnt everything he knows about captaincy off Punter. So it'll be business as usual here at WHAB...

Our new captain.....fuck me sideways.

Oh Fuck It....Again!

2011-03-26T15:36:00.009+11:00

The original "Oh Fuck It". $899 fully framed...

That last over of the 1999 WC semi final is etched in my memory forever...

Then there was "Oh Fuck It" on home soil. Miscalculating the runs required under Duckworth Lewis. A brick wall defensive block from Mark Boucher, only to realise that they actually needed one more run...

Then there was "Oh Fuck It" Caribbean Style. Skittled for 149 by the Aussies in the semi final...not quite enough...

Then there was 2011. NZ are looking pretty ordinary in the early stages of the tournament. They look completely outclassed when they come up with a paltry 221 in the quarter final. To cut a long story short, Jacob Oram destroys the Jaaapies, despite the fact that he is batsmen first, bowler second. That's right. Jacob Oram.

For the Aussies, well, who didn't see the ultimate demise of our 3-pronged pace attack. After all, it was the sub-continent...the final 10 overs against India saw to it. Shaun Tait in India, what a debacle...but seriously, it's all your fault Krejza...we totallly gave you the chance to win it all for us, but you fucked it...

WTF?!?!?

2011-03-22T00:39:00.004+11:00

With Wayne Bennett looking set to return to the Broncos next year, the Dragons began auditions for their 2012 coach last night, handing back the reins to Nathan Brown. In a blast from the past, "Browny" had the Dragons players smearing their hands with vaseline pre-game, dropping the ball repeatedly, throwing forward passes, trying to score off the first tackle, chip kicking, chip kicking some more, giving away cheap penalties, letting a Sharks player gain another 20m after an attempted strip gone wrong, putting through more chip kicks, and he also reportedly bitch-slapped Jamie Soward after the game for good measure. Great news for the other 15 teams, we've missed ya Browny!

The Roosters returned to their 2009 form by making so many mistakes in the first half that Manly started to actually believe they could win the game. Everything they learned from last year's run to the GF, out the window. Other under-whelming teams included the Parra-that-no-longer-matta, the Raiders with their big, mean forwards who turned into powderpuffs in the face of the Broncos pack, and, well the Titans have completely forgotten how to play the game in the off-season. Then there's Souths...

They should be good. But they're not. The halves are mostly to blame, followed closely by Russell Crowe. Sutton is suffering from a bad case of "Anasta Syndrome". He is a lock that has been stuck in a number 6 jersey for way too long. Sandow is just not good enough to steer this side anywhere near a Premiership. His decision-making is poor, he's way too pre-occupied with shoulder-charges when he should be focused on leading his team around the paddock, and if Souths are serious about a Premiership tilt, they need a solution in the halves. Rusty Crowe thought that over-paying a centre who gives you 4 or 5 quality home and away games a year would solve all their problems.

Oi! Inglis! I'll give yer a part in me next 'ollywood block-buster!

Inglis' performance on Sunday was one of the worst I've seen by an NRL player. Looking completely disinterested, he was made to look like an absolute clown by Jamal Idris (NSW selectors, please take note). By the way, Beau Champion is killing it down in Melbourne...

Our Cricket World Cup unbeaten streak is over! A pretty unbelievable 34 game streak it was too. Now, with India in the quarter-finals, we might be about to start a different kind of streak. This trio of pace bowlers on the sub-continent thing that the selectors have gone with could be about to fail spectacularly if they don't get it right to the likes of Sehwag, Tendulkar, Yuvraj, Kohli etc. But I guess they've set the whole thing up nicely if it does fail, with Krejza the obvious scapegoat for not single-handedly bowling us to a World Cup win. Fucking typical. It's real fingers crossed stuff...

Lastly and leastly, the award for most useless performance of the week goes to the NSW Waratahs. They were spanked 23-3 at home by a team who don't show any interest whatsoever in trying to score tries, who had never won a game outside South Africa, and who barely win games period. To make your fans sit through that monstrosity, seriously, get fucked! QLD will show you guys how to deal with the Cheetahs this week. That is unmercilessly...

The Cheetahs of all things...WTF is going on?!?!?

WHAB is back!!!

2011-03-13T23:22:00.002+11:00

After an enforced hiatus, WHAB is back people! And I can't think of a better time to come back...Week 1 NRL, Cricket World Cup, Super 15, and the Miracle at Suncorp Stadium. Firstly I need to talk about the Miracle at Suncorp Stadium. This had to happen. I'm sorry Central Coast, you guys played great, but it was meant to be for Brisbane...it would have been an absolute travesty for the boys to get rolled after the season they've had. With 10 minutes of extra time left, I prayed for miracle. I got one. If you haven't watched the game yet, you need to. This city got fucked on by floods not that long ago, and for everyone living in Brisbane town, this was our reward...

NRL notes: Dragons still the team to beat. Roosters a chance, great to see them wrestle back victory from the jaws of defeat at the hands of Rusty Crowe. Rule changes good...referees still bad...Sharks still absolutely awful...

S15: The draw between the Western Force and Auckland Blues prevented a perfect round of tipping for me...

Racing: If you ever see Shocking at $8.50+ for a Group 1 at Flemington over 2000m+ and don't hit that, then you sir, are an idiot...

Cricket World Cup: All I want to say is that splitting points for a rained out match is totally not good enough. Play the match the next day. That's not too difficult. I'm sure the TV networks can figure out the logistics. 1 point each, what a fucking joke...so our game against Canada is rained out...we'll split the points, it's only fair. How about fuck right off?...

Good to be back, plenty to talk about over the coming weeks, no doubt...

SUPERBOWL XLV PREVIEW

2011-02-04T22:52:00.005+11:00

Green Bay have turned it on the last few weeks, first needing to win to clinch a playoff spot (the lowly no. 6 seed), then taking a road trip to the Superbowl via Atlanta and Chicago. The thing that has impressed the most about the Pack this season though, is that they've done it all with an injury toll that would see a top 4 NRL side finish near enough to last.

Pittsburgh looked the business from the get-go this season. Missing Roethlisberger for the first 4 games, they still found a way to win 3 out of those 4, the loss to Baltimore no disgrace at all. It was then that I decided that the $12 on the 'Burgh was just too good to resist. They had all the ingredients back then, and they still have them now.

Green Bay are certainly a chance in this but the one thing the Steelers have shown this season is that you just cannot run on them. The Packers uncovered James Starks in the latter stages of the season as their running backs fell one by one, but I predict that he's going nowhere against this rushing defense. And that leaves it all in the hand of Aaron Rodgers; I'm not saying he can't do it pretty much all by himself, but it makes life a lot tougher for him with no run.

At half time, I'll be smashing this to the sounds of the Black Eyed Peas:

Yep, this is just about worth giving up a Monday at work...

I might be biased here, but I think Green Bay are false favourites. The Steelers are proven playoff/Superbowl warriors and they've had that sniff about them since before I backed them after week 4. The Packers smashed an underwhelming Atlanta, but then, after a couple of early strikes against a better defense in the Bears, came up with not much for the rest of the game. If Cutler wasn't injured, and Chicago weren't down to their 3rd string QB, I'd say the Bears at the very least get that Conference Final into overtime. I will also argue that the Steelers have played better teams, or at least better playoff teams, the last two weeks. In their second half against Baltimore (when down 21-7 at the half), they monstered a physical Ravens side all over the park. Against a Jets side who had just rolled the Patriots, they absolutely smashed them in the first half. As the Jets mounted a spirited comeback, they had 1st and goal at the Steelers 1 yd line. They ran 4 times. With two gun running backs in Tomlinson and Greene, they still couldn't get in for the touchdown. That epitomises a Championship outfit. Not to mention they've won Superbowls recently in 2005 and 2008 with some familiar faces. Another big point for me is that the Roth is much harder to get on the ground than Matt Ryan, Jay Cutler, Todd Collins or Caleb Hanie. All that said, Rodgers could bring the Pack home on his back...he is that good...

It promises to be one of the better Superbowls, so enjoy the game folks, whether you have a Superbowl RDO or you're catching the replay, or you're working a half day and going home at half time to watch it off IQ... I like how the Packers have done it, Mike McCarthy is surely Coach of the Year with daylight 2nd and Raheem Morris 3rd (next year Bucs!)...but head, heart and Betfair account says Steelers all the way!!!

Andrew Hilditch - You Selfish Motherfucker

2011-01-16T00:16:00.005+11:00

After the horrifying events that have occurred during Hilditch's reign as Chairman of Selectors, I leave you this equally horrifying link...

When Trevor Hohns was our Chairman of Selectors, I hated the guy. That smarmy fucking bastard always seemed to have the answer to everything. Well, I apologise T. Hohns...because, looking back, not only were you actually right most of the time, but you also knew when it was time to go...even when you were having far more success than your successor...

So, once again, I apologise. I was wrong...And I'm not the only one who will admit that.

And Andrew Hilditch...you are the poorest of a poor man's T. Hohns. How you have the audacity to cling on to your role is more disgusting than it is perplexing.

Your disrespect for all things Australian Cricket...I will see to it that it is never forgotten.

Mark my words you selfish fuck. I will see to it that your name in Australian Cricket circles is equal to shit for as long as I live...

Wow, I'm so fucking useless at my day job. Lucky for me that the average Australian knows nothing about cricket...especially considering I'm the most selfish douchebag in Australian sporting history. But man, my pay cheque is going to be sooooo phat.....pat on the back AH, you've been outstanding!

ONE HD - No Fucking Idea

2011-01-12T01:20:00.008+11:00

For some horrifying reason, OneHD had sole coverage of Monday morning's NFL Playoffs. The staff at OneHD were giving themselves a pat on the back no doubt for airing these games live. The first game was at 5 am AEDT. I would suggest that most people are asleep at that ungodly hour on a Monday morning. The next game was 8:30 AEDT. May I boldly suggest that most people are at work/commuting to work around then. So basically, hardly anyone can watch these games live. OneHD's solution is to replay one of the four games from the weekend on Monday evening. Whatever gets the most votes on a poll on their website. So instead of doing what any decent sports channel would do, i.e replay both of Monday's playoff games, they leave you with a lucky dip, possibly involving one of Sunday's games! Fucking brilliant! Not seriously half-assed at all. They wax lyrical about everyone's right to free sport and then dish up abject sloppiness through insulting programming. Who does their programming? Someone with half a fucking clue would be a step in the right direction. It's the same bullshit with the NBA "coverage". It's more like a lack of coverage most of the time. They show a double header every Friday *live* during the middle of the day when we're all at work, but show replays at 4 am the next morning sometimes! They must be happy with the Friday viewing audience made up primarily of dole bludgers! You'd think replays of important games would take priority over Sports Tonight and documentaries you can show any old fucking time. Yep. Free to air sport is the way to go...

I guess you get what you pay for in life...

Ponting: The Final Frontier

2010-12-31T01:06:00.005+11:00

Mission accomplished. An Ashes series loss at home. What a legacy you'll leave Punter. Thanks for all the memories champ. From losing to Bangladesh in an ODI, to over-seeing South Africa's world record ODI run-chase, to helping us become the Poms' bitches. And then leaving us in the hands of Clarke. A guy who once said that he'd learnt everything about being a captain from you... A man who showed, in a recent ODI against Sri Lanka, that he has neither the balls, nor the brains for the job. Yep, I'm calling it 3-1 England. Congrats you Pommy bastards. Now, fuck the Ashes, its KFC Big Bash time!

I'm using the KFC Big Bash brought to you by KFC as a kind of therapy. And opening night didn't disappoint, with some heavy hitting from the Tassie batsmen, the umpire getting collected by a vicious, lofted straight drive, and the return of Rana. Two years ago, the man was almost completely bald. One year ago, the man had just enough hair for a comb-over. Now he has the mullet of an '80's glam rocker:

Yeah, yeah!

They say the simple things in life give you the most pleasure. Watching this man's free-flowing mullet catching the breeze, with a Super-Charged Tower Burger in my hand, well, it sure cheered me up a bit!

Third Test Wrap

2010-12-19T23:28:00.005+11:00

Well there you go. After a week and a half of our bowlers being blasted for their hopelessness, they've made the Poms look absolutely stupid. Partly because of the English press, the Barmy Army and Peter Roebuck declaring Ashes victory after Adelaide, and partly because they literally made them look stupid. As I suggested after the Adelaide debacle, our batsmen were more to blame than the bowlers there; our bowlers sent down overs and overs on a batsmen's paradise, while our batsmen failed miserably (twice) on a batsmen's paradise. But the cricketing media would have none of that shit. Anyhow, with favourable bowling conditions, our pace attack fired up and skittled the hapless Poms. Great to see a WACA green top with some old-school bounce! And the Pommies didn't like it one bit!

At this juncture, I am not yet going to apologise to Mitchell Johnson. The series isn't over yet, and even though everyone thinks you're wonderful again champ, consistency is the key. What I will say is that his first innings bowling was superb and if he could produce that most of the time, he wouldn't be reading about himself on WHAB so much. Good to see him fire up a bit too, especially at that belligerent tosser Anderson...

Onto the other bowlers, and go the Rhino! We've always had a huge opinion of the guy here and it was nice to see him get some serious rewards for his honest toil at Adelaide Oval. The wickets weren't there for Hilfy but here's a shoutout to the man who should never have been dropped for the Second Test. He bowled brilliantly with some nice swing, and was just unlucky that the English batsmen weren't good enough to get the edges. He was ultra economical, tied down an end, and it was largely due to the constant pressure he applied that England fell apart. Siddle didn't end up getting much of a go due to the capitulation (s), but from what I saw, looked like he might have taken a few if the Poms hadn't been humbled so piss-weakly.

Onto our batting...and there are still real problems here. If you take out the contributions of Hussey, Watson and Haddin, then we're likely down 2-1 in this series. Hughes didn't fire in Perth but I'm happy enough to give the guy another go, whether the cut-throat selectors are is another story. Ponting and Clarke are just in rubbish form. Considering they are captain and vice-captain, the method of their dismissals is quite alarming. There's a lot of unconvincing poking around going on. Punter now also has a fractured finger to worry about and given he looks reminiscent of one Bruce Reid with the bat at present, this sure isn't going to help him find some form. The Huss has been nothing short of brilliant. Gritty when he needs to be, showman when he doesn't. His hooking and pulling at the WACA (except for his dismissal!) was the highlight of the series thus far for me. Surely though, we can't go another Test with Smith at 6. Some may say that he made a tidy 35 in the second innings. Others, myself included, say that I thought he was going to get out on every single ball he faced. We desperately need a specialist batsmen at 6, especially when we're carrying a couple of guys further up the order. We're obviously not going to bowl four quicks anywhere else in Australia either, so dropping Smith to 8 looks a great way to juice up the batting. McDonald (if available) at 6, all of a sudden makes this team look awesome given you get a genuine medium pace option to go with his career best batting form. Otherwise, I think Khawaja is about ready for the next level. Hopefully the selectors don't get so wrapped up in our huge win that they overlook the thin-ness of our batting order...

The thing that struck me most during the Third Test is that James Anderson is one of the biggest wankers in Test cricket. The guy just gobs off at everyone, and probably even gives his grandmother the odd spray for good measure. Hussey is averaging about a thousand in the series, and is not one for a chat, but Anderson still just let fly at him. Gobbing off at the main reason Australia is still in with a fighting chance to reclaim the Ashes? The worst thing is, it's not tactical sledging, it's just a guy running his mouth because he can't help being a complete fucking tosser. Setting a great example for his newborn child. Fuck right off Anderson.

And fuck right off Roebuck. Yeah sure, England are the greatest team ever, Australia are the worst, South Africa and India, well they don't play in the Ashes so they can't be the best in the world, and can someone just give me a 10,000 word column so I can write a great big turd of an article...?

How does get fucked sound?

It's the reason us purists love Test cricket; the unpredictability of it all. And it can sometimes creep up on us, or sometimes it happens in a flash. The stage is set for another classic finish to the Ashes...here's hoping that this time we come out on top and Anderson and Roebuck go home looking like a couple of twats!

The Between-Test Rant

2010-12-10T23:23:00.004+11:00

Upon hearing the Australian squad selection today, as I feared, the selectors have missed the point yet again. After listening to the caning our bowlers have copped all week, might I throw this one out there: we got rolled twice for piss-weak scores on a batsmen's paradise. No-one in the media seems to have cottoned onto that glaringly obvious fact. The Adelaide Test should have been another boring draw for all money, but we got rolled. So why would you weaken a batting line-up already possibly weakened by the absence of the Kat? You have Hughes replacing the Kat, so that's a bit of a risk there...and then you replace a guy who's primarily a 'batsmen' in North for an all-rounder in Smith...neither of which enhances our batting prowess. I really hope these guys play well, I've got nothing against them, but after thinking about it for a couple of days, it was a perfect opportunity to play in Khawaja at 6. They absolutely had to pick a specialist batsmen at 6; my first choice McDonald (whose batting is surpassing his bowling these days) is out injured, so then I give Us-man a baggy green. Then you can bat your spinner Smith (who they obviously had decided was playing this Test since the second the Adelaide Test finished) at 8. Then you have some depth in your batting line-up. Then you don't have Mitchell Johnson back in the team, seemingly more for his batting than his bowling...say what you will people, but I just love me a 19 ball, 32 min duck! It just fucks me off that the selectors obviously had no intention of dropping Johnson for more than one Test. Fucking softcocks. And then they try a win us all over with Beer. Sure, that's worked before, manys time on me actually, but considering you've just tried a late-bloomer journeyman-type spinner and it failed, then Beer's not enough, even for this resident piss-head! Sure he won't play, as we're going into Perth with one of the most unconvincing 4-pronged pace attacks in this country's history, but why is he even in the squad? At the expense of a young pace bowler? It makes no sense. Nothing these selectors do makes sense anymore, and I wonder why,when everyone in the team is getting gunned mid-series for their suck-ery, why these fuckers can't get shown the fucking door mid-series. I used to think David Boon was awesome. Not just for his batting, but drinking all those cans on that flight to England, or from England, or whatever. But being a bit older now, I wonder how setting a beer-drinking record becomes a valuable asset on your CV for an Aussie cricket selector...I'd suggest that Boonie has had a million cans too many for that post...

Since when did Kim Hughes become a media go-to guy for the Ashes?!? All I've heard for the last week or so is one K. Hughes gobbing off deluxe about all things 2010/2011 Ashes. Punter is rubbish, Smith is rubbish, Khawaja is rubbish, Hughes is rubbish, the whole team is rubbish...may I suggest, it's you Sir who is rubbish:

This is how people remember you Kim Hughes...

You need reminding that that's what people think of when they hear your name...You ain't Shane Warne and you ain't Steve Waugh, so quit gobbing off Mr. I Averaged 37 in Tests and cried like a bitch...

To finish up, the Professor wants to punch Peter Roebuck in the face. I've wanted to punch him somewhere much more painful for as long as I can remember. If you read this, you'll want to punch that faggot too...

http://www.espncricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/490969.html

There's some great articles on Cricinfo...and then they give this cocksucker 10,000 words to go nuts...the age old question remains, it's not okay to hit a girl, but is it okay to punch a faggot? Just a short, sharp one in the mouth maybe?!? Or surely it's okay if he all but asks to be cock-punched?!? It's just so enticing...

Second Test, Day 5 Recap

2010-12-07T21:49:00.003+11:00

Unbelievable. Just fucking mind-boggling. To be dusted off like that, going down without a whimper...I'm fumbling for words. I didn't ever think it would ever be possible for an Australian team to ever lose an Adelaide Test ever, but I was horribly wrong. And so, here come the changes for Perth. I personally wouldn't be going nuts with the changes. After musing over all things Ashes via e-mail with the Professor, who is calling for wholesale changes, here's what I finally decided I would do, somewhat more conservatively:

"Starting at the top, well, the Kat is out of the series so we need a new opener. I keep Watson there for some stability at the top, our openers haven't really been the main problem anyway. I don't entirely trust Hughes but he deserves another go, and there's no-one else really knocking on the door. Maybe Marsh, but I don't trust him more than I don't trust Hughes. I leave Ponting at 3 but strip him of the captaincy immediately, and see if that gets him back to being focused on his batting. Clarke slides down the order, he's too irresponsible at 4, I just cannot trust him there. But you can't really have him anywhere other than at 5 with North/preferably someone else at 6. So it will be Hussey at 4, and captain by default. You know who's form with the bat is as good as anyone in the country this season? Ronald McDonald. Averaging 93 with the bat through 4 matches, including 3 centuries. And he's far more useful with the ball than North. It's a different change-up too with Haddin up to the stumps. That would also keep Watson from bowling too many overs and he can focus on the batting as well. So I fuck North off for Ronnie. That gives you Hughes, Watson, Ponting, Hussey (C), Clarke, McDonald, Haddin. You know what? It's humble pie time; bring back Hauritz. We don't clearly don't have anyone who's better/anyone else who's ready for Test match cricket against a strong English batting line-up, plus he bolsters our own piss-weak batting line-up. Hilf and Harris, in form, are your top two paceman in the country without a doubt. I'm still stunned they dropped the Hilf, but that's the loyalty of the selectors..."we know you've easily been our best bowler for two years, but you just didn't get it right in that Gabba Test"...Fuckers. Siddle concerns me in that he can bowl superbly for a couple of spells and then fades away alarmingly. His first innings at the Gabba was brilliant, and he's just given nothing since. And it's not just in this series that I've noticed it; it's like he can only fire up sporadically. The time is definitely right for some new blood in the bowling stocks. I bring two of the handful of promising youngsters from the domestic scene into the 13 man squad and give Siddle one more chance to fire up, and stay fired up, knowing that the youngsters are right there if he doesn't."

I'd be happy with those changes, they're all realistic except I'm pretty sure Punter will never stand down as captain, and the selectors won't change the captaincy mid-series. Besides, that wouldn't give him the chance to complete his Final Frontier...

Second Test, Day 4 Recap

2010-12-07T00:43:00.003+11:00

More boredom watching the English batsmen doing what any batsman worth his salt should; plunder runs at Adelaide Oval. This followed by our captain tying himself in a knot at the crease, and our future captain being dismissed on the last ball of the day by Pietersen of all people. I think about how a guy like Steve Waugh would have blocked that ball for all he was worth rather than trying to flick a single down the legside. On the last ball of the day. The thought wouldn't have even crossed his mind to play anything other than a forward defensive super-grundle, accompanied by a loud, long, drawn-out "No" call. "Nnnnnoooooooooooooooooo"....... Anyway, we've got a shaky Marcus North to open proceedings tomorrow. Oh boy. We need the Huss more than ever now. And the rain...

Second Test, Day 3 Recap

2010-12-07T00:41:00.002+11:00

This blog post has been cancelled due to the author's lack of interest in proceedings.

Second Test, Day 2 Recap

2010-12-05T01:07:00.007+11:00

Well that was about as fucked as it gets. Another whole day of watching England bat on an absolute road.

Somehow, it's the same road that we could only squeeze 245 out of...I hate this Adelaide pitch. I would like it a lot more if I was given the opportunity to bat on it...Every year, if you weather the storm early on day 1, which we obviously were unable to do, days 2-5 give you tennis-ball-on-bitumen conditions.

Even with England well on top here, I'd be shocked if we can't bat it out for a draw.

Even with the same batting line-up as the first innings. It's shit viewing, and the curator can go royally fuck himself for dishing up this bullshit year in, year out. Why do Test fans want to watch guys batting in easy conditions? We don't, so go fuck yourself Damien Hough.

The only reason that there's been 8 results in the last 10 years at Adelaide has been because we've had superstar bowlers like Warne and McGrath against rubbish Test opposition, so don't try running that 8 results in 10 years line past me you fucker.

We all know it's a road, and when you have two evenly matched teams, it's a fucking waste of everyone's time. Lucky there's always greasy chicken this time of year...

Second Test, Day 1 Recap

2010-12-03T23:49:00.003+11:00

A collapso-kinda start to the day for the Aussies...3/2, you don't see that score often, especially in a Test Match! What we can conclude from that early spell is that Anderson is a serious bowler, who has a penchant for gobbing off, particularly to Mike Hussey, who totally has his measure. So boot right off Anderson. But he's a serious bowler no question...much more serious than the axed Johnson, whose Gatorade ads are still running...everything adds up to one...well, your Gabba Test contribution added up to one...0 wickets + 0 runs + 1 dropped catch = 1! I was initially pretty upset about Hilfenhaus (who has been our best bowler for the last two years) being replaced here, on the back of one bad Test, and, well, I'm still pissed off about it. It's horses for courses apparently. I'm a massive Rhino fan, but don't entirely trust Bollinger, and haven't been given much of a reason to doubt Hilfy...not sure where this is all going, but I'll be on record as saying that I don't like it thanks. Anyway, the story of the day is; Anderson bowled super, those people who wanted the Huss dropped are eating their own words, and Marcus North scored a totally unconvincing 26...on a beautiful batting track...and somehow, Australia got bowled out in a day at Adelaide on said beautiful batting track...

First Test, Day 5 Recap

2010-11-30T01:26:00.002+11:00

England batted on and on at their own pace, declaring unsportingly, with no team any chance to win. The Poms looked more intent on padding their stats rather than getting stuck into the collapse-prone Aussie batting order. Yes our bowling was shite, and everything Mitchell Johnson did was terrible beyond adequate description, but seriously, what is with these fucking road pitches on days 4 and 5 of a Test match? I want to see a killer minefield out there, with confused and terrified batsmen, not guys knocking around double centuries. I want old school Test matches where chasing 150 in the final innings was treacherous. Where balls would fly off the pitch at some hapless batsmen's throat. Where you'd see guys bowled out by mully-grubbers! Fuck these curators. Now we go to the biggest road of them all in Adelaide, which will be 5 days of my life wasted watching another draw. Being pretty handy as a kid against a tennis ball in our street, I'd fancy myself to bludgeon a century at Adelaide Oval.

Johnson finished with match figures of 0/170, took 32 mins and 19 balls to score 0, and dropped a catch to kill off the game as a contest. It was the single-most useless all-round performance in a Test I've ever seen and if the selectors think he's worth a shot in Adelaide, then they're kidding themselves, insulting the fans, and depriving Johnson of some practice time back with WA. I can just see them, after bringing Bollinger and Harris into the squad, and making it seem like they're serious, not having the balls to make the change. That's how they roll. Show some gumption you pussies. And by the way, if you play two spin bowlers, Marcus North is not a fucking spin bowler just because Strauss got heat exhaustion and his brain snapped. Although he'd be pretty handy if he could bowl to himself...

First Test, Day 4 Recap

2010-11-28T23:32:00.004+11:00

With England at 0/119, Johnson, in pursuit of a performance of unrivalled uselessness, dropped a simple catch after Strauss mistimed a drive off the X Factor. And that was the match. When Strauss was finally out, England were only 20 runs behind. I don't care what anyone says, if Strauss is out when the Poms are 89 behind, it's a whole different ball game. The dropped catch, coupled with Ponting's lack of urgency to end day 3, leaves you wondering what might have been. I guess we should have known this was going to happen with our hopes resting on 'tards like Ponting and Johnson.

The numbers don't lie; Johnson has match figures of 0/131 (so far), scored 0 off 19 deliveries, and has 0 catches, with a dropped catch...if he's in your Ashes Fantasy team, well, you're fucked!

First Test, Day 3 Recap

2010-11-28T01:26:00.002+11:00

For two-thirds of the day, this was the Hussey/Haddin show. It made for great viewing, especially when Haddin started to open up. When we were eventually bowled out, after being subjected to Johnson's 0 run, 19 ball innings, it should have seen some nervous times for the Pommy openers. Instead, they were let off the hook by Punter, who just refuses to act sanely for the duration of a Test match. When the blowtorch needs to be applied, you don't throw the ball to Marcus fucking North as first change bowler. To mystify Aussie cricket fans even more, he bowled North in tandem with the toothless Johnson. Way to release the pressure valve dipshit. It was just inexplicable. North at one end, Johnson at the other, Strauss and Cook thanking their lucky fucking stars. After bowling Hilfy and the Sid out, surely the next best option was Watson. The ball was swinging and the conditions just seemed perfect for a medium pacer. But no, I'll bowl our bullshit part-time spinner, instead of our real spinner, and our only pace bowler who doesn't move the ball at all. Brilliant (i.e. retarded)...

First Test, Day 2 Recap

2010-11-26T22:10:00.003+11:00

After grabbing the ascendency on Day 1, the Aussie batsmen, somewhat predictably, gave it right back to the Poms, despite a solid start by our openers. Hussey, with the assistance of a patient Haddin (?!?), and generous English bowling, has put us back on track for a tidy first innings lead. England would have been sitting down to dinner tonight convinced that the Huss can indeed cut, and can definitely pull as well. It was a cutting and pulling exhibition from the Huss in response to England's awful tactics bowling to him. And we needed it with Punter unforgivably getting caught down legside, Clarke clearly not fit to be playing, and North reverting to his tried and tested way of scoring in single digits. Channel Nine were showing stats today, confirming our middle order woes; our batting averages from 3-6 in the line-up are all well down in the period 2008-2010 in comparison to 2005-2007. And it's very noticeable. The other thing I noticed today was that not only was I bombarded with KFC ads, but the sight-screen was emblazoned with an ad for Chicken McBites...there is no escaping greasy chicken this summer people. Nor is there any escaping a fat, sausage-gobbling, hair-stapled-to-his-head Steven Seagal. Here's some of Seagal's better work, complete with Nordic sub-titles:

"Take a receipt...'cause you just bought some!"

Day 3 recap to follow!

First Test, Day 1 Recap

2010-11-26T00:27:00.004+11:00

Thanks to the power of Foxtel IQ, I've just finished replaying the whole of the first day's play in a mere 2 hours. Great stuff! Peter Siddle with a red ball is the business. Hopefully the selectors never give him a white ball ever again, because you can't take 7 or 8 overs to get in rhythm in an ODI. A couple of fiery Siddle spells has England reeling in the First Test, and that's the way we Aussies like it. Hilfenhaus had an uncharacteristicly wayward sort of day, and Johnson was just extra baggage as usual, but Siddle simply swung Johnson over his shoulder, and carried him on his way to a hat-trick and a 6 wicket haul. If not for some rubbish glovemanship from Haddin, it would have been 7. It's worth re-living the hat-trick moment again, complete with English confusion/referral tomfoolery:

For most guys, a "Birthday hat-trick" means something completely different...or maybe the Sid completed an unprecedented double Birthday hat-trick! Wow, the man's got it all! Respect.

As mentioned before, Hilfy had an off day. But he still contributed something, getting the big early wicket of Strauss. Watson bowled solidly and produced a corker to knock over Trott. The X Factor bowled superbly on a first day pitch, tying down one end with some quality spin bowling. It was good to see him bag a couple of wickets in the end because he was crucial to the overall success of the day's play. Even Punter had a decent day, some good bowling changes and some decent fields for once. I won't get too carried away there because there's a high probability of him doing something stupid to try and get the Poms back in it. That leaves Johnson, who had no impact whatsoever. No consistency, no movement, and no wickets. He was just extra baggage. I hereby officially call for him to sacked. Go back to WA and work on it son. Because there will likely be times in this series when we won't be able to afford having dead weight in the side. I think of how good a Test pace trio of Hilfy, the Sid and the Rhino (aka Ryan Harris) would be and how angry it makes me that I can't have it because of Johnson sending daily photos of himself posing with his Sir Garfield Sobers trophy to the selectors. We can go with a guy who's form for Australia over the last year has been diabolical, or a guy in great form at present...who is called the Rhino...that's a no-fucking-brainer.

Check back in tonight for the Day 2 Recap!

Things That Have Angered Me Since My Last Blog Post

2010-11-07T23:44:00.005+11:00

- Mitchell Johnson.

- After giving Clarke the benefit of the doubt for not bowling Steve Smith in the 1st ODI, who I've got no doubt would've had Malinga skying a catch within two overs, I see Smith named for the 2nd ODI. So clearly, Smith wasn't injured at all as some reports had suggested. And even more clearly, Clarke has no testicles and is every bit as shithouse at captaincy as Punter.

- Mitchell Johnson's tatts. He's got his whole arm inked up but as the guy on Cricinfo said, the only tatts he needs are one on his left arm inked with "line" and one on his right with "length".

- The inexplicable decision to not play Xavier Doherty in the 2nd ODI after his brilliant debut performance in the 1st ODI. I was gobsmacked when I saw Hauritz was replacing him. There is no sane reason for a decision like this and the selectors can go royally fuck themselves for it.

- Johnson, when interviewed during the coverage of the 3rd ODI, saying that he was focusing on bowling really fast and wasn't paying any attention to media reports about his fucking horrendous bowling. How about bowling better instead of fast and actually taking it on board when people are saying you're fucking terrible, because generally criticism comes your way for a reason you fucking douchebag.

- After seeing the batting line-up for the ill-fated 2nd ODI, I did some calculations in my head; I subbed out Cameron White, dropped Brad Haddin down the order to 7, and subbed in Simon Katich and Marcus North...well fuck me, that's our Test batting line-up! That's what you want in an ODI!

- Johnson being comprehensively out-bowled by the relatively inexperienced Clint McKay and debutante Mitchell Starc in the 3rd ODI. McKay picked up a 5-for and Starc bagged 4. In case you're wondering, Watson got the other wicket. In his first match, Starc showed exactly where a left-hander should be consistently bowling. Maybe that's why he had 4 times more wickets in one game than Johnson had in 3 games. And we're backing this guy for the fucking Ashes. Fuck me sideways.

- Finally, bumfuck sports journalist Robert Craddock basically blaming our misfortunes on Dave Warner, Cameron White, Shaun Marsh and James Sutherland's 14 man Cricket Australia team being over-loaded. Boy has this fucktard missed the point. Dave Warner...a T20 specialist. Cameron White...after being highly critical of White over the years, all I remember in recent times is him smashing us out of trouble in the late overs on numerous occasions; in fact, I think the team plan in the short form of the game of late is to pretty much leave it all up to White to smash us to a decent score/victory...Shaun Marsh, has definitely been disappointing, but does he make Johnson bowl bad? Does he make inane selections at the selection table? Does he make the testicle-less calls not to bowl a potential match-winner? Does he neglect to mention how fucking shithouse Johnson is bowling at present?...Sutherland, well, anyone who knows anything about cricket knows that the guy is a complete fucking boob and has no idea how he got his job. But seriously Robert Craddock, if that's your conclusion then you are an even bigger fucktard then I already knew you were. You could've slagged off Ponting, Johnson, the selectors, Hilditch, the regime in general, but you came up with the most fucking off the mark article in the history of cricket. You're shit, and you know you are and you can seriously go fuck yourself...and then do it again...

But Mostly, Fuck Mitchell Johnson

2010-11-05T00:51:00.005+11:00

After the loss in the first ODI, and being subjected to some of the most stupid bowling imaginable...where to begin...okay we'll start here: Fuck you Johnson you piece of shit. And fuck you Michael Clarke for throwing that fucking joker the ball when the game was on the line. Honestly, Clarke/Ponting, what the fuck's the difference? Clarke makes all the same fucked up calls as Ponting does. He just hasn't mastered bringing himself on at the death yet. Seriously, that worked once, and it was all ass rather than class. Johnson and Siddle, as senior bowlers bowling to Malinga and Matthews was just downright unwatchable. I went and tidied the kitchen instead, hoping that when I came back they'd be not bowling anymore. Short, wide, short and wide, legside, every form of a pie-delivery you could think of, they bowled it. It was pretty much business as usual for Johnson. England must have been licking their fucking chops watching that. Siddle seemed to be working on a cunning plan of getting a catch on the boundary off a mistimed hook shot. How about this plan...bowl at or near the fucking stumps and on a length! Hastings wasn't much better but I can forgive him on the grounds he's only played a couple of games. Tim Nielsen describes what he saw: "We kept bowling bouncers that were chest high rather than head high, we bowled a few wides, we bowled a few slower balls that we didn't land properly, and we didn't really do anything out of the ordinary". Yep. Thanks Tim. Now how about you do something about it you giant douchebag. The worst part of it all was that Clarke clearly had no idea what to do. It looked like he was going to break down and cry. Harden the fuck up princess!

But you've got to always look on the bright side. No matter how fucked everything else was, Xavier Doherty was superb. He should be waited on hand and foot by his teammates who fucked him over from the man-of-the-match award in his debut performance...maybe Johnson could give him his Sir Garfield Sobers Trophy, because there's no way he fucking deserves it...

MELBOURNE CUP FORM GUIDE

2010-11-01T23:43:00.000+11:00

Since it became apparent how competitive it is, the theme of this year's Cup has been value. I've backed Linton, Campanologist, Harris Tweed and Holberg at big odds but none of them are my top pick. It's nice being able to outlay a smallish amount for a possible phat payday. We're likely looking at a wet track of some description, dead at best, so that is what we've based this form on. It's the most difficult Cup to pick since I've been interested in racing...so here goes!!!

1. SHOCKING (24) 57 Rodd/Kavanagh

Captain: A good chance to go back-to-back in the big one. All his runs have been super during this campaign, including his 4th in the Caulfield Cup where he only got out late after getting snookered on the rail. He ground away in the Mackinnon like the genuine two-miler that he is. When considering the outside gate that he's drawn, it's worth mentioning that he was 3 wide the trip from gate 21 in winning the '09 Cup. He carries 6kg more this time so he's going to need some luck from out there; another 3-wide/no cover trip will surely be too much. I think he can win again but am prepared to look elsewhere. I backed last year's topweight Viewed and watched him get molested by other runners throughout, and with the big weight it's harder to regather moment. All I know is that Kavanagh will be going completely mental if he hits the front in the straight again...

Professor: Lead up form was pretty good until the last run where he kind of plugged away. I'll be nervous about leaving this out.. but I'm probably going to have to here. 6kg more than last year and a much hotter field.

2. CAMPANOLOGIST (19) 56 McEvoy/Bin Suroor

Captain: I've had to do a lot of research on this guy; he's been barely mentioned leading into the Cup but looks like he definitely deserves to be here. Well-travelled and with consistent form in Group races the world over, he can't be taken lightly. I find it interesting however, that he hasn't raced beyond 2400m...what happened to make Godolphin think that he could run two miles all of a sudden? That is the $3.6 million + trophies question. Winning the '08 Caulfield Cup with All The Good, and picking up second place in the Melbourne Cup last year with Crime Scene, who looked like a Clydesdale when he went around in the Geelong Cup, you need to be respecting Campanologist...which is easy to do when he's at such generous odds...

Professor: Dettori as the durkas number one rider was doing everything in his power to get off this and on to Holberg. That's enough for me. Pass.

3. SO YOU THINK (3) 56 Arnold/JB Cummings

Captain: No doubt the best racehorse in the land, but, despite the Bart factor, there's no way I can have him at $3 for the Cup. Untried beyond the 2040m of the Cox Plate, as much as I am a fan, his price doesn't interest me. Although I think his path to the Cup through the Cox and Mackinnon is perfect for him, as a resident WHAB punter, what am I going to do? Tell you all to plunge on him at the short odds and not win much anyway? It would be irresponsible of me as a WHAB expert punter to overlook the value in this field, and there is plenty of that. Considering that most of the horses in this field are just warming up when they get to 2000m, I just can't have him here even though he is a beast. All that said, I wouldn't be at all disappointed if he won, just really, really poor...and I'm so hoping to avoid spaghetti on toast for dinner Tuesday night...

Professor: Well, $3 at the Cup is just not going to ring any of my bells. Good enough, clearly to be winning this, but this is a deep edition of the Melbourne Cup and I'll be looking for a little value.

4. ZIPPING (16) 55.5 Hall/Hickmott

Captain: Racing in great form but has been in great form before all his many Melbourne Cup 4ths. Has just never quite got a strong two miles and I don't see this year being any different. Heavy consideration required for your First 4 betting though, because he definitely knows how to run 4th in a Cup, especially if you've loaded up on him...I've got a long memory.

Professor: I could buy into this getting up. It's flashed home for fourth when in worse form. I probably won't be on Zipping but this would be no shock.

5. ILLUSTRIOUS BLUE (9) 55 Boss/Knight

Captain: Would have been much more appealing if he had of been named Electric Blue...even more appealing if he had an Iva Davies circa 1987 curly mullet...

I like other internationals more here, and I can't seriously consider him, but if he hits the lead close to the winning post, I'm sure it will be all down to Iva Davies and that absolutely spectacular mullet...

Professor: $61! Yes please. Form around Purple Moon, a second to King of Wands. I'll be having a big chunk of this as 2010s best roughie and advise you do the same.

6. MR MEDICI (5) 55 Beadman/Ho

Captain: The Honkers track-work specialist ran okay in the Caulfield Cup but I think that was his race. I can't really entertain him as a chance over the two miles no matter how much track-work he's done. Okay, maybe if he'd had another 200 or 300 track-work gallops I could see that he might be fit enough to run 3200m. But he just might be those couple of hundred track-work gallops short for the two miles. I wonder how much prizemoney you get for track-work gallops in Honkers? Must be some big money in it. Anyway, I'd like to see this guy next year in the Caulfield Cup on a dry track with lots of track-work under his belt, that's his go, the 2010 Melbourne Cup is not.

Professor: Too many questions. Obviously not a mudlark but handled the Caulfield Cup alright. The big doubt for me is the 3200 and I'll accordingly pass...unless it gets out to something in the 100s. Though $61 is do-able.

7. SHOOT OUT (17) 55 Brown/Wallace

Captain: Shoot Out's Melbourne Cup campaign started way back in July. Why? Only John Wallace knows that. After Saturday's run in the Mackinnon, he heads into the Cup with 7 runs under his belt and I just think the drawn out campaign will prove too much. I hereby nominate Wallace for the Ross McDonald Award: "I have a nice horse so I'm going to try and win everything with him!". Although McDonald would have no doubt thrown in the Caulfield Cup and maybe a Moonee Valley Cup to boot. For sentimental reasons I think it might actually be sadder if he won the Cup; though I'm sure Stathi Katsidis will be cheering on Corey Brown and his mate Shoot Out from above...

Professor: The forgotten horse in this field. Perhaps 3200 is just what the doctor ordered as he's been no match for So You Think over the shorter trips. At $29 I could buy into his stroy if I have an early win on Cup Day. Probably a six on the beer scale.

8. AMERICAIN (12) 54.5 Mosse/de Royer Dupre

Captain: Despite his name, this guy has a case of the Frenchy fag-nasties, but he also has a Geelong Cup under his belt. A more than handy win that was too, lugging 58kg over a trip that on paper appeared to be a bit too short. And Geelong Cup form has a habit of holding up in the Melbourne Cup. I think Monsieur Americain will definitely be in the finish again here, this being a much more suitable trip. From all reports, he doesn't want a bog, but on a dead to slow track he's right in this. His trainer seriously knows his shit, and come Tuesday night it might be French champagne being drunk from the Cup. He's my second elect.

Professor: I like the form of Manighar more. They've gone head to head in a long race before, for a head win to the Frenchy fag nasty. But, there's a 3 kilo swing to the 'ghar here, and the Caulfield Cup run was a bit more impressive to me, as is the $30. I won't be on, but I won't be ruthlessly slopping up anyone who is.

9. TOKAI TRICK (4) 54.5 Fujito/Nonaka

Captain: Good to see the Japanese return for the Cup, here's a musical tribute!

Has seemingly better looking Japanese form than Delta Blues had coming out to Australia...and that finished nicely back in '06. The moral of the story is that Japanese racing is very strong. In the Caulfield Cup he was 4 wide all the way and he is another of these wet track duffers. So all things considered, his form looks a lot better than a lot of these at shorter odds. A live chance at chunky odds, provided it's not too wet on the day. I'll leave him out but a cheeky run wouldn't surprise.

Professor: So I did a few fucking dollars on Jaguar Mail, who ran first in the Tenno Sho. Then a few more on the second and third place getters Meiner Kitz and Meisho Tonkatsu. Not coming, any of them. So the 9th place-getting Tokai Trick is here, and it can go and fuck itself. Sideways.

10. BUCCELLATI (21) 54 King/Noonan

Captain: Fuck right off Noonan. There are some good horses with strong form that have missed out on a Cup start because of this horse with absolutely fucked recent form. His last win was against two other horses and one of them was fucking useless. Hopefully he runs last and it's a lesson to trainers out there that if you import a horse, it not only might turn out to be shithouse, but you'll incur the wrath of the Captain for taking the place of something that actually has some chance in the Cup...

Professor: Will the Canadian form stack up?? This has less chance than Ugly Bob with Celine Dion:

Because You're God-Damn Ugly, Bob!

11. DESCARADO (1) 54 Rawiller/Waterhouse

Captain: The Professor's man-horse love and midnight crooning of Eagles songs aside, his Caulfield Cup win was full of merit. I thought the Tweed was going to win for sure but he just wasn't desperado enough for the Descarado. After watching numerous replays, he had to do a stack of work to get in the leading bunch, and to be able to kick again when challenged like he did was remarkable. I just can't get this scenario out of my mind; from his dream gate, he takes up a nice position just off the leader, he hits the lead from some hapless roughie, let's call him Buccellati, somewhere near the 800m...boy is he going to be hard to run down...loves the wet...is man-horse love catching I wonder?!? He's my top pick.

Professor: "You better let somebody love you"! Our three fans know I won a packet on this guy a couple of weeks ago. I'll be making my most significant investment on this guy, and you know you better (why don't you) come to your senses and do the same.

12. HARRIS TWEED (13) 54 M & B Baker

Captain: If not for a minor colic attack, which just sounds bad, I'd be having a bigger piece of the Tweed after already having a bit of a nibble. Kiwi Murray Baker and his Swedish son Bjorn feel that he's overcome it, and if you're going on his Caulfield Cup run, he's a huge chance. Then, factor in his strong 5th in the Melbourne Cup last year. He should be right in the finish, provided he's fully overcome the effects of that colic attack. Respect.

Professor: Bjorn Baker is pretty excited here:

And I could be after a few beers as well. Just missing my top four on the heavy, nothing from me on the good/dead.

13. MANIGHAR (20) 54 Oliver/Cumani

Captain: A solid Melbourne Cup trial in the Caulfield Cup and you've got to respect the Cumani's:

Yep...respect...

This is one of those runners that I won't be backing, but has me worried. If it wasn't trained by Luca Cumani, I'd not be worried as much, but this guy could be a real knockout result for me...you can't back them all though.

Professor: My newest horse crush. As you'll have read in my talk of Americain, I think this is the better horse at double the quote. Has obviously turned up in good order and as much as I hate Simon O'Donnell, I'll be taking this as my second pick.

14. MASTER O'REILLY (18) 54 Duric/O'Brien

Captain: Has a similar story to Zipping except that it's much worse. Multiple Melbourne Cup 4th place-getter but whereas Zipping is racing well, Master O is not. And he still hasn't won a race since the '07 Caulfield Cup. And after Tuesday, he still won't have won a race since the '07 Caulfield Cup...

Professor: Pass

15. MONACO CONSUL (14) 54 Williams/Moroney

Captain: After a solid 3rd in the Caulfield Cup, I'm still not that interested here. It's a highly competitive Cup in 2010 and I can't see him turning the tables on Descarado or Harris Tweed, plus I like others from other races, plus the Internationals look very good this year. Not a bad horse but not one of my favourites in the field.

Professor: I'll have my pants down if this gets up, because it is certainly a good chance, at the right price and I've completely ignored it. You can't have them all I guess.

16. PROFOUND BEAUTY (22) 54 Smullen/Whingeing Irish Bitch-Man Weld

Captain: At least with this one we haven't had to listen to Dermot Weld whingeing about the track being too hard and that it needs constant watering for 3 weeks before the race. 5th in the Cup in '08, it's runs since then, barring one on a wet track, have been wins or 2nd's. But I just find Weld so god-damn annoying so I'm leaving her out. She's a chance but nearly everything is a chance this year. There's just no way I can bet on a horse trained by a whingeing Irish bitch-man...

Professor: If it starts drying out, I'll be thinking long and hard [he he], about this one. It looks to be going well enough if dry enough.

17. ZAVITE (7) 54 Walker/AJ Cummings

Captain: His run in the Underwood was great. Then his run in the Turnbull was abhorrent. And then his run in the Caulfield Cup was great considering he hates the wet. I actually think he's going pretty well but such is the competitive nature of this year's Cup, I can't have him winning. I've always thought he's just a class below being a Cup place-getter, let alone a winner. A wet track and you'd think he's totally gone, but then I remember another front-running two-miler who hated the wet, Zazzman was his name...and the only two horses to beat him home were the Diva and Vinnie Roe...so I guess you never know...one for the dreamers and big groups of tarts at the track each putting on a dollar each way and holding up the line for half a fucking hour...

Professor: You old sailor! Good luck with this, at the start of the prep it looked like old Zavite could be in the right for another credible 7th and a phat check here. Not now.

18. BAUER (2) 53.5 Munce/Cumani

Captain: Richard Callander said on Sunday morning that if Bauer runs in the top 5, Luca Cumani should get International Trainer of the Year. I totally agree. Missed out by the width of a pubic hair on the '08 Cup but has had problems, and only two runs since. That is no preparation for a Melbourne Cup. And he's possibly the worst horse in the field on a really wet track. And he has a hoof problem apparently. No chance.

Professor: Tell it walking O'Donnell.

Cleo's 1993 4th Sexiest Man On The Planet...And All-Round Smarmy Fucker...

You know, I don't really want to talk about Bauer, just about what a smarmy fucker SOD is. And how he was probably a poor man's Tom Moody. That's right history. And while I am talking about cricket, I was considering how awesome it would be if Ian, rather than Greg Chappell was an Australian selector. And how his first move would be to retrospectively drop Steve Waugh for good in 1991. Take that history, Steve Waugh only played 11 tests and the captain of the Australian cricket team in the late nineties was actually Stuart Law.

19. HOLBERG (10) 53.5 Dettori/Bin Suroor

Captain: The word from the UK experts is that this guy is the best of their runners. And judging by the look on the face of Bin Suroor when attrition did it's job and he snuck in, they're on the money. I had a nibble at $26, and according to Michael Sullivan from Sportingbet, this fella will get backed in a lot shorter than that. Keep him very safe...

Professor: Another one that will be hard to leave out, though I will.

20. PRECEDENCE (15) 53.5 Shinn/JB Cummings

Captain: Doing everything right for a Cup horse, and trained by the ol' smarmy one himself, you'd think he's a big chance here. I, however, remember what happened when he started warm favourite in the Sydney Cup, which is a poor man's Melbourne Cup. Think he's a big risk at the trip in this company. Others appeal a lot more...

Professor: See Holberg -- though I am even more worried.

21. RED RULER (8) 53.5 Du Plessis/Sargent

Captain: With the 24 horse field of the Melbourne Cup, it's nice when you get to a runner that you can simply say.....fuck no.

Professor: I used to back this every start thinking that G Sargent knew something. Turns out G Sargent is a fuckwad.

22. LINTON (23) 52 Prebble/Hickmott

Captain: I backed this guy weeks ago at huge odds, and while initially being disappointed when he didn't win the Lexus, I'm now feeling bullish about his chances again. The disappointment was more to do with him needing to win to guarantee a Cup start rather than his actual performance, but thankfully, attrition has struck again. I've re-watched the Lexus numerous times and Linton finishes off like a two-miler after getting a slop ride by...you guessed it, the Boss-man! He also meets Maluckyday 1.5kg better. On drawing gate 23, after Zipping drew 16, Nick Williams came up with this classic brownie points winner: "Considering my wife drew the barriers, I'd say they're both perfect". That man's gonna see some serious action. A good lightweight chance, and still at generous odds...and doesn't he just remind you a bit of that other big grey bastard from the Lloyd Williams camp...?!?

Professor: I've been spruiking this for months, another that I have taken at a very nice quote, and I'll probably have more on it tomorrow, looks like it will run the trip right out, though I would prefer the track to be good.

23. ONCE WERE WILD (11) 51.5 Cassidy/Waterhouse

Captain: Improved run in the Lexus but it really is hard to see her turning the tables on the first two there. Gai's unorthodox prep for this one makes it hard to line up her form with any certainty, but I'm prepared to say that she's not good enough, and at the very least, she's way under the odds. Pass.

Professor: Has been backed like a good thing today, and I can see the logic here, I think $29 is as short as you'd want, though sometimes you want to get on board with the smart money, especially as Gai might just have something up her sleeve.

24. MALUCKYDAY (6) 51 Nolen/M, W & J Hawkes

Captain: A huge chance if he can back up from the Lexus, but I won't be diving into him at $7.50. As the Hawkes' have said, he's not the finished product, and they had to seriously think about whether they'd actually run him in the Cup. He looks like next year's hot favourite, all being well, but just not representing good value to me this year. That said, I'm scared of what this guy might do if he can cope physically with his meteoric rise. I'm calling it that he either wins or runs nowhere.

Professor: Backed this on Saturday morning at the fuck you price of $81. Very excited. Can win. Would love it to be no worse than slow, just quietly.

FINAL SELECTIONS

Captain: Boxing these...

1. Descarado
2. Americain
3. Linton
4. Holberg
5. Shocking
6. Harris Tweed

So that should be a juicy first 4 there with any luck! If any of these other than Shocking get up I'll be profiting handsomely on the day, or in the case of Linton, I'll be blowing off some serious steam!

Professor: My top four on dead/slow: Maluckyday, Linton, Manighar and Profound Beauty.

On the Slow/Heavy: Descarado, Manighar, Linton, Harris Tweed..

Two good roughies: Once were Wild and Illustrious Blue

I'm concerned about Shoot Out and I'll probably include it!

Always fun to bring this Cup guide to our legions of fans but with Race 1 at the ungodly time of 9:20am Brisbane time, I'm off to catch some z's! Happy punting!

MELBOURNE CUP FORM GUIDE

2010-11-01T08:36:00.000+11:00

Will be up tonight!!!

Professor Nails Caulfield Cup, Descarado...

2010-10-18T00:42:00.002+11:00

In honour of the Professor bagging the Caulfield Cup winner (literally), here's a musical tribute from WHAB FM:

Descarado, why don't you come to your senses
You've been out ridin' fences,
for so long - now.
Ohh you're a hard one.
I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin'you
Can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table.
But you only want the ones
That you can't get.

Descarado,
Ohhhh you aint getting no younger.
Your pain and your hunger,
They're driving you home.
And freedom, ohh freedom.
Well that's just some people talking.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun will shine.
It's hard to tell the night time from the day.
And you're losing all your highs and lows
aint it funny how the feeling goes
away...

Descarado,
Why don't you come to your senses?
come down from your fences, open the gate.
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you.
You better let somebody love you.
(let sombody love you)
You better let somebody love you...ohhh..hooo
before it's too..oooo.. late.

Caulfield Cup Late Mail

2010-10-16T00:38:00.003+11:00

Okay, the Professor has gone missing in action. Have heard nothing from him for well over 24 hours, which is unprecedented leading into a Caulfield Cup. Hope he's okay and is found under a table in some Irish bar, that would be a great relief. We must push on without him people. Heavy track for the Caulfield Cup...heavy tracks in Group 1's are anyone's guess....here's my guess:

1. Mr Medici
2. Shocking
3. Alcopop
4. Triple Honour
5. Harris Tweed

If any combination of the above runs in the first three or four, I'll be blowing off some steam. I've gone for value in Mr Medici who has gun Honkers form and wet form. Shocking is just a great racehorse in any conditions. The 'Pop, I'm not too sure about in heavy going, think he'll handle it but others might get through it better. The Tweed and Triple Honour add value to my exotics. More than happy to leave Bart's mares out of this given the wet track. Happy punting people, let me know if you come across the Professor...

Caulfield Cup Form Guide

2010-10-13T00:42:00.013+11:00

Due to technical difficulties, The Professor will add his thoughts to this piece sometime this afternoon. He says that he apologises for any inconvenience but really couldn't give a shit edgeways! Final selections will be up this evening as we are sick of posting them early without proper research or knowledge of track conditions, and us looking like ass-clowns, so tune in Friday night/Saturday morning for the late mail!

1. SHOCKING (12) 57 Rodd/Kavanagh

Captain: Looking to do what the late Viewed did last year and no reason why he can't. All his runs this time in have been strong and he can win regardless of the tempo of the race. I doubt Mark Kavanagh will be looking as shocked as this if his charge gets up on Saturday:

But you know he'll be going totally nuts either way. One of your top chances, the people's jockey aboard, a must for multiples.

2. METAL BENDER (2) 56 Bowman/Waller

Captain: If there's one thing I've noticed about the Bender, it's that he pops up along the rails every time he wins a big race. Drawn ideally to do just that here and his last run was nice when racing back near the tail. My opinion is that he's poorly weighted despite the fact he's won three Group 1 races; they were the Randwick and Rosehill Guineas for 3.y.o's and the Doomben Cup, which is hardly on par with any of the Spring Group 1's. Getting only 1kg less than a Melbourne Cup winner here and there has to be some query at the trip. One gets the feeling that he may not have been a Caulfield Cup starter if not for a certain beast called So You Think looming large over the Cox Plate. A chance, but at $6, I'm looking elsewhere for the winner.

3. MR MEDICI (16) 55 Mosse/Ho

Captain: Think this one is over the odds by virtue of the fact that he hasn't run since May. Worth noting that he's had a thousand track gallops since then though and his Hong Kong form is terrific. If he can beat home Viva Pataca three times in a row then he certainly has the ability to win a Caulfield Cup. The $21 is great value, and will add some phat-ness to your first four.

4. TOKAI TRICK (21) 54.5 Fujita/Nonaka

Captain: Japanese plugger who is probably better suited at two miles. Won't be drawing a line through a Japanese visitor pretty much ever but I'm not liking this guy's story nearly as much as his predecessors Delta Blues, Pop Rock and Eye Popper. Wide gate no help, prefer to see first, and think he'll be just getting warmed up in the final furlong.

5. BUCCELLATI (17) 54 King/Noonan

Captain: Doesn't appear to be good enough/doing enough to win a Caulfield Cup. His last win was in a field of 3 and I could have beaten one of them home for 3rd. It looks like his best form was in 2008. Noonan probably spent a fortune buying and importing this horse but I for one will not shed a tear if it proves to be a total waste of money. Pass.

6. HARRIS TWEED (9) 54 B Rawiller/M & B Baker

Captain: Trained by Kiwi Murray Baker along with his Swedish son Bjorn, the Tweed is not without a chance. Pouring through his form, his last 9 runs are all good. Book-ending those was a solid 5th in the Melbourne Cup last year and a last start win in the Bart Cummings as topweight. At $31, I'm inclined to throw him in for some value.

7. MANIGHAR (3) 54 Oliver/Cumani

Captain: Another okay looking UK grundler, maybe it's just an excuse for Francesca to come back Downunder:

Fair enough then...

Cumani's horses are always brought out here with the Melbourne Cup in mind. The Caulfield Cup is not much more than a warm-up for this guy so my advice is to enjoy Francesca and leave him well alone.

8. MASTER O'REILLY (10) 54 Dunn/O'Brien

Captain: Ol' Master O, lining up for his 4th Caulfield Cup, is looking a bit long in the tooth this time in. Won this race at his first go in 2007 but he hasn't won a race since. He won't be winning this. He will probably be finishing off nicely late and it will look like a super Melbourne Cup trial but don't be fooled. Save your cash, because he will probably run 4th in the Melbourne Cup again. Not that I'm bitter at all...

9. MONACO CONSUL (15) 54 Williams/Moroney

Captain: Strangely, this fella's form seems to be getting worse as the distances of his races increases this time in. I can't see his form being anywhere near good enough to be winning this. My other knock is that I think last year's Derby was lacking in quality. The only other horse out of it that I rate is Viking Legend who I would argue is not a true stayer. No thank you.

10. TRIPLE HONOUR (11) 54 L Cassidy/Waller

Captain: Although not tested at the trip, and being a Doncaster mile winner, I actually think he stays these days. His only run beyond 2000m was a dominant win over 2200m during the Brisbane Winter Carnival. This is a big step up from that but his recent form is okay and he is far from the worst here. While I doubt that he'll win, the $26 interests me for my exotics.

11. ZAVITE (19) 54 Melham/AJ Cummings

Captain: One thing's for sure, with gate 19, he's going to have to roll to the front. He'll likely have to do a lot of work early to get there and that ends any slim chance he had of winning. Rival trainers have been talking fondly of Zavite setting a 'torrid' tempo; lately he seems to have been ridden deeper in the field. Hopefully it's the Zavite of old sorting out the contenders and pretenders and giving the swoopers every chance. As for him, he can't win from out there.

12. ALCOPOP (22) 53.5 Zahra/Stephens

Captain: Nicely weighted and ran a pretty hot final sectional last weekend behind the Beast. Definitely has the ability, I think enough ability to overcome the wide gate. Making him my top pick and hopefully I'll be popping plenty of alco-bevvies on Saturday afternoon/evening/night/Sunday morning if he gets up!

13. HERCULIAN PRINCE (6) 53.5 Schofield/Waterhouse

Captain: Under the odds after beating a couple of old-time hacks in the Metropolitan. Waterhouse horses for some ungodly reason are always massively under the odds when they run in Melbourne, and considering Gai's strike rate down there, it's just laughable. The best horse this guy has beaten is an emergency here in Mourayan and the second best is No Wine No Song. You want to talk $6.50 with me? You're going to need some better credentials than that. Oh wait, he knocked over Stormhill as well...look out!

14. ZABRASIVE (13) 53 Newitt/O'Shea

Captain: Why is the Randwick Guineas rated so highly when handicapping a Caulfield Cup? It's a 3.y.o mile race. I don't get it. Just not doing enough for mine and after not winning a share of him in the Win Zabrasive competition, I've completely lost interest in him.

15. DESCARADO (18) 52.5 Munce/Waterhouse

Captain: Descarado,
Why don't you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you. (let somebody love you) You better let somebody love you...ohhh..hooo before it's too..oooo.. late. The Professor croons himself to sleep with that. Loves his Descarado, but can even he love him enough to forgive that shocking last run?!? Sure he can. I, on the other hand, cannot. A cheeky run up on the speed wouldn't surprise, and he did score a nice win over Triple Honour two starts back, but his Melbourne debut was terrible. He's all yours Professor!

16. JESSICABEEL (20) 52.5 Winks/O'Shea

Captain: Out to a more suitable trip here but I doubt she has the class to win a race of this magnitude. Two miles might be more her go. As a form guide might say, 'cannot enthuse'...

17. FAINT PERFUME (7) 52 Boss/B Cummings

Captain: Her form leaves you wondering if she is as good as everybody thought when she won the VRC Oaks. But it's just passable enough to make you wonder if ol' smarmy Bart has something up his sleeve. She can't be taken lightly, even the Professor is taking her seriously despite the Boss/Bart combination which he once described to me as being 'pure racing evil'.

The Professor's worst nightmare...

18. DARIANA (8) 51.5 Nolen/B Cummings

Captain: Can't forget how she smashed the boys in the QLD Derby, and QLD form is the business these days. There's the Bart factor as well and also the 51.5kg featherweight. Her last run was a bit below par but I think she comes into her own over this trip. Still running over that QLD Derby in my head...a big chance.

19. 1st em MOURAYAN (5) 53.5 Hall/Hickmott

Captain: Doesn't seem to have brought his UK form with him and getting smashed by Herculian Prince is hardly an ideal lead-up. I'm going to say no on principle anyway because I abhor connections of imported stayers.

20. 2nd em RED RULER (1) 53.5 Du Plessis/Sargent

Captain: He likely won't get a start and it's getting very late, so that's about all I've got for the Ruler...

21. 3rd em DRUNKEN SAILOR (4) ?/Cumani

Captain: Altogether now!

What'll we do with a drunken sailor,
What'll we do with a drunken sailor,
What'll we do with a drunken sailor,
Earl-aye in the morning?

Chorus:
Way hay and up she rises (x3)
Earl-aye in the morning

1. Put him in the long boat till he's sober,
2. Keep him there and make 'im bale 'er.
3. Shave his belly with a rusty razor.
4. Put him in bed with the captain's daughter.

Probably won't get a start.

22. 4th em VALDEMORO (14) 50 Maskiell/Vasil

Captain: All I can think about when I hear this horse's name is when my missus dragged me along to a movie with this ugly bastard in it:

Her form stacks up for a Caulfield Cup about as good as this guy looks, which is freaking awful.

Tune in for our final selections...

How Predictable

2010-10-11T19:51:00.006+11:00

It's funny how a guy does absolutely nothing of importance for a couple of years until a grilling from WHAB fires him up. After being the subject of much ire in a recent post here on WHAB, Marcus North finally pulled his finger out. Now, this better not be a one-off, flash-in-the-pan champ. I'll still be keeping an eagle eye on you, particularly bearing in mind that the pitch was just about friendly enough for me to knock around a half century...Anyway, the power of WHAB seems to be at work again; it wasn't too long ago that we were giving Shane Watson a royal tongue-lashing here and look at him now! He's our best player!

To more serious matters now, in a message for Sreesanth; you are nowhere near good enough nor fast enough to wear a head-band while bowling. You are an ass-clown. Harbhajan should bitch-slap you again, much harder this time.

The main point of this piece is that our illustrious leader is staring into the face of another series loss. Despite a superb piece of captaincy, throwing Michael Clarke the ball, and bringing in long-on for a wicket the next ball. Great stuff, cutting India down to just 5/411. What a cricketing genius he is, having the foresight of knowing that Raina would play a crap shot and hit the ball straight to long-on, as India are left teetering at 5/435 at stumps.

There's just one more series to go...the final frontier begins November 25.....

Musings/Rantings

2010-10-06T23:23:00.005+11:00

After suffering through a Grand Final loss featuring Tony fucking Archer and pouring rain, two things that the Roosters are allergic to, my attentions turn now to cricket I guess. I'm not sure what else to do with myself to be honest, after a massively boozy, yet ultimately disappointing extended weekend. So cricket it is, and arriving home I got to watch the tail end of Ricky Ponting captaining the Aussies to another Test loss...and with some cricketing mastermind coming up with the Two Test series, it could well be another Test Series loss for Punter. The thing that annoyed me the most was Mitchell Johnson somehow managing to take 5 wickets in the first innings. I'm sure Punter thought that was all well and good, but watching him bowl leg-side pies to try and close out the match was a bit hard to cop. I honestly have no idea how that guy won an ICC Cricketer of the Year award. Was every other cricketer in the world just absolute rubbish that year?!? Surely there was someone who at least had an alright year...maybe every batsmen facing Johnson that year got cut-shot-from-a-wide-one-and-caught-at-point happy. It's the biggest mystery of the sporting world for mine. Actually, it's the second biggest. The biggest is why you'd even bother to select Nathan Hauritz if you're just going to bowl Marcus North at the business end of the match. Maybe it was just Punter's way of trying to justify a guy being in the team who's been clogging up the No. 6 spot in the order with meaningless knocks for a couple of years. Seriously, how the fuck is Marcus North still in this team? Don't we have the best domestic competition in the world? Is there no-one else? Do we have to settle for such mediocrity these days? Apparently so. If you're going with North as your off-spinner then how about picking another batsmen to compensate for the huge hole that's at No. 6.

The other big news in cricket is the introduction of a new one-day format, seemingly devised by James Sutherland. I've generally found that when Sutherland has anything to do with anything, it gives me the shits. But anyway, the new Ryobi One Day Cup has split innings and is like a "mini-Test match". I boycotted the first match because it sounds as stupid and not properly researched as everything else that James Sutherland has ever been linked with. You can re-invigorate the game all you want, but in the end, cricket is simply ball vs bat in any form of the game. If you really want the crowds to come back to the one-day matches, here's a free tip pal; let the people have a bit of fun. And by fun, I don't mean sitting silently and motionless, drinking light beers all day and not building cup-snakes. That's not fun you clown and that's why no-one goes. Seriously, cricket in this country would be the only sport in the world to ban the Mexican Wave...

The Second Test vs India starts this weekend, let's see if Punter can bag a 2-0 loss to prepare for his final frontier...a possible home Ashes series loss.

NRL GRAND FINAL!!!

2010-09-30T22:40:00.003+10:00

If someone had of told me that my Roosters were going to make the Grand Final after being smashed 42-18 by the Sharks in Round 13, well, I would have just slapped them for being silly. And then slapped them again for good measure. But here we are! Looking to go from last to first in a year! It feels like destiny...after all, if the Tigers had of won a simple scrum, just like they'd done 100 times this year, then we wouldn't be running out onto ANZ Stadium this Sunday evening. And just the fact that we get one last crack at the Dragons, it seems like it was meant to be. The first meeting this year, they smashed us. The second meeting was close, and I take heart from that considering the Roosters were pretty awful that day. We've not only improved but learnt the art of patience since, and that's why I'm more than happy to be having one last crack at the boring George.

Wayne Bennett has never lost an ARL/NRL Grand Final as coach. Brian Smith has lost plenty. Funnily enough, this makes me feel even more that it's meant to be. Carney making the smooth transition from drunken fool to Dally M medallist. It just seems like it's all meant to be for some reason. And, if not, well we're looking pretty good for next year aren't we?!?

I would have loved to write a more lengthy, alcohol-inspired piece on the match but time is short for the Captain. It's probably not necessary anyway, as I'm sure it's clear where my allegiances lie! I'll be at ANZ Stadium to witness the game on Sunday after a complimentary lunch featuring free booze (!), so win or lose, I'll be having a great day and will continue proceedings long into the night at the Roosters Leagues Club!

BRING IT HOME ROOSTERS!!!!!!!!!!

2010 AFL GRAND FINAL II: ANOTHER CASE OF THE COLLI-WOBBLES?

2010-09-27T22:46:00.007+10:00

A couple of times during the original 2010 Grand Final, Collingwood seemed like they were going to completely run away with it. The Year of the Bogan looked inevitable. And then, it happened again. They got the Colli-wobbles. Enter Travis Choke. Amazingly, the closer that guy gets to goal, the more likely he is to miss. He had the opportunity to put the Saints away, but as usual, he choked. Nevertheless, the 'Pies still had a comfortable 4 goal lead...until the rest of his team-mates cracked as well when put under pressure by a Saints team who remembered how much it hurt to lose last year's Grand Final. And now the 'Pies have to do it all again this week knowing they should have put it away last week. Which gives the Saints an even bigger shot at glory.

The best part of the whole deal was definitely this:

Eddie trying to hold back the tears...

The worst part is our old mate JB has no foresight and locked in his wedding for this Saturday! 2010 Grand Final Part I was always likely to be a draw, but he booked it in anyway! Not only am I going to miss the sequel, but I'm also going to suffer big time on my 8 a.m. flight to Sydney after a thousand beers at the reception! Surely the man knew that there was going to be a replay and the mighty Roosters were going to bundle out his Titans in the NRL?!?

Anyways, I hope when I finally watch the replay some time next week that it's more of the same; the 'Pies seemingly have it in the bag and the bogans are going wild...the Saints launch a spirited comeback...the 'Pies get the Colli-wobbles again...Travis Choke starts spraying them all over the place...Brendon Goddard soars high...and another heart-stopping finish featuring the ever-professional Eddie McGuire completely losing control and going berserk at the umpires again!

AFL GF/ NRL Preliminary Finals!

2010-09-22T00:03:00.012+10:00

COLLINGWOOD vs ST KILDA

The last appearance of Collingwood in a Grand Final, where they got smashed by the Lions, was at a time when there were hardly any 50m penalties, you had to have some control of the ball to be awarded a mark, and if someone put their head over the ball, you bumped the living shit out of them and didn't get rubbed out for 6 weeks. Sounds like ages ago but it's only been 7 years! I was watching the replay of that match recently and it was astounding how much more the game made sense, even just 7 short years ago. Amazing how officialdom can do so much to fuck the game up in such a relatively short space of time...but I digress...The last time the 'Pies actually won a flag was when there was no "prior opportunity" bullshit. You got tackled with the ball, stiff shit! And this guy with this rad hair was the business:

Almost a mullet to rival that of Iva Davies in the 'Electric Blue' video clip...almost...

A long time ago that was, but the last time the Saints won, I was years from even being born. It's been a long time between drinks for both sides and I can see the Saints coming out fired up for this one after last year's narrow GF loss to the Cats. Collingwood were amazingly good against Geelong in the preliminary final and the Saints will need to bring the form that they showed against the Cats in Week 1 of the finals to have any chance. I expect that they will, which sets up a potential classic. The 'Pies have an advantage in that they have numerous guys who can kick multiple goals, whereas the Saints rely so much on Riewoldt and Koschitzke, who can both completely lose the radar sometimes. Dane Swan will no doubt have a big game and is my pick for the Norm Smith medal. If he had of played for a team where he was easily the best player, a'la Chris Judd at Carlton, than he would have won the Brownlow by 20 votes. Anyway, the Norm Smith is just as good, if not even more meaningful. The Saints are great value at $3, but I'm going to have to reluctantly tip the 'Pies...they just destroyed Geelong last week. I think this will be a lot closer but that their tackling pressure and run will ultimately prove too much for the Saints. None of us want to see it people, but prepare yourself for the Year Of The Bogan!

TITANS vs ROOSTERS

If your team gets through to a Preliminary Final and awaiting them is the Gold Coast, well you can certainly live with that. The Titans rarely blow teams away and usually give teams enough chances to beat them. I don't think that "home advantage" will be much of a factor for the Titans, considering that when I went to see my Roosters boys play them at Skilled Park during the regular season, there were more Roosters fans than Titans fans. Just how many of them will make the trip up? Hopefully they all couldn't be assed 'cause they're goin' for a surf in the mornin'. There'll likely be many Broncos fans there cheering on the Titans, but no dramas there; the Chooks are 3/3 in QLD this year and have played well in most away games this season. Those of you who are going for the Gold Coast, just think how boring a Grand Final between the Titans and the Dragons could potentially be! Oh the humanity! Tipping my Roosters obviously, I'll be there at Suncorp, sitting with all the Roosters nuts like this guy:

A crazy from the Chookpen...

Hopefully, late Friday night I'll be booking flights and accomodation for the big one!

DRAGONS vs TIGERS

Here's how I see this unfolding...Dragons dominate posession early and after numerous back to back sets, Soward takes an early two points through a penalty. About five minutes later he slots another. The Tigers get some ball but can't find a way through like they did early against the Roosters and Raiders. They take a shot at goal just to slow things down and give their forwards a breather. Dragons get more ball and another penalty and Soward points to the sticks. On 32 mins, the Dragons score through Gasnier, prompting loud cries of "Cooking with Gaz" from their ultra-creative fans...

It took this guy three years to come up with this corker...

Soward kicks the goal, or maybe he misses, it doesn't really matter. Dragons lead 10/12 -2 at the half. Second half, and if you thought the Tigers looked tired at the back end of the game against the Raiders, you should see them now. The Dragons are turning the screws, another penalty goal and the Tigers are teetering. Marshall starts trying too hard, and you're thinking that if the Dragons can slot yet another penalty, she's all over. They do. And that 5th or 6th or however many penalty goals it is now that they've kicked breaks the backs of the Tigers. Dragons then finish them off with a couple of late tries.

Just can't see the Tigers winning this. Against any other team, I'd give them a big chance but the Dragons defensive, clinical and effective, yet ultimately boring game plan is simply against them here. The St. George-Illawarra-Steeler-Dragons will grind them down early, and when they sense the weariness creeping into their opposition, they'll go for the jugular and join the Roosters in the Grand Final!

FOOTY FINALS!

2010-09-13T21:53:00.010+10:00

After a five-star luxury enforced hiatus, the Captain is back on WHAB for the rest of the glorious month that is September! There's already been some cracking games of footy and hopefully there'll be a few more...sudden death all the way now, so let's have a look at the AFL Preliminary Finals and the NRL Elimination Finals...

'PIES vs CATS

Everyone seems to be crapping on that this is the real Grand Final but the fact is, the Saints have already pissed all over that idea. This is a tough one to pick...I tossed a coin on it but the coin seems to have vanished:

We know that Collingwood can definitely beat Geelong but with the Minor Premiership under their belts, and with the burden of Collingwood bogans the land over talking Premiership between their rolly-smoker-stained gap-teeth, the pressure is all on the 'Pies. The Cats have been there and done that so we can expect them to be settled early on. We don't quite know what we're going to get from the Collingwood players; will they come out firing or will they be thinking about how long it's been since they won a Premiership and what a wasted opportunity this would be? I am going to tip the 'Pies on the basis that they'll start well, that the Cats will hang around for much of the game, with Collingwood finishing them off in another big last quarter. Pretty much like the last time they played. I just don't like the fact that Geelong tuned up for their biggest match of the year against a timid and awe-struck Dockers. Seriously, I stopped watching that game after 5 minutes, such was it's sheer pointlessness. So Collingwood to go through to another Grand Final...

SAINTS vs BULLDOGS

The Dogs actually showed some fight last week in front of Julia Gillard (their no. 1 ticketholder) after looking like they were going to limp out of the finals yet again. Perhaps they've turned it around...but St. Kilda for much of the game against Geelong looked fantastic, as good as they looked last year. Riewoldt is starting to look very menacing and the delivery to their forward line in the first half especially of that game was superb. The Dogs will not be able to handle the Saints if they find that sort of form despite having the Prime Minister in the crowd with a Bulldogs scarf on:

We'll see plenty of Julia Gillard during the coverage, maybe even a bit of Barry Hall. I think Riewoldt is playing too...but Julia Gillard is a huge Bulldogs fan in case you didn't know...

Their only hope is that the bad Saints turn up, like they did numerous times during an inconsistent regular season. I have to go with St. Kilda, and if the Dogs are slow out of the stalls, it will be by plenty. Julia Gillard will be there, don't worry, you won't miss her, the cameras will find her...

RAIDERS vs TIGERS

The Green Machine just keeps rolling on with 9 wins out of their last 10, and now a home final against a likely demoralised Tigers. Positive momentum at this time of year is hard to stop, and negative momentum is even harder to turn around. If Benji Marshall doesn't play, the Tigers are a goner; when he went out of the game last week, there was just too much pressure on young halfback Robert Lui. Even if he plays, it may not be enough to stop the Raiders juggernaut which is clicking on all facets of the game at the moment. Shillington and Learoyd-Lahrs have been absolute monsters up the middle of late, Campese has been a composed/clever/cranky/clinical captain at five eighth, and Josh Dugan, give that man an Origin jersey next year...or I suppose you could give it to Kurt Gidley instead.....fucking 'tards...But next year's possible Origin selection balls-ups to one side, last week's game between the Roosters and Tigers was just an epic battle. The high of winning a game like that can spur a team on past any possible tiredness factor...but losing a game like that couldn't be more deflating. I expect the Tigers to put up a brave fight early but you've just got to go the Raiders here:

They're just so hot right now...

ROOSTERS vs PANTHERS

Much more than that, this is the Captain's Roosters vs the Professor's Panthers! At 15-14 to the Tigers, 20 odd seconds on the clock and a Wests Tigers scrum feed, I was a shattered man last Saturday. Sensing a Raiders upset of the Panthers, I feared the worst. Here's what I was thinking: "Fuck. Season over. Sure they'll be a good chance next year, but you never know for sure when you'll get another shot. Fuck! But wait...what's this?!? A scrum against the feed?!? WTF?!?! Surely the ref will call this back. Real scrums aren't allowed anymore. He's letting it go??? He's letting it go!!! Set up for the field goal! No time...snap it! Fucking snap it! YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!". And so it was, after showing that we're totally incapable of setting up properly for a field goal in extra time, the Miracle At The SFS was completed with an SK-D intercept and I went off! Now instead of Mad Monday, the boys have a home final against a Panthers team who've struggled for consistent form of late. They do however welcome back Civoniceva and he will make a huge difference. Without big Petero they look somewhat lost...when he's on the field the Panthers seem calmer and more organised. The Roosters will also have to cope with the after-effects of the 100 min marathon which was the Miracle At The SFS. I just think that the euphoria of last week will spur the Roosters on to bigger things, like a Preliminary Final against the Titans. The Panthers are a chance with such a dangerous attack, but defensively they've been pretty sloppy over the last 8 weeks or so. The Roosters defense was monumental against the Tigers. The biggest factor of all at this time of year is momentum. The Roosters have it. Roosters win.

The Miracle At The SFS...

AFL Finals - Week 1 Preview

2010-08-29T13:19:00.012+10:00

GEELONG VS ST. KILDA

A replay of last year's Grand Final but in 2010, both these sides have been far less dominant than in '09. They've both lost to teams that last year they would have pummeled unmercifully. St. Kilda have at times looked fantastic, yet at other times looked downright awful. The same can be said of Geelong though they have been a bit more consistent than the Saints. Both also played meaningless games last weekend, and played them accordingly, which is less than ideal heading into the finals. I think St. Kilda are a chance here but I'll stick with Geelong, simply because they've been a bit more consistent. Cats under 39.5.

FREMANTLE VS HAWTHORN

It's hard to believe that when they met two weeks ago the Hawks snuck in by 116 points! Freo, other than resting about 20 players, had no excuses. This should obviously be a lot closer, but the Hawks look like the team who are more likely to go deep into September. The Dockers had a great start to the season but as 2010 has worn on, they have had a bit of a busted ass look about them. Last week they fell over the line against Carlton, who also look like busted asses at the minute, and that will not be good enough against Hawthorn. Home advantage is huge however, huge like the giant penis', complete with giant balls, that stand proudly atop of the Subiaco grandstands when the Dockers are in town:

They remind me of this classic scene:

Hawks to knock over the Johnsons by under 39.5.

COLLINGWOOD VS WESTERN BULLDOGS

It's the battle of the 'chokers' here with both sides year after year in recent times looking like contenders for the flag only to strangle themselves come finals time. After the 'Pies couldn't beat a walking wounded Lions outfit in the 2002 GF, they subsequently fell apart in the 2003 GF as the Lions dished out an absolute mauling. This really has no relevance whatsoever to this game but I just love reminding Collingwood fans about those two wonderful Grand Finals. Happy days...anyway, I think the 'Pies will prevail in this one, cheered on by their legions of bogans:

It's hard to reason with a mulleted Collingwood bogan. He seems to have forgotten all the times his own team has choked in finals...or maybe he hasn't...

The Bulldogs have smashed most of the teams below them on the ladder but against the other top four sides, were beaten twice by Collingwood, lost to St. Kilda and got reamed by Geelong to the tune of 101 points. Their recent form is shite with the Geelong hammering, another flogging at the hands of Sydney and a gift-wrapped win over an utterly lifeless Essendon outfit. Barry Hall has been a great addition to the team but as a whole in 2010, they have not convinced anyone that they are Premiership material. Collingwood are coming off a loss to a pretty good team (Hawthorn), at the right time. That should have them re-focused to comfortably account for the 'Dogs, let's say under 39.5, on the grounds that it could be tight early on.

SYDNEY VS CARLTON

Most years, this Carlton side wouldn't have made the finals. They benefited greatly from the eight teams below them being somewhere between pretty ordinary/horribly inconsistent to absolute rubbish/completely uninterested in competing. Fresh off a losing road trip to Perth, it's hard to entertain the idea of them beating a very much in-form Swans side. I'll back the Swans to go right on with this, over 39.5, leaving Carlton to sing the Busted-Ass Blues.

Assclown Of The Week

2010-08-16T22:46:00.005+10:00

Surprise, surprise, it's another NRL ref! A video ref actually, with a touch of Hollywood:

Gladiators READY! When Hollywood Harrigan could be taken more seriously than his current role of NRL video ref...

You could take vision of Mark Gasnier scoring a "try" last night against Manly, and show it to kids as an example of a classic knock-on. Or then again, if you're Billy Harrigan and have gone completely fucking senile, you could award a Try - Benefit Of The Doubt! You could go either way on it I guess...but I'm with Greg Alexander who blew a gasket in his frustration. Alexander was convinced a Dragons fan had hijacked the video ref's box. It was refreshing to hear a commentator just totally lose it like that, even better when Warren Smith starting blowing steam about what a fucking disgrace the video refs have been in 2010 and gobbing off about how they'll try and defend the decision. Amazingly, Harrigan, in his senility, got on the front foot even before Robert Finch; “It was benefit of the doubt, there was no separation,” Harrigan said. “The ball was put down short of the line then rolled onto it.”

You be the judge...

Bill Hollywood Harrigan, you are Assclown Of The Week!

Assclown Of The Week

2010-08-08T12:30:00.003+10:00

Goes to:

Steve "Tedro" Lyons

STL: *Tweet* "James Moloney, offside!"

JM: "But I was the kicker!"

Not as ass-clownish as this one, my all-time favourite featuring Shayne Hayne and former Bulldog Shane Marteene:

SH: "Right, Shane come here please..."

SM: "Yes sir?????????"

SH: "Look mate, you've got him around the head there, you've got to keep 'em down."

SM: "But I was the one that got tackled!"

SH: "Look, that's alright, just keep 'em down okay!"

But nonetheless, Steve "Tedro" Lyons, you are Assclown Of The Week!

Ponting Calls On Barmy Army For His Final Frontier

2010-07-21T18:01:00.005+10:00

Not content with inexplicably losing back to back Ashes Tours, Ricky Ponting has now set his sights on losing the Ashes on home soil. To help him complete what most cricket fans would call Mission Impossible, our fearless leader is calling on the Barmy Army. With Ponting refusing to talk to WHAB these days, I posed as a Cricinfo journalist in an attempt to unveil his masterplan.

"Cricinfo": Thanks for joining us Ricky. It's always a pleasure to talk to you here at "Cricinfo".

Ponting: Well it sure beats talking to those deadshits at WHAB. I fucking hate those guys!

"Cricinfo": Whoa there champ! You might be able to talk with a potty mouth to WHAB but not here at the esteemed "Cricinfo.com"!

Ponting: Sorry about that. Those guys just get under my skin, like a substitute fieldsman running me out.

"Cricinfo": Now Ricky, I hear you are imploring the Barmy Army to make the trip Downunder en masse. What's your thinking there?

Ponting: Well it will just make it that bit harder for us to beat what looms as another all-time great English team. I love a challenge. Plus, they have trumpets and sing songs.

"Cricinfo": Some may say that you don't need to make it harder on yourselves after back to back Ashes Tour losses, plus the losses of Warne, McGrath, Hayden etc...and you do know those songs are generally about you, don't you?

Ponting: We are up for the challenge. Sure we'll be underdogs but...

"Cricinfo": Underdogs?!?!

Ponting: Well of course we'll be underdogs, England are easily the best side in the world at present. That's why we keep losing the Ashes. But I repeat, I am up for the challenge.

"Cricinfo": Have you heard of the phrase "there's no I in team"?

Ponting: Hey, you did say Cricinfo right? You're starting to sound like those fuc...I mean assho...those idiots from WHAB...

"Cricinfo": Settle...we are definitely from "Cricinfo". You can trust us. Now, so you really want the Barmy Army turning up in droves?

Ponting: Yes, it will just provide a great atmosphere if they can fill all the seats that the people having a few beers/building cup-snakes/starting Mexican Waves/drinking Scotch out of "Bar-noculars"/heckling Kevin Pietersen/having a "fun" day out at the cricket used to fill. Thankfully we've got rid of those bad apples and going to the cricket is much more enjoyable for families now, even if the grounds are only half full.

"Cricinfo": It doesn't concern you that you'd be losing your home ground advantage?

Ponting: Not really. I think I speak for all the boys when I say that playing in front of thousands of Poms brings out the best in us.

"Cricinfo": Aha. So you guys didn't feel the pressure when the Barmy Army mocked you for every rash shot, dropped catch, wayward delivery, poor piece of fielding and rubbish decision in England?

Ponting: No, I think we played pretty well with a young and inexperienced team, against one of the best English sides ever.

"Cricinfo": Right that's it! I can't deal with this shit! How could you not know that this team sucks when the Barmy Army sings songs about them? You were fucking there! You captained that shit! And badly!

Ponting: What the...?

WHAB: Yeah that's right, it's not Cricinfo, it's WHAB! Gotcha sucker! And the more Poms in the crowd, the more we fucking suck! And the more fucked decisions you make! And now we're so bad we can only manage 88 in an innings against Pakistan and you want more Poms in the crowd? Are you fucking nuts?!?

Ponting: Why you fucker!

WHAB: That's all I need pal, I'm outta here!

Ponting: WHAB you fuckers! You'll fucking pay for this!

FIFA World Cup 2010 Final

2010-07-08T21:09:00.006+10:00

Spain have dominated posession against all the teams they've played in the Cup, yet lost to the McValue Meal merchants of Switzerland, and have a biggest winning margin of 2-0 against Honduras (despite having about 100 shots on goal). It really just underlines the fact that they don't have the knockout punch without Fernando Torres firing. It remains to be seen if this lack of killer instinct comes back to bite them at the final hurdle...if you have the Dutch down, you might want to make sure you finish them off. Their passing game is second to none, and early against Germany, the Krauts simply couldn't get the ball. Defensively they've been solid except for the sloppy goal they allowed the Swiss in the first match, and more importantly, they have kept three clean sheets in the knockout stages. David Villa has been in fine form, scoring five of their seven goals...maybe Torres is due for a big game, and then, perhaps they'll be unstoppable.

The Dutch have finally lived up to the expectations of everyone except this guy:

"Aaarrrgghhh the Dutch are just so boring these days! They need to play more like Brazil. Even though they beat Brazil in the quarters, Brazil weren't playing like Brazil, so that doesn't count because it was just so boring...Aaarrrggghhh! If Brazil had of played like Spain that night they would have beaten the boring-as-batshit Dutch bastards! If the Socceroos played like Spain too..."

When I think of the Dutch, this delightful combination is the first thing that comes to my mind:

The Dutch have been keeping a hold of the ball too but not doing enough with it for Fozzie's liking. Not enough movement he says. They've looked alright to everybody else though in scoring 12 goals en route to the final. Arjen Robben and Wesley Sniejder are key players, and expect Kuyt to make the usual nuisance of himself in trying to unsettle the Spanish defense. It was worth noting that Uruguay cottoned on to the fact that Robben always tries to cut in-field onto his preferred left foot (something Slovakia somehow missed) and closed him down in that respect. Spain have no doubt taken note of that too. The Spaniards will also want to close down the area outside the box as there are numerous Dutchmen with a penchant for long-range goals.

Also of interest is the battle for the Golden Boot; David Villa and Wesley Sneijder are tied with five goals apiece. In the third place encounter, Thomas Muller and Diego Forlan have four, as does Miroslav Klose, though he is an injury doubt for the match. It would be sad for football fans if he doesn't play; he needs one more goal to tie Ronaldo's record of 15 World Cup goals. Luis Suarez is the outsider with three goals.

I'm tipping Spain to control the match and win 1-0 and me to win cash. I backed the Spaniards at the start of the Cup, and after a horror start they've come good. Defensively they've been brilliant in the knockout stages, and keeping a red hot German side scoreless emphasises this point. Holland are definitely chance, but I'm calling it Spain 1-0. Obviously I'd like to see more goals, and Fozzie would like to see more movement from the Dutch, but I reckon it's going to be tight and a goal either way could win it. And I think it could be in the script that Torres scores the winning goal...

Enjoy the game...only four more years to wait.....sigh........

Video Refs - A Waste Of Time And Space

2010-07-04T21:15:00.004+10:00

Watching the Roosters vs Raiders yesterday, a possible Raiders try went up to the video ref. The commentary went something like this:

Andy Raymond: No try, knock-on.
Gary Belcher: No try, knock-on. And I used to play for the Raiders...
Captain Carnage: No try, knock-on, stop looking at that fucking replay asshole, it's no fucking try!
My old man: No try, it hit the Raiders players' arm and went forward.
My missus: It went forward off the green player, what does that mean?
My blind, one-eyed dog, if he could talk: No try!

Video ref/retired on-field ref Steven Clark: Try.

And this happens probably 6 or 7 times a week. I don't know why we have them. They all have different interpretations of the rules of the game, often wild and mind-boggling. I honestly don't think they've made that much difference in determining whether tries have been scored correctly, and I would rather just go back to the on-field ref making an educated guess. It would be far less frustrating than a retired on-field ref, possibly guzzling Scotch from a hip flask, in a corporate box that could be used more wisely, making commentators, fans, players and coaches alike, ridiculously confused and downright fucking angry. None of us can understand how if you have the luxury of a hundred replays, you can still get it wrong. They are a waste of time, a waste of space, and a waste of NRL funds.

Just What NSW Needs

2010-06-24T23:14:00.004+10:00

Perusing the Foxsports website, I was just blown away reading this. Seriously, the fucking hide of the man. After being a major part of the downfall of the Blues, seriously, is this guy fucking for real?!

The inspiration behind the Country tilt...

Daley has steered Country to a brilliant one win, one draw and one loss record, which is just great considering they start warm favourites and have home ground advantage every year. That's some serious Origin coaching credentials right there. If NSWRL, after their "comprehensive review", come to the conclusion that Daley is the man for the job...well, I guess that wouldn't surprise me at all these days...

Seeing Red

2010-06-21T12:54:00.006+10:00

During my daily dump, something didn't feel right...my ass was sore.....it turned out that I'd passed out two red cards that have been recently rammed up my Aussie ass. We've been f'd in the a by FIFA refs again, and what's more, by Italians again:

Try a yellow card and a penalty you fucking Italian fucker drama queen.

The equation doesn't change for the boys. We have to beat Serbia. It's looking likely we'll have to do this with 10 men going on recent FIFA fucktard trends. Now we have to also rely on other results. We qualify with a win and Ghana somehow beating Germany. I am flabbergasted that a team as shit as Ghana is topping the group. We dominated them despite playing with 10 for nearly 70 minutes. They've done absolutely fucking nothing except knock in two penalties. So maybe it's more likely that Germany give them an absolute flogging and help us overcome a goal difference of 5. Either way, we'll take it. It would feel more right if Ghana got some come-uppance, rather than more penalties, for their all round garbage display at this Cup. JB is running conspiracy theories by me, claiming that FIFA want the Africans teams to do well, and that has a lot to do with Ghana mind-bogglingly topping the group. Perhaps he's onto something. We just need some hard evidence JB; like some photos of Blatter copping some under the table action...

There's still hope...and all I can think about is how much sweeter it will be if with get through, despite repeated reamings...Go Socceroos!

Analysis Of A Nightmare

2010-06-15T01:40:00.010+10:00

PART 1

There's one thing for certain after the horror show against Germany. You can never trust a greasy haired motherfucker:

Fucking card-slinging, slicked-back-haired mofo. Red card indeed you fucking cocksucker.

There's no way that is a red card in any competition in the world. So now we are missing our best player for the must-win clash with Ghana because of this fucking clown. And because FIFA don't have the common sense to have a review panel for fucked calls like this. The World Cup is supposed to be the best players, teams, and you'd like to think, the best officials. Marco Rodriguez is clearly not one of these. What's more, he is an environmental hazard:

A stricken bird rescued from the oil slick on top of Rodriguez' head.

For Germany's first goal, Klose was in an offside position, enough to get defenders interested. That is offside, even if someone else scores. So fuck you too Mr. Anonymous Fucker Linesman.

Everyone in sundry has panned the Pimp. And maybe it wasn't the most attacking line-up that he went with, but seriously, our midfield was virtually non-existent. It was like the autobahn through the middle of the park. They were nothing but passengers, which makes it tough when you have an aging back four. Moore and Chipperfield were awful in defense, particularly Moore. He looked like a guy who is club-less and whose last gig was in the A-League; that is, totally out of his depth. Chipperfield has lost more than a yard of pace and is just too slow tracking back. Say what you will about the Pimp's decision to play a lone striker but Garcia was one of our best. With our midfielders and defenders getting smashed, the rare occasions he got near the ball he looked lively. I would however suggest that he might have been a bit more dangerous circling around a certain beanpole.

Where to now? It's certainly not time to throw in the towel, especially after the bumfuck of a game between Ghana and Serbia that preceded. They both showed nothing to have us shaking in our boots and quite frankly, if they dish up that shit against Germany, they'll suffer the same fate as us. We have to beat them both, and without Cahill, that means Kewell and Bresciano must play, actually they must start, even if they're not 100% fit. Surely Moore has to be replaced. Maybe Beauchamp gets a run there. I'll give Chippers another chance so long as he's on a strict sprint training regime this week. But I re-iterate, Kewell and Bresciano must start or else I will also join the chorus of fans cursing the Pimp.

Just remember, in Germany '06 Ukraine got pumped 4-0 by Spain in their first match but still qualified for the knockout stages, even though they were absolute rubbish. They even went on to the quarter finals if you can believe that! Surely the most terrible team to ever do so. Australia at full strength are definitely not that bad. It's not over yet people! Go the Socceroos! Show us some ticker boys!

PART 2

This campaign for the NSW Blues has just been a balltearer of a nightmare. We've now picked a side for game 2, which funnily enough, might have given us a real chance to win game 1. It's lose-lose for Blues fans. We lose the game and it's five straight. We win the game and the selectors and Bellamy are all over that win like a dirty rash in the nether regions. Pencil them in for another five years of fucking torture. The worst thing about the continuous fuck-ups at the selection table is Laurie Daley trying to justify them every week on Foxsports. Spare me fucking days.

"Look we know Jamie Lyon hates playing five-eighth but we thought he could do a job there. You've got to be able to adapt in Origin. Jamie will learn from that. The players just didn't step up which was disappointing. We thought we picked a great team but the players were just so disappointing and didn't step up and just couldn't adapt to foreign positions. When you pull on a Blues jersey, you've got to expect the unexpected and adapt, do a job, and step up".

How about you step down instead Loz? I've had enough of these fucking Johns brothers by the way. If it's not a gangbang, it's popping pingers, or racial slurs.

I'll always support the Blues players, except of course for the ones that are shithouse. They know who they are Josh Perry. Even the selectors agreed with me on that one! So hopefully they muscle up, and win or lose, go some knuckle and general off-the-ball thuggery!

Meet Your World Cup Groups: GROUP D!!!

2010-06-12T20:13:00.001+10:00

GERMANY (FIFA RANKING: 6)

I love Germany:

Mmmmm....Currywurst!

And I very much hope to go back there one day:

Picture perfect...a stein of my favourite beer in the world, Radeberger Pilsner.

Which is why I was a bit disappointed when we drew them. I would have preferred an Italy for some revenge, or Uruguay, this time for a stoush actually in the World Cup! But there you go, we have Germany. In qualifying, the Germans didn't lose a game and conceded just 5 goals. But it's not all good for the Krauts; goalkeeper Nauer late last year was only battling for the 3rd-choice keeper spot, captain Ballack has been ruled out and there are form queries over striker pairing Klose and Gomez. Their strength here is the defensive unit of Lahm, Mertesacker, Friedrich Boateng and Badstuber. In the midfield Schweinsteiger and Trochowski are key players, but it's the youngster Ozil who's tipped to become the next superstar for the Germans. Up front there's Klose and Podolski who were both fantastic in Germany '06, Gomez, and waiting in the wings, Cacau and Kiessling (second top goalscorer in the Bundesliga last season). So it's going to be tough for the Socceroos, but not impossible...

SERBIA (FIFA RANKING: 16)

Watching highlights of the Serbs in qualifying had me a bit worried, but New Zealand showed that perhaps we'll have the defensive game plan to frustrate them also. And even without a star striker, we have a lot more going forward than the Kiwis. Followers of the EPL will be very familiar with the defensive capabilities of Vidic and Ivanovic, so it's going to be tough to break them down. In the midfield they have new Liverpool signing Jovanovic and the veteran Stankovic, giving support to Sonofabic and Fuckoffyabic. Up forward they have a monster in the 2.02m Zigic:

Josh Kennedy = 194cm...And we thought we have a beanpole!

But if you can lose to the Sheep-Shaggers then you're easy meat for the Socceroos! Yes I'm drunk and full of bravado posting this, but I don't care, Go the Socceroos!!!

GHANA (FIFA RANKING: 32)

Ghana have also lost their captain, and for the Black Stars, this is a big deal. When Chelsea lost Essien mid-season, they looked lost. He's that good. And Ghana will miss him no end. If they really click, they have the potential to beat us by a couple of goals, but they don't click all that often. I think we can frustrate the hell out of Ghana and finish with a comfortable victory. All along I've thought that this is the game to target the maximum 3 points. Even without Essien, their strengths lie in the midfield with the likes of Appiah, Muntari and Asamoah. Gyan up front is dangerous and needs to be contained, but you know what, the drunker I get here, the more Ghana gets the wooden spoon in this group! Go the Socceroos!!!!!!

AUSTRALIA (FIFA RANKING: 20)

I have never wavered in my belief that we can get a result out of our first match with Germany. A lot of Australian football fans still have an inferiority complex towards their own team, but the fact is, we are world class. Sure a genuine striker would be nice, a bit more depth would be nice too, but if we get it right, we are capable of great things:

It's the perfect time for us to play the Germans, that is, in a situation where they are not facing elimination with a loss. We are certainly capable of beating Serbia and Ghana. The form of Cahill and Kewell will ultimately depend on how far we go, but I'll predict that we progress. Like Germany '06:

Good times people. Go the Socceroos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prediction: Australia to absolutely smash this group (I've had a couple) and progress with Germany!

Group D

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
7	14 June	Durban	Germany	Australia	04:30
8	14 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	Serbia	Ghana	00:00
21	18 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Germany	Serbia	21:30
24	20 June	Rustenburg	Ghana	Australia	00:00
39	24 June	Johannesburg	Ghana	Germany	04:30
40	24 June	Nelspruit	Australia	Serbia	04:30

2010-06-11T14:05:00.006+10:00

For mine, a great Aussie song for the boys in South Africa - no Shakira shaking it but 100% Australian

Love that 'doo throughout the song. Makes me miss the Dukes big time.

WORLD CUP 2010

2010-06-11T13:24:00.005+10:00

Okay, its Shakira, so two points :

1. The song isn't really my thing
2. But its Shakira, so you know I would do her

Although I will give some credit to the video clip (the football scenes anyway, and I'm sure some of the clips of Christiano Ronaldo are taken from his fucking Castrol T.V ads), I will pass on something I was told long ago, adding waka waka waka after a joke dosn't make you a comedian - I wonder if it makes a song writer?

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group H

2010-06-08T23:19:00.013+10:00

SPAIN (FIFA RANKING: 2)

Obviously one of the main chances to win the World Cup in South Africa, and, as such, will take care of this lot. They are deserving Cup favourites but I just have this feeling that they'll fall short. Whether they can go all the way or not, the one thing that's for sure is that you'll want to watch all their games. Torres and Villa up front. Service from Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas and Alonso. Guys almost as good on the bench. Should be good fun people. And they clearly have the most versatile squad, which optimises their chances of taking home the Cup. In fact, the more I think about this squad, the more I think they are going to win the whole tournament. At the start of this paragraph I had the feeling that they'd fall just short...but upon closer inspection, and with some of their cracking goals in qualifying playing in the background here on Destination South Africa, well I've changed my mind. They can totally win it all. As for this group, they could probably sneak through it with all the players they've left at home...

Another party bus tour for the Spaniards?!?

SWITZERLAND (FIFA RANKING: 24)

I still haven't forgiven the Swiss for their part in the worst World Cup match I've ever seen and am ever likely to see, that being the footballing disgrace that was Switzerland vs Ukraine (round of 16, Germany 2006). Neither team even remotely tried to win in the most negative and unattractive football match I've ever seen. Period. And then they lost the penalty shootout 3-0. A total softcock performance. To think if we had of got past Italy, that Ukraine was waiting to be thrashed......anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the Professor loathes Switzerland with a passion for charging him $20AU for a McValue Meal. The Swiss qualified top in their European group ahead of Greece but since then have managed just one draw from 4 home games. I'm not expecting much from them, they'll probably look upon their clash with Honduras as winnable but I see Spain and Chile being far too strong. Players to watch are striker and captain Alexander Frei and staunch defender Phillipe Senderos.

CHILE (FIFA RANKING: 18)

A team who may be a bit under-rated heading into the Cup but not by myself. Finishing 2nd in South American qualifying means they are a serious football side and one that could go deep into the business end of the tournament if they get hot, pardon the pun. Chilean football is probably best known for the Roberto Rojas Scandal, where goalkeeper Rojas faked that he been hit with a firework, cut up his face with a razor concealed in his glove, was ordered by his coach to stay on the field until dramatically stretchered off, which led to his team being ordered off the field by their captain. A false medical report was then submitted by their phony team doctor. The point of this fanciful and desperate charade was to avoid losing to Brazil in a World Cup qualifier, a result that would have knocked Chile out of contention, and basically to get Brazil sanctioned for the fireworks "attack" sending Chile to the Cup. It backfired spectacularly with them effectively being booted out of any possible participation in the 1990 and 1994 World Cups, and life bans all round. Anyways, they are back on the big stage and my tip is that they'll be joining Spain in the knockout stages. While they may not be household names yet, players to watch are Arturo Vidal, Mattias Fernandez, Mark Gonzalez, Humberto Suazo and Alexis Sanchez.

HONDURAS (FIFA RANKING: 38)

Tottenham star Wilson Palacios has a great attitude going into the World Cup: "It doesn't hurt to dream". And by dreaming, he doesn't just mean dreaming of the second round, he means winning the World Cup...Joining Palacios in Mission Impossible is evergreen 36 year old striker Carlos Pavon, who was Honduras' leading goalscorer in qualifying. Pavon is pretty old but spare a thought for Hendry Thomas:

How old is this guy? 40? 50? Only 25 actually...

Honduras are a handy team, who hopefully will have a real crack and punish the Swiss for their over-priced McValue meals, but I fancy that Chile will get the better of them and the dream will still be just that...

PREDICTION: Spain and Chile to progress.

Group H

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
15	16 June	Nelspruit	Honduras	Chile	21:30
16	17 June	Durban	Spain	Switzerland	00:00
31	22 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Chile	Switzerland	00:00
32	22 June	Johannesburg	Spain	Honduras	04:30
47	26 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	Chile	Spain	04:30
48	26 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	Switzerland	Honduras	04:30

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group G

2010-06-02T22:34:00.012+10:00

COTE D'IVOIRE (FIFA RANKING: 27)

The best of the African teams despite being only the third ranked African side, and will battle with Portugal for a place in the last 16. They'll play some attractive football no doubt, but not much of that will be in defense, despite having Eboue and Kolo Toure at the back. Expect them to let in a couple of sloppy goals. Up front there's Drogba, who despite making a case for being the best striker in the world, is a massive, massive diver.

For club,

and country...

Joining the party up front is Chelsea team-mate Kalou who is coming off a pretty good season of his own. It's always fun watching the Elephants, but you wouldn't really ever want your money on them to go really deep in a World Cup, particularly when they have to knock over Brazil or Portugal in the group stages.

PORTUGAL (FIFA RANKING: 3)

Another team at South Africa 2010 with some depth in their talent stocks, Portugal were far from convincing in qualifying and in a recent friendly against Cape Verde.

In case you'd never heard of it either, that's Cape Verde in the middle of nowhere there...

With attacking players like Ronaldo, Simao, Deco and Nani, and with quality defenders in Carvalho, Ferreira and Alves, it's hard to understand how they could make football look difficult at times. Like France though, they seem to get their shit sorted when there's a World Cup on. The match against Cote d'Ivoire decides who's going through...it also has the potential to be one of the matches of the tournament if Portugal come to the party.

NORTH KOREA (FIFA RANKING: 105)

Despite North Korea's strong history in World Cups where star striker Kim Jong-Il scored many goals against Brazil and the likes, they are gonna get f'd in the a big time here. Kim Jong-Il later went on to win the British Masters and the F1 Driver's Championship too according to North Korean folklore:

Kim Jong-Il prepares for the Wimbledon final...

But without him, they are going to suffer death by football skillz three times over. That is all. They'll be feeling like this after the Cup:

BRAZIL (FIFA RANKING: 1)

I don't need to tell you that Brazil are the business. Everyone knows that. They'll win this group and are my tip to win the tournament. And not because they are Brazil and score a lot of goals. They also have a strong defensive unit led by the beastly Lucio, along with his Inter team-mates Maicon and goalkeeper Julio Cesar. The goals will come from Fabiano and Robinho, assisted by the likes of Kaka, Melo, Baptista and Elano. They have incredible depth at every position; when you can leave Ronaldinho out of the squad, and Gomes, who was absolutely heroic for Tottenham last season, can only make back-up goalkeeper...wow. You'd be thinking they'd be keen to atone for the un-Brazilian rubbish campaign that was Germany 2006, and I shudder to think what they are going to do to North Korea in this group. They are gonna royally f them in the a. Ouch.

PREDICTION: Brazil to win the group and Portugal's big tournament experience to sneak them past Cote d'Ivoire. Drogba to dive his way to the "most dives in the group stages" category.

Group G

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
13	16 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Ivory Coast	Portugal	00:00
14	16 June	Johannesburg	Brazil	North Korea	04:30
29	21 June	Johannesburg	Brazil	Ivory Coast	04:30
30	21 June	Cape Town	Portugal	North Korea	21:30
45	26 June	Durban	Portugal	Brazil	00:00
46	26 June	Nelspruit	North Korea	Ivory Coast	00:00

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group F

2010-05-29T23:46:00.015+10:00

ITALY (FIFA RANKING: 5)

Remember this diving bitch?!?

Like any of us can forget. Grosso, you are a fucking homo, and I'll hate you forever, even if it really was a foul...GET UP YOU FUCKING POOFTER!!!

Yeah, so Italy are pretty good, but seriously, fuck them. And that's not just sour grapes from Germany 2006. Well, maybe just a bit. Okay I'm still nowhere near over it, so kill me. And Grosso isn't in the 2010 squad, but yeah, like I said, fuck those finger-shaking-at-the-ref bitches. They comfortably topped their qualifying group, probably from diving all over the place and wagging their index finger at the ref like so:

They have a cast of Serie A stars in Cannavaro, Pirlo, Gattuso, Iaquinta, Gilardino, De Rossi etc, and I wish them all the worst in South Africa. In a perfect world, they'd get rolled by New Zealand here, but instead they'll probably dive their way to topping this group in a bitchly manner.

PARAGUAY (FIFA RANKING: 31)

Paraguay's strike weapon over the past few years has been tall striker Roque Santa Cruz. I am a Manchester City fan, and from what I've seen of Santa Cruz this year, well, it's been pretty shite. Santa Cruz aside, they are obviously a handy side, finishing 3rd in South America. Benfica's Cardozo is a quality finisher and Borussia Dortmund pair Barrios and Valdez will also help pick up the slack. In fact, Santa Cruz might be lucky to get a run with coach Martino usually favouring new Sunderland signing and attacking midfielder Riveros in the starting lineup. They will, however, really miss the multi-talented Cabanas who had the misfortune of being shot in the head in January. Recent form saw them dominationg possesion but going down to Republic Of Ireland, and a 2-2 draw with Cote'd Ivoire. So you expect a side with such credentials and decent enough lead up form to give a real sight. A strong chance to progress, especially if they can knock off Slovakia.

NEW ZEALAND (FIFA RANKING: 78)

I'd love to see our cuzzy bro's from across the ditch do well, but the fact is, they are easily the least talented team heading to South Africa. Yes, they looked very competitive against the Socceroos in the recent Friendly...but we were missing 6 starters...and still beat them 2-1. And I know that the Aussies in '06 were a case in point of a team playing with their hearts on their sleeves. But seriously bro', as fun as it is having the Sheep-Shaggers at the WC, they are not progressing. I'll support my Kiwi cuzzies in supporting them against the other teams in this group, and I was shocked when they grundled their way past Serbia last week, but they're not going through...if they get a point, they'll be happy, if they can get two points, they'll be absolutely stoked and if they get a win, they'll be partying Kiwi circa 1985 style:

SLOVAKIA (FIFA RANKING: 34)

I don't know too much about these guys, but what I do know is that they won a tough group in qualifying. And if I'm tipping Slovenia (2nd in the same group) to progress, then Slovakia must be a strong chance to do the same. My concern is that their preparation is not ideal leading into a World Cup with just two matches against Cameroon and Costa Rica. The key player is Napoli attacking midfielder Marek Hamsik who has some serious quality about him. At the back, Liverpool's Martin Skrtel will be filling the central defence and up front, the go-to guy is Sestak. They look a well-drilled outfit, capable of some attacking football as well. But really, I'm just going to have to toss a coin to decide between Slovakia and Paraguay...

PREDICTION: Heads Slovakia, tails Paraguay...and it's TAILS! Paraguay to progress with the Azzurri bitches. For punters, you'll get a lot better value taking Slovakia to progress.

Group F

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
11	15 June	Cape Town	Italy	Paraguay	04:30
12	15 June	Rustenburg	New Zealand	Slovakia	21:30
27	20 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	Slovakia	Paraguay	21:30
28	21 June	Nelspruit	Italy	New Zealand	00:00
41	25 June	Johannesburg	Slovakia	Italy	00:00
42	25 June	Polokwane	Paraguay	New Zealand	00:00

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group E

2010-05-28T20:49:00.000+10:00

NETHERLANDS (FIFA RANKING: 4)

If you look up "massive under-achievers" in the Football Dictionary, you'll find pages of pictures of men in orange shirts, some looking puzzled, others downcast and others just downright embarrassed.

Oh the humanity...

It's great to watch the Dutch in full flight, unfortunately, they are usually only on for a short time frame. You've really got to catch them. Like in their WC qualifying group where they smashed all-comers. They were the first team to qualify for the Cup because of their total domination of their group. And with the likes of Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder, this Group better watch out or they could be similarly pantsed. Or otherwise there might be more pictures to add to that "massive under-achievers" bit. Robben and Sneijder are quite simply superb footballers and it's no coincidence that their teams squared off in the Champions League Final. And then you throw into the mix names such as Van Persie, Kuyt, Huntelaar, De Jong and Van Bommel and it usually equals fun. At the back, they are captained by Van Bronckhorst but will be missing a familiar face in goal; despite still being considered one of the best keepers in the world, Edwin Van Der Sar has retired from international football. I'm going to lay it on the line, they are absolute specials to top this group...better than bank interest as the tight-ass punters say.

DENMARK (FIFA RANKING: 35)

Having accidentally deleted the Denmark episode of Destination South Africa, I asked the boys what they know of the Danes. The Professor offered this:

If she plays her cards right...Mrs Professor Chaos!

Luckily, after my faux pas with the IQ planner, we have a resident expert on all things Danish...

JB Says: Ahh Denmark...Won the 92 European championship after not even qualifying (made it in after yugoslavia didn’t attend for political reasons).

Denmarks 4^th world cup and each time having progressed from the group stage – highest reaching the quarter finals in 98.

Qualified this world cup by ousting Sweden and touching up Portugal.

Coach played in WC for Denmark in 86 and coach of Denmark in 02

They tend to play a 4-3-3 due mainly to a lack of star creative players and strikers.

Strength is in first class defensive partnership of Daniel Agger (Liverpool) and Simon Kjaer (Palermo) in the centre of defense. Full backs of Lars Jacobson (Blackburn) and Michael Lumb (Zenit St Petersburg) filling out the back 4 are good but not great. Good depth with central defender Per Krodrup (Fiorentina) on the bench.

Absolute key to the team is Christian Poulsen (Juventus) playing the role of holding midfielder. Will probably be supported in the middle by Daniel Jensen (Werder Bremen) and William Kvist (Copenhagen) with up and coming star of the future Christian Eriksen (Ajax) prob being called on from the bench to provide much needed sparkle in the team.

Upfront you have Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal) and Jon Dahl Tomasson (Feyenoord), although Tomasson has suffered from a severe lack of goals recently.

Very much favoured to make it through the group ahead of Japan and Cameroon with some saying the have the goods to beat an ageing Italy whom they would likely meet in the rnd of 16.

A team built on defence with little spark or depth upfront. Will handle Japan well but could find that Cameroon has enough to put one past them and unable to do the same to the Africans. Having said that depending on what Dutch team turn up to play (mentally more than actual squad selection), possible to hold them out to a draw or get pantsed by 2-3 goals.

Circa 125-1 to win the overall tournament, more action to see if they make it through the group.

JAPAN (FIFA RANKING: 45)

Well, you breath a sigh of relief when you don't draw Tim Cahill in your group...and then you draw the Netherlands! And then you find out your coach is off his trolley, talking up some semi-final action in South Africa! If I was Takeshi Okada, I'd definitely be focusing on just making it out of this group for starters. It's going to be tough for the Blue Samurai, probably a little too tough, though not beyond the realms of possibility. There's no way they'll beat the Netherlands but they are a chance against Denmark and Cameroon. The fact that the 3 teams fighting for 2nd here are from different corners of the globe makes for some intrigue. They'll be hoping for big campaigns from Shunsuke Nakamura in the midfield, Nakazawa in defence and Tamada up front. The guy I'm most looking forward to watching is Keisuke Honda; he made me a fan as he helped CSKA Moscow make it through to the Champions League quarter finals. They're recent form is not good with two home defeats, to Serbia 3-0, and Korea Republic 2-0. Okada is talking totally crazy with his top 4 prediction. I'm tipping they miss out on the knockout stages despite having a kick-ass national anthem...

CAMEROON (FIFA RANKING: 19)

Indomitable: adjective- that cannot be subdued by will, or courage; unconquerable: an indomitable warrior. So the Indomitable Lions is a pretty cool nickname then. Though their idea of an Indomitable Lion;

Looks like Aslan painted green...

All I've heard is that they're the most successful African side in World Cups, which isn't much to write home about. But Cameroon do have a lot of quality about them, starting with their captain, Inter's Samuel Eto'o. Other big names include Makoun (Lyon), Alexandre Song (Arsenal) and Tottenham Hotspur defenders Assou-Ekotto and Bassong. They came through in one of the tougher African qualifying groups (Togo, Morocco, Gabon), and the expectations are high for the World Cup. Perhaps too high. I think they'll fight it out with Denmark for 2nd place in the group. As for knocking off the Dutch...I don't think so.

Prediction: Hey Hey Let's Go Kenka Suru, Taisetsu Ma Nono, PROTECT MY BALLS!!! Netherlands to win the Group, but sorry Okada, you're totally crazy with your top 4 prediction. You should be admitted for that. I will take Denmark ahead of Cameroon for 2nd. Boka Gu Warui, So Let's Fighting Love!!!

Group E

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
9	14 June	Johannesburg	Netherlands	Denmark	21:30
10	15 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	Japan	Cameroon	00:00
25	19 June	Durban	Netherlands	Japan	21:30
26	20 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	Cameroon	Denmark	04:30
43	25 June	Rustenburg	Denmark	Japan	04:30
44	25 June	Cape Town	Cameroon	Netherlands	04:30

WELL YOU FUCKED IT AGAIN NSW SELECTORS.

2010-05-26T23:12:00.004+10:00

FUCK YOU BOB FULTON. AND FUCK YOU BOB MCCARTHY. AND FUCK YOU GEOFF GERARD. AND FUCK YOU LAURIE DALEY. AND FUCK YOU CRAIG BELLAMY. YOU FUCKWITS FUCKED IT UP AGAIN. And I'm over it. I don't even fucking care anymore. I expect us to fucking lose. From the moment you fucktards select our team full of players that are either fucking hopeless, or are playing out of position, or are playing out of position when they're the best in the world at their position, and you choose a captain who is at best a fucking bench player, and certainly no inspirational leader, and you go with one ball distributor and YOU'RE JUST ALL DOWNRIGHT FUCKED IN THE HEAD YOU SHIT FOR BRAINS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*I hereby nominate Josh Perry as Steve Simpson's heir to the throne as "Mr Invisible".
* Trent Barrett, a proven Origin player and specialist five-eighth just kills it in that game. Kills it.
* Geez Jamie Lyon looked good in the centres in the last 5 minutes of that game.
* Who did you retards think was going to rough up the opposition? Kurt fucking Gidley? Try proven Origin thugs in Barrett, Paul Gallen and Greg Bird.
* Seriously, where was our "utility player". Ennis did his best flying solo, but seriously, you fuckers.
* IF ANYONE IN THE WHOLE WIDE FUCKING UNIVERSE THINKS THAT KURT GIDLEY IS A BETTER FULLBACK THAN JARRYD HAYNE, PLEASE COMMENT BELOW, AND I'LL DRESS YOU DOWN FOR THE FUCKING MORON YOU ARE.

From the vault of the PROFESSOR: The Professor is still with us, just really drunk most of the time, but leaves us with this; "Josh Perry to NSW is the equivalent of David Warner to the T20 Aussie cricket team. Warner is a specialist T20 player. Perry is a specialist Origin player..."

I'll call that some classic sarcarsm right there. Onya Professor.

So congratulations to QLD on yet another series win...a five-peat, if you will...

It used to be that Origin meant the world to me, win or lose. Now, I seriously don't give a fuck because we've lost the game at the fucking selection table. FUCK YOU FULTON, MCCARTHY, GERARD, DALEY, AND BELLAMY. You guys have just ruined Origin, and I sincerely hope history records this for all to see. I'm pretty sure 5 years of fucking it up will be recorded in the anals of history. You are fucking idiots and all NSW fans hate your fucking guts.....take the fucking hint assholes.

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group C

2010-05-20T22:49:00.002+10:00

ENGLAND (FIFA RANKING: 8)

Could it finally be time for England again? The Poms always have massive expectations heading into World Cups, usually borne from hot air rather than a squad genuinely talented enough to go all the way. But this time they may just have the right mix. For starters, they have a mastercoach in Capello. Secondly, they have one of the very best strikers in the world in Rooney. And then; Gerrard, Lampard, Terry (Captain Douchebag), Ferdinand, Defoe, Bent, Cole, Cole etc. It's a strong cast, and a much more attacking England squad and, as I said before, they have a mastercoach. Plus they have the 2009 UK Philandering Father Of The Year:

Smash him Tevez!

I'm not even going to entertain thoughts of them not making it to the round of 16, as fun as that would be...

USA (FIFA RANKING: 14)

One of the teams the Socceroos will face in their final World Cup lead up match. The Yanks looked pretty good during their qualifying campaign but since then have lost 4 of their last 5 International Friendlies, the only win coming against El Salvador. When you think U.S football, you invariably think Landon Donovan, and I'm definitely a fan. Playing a cameo role for Everton last season has led to more awareness of the guy's talent. Coach Bob Bradley has been an advocate of American players plying their trade in Europe, and aside from Donovan, they have Rangers pair DeMarcus Beasley and Maurice Edu, Fulham's Clint Dempsey, Bolton's Stuart Holden and Borussia Monchengladbach's Michael Bradley to name a few. Their biggest threat in any competition is this guy:

Card-slinger and US-hater Jorge Larrionda

Larrionda sent off two US players during the '06 World Cup match against Italy and recently endeared himself further by slinging another red at Michael Bradley. When WHAB pressed the issue with Larrionda, he started ranting about "that stupid cartoon show insulting our wonderful country":

Uruguayan referees aside, the US will see their clash with Algeria as must win, will be happy with any result against the Poms and then it likely comes to the result against Slovenia.

SLOVENIA (FIFA RANKING: 23)

Slovenia find themselves just above footballing powerhouse Israel in the latest edition of the rankings; not bad for a country of just over 2 million. They conceded just 4 goals in their qualifying group, impressive when you consider they played home and away to group winners Slovakia and regular World Cup finalists (pre-2010) in Czech Republic and Poland. And then they took out Hiddink's Russia in the playoff. I think they are well-drilled enough to cause a lot of trouble in this group; they look like a team who'll frustrate England, take it to the USA and be beating Algeria. I really like their chances to go through here and they are good value in the betting to do so. I'll have a piece of that.

ALGERIA (FIFA RANKING: 31)

I'll be surprised if Algeria advance in what is a fairly strong group. I'll confess to not knowing too much about them except that they tied with Egypt in their qualifying group of 4. Really it was 2 groups of two, with Algeria battling Egypt for a spot in the World Cup finals and Zambia and Rwanda squabbling over who was the least shite in the group. In case you're wondering, and I really can't imagine why you would be, it was Zambia who were slightly less rubbish than Rwanda. So after dusting off those two, and tying with Egypt, they played Egypt again in a tiebreaker. Football was the real winner with opposing fans wanting to kill each other. The only players I'm really familiar with are Portsmouth pair Belhadj and Yebda. Portsmouth were relegated. All of this doesn't exactly fill me with the bravado to launch into the $3.75 on them to progress. But best of luck to them.

Prediction: England to top the Group and Slovenia to upset the USA and progress.

Group C

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
5	13 June	Rustenburg	England	USA	04:30
6	13 June	Polokwane	Algeria	Slovenia	21:30
22	19 June	Johannesburg	Slovenia	USA	00:00
23	19 June	Cape Town	England	Algeria	04:30
37	24 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Slovenia	England	00:00
38	24 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	USA	Algeria	00:00

A Question For ONE HD...

2010-05-18T21:09:00.007+10:00

When OneHD played nightly replays of the day's NBA games (screened live during the day when most people are at work) during the regular season, they mostly aired them in the 7:30-9:30pm timeslot. A lot of these games were just god-awful, featuring terrible teams such as Minnesota and Golden State, sometimes playing each other (god-forbid...), other times playing really good teams like Cleveland and the Lakers in pointless, lop-sided affairs. So now, with the Conference Finals upon us, and just four teams remaining, with the ungodly 11:25pm timeslot, I have to ask: OneHD...are you Channel Seven in disguise? Well, are you? Seriously...11:25? What next??? I mean it starts with disrespectful replay times and then....

Helllloooo and welcome to Seven's coverage of the NBA Finals! Isn't this teerrriiifffic?! What do you think Jo?!

Selection Tips For The NSW Selectors

2010-05-17T23:42:00.003+10:00

* Generally speaking, it's best to play the in-form centre of the competition in the centres. Especially when he has shown no aptitude whatsoever at five-eighth for his club.

* As a general rule, don't play a guy out of position at five-eighth.

* Also as a general rule, it's totally unnecessary to play 4 centres. Seriously, don't play 4 centres. Ever.

* It's also usually best to play your best fullback at fullback rather than on the wing.

* It's considered extremely wise to have some cover at hooker. This allows the starting hooker to have a breather and also comes in handy in case your starting hooker gets injured.

* When choosing the utility player, make sure he can play a variety of positions (particularly hooker), rather than just at centre.

* Keep It Simple Stoopids...Play two guys who can play hooker. Play two (2) centres only.

* It's a myth that you absolutely must select an "Origin bolter" every year.

* Don't feel obliged to play a guy at fullback just because he's the captain. Pick your best fullback. Pick a new captain.

* Pick a real five-eighth.

* 2 hookers good...4 centres bad.

* Look up the definition for "utility player" in the NRL dictionary before selection.

* Take full responsibility for the lack of cohesion in the halves if you pick a centre at five-eighth.

* Take full responsibility for the disaster that will unfold if the only hooker gets injured early and can't return.

* Pick your best fullback, pick a new captain, pick a genuine five eighth, pick a real utility player, pick 2 guys who can play dummy half, and pick no more than 2 centres under any circumstances.

How Fucking Long Can This Shit Go On?

2010-05-10T22:10:00.004+10:00

Fuck you Chris Ward. How can you miss a blatant fucking knock-on when you've just watched the fucking replay 15 times? It beggars fucking belief. Fuck you again Ashley Klein. You're right in line with a blatant forward pass, 5-10 metres away, and you fucking missed it. Thanks for ruining another game assholes. And this shit just goes on and fucking on. And no-one does anything about it. The answer seems to be "well, we'll give them another go, maybe they won't be as fucking useless next game". Well guess what fuckheads? They're still fucking useless...and getting worse. What a disgrace.

Seriously, he watched the replay 15 times......?????..........................

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group B

2010-05-02T21:18:00.022+10:00

ARGENTINA (FIFA RANKING: 7)

With Tevez (Manchester City) and Messi (Barcelona) up front, any decent balls forward to these guys in space, and this Group is over. Somehow Argentina struggled at times in their qualification campaign, relying on late goals in their last couple of games to guarantee their place...their struggles can surely be contributed somewhat to their drug-addled manager:

Maradona arrives for Argentina's Biggest Loser

Maradona, as great a player as he was, I'm just not sure he has the same nous as a manager. I'm pretty sure the Argies qualified simply because of their natural footballing talent rather than anything this coke-snorting coke-snorter had going on upstairs. Anyhow, they are there...and Messi and Tevez have been on fire this season. Throw in players of the calibre of Heinze, Samuel, Milito, Higuain, Veron, Di Maria, and Liverpool pair Rodriguez and Mascherano should be nice and fresh with the Reds having done sweet FA this season. This a side capable of going deep into the tournament and should account for this group comfortably.

NIGERIA (FIFA RANKING: =20)

Not content with being the Eagles, Nigeria are known as the Super Eagles. The Super-Dooper Eagles will be spear-headed by Chelsea midfielder Jon Obi-Wan Mikel and most support will come from Everton trio Yobo, Amichebe and Yakubu. Argentina aside, this group is very open, and the other three teams here are going to be locked in a royal shitfight. Nigeria will show more flair than the Greeks, but will they be able to open up a stodgy Greek defense? Will their own defense be able to cope with the fluent efficiency of the South Koreans? All questions that, like a lot of the African teams before them in World Cups, we won't know the answers to until they play. They're as good a chance at 2nd place in the group as the other two I suppose. Now, I've got to get back to my e-mails...apparently I've won $1.5 million and a spot on the bench for Nigeria at the World Cup!

KOREA REPUBLIC (FIFA RANKING: 47)

With Poland missing from this edition of the World Cup Finals, Korea Republic will be contenders for the Curse of the Commentators Award. We all know about Park Ji-Sung of Manchester United fame. The rest of them all pretty much look the same and there are something like 10 Lee's, 8 Kim's, and an even spread of Hyung's, Woo's and Wong's.

A WHAB South Africa 2010 collector's pack for anyone who knows who this guy is! Hint: It's not Park Ji-Sung...

For a team that is going to their 7th straight World Cup, and were unbeaten in their World Cup qualifying campaign, that ranking seems ridiculous. Particularly where Nigeria are tied for 20th and Greece are 12th. As outsiders of this group in betting, I am getting on. The betting agencies are all over the African teams performing well on their home continent. Not their home country, their home continent. I am calling this as rubbish. South Africa will over-perform no doubt, but I see no reason why the rest of the African teams will over-perform. In Germany, did we think all the European teams would be so much better than at other World Cups? No. Unlike Nigeria, you know what you're going to get from South Korea, and it will likely be producing more goals than Greece. My first bet of the World Cup goes on Korea Republic to qualify.

GREECE (FIFA RANKING: 12)

Seriously, I have no idea how Greece are ranked 12th in the world. Surely the FIFA rankings don't go back as far as Euro 2004...Then again, these are the same rankings that have Israel at 24. Israel...24...Think about that. Anyway, they have Liverpool's most exciting player of this season in Krgyiakos...and he's a central defender...But enough Liverpool bashing, Greece, if nothing else, will play well as a team. It won't be overly exciting, but it may be enough to get them through to the knockout stages. One thing's for sure, there'll be many fans getting behind the Greeks in Australia, such as this guy:

Knockout stage...bewdiful!

PREDICTION: Argentina to top the group and Korea Republic to sneak through.

Group B

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
3	13 June	Johannesburg	Argentina	Nigeria	00:00
4	12 June	Nelson Mandela Bay	Korea Republic	Greece	21:30
19	18 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	Greece	Nigeria	00:00
20	17 June	Johannesburg	Argentina	Korea Republic	21:30
35	23 June	Durban	Nigeria	Korea Republic	04:30
36	23 June	Polokwane	Greece	Argentina	04:30

Meet Your World Cup Groups: Group A

2010-04-27T00:14:00.001+10:00

SOUTH AFRICA (FIFA RANKING: 90)

Who'd have thought that South Africa of all places would be holding a FIFA World Cup. A guy I knew got mugged not five seconds after he'd stepped outside the terminal at Johannesburg airport. You wouldn't under any circumstance consider stopping at a red light over there. In fact, you might even want to speed up. A guy seriously invented this as a solution to car-jackings:

Rape is so common that women carry condoms to offer to their attacker. But other than all that, it's a beautiful country...Sepp Blatter loves the place. Everywhere he goes there, he gets his balls rubbed.

As a footballing nation, South Africa makes a great rugby and cricketing nation. They greatfully accepted automatic entry as hosts from Blatter in exchange for some under-the-table action. If you look back over the years, home crowds make a massive difference in World Cups, so we can expect the Jaapies to greatly over-perform. This will probably be mostly due to soft-cock refereeing in the form of lop-sided foul counts and a couple of ludicrous penalties. But will it be enough for them to make the knockout stages? Most of their squad will come from South Africa's national league which obviously pales into insignificance compared to the leagues in Europe. Their only real star player is Everton midfielder Steven Pienaar. Up front, Benni McCarthy can be a bit hot and cold, but is dangerous and needs to be respected. He'll likely be very busy with the urgings of the home crowd, as I'm sure the referees will be too, but he'll need a few of his mates to lift. This is a tough group, and I would say that while not impossible, it's very unlikely they'll advance.

MEXICO (FIFA RANKING: 17)

With the ugly time zone difference between Australia and South Africa, matches will be at 9:30pm, midnight and 4:30am, i.e. all freakin' night. So there'll be no sleep, but plenty of alcohol, and plenty of my favourite midnight snack:

I'm gonna murder me some of this come June/July...

Mexico were in genuine danger of not qualifying for the World Cup during the short and ill-fated reign of Sven-Goran Eriksson as manager. The second coming of Javier Aguirre turned around the confidence and form of the players dramatically. Aguirre knows how to get the best out of individuals and is not afraid to give the boys some lessons in sneaky tackles:

The team has strung together a nice string of results, winning 14 of 18 matches under Aguirre and I like the schedule of friendlies they have leading into South Africa 2010. They play other WC qualified teams in Chile, England, Netherlands and Italy as their final lead-up games...and that is how you prepare for a World Cup right there. Key players include Barcelona's Rafa Marquez in central defence, the dos Santos brothers, Jonathon (Barcelona) and Giovani (Galatasary), and Mexico being Mexico, they have a whole horde of players who can get on the scoresheet. I'm expecting a strong showing and I think they'll definitely fancy their chances of going through, despite a tough and open group.

URUGUAY (you-are-gay)(FIFA Ranking: 18)

Australia's old nemesis had a better time qualifying for the World Cup against Costa Rica in their 2010 playoff, after once again finishing 5th in CONMEBOL qualifying. That doesn't sound all that impressive but we all know the strength of competition in South America. It's hard to believe that Uruguay have a population of just 4 million people and continue to qualify for the WC Finals, 2006 aside! Anyway, Uruguay is located here:

Shenanigans aside, Uruguay have players scattered all over the world, none at the really big clubs, but it's a very capable squad nonetheless. They have a pair of formidable strikers in Diego Forlan (Atletico Madrid) and Luis Suarez (Ajax), and another player to watch is talented young midfielder/winger Nicolas Lodeiro (Ajax), who was man of the match in the 2nd leg of the playoff against Costa Rica. They are definitely in with a shot to qualify for the knockout stages, and the more you look at this group, the key match seems to be Uruguay's match against Mexico.

FRANCE (FIFA Ranking: 10)

Qualifying for South Africa in the dodgiest possible fashion, with Thierry Henry celebrating his clear hand-ball goal assist, it's hard to know what to expect from the Frenchy Fag-Nasties sometimes. They were uninspiring throughout the whole qualification process but one gets the feeling that, with the talent and depth at their disposal, and with a history of strong World Cup showings, that they'll have their shit together come June. Most of their squad play in teams that were in the last 8 of the Champions League, so there is a multitude of options for their manager. Unfortunately for the players and fans, Raymond Domenech is a weirdo, prone to erratic selections/tactical decisions, and refuses to explain said erratic selections/tactical decisions, and doesn't trust Scorpios. That said, he somehow got them to the 2006 Final. Henry, Anelka, Malouda, Sagna, Evra, Gallas, Ribery, Diarra, Diarra, Gourcuff...do I really need to go on? They should top the group if they bring their A game...and leave all the Scorpios at home.

Group A

Match	Date	Venue	Team 1	Team 2	Kick-off (AEST)
1	12 June	Johannesburg	South Africa	Mexico	00:00
2	12 June	Cape Town	Uruguay	France	04:30
17	17 June	Tshwane/Pretoria	South Africa	Uruguay	04:30
18	18 June	Polokwane	France	Mexico	04:30
33	23 June	Rustenburg	Mexico	Uruguay	00:00
34	23 June	Mangaung/Bloemfontein	France	South Africa	00:00

PREDICTION: My early tip is France and Mexico to progress to the round of 16.